Talk About Marriage banner
1 - 20 of 121 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
“We would have killed each other, wouldn’t we?” These words were spoken by my college girlfriend, best friend and wife of 48 years - and my world came crashing down. Even though I suspected what she meant, I calmly asked “Who are you talking about?” The answer was a knife in my heart – “Pat B. – we both had a bad temper.” I was very upset that my wife was having a daydream of life with my former business associate, but held my temper. Until this happened, I would have said we had a very strong marriage with love and trust since we married at 19. She had always told me I was her one and only and she never thought about any other man. Years before, I noticed some suspicious interactions between Pat and my wife but trusted my wife.

As bad as this was, the real shocks were yet to come... She first tried to convince me I misheard and said "You don't know how good a friend you had in Pat". This led to more arguments when she insisted she would never have said that and had no reason to say that. Needless to say, we had even more heated discussions about what she meant and why she was trying to cover it up. She finally confessed that Pat B. had asked her to leave me and stay with him when we moved 37 years ago. She never mentioned this to me and had continued to stay in contact with him over the years under the guise of saying “Pat called for you today” (while I was at work). During my questions, she said she was protecting him (HIM - not her husband). Our storybook 48-year marriage was a SHAM. I felt so used and betrayed. To put this in perspective, both my wife and I hate lying and this was the only thing we ever punished our (now adult) children for doing. Even further, my wife had a favorite story she told to all her friends and our families: “I could never lie to J. (my name) and I couldn’t even keep a secret from him. I once paid too much for an end-table and felt so guilty I had to tell him.” Great story to cover her real behavior.

For someone who couldn't lie to her husband, she was damn good at it! But if an ongoing emotional affair wasn't enough, she had another confession when we tried to work through this. After trying to defuse the situation by giving me "Pity Sex", she exclaimed that she thoroughly enjoyed it and wanted more! She had told me 15 years before that sex was painful and her doctor told her to not engage in sex anymore because thinning tissue in her vagina made it dangerous. Being a man, I still tried, but she reminded me of her "medical condition". I trusted her but now wonder how I could be so STUPID! I loved and trusted her and had abstained - FOR 15 YEARS! And now she wants sex! But still not the worse - she didn't confess earlier and allowed me to have prostate surgery just 2 years prior. Although I can still get an erection, I can't orgasm. Sex holds no joy for me now. And now the liar wants it!!

There's much more about her defending her "friend" but the bottom line is she continues to insist she did nothing wrong and I need to get over it! Says that since she didn't even know what "lying by omission" meant until recently, it wasn't lying!? Refuses to see a counselor. Her story of why she stayed in contact has evolved from "he was just a friend" to "I just wanted to catch up" to "I felt sorry for him" to "I guess I loved him... but like a brother". Her story and lying are classic examples of at least an emotional affair and I can't help but wonder if it was physical. I've seen a personal counselor and that took the edge off my immediate anger. I know it's in the past, but this lying woman is a stranger and not the woman I married. My anger comes and goes but is not getting better even after a year. I find it necessary to drink myself to sleep at night.

I'm an old man now - what does divorce offer me? I am depressed and live day-to-day. I feel trapped in the present with no past and no future. I've had more alcohol in the last year than my entire life before - how else can I silence the thoughts in my head? She left me with a legacy of wondering, questioning and suffering for the rest of my life. I don't think leaving would stop the pain. Staying reminds me of what she did. I curse myself for staying and giving her exactly what she lied to get (me for security, no sex, Pat to talk to) with no remorse about lying and hurting her husband. And she still claims she loves me and only me and wouldn't do anything to hurt me!?

Has anyone else experienced such long-term betrayal? Can anyone offer real suggestions or advice? Do I just pretend I'm OK but really suffering?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,525 Posts
That’s cruel, if you don’t mind me asking how did he become your former partner and were you also friends with him all these years?

You can stop drinking and stop grieving all of this. Life is truly really unfair sometimes. And then one day, you pass all that back onto someone else. That’s right. You start to let go, and start to live! And pass it on. One day, you get to feel ok, and whatever bad feelings anyone has as a result of you finding happiness and sleeping easy… well, that’s none of your concern. Why should you miss out? Why should you care about anyone else at this point in your life, except for the brilliant future that awaits you.

Because the future’s going to be better than this. Truly. Imagine this no longer occupying your thoughts, and you no longer participating. It’s time to shine.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
342 Posts
I was a bit on the fence about this until I got to the sexlessness and the likely lies about medical advice on this to keep you quiet. That is a pretty cruel betrayal and does point to her feelings about you.

She is obviously desperately scrambling to put a quick fix over this issue by letting you have sex with her (it was a bad idea by the way to accept this offer).

If you are going to try and get her to actually rebuild your marriage then you are going to have to risk it. You've said she refuses to see a counsellor. I'd suggest giving her one more shot and say that we either see a counsellor together or lawyers separately and mean it! Make and appointment for both before you do this so she knows it is not an idle threat. Last chance saloon.

At the end of the day, life could be great on your own after this. Women live longer than men, lots of widows and other divorcees out there. The fact that she is prepared to break 15 years of sexlessness to try and keep you should tell you what your real value is out there, she knows it but she has believed she had you under control until now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
240 Posts
“We would have killed each other, wouldn’t we?” These words were spoken by my college girlfriend, best friend and wife of 48 years - and my world came crashing down. Even though I suspected what she meant, I calmly asked “Who are you talking about?” The answer was a knife in my heart – “Pat B. – we both had a bad temper.” I was very upset that my wife was having a daydream of life with my former business associate, but held my temper. Until this happened, I would have said we had a very strong marriage with love and trust since we married at 19. She had always told me I was her one and only and she never thought about any other man. Years before, I noticed some suspicious interactions between Pat and my wife but trusted my wife.

As bad as this was, the real shocks were yet to come... She first tried to convince me I misheard and said "You don't know how good a friend you had in Pat". This led to more arguments when she insisted she would never have said that and had no reason to say that. Needless to say, we had even more heated discussions about what she meant and why she was trying to cover it up. She finally confessed that Pat B. had asked her to leave me and stay with him when we moved 37 years ago. She never mentioned this to me and had continued to stay in contact with him over the years under the guise of saying “Pat called for you today” (while I was at work). During my questions, she said she was protecting him (HIM - not her husband). Our storybook 48-year marriage was a SHAM. I felt so used and betrayed. To put this in perspective, both my wife and I hate lying and this was the only thing we ever punished our (now adult) children for doing. Even further, my wife had a favorite story she told to all her friends and our families: “I could never lie to J. (my name) and I couldn’t even keep a secret from him. I once paid too much for an end-table and felt so guilty I had to tell him.” Great story to cover her real behavior.

For someone who couldn't lie to her husband, she was damn good at it! But if an ongoing emotional affair wasn't enough, she had another confession when we tried to work through this. After trying to defuse the situation by giving me "Pity Sex", she exclaimed that she thoroughly enjoyed it and wanted more! She had told me 15 years before that sex was painful and her doctor told her to not engage in sex anymore because thinning tissue in her vagina made it dangerous. Being a man, I still tried, but she reminded me of her "medical condition". I trusted her but now wonder how I could be so STUPID! I loved and trusted her and had abstained - FOR 15 YEARS! And now she wants sex! But still not the worse - she didn't confess earlier and allowed me to have prostate surgery just 2 years prior. Although I can still get an erection, I can't orgasm. Sex holds no joy for me now. And now the liar wants it!!

There's much more about her defending her "friend" but the bottom line is she continues to insist she did nothing wrong and I need to get over it! Says that since she didn't even know what "lying by omission" meant until recently, it wasn't lying!? Refuses to see a counselor. Her story of why she stayed in contact has evolved from "he was just a friend" to "I just wanted to catch up" to "I felt sorry for him" to "I guess I loved him... but like a brother". Her story and lying are classic examples of at least an emotional affair and I can't help but wonder if it was physical. I've seen a personal counselor and that took the edge off my immediate anger. I know it's in the past, but this lying woman is a stranger and not the woman I married. My anger comes and goes but is not getting better even after a year. I find it necessary to drink myself to sleep at night.

I'm an old man now - what does divorce offer me? I am depressed and live day-to-day. I feel trapped in the present with no past and no future. I've had more alcohol in the last year than my entire life before - how else can I silence the thoughts in my head? She left me with a legacy of wondering, questioning and suffering for the rest of my life. I don't think leaving would stop the pain. Staying reminds me of what she did. I curse myself for staying and giving her exactly what she lied to get (me for security, no sex, Pat to talk to) with no remorse about lying and hurting her husband. And she still claims she loves me and only me and wouldn't do anything to hurt me!?

Has anyone else experienced such long-term betrayal? Can anyone offer real suggestions or advice? Do I just pretend I'm OK but really suffering?
Been the betrayed as well .. one thing I know for sure is that we aren’t the weak one in this . Never feel like this was your fault . The weaker person is the one who betrayed our trust and relationship. I have now realized that if my husband can’t move with me in a relationship/ marriage then I’m moving on alone . What good is it to want to move together when you’re the only one who wants to?
Consider making a choice that will make YOU happy . Time is really too short to be miserable or let someone else make us miserable
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,553 Posts
Gotta stop the drinking and continue seeing someone to help you figure out what you really want, and then when you do, put your heart into it.
After reading your whole story, my first instinct was to ditch this despicable liar who stole your life from you by hiding her double life from you for so many years. However, divorcing her may very well reward her for her actions. Considering she’s wanting a bunch of sex and you had prostate surgery, I think what I would do is plot my own cunning plan to stay married, alter her lifestyle negatively in as many ways as I could, grudge bang her almost to orgasm and leave her hanging every time, and tell her it’s caused by your medical condition.
But, that’s because I’m an A-hole. You may get better mileage doing the right thing by divorcing her and having the chance to meet someone that actually loves you. Let me add that this person you married is particularly vile and I’m very, very sorry you endured this.
15 years of no sex? That’s a real shame. No love either, from your wife.
Lastly, you can bet your wife and her AP have had sex through the years. It’s almost a given.
Don’t be naive. Evil will find a way.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,326 Posts
@Old_and_Broken, I'm so sorry that you find yourself here and in this ****ty, ****ty situation.

Couple things: stop drinking so much alcohol. Sure, a drink once in awhile is OK, but not a lot and not every night. Start taking care of yourself because you're worth it, and start recognizing your worth. Your wife is a lying POS, and I wouldn't give her the time of day.

To me it sounds like you guys are still living together?? If this is the case, here's what I would do:

1. Talk to a lawyer or 2 to see how they can help you in this situation
2. Get all of your ducks in a row in terms of important paperwork and documents, things that hold value to you whether in monetary value or sentimental value, any family heirlooms that are important to you, anything to do with your kids (although they sound like grown adults now, so that may be moot).
3. Prepare divorce docs and slap those suckers down in front of your wife

Personally, if it were me in your shoes, I'd take her for the ride of her friggen life, and I wouldn't feel badly about it. I would make sure that you don't need to pay her out in the divorce, or owe her a penny in regards to her living expenses. She can fend for herself. I'm so sorry that she was such a terrible person to do something like this to you. You owe it to yourself and your future to become the best you that you can be, and to find a [email protected]$$ partner to share it with!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,597 Posts
@Old_and_Broken, I'm so sorry that you find yourself here and in this ****ty, ****ty situation.

Couple things: stop drinking so much alcohol. Sure, a drink once in awhile is OK, but not a lot and not every night. Start taking care of yourself because you're worth it, and start recognizing your worth. Your wife is a lying POS, and I wouldn't give her the time of day.

To me it sounds like you guys are still living together?? If this is the case, here's what I would do:

1. Talk to a lawyer or 2 to see how they can help you in this situation
2. Get all of your ducks in a row in terms of important paperwork and documents, things that hold value to you whether in monetary value or sentimental value, any family heirlooms that are important to you, anything to do with your kids (although they sound like grown adults now, so that may be moot).
3. Prepare divorce docs and slap those suckers down in front of your wife

Personally, if it were me in your shoes, I'd take her for the ride of her friggen life, and I wouldn't feel badly about it. I would make sure that you don't need to pay her out in the divorce, or owe her a penny in regards to her living expenses. She can fend for herself. I'm so sorry that she was such a terrible person to do something like this to you. You owe it to yourself and your future to become the best you that you can be, and to find a [email protected]$$ partner to share it with!
Ursula, that's not the way it works. They have been married almost 50 years. Of course they are going to have to split marital assets, and depending on if she ever worked and for how long, he could have to pay monthly support.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,326 Posts
Ursula, that's not the way it works. They have been married almost 50 years. Of course they are going to have to split marital assets, and depending on if she ever worked and for how long, he could have to pay monthly support.
Yeah, I know, I wrote that when I was angry on behalf of the OP. However, depending on where he lives, there may be ways around that, I personally know someone where I live who has an XW who doesn't work, and he doesn't have to pay alimony to her. Child support = yes, but not alimony. Reason being is that he's supported her while they were separated, and while married, he paid off her credit cards among other things, so at this point, the court says that he owes her nothing. So, depending on the situation, and whereabouts, it can certainly be looked into. They will however, need to split up the assets accumulated during OP's and his W's long marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
85 Posts
O and B, I completely feel your pain. Like your wife, mine down-played, misdirected, and deflected her feelings for the OM. It, too, was a long term emotional affair, though it did not progress to a full-on sexual affair (confirmed by emails I read between them). They were in touch from the early days of our marriage and for long stretches of time, with a break of about 10 years from the mid 90s to the mid 2000s. The only thing that kept them in check was the fact they were 350 miles apart.

I discovered hundreds of email exchanges from 2005-2011, when I uncovered the extent of their contact. Despite being able to quote her own words back to her, she still gaslights. She says I don't have "the context." Well, what context is needed when you are reading private words shared with a man who isn't your husband?

I also know the dilemma you face as an older man considering a divorce. A lifetime of planning together, building a financial future based on mutual contributions and benefits, would have to be put on the scrap heap. Not to mention entangled relationships with family and friends that cannot be replaced at this age.

I don't know anything more about your situation or your relationship with your wife, but I agree with others that her cascading responses about the nature of her relationship with the OM raise reasonable suspicion that the relationship extended beyond what she has already confessed to.

Hang in there, brother.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
838 Posts
If you are going to try and get her to actually rebuild your marriage then you are going to have to risk it. You've said she refuses to see a counsellor. I'd suggest giving her one more shot and say that we either see a counsellor together or lawyers separately and mean it! Make and appointment for both before you do this so she knows it is not an idle threat. Last chance saloon.
I agree that this is probably your best play.
If you don't feel comfortable doing so, another option is to study up on the 180 and implement it.
Quit drinking, and go out and live the life that makes her jealous and insecure. New clothes, friends, haircut, clothes, interests, etc. Make it clear that she is no longer the priority in your life.
Go on offense. Put her on defense.
Do what you want and let her eat your dust.
Put the onus on her to save your marriage.
Worse case scenario is that you use this time to detach and lay the groundwork for life with out her.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
491 Posts
I'm so sorry to hear this. Insist on a lie detector test. Have her write out everything that happened with the other man and let her now that it will be verified with the test.

You need to be willing to lose this marriage in order to possible have Amy chance of fixing it. Any weakness or backtracking you show to your wife will make things harder for you.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
19,673 Posts
Ursula, that's not the way it works. They have been married almost 50 years. Of course they are going to have to split marital assets, and depending on if she ever worked and for how long, he could have to pay monthly support.
Yes, that is the case if you play by the rules.

He could send all his money to some bank outside the U.S's jurisdiction, say Uruguay, or somewhere safe.

Rarely, will the US Courts extradite anyone over marital assets.

I could be wrong, but think not.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Rubix Cubed
1 - 20 of 121 Posts
Top