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I'm in bad shape. Need to ask to be loved. She is trying also to make this work after she told me how she felt in our marriage.
As has been already stated, many of these rewrites she is doing, were the self-justifying thoughts she composed in her mind to feel guilt free. (She did have sex with him btw.)

When a woman is done with you there is no going back. It does not sound to me like she was at that point. She still wanted to keep you as a backup. If she were done with you she would choose to live alone before she would stay with you.

Sooo we call this cake eating.

Here is the thing, there is sort of a power struggle here, she wants to be in control, and use your love, and devotion, and pain to manipulate the outcome in her favor. That is, as few consequences as possible, and retaining as much freedom as possible.

That is why she does not seem all in, and does not seem to be willing to be honest. This is very typical.

The things she is currently saying to you are instinctively strategic acts on her part to do a push/pull.

*Push, to get you off balance (i.e. you were controlling, that pushed me into it),
*Pull, to get you where she wants you, (I.e. I want to try to work this out).

The whole time you are off balance and wondering what to do next. Sometimes this is called being a doormat because she is just wiping her feet on you and you are letting her.

Sometimes this whole attitude on her part is called remorselessness, or not being remorseful.

You can't force someone to be remorseful. It is not two dimensional like that, but to be remorseful a person has to have the kind of character that can think, and feel, and act in those terms. It has to be a part of her ethical core.

If you gather your resolve, and blow up her world (by following the advice here), you put an end to her plans, and put her in a position to stop trusting in her manipulation skills, and clear the path to true remorsefulness, should she be capable and desirous of going there.

That is what what is missing and what you instinctively know should be there.
I wish you well!
 

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Gary,

You are in a fragile state. Do not allow her to rewrite your marital history. Call her out on her bull****. Get yourself to a counselor as I sense self esteem issues. I have been in your shoes. I ain’t fun, but you can and must get out of the hole you are in. Please go see a mental health professional. As I have told other posters, you are stronger than you realize. You must tap your inner strength.

I was in bad shape let myself go. I am 6-4 and ballooned from 230 to 310 pounds. My wife started an affair after we had been married for 29 years. When I got the bad feeling, I got my head out of my ass and hit the gym, changed diet, got with an age management doctor, and lost 70 pounds in four months. I got in better shape at 54 than I was at 34. Still had issues I had to work through. When I discovered her affair it knocked me to my knees.

I got serious and confronted her, exposed to family and close friends and made myself scarce for six weeks. She came chasing after me and we are in our third year of R. I listened to the good people on here who told me what I needed to hear rather than what I wanted to hear. Took their advice. It worked. I did what I did from a position of strength. Before I left I told her I was ****ing done. This shocked her because in our 29 years of marriage I had never raised my voice to her.

Point I learned is women respect strength, you can’t show weakness.

PS: I also burned our marital bed which was a family heirloom in a bonfire, and I sent her a live video with me doing th color commentary in marine language. Pissed her off, but I drove home my point.
 

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that must have been very satisfying!
Good for you!
Set the tone I was a man on a mission. Scared the hell out of her I could fly into such a rage. We are now a little over three years of R. Sometimes you have to go to extremes.
 

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“Turns out that the day she got drunk was at an apartment her school is renting for teachers where she and her boss went to sign the contract and out of courtesy her boss took a bottle of wine.

My nightmare started from that day on. I later found out that she and this landlord texted each other regularly. I found out because my wife was signed in on my computer so I could see her history.”

********

Gary, it went physical. I highly doubt a school rents an apartment for teachers. Really? Boss took a bottle of wine.....why? You know why deep down. You must rip the band aid off and she needs to come clean. A lie detector would be a good start. The status quo needs to shift from her to you, and a polygraph is the key to this. If she refuses to do so you have her answer.

Why do you want to be miserable? Does she make you happy? You deserve better. This affair was/is not your fault. It is 100% on her.


The right thing is usually the hard thing to do, and you are going to have to do. Just do it.
I do not doubt that a school might have an apartment for teachers. But what a golden opportunity for the use of it for cheating teachers? :(
 

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"The things she is currently saying to you are instinctively strategic acts on her part to do a push/pull.

*Push, to get you off balance (i.e. you were controlling, that pushed me into it),
*Pull, to get you where she wants you, (I.e. I want to try to work this out

This is how she will act until she is forced to make a decision; you or OM

Force that decision by using a VAR, GPS on car and Find My Friends on her phone. It's not spying, it's self preservation. The thoughts inside your head are going 1 million miles per hour and will continue this way until you are able to find out more information.

My WW said the same things to me and much much more when trying to deflect. Be patient, observe her actions and do NOT take your eye off of the objective.
 

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I'm sorry you are in this mess.

Is the boss married? If so, he can loose his job for an affair with a subordinate. You may also be able to sue their employer for some sort of damages.

Save all evidence.

Hire a PI.
Don't bother FILE

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