Talk About Marriage banner
1 - 20 of 34 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My wife gets turned on and tries. I was a Dom before her for 6ys. Thought she would get better at the submissive role in bed but shes just awkward when she tries. My inner Dom keeps building up
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
666 Posts
My wife gets turned on and tries. I was a Dom before her for 6ys. Thought she would get better at the submissive role in bed but shes just awkward when she tries. My inner Dom keeps building up
Must say I have no clue what is being discussed here. For example, is Dom a person or an imaginary person and what does he/she do?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,993 Posts
My wife gets turned on and tries. I was a Dom before her for 6ys. Thought she would get better at the submissive role in bed but shes just awkward when she tries. My inner Dom keeps building up
Honestly, OP, a kink like this is something that you two should have sorted out thoroughly before you married. You wife is, apparently, not a natural submissive. You seem to have a need to be a Dom. With your wife, the Dom/sub deal is probably not a dynamic that's going to work more than occasionally. Which means you two are sexually incompatible. Again, how did you not know this before you two got married?

Would you be okay with a negotiated percentage of your sexual encounters involving Dom/sub play? If so, you may be able to find a compromise that works for both of you, even if she's a little awkward with it. But insisting your wife conform all the time to a kink she doesn't share, or at all to one she finds truly objectionable, really isn't a reasonable position. Hence my previous mention of you two being incompatible.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
137 Posts
My wife gets turned on and tries. I was a Dom before her for 6ys. Thought she would get better at the submissive role in bed but shes just awkward when she tries. My inner Dom keeps building up
Define awkward, instead of going boneless chicken, does she rear up and give you a right hook?

Define Dom. Are we talking full-on whips & ball gags? Or just you being dominant in bed?

My first thought about Rowan's comment was, "WTF, marriage is like parenting, you're expected to do something you've never done before & get it right the first time," but now I'm thinking if you really were a Dom for 6 years, you should have gotten this all straightened out during your test ride(s).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,494 Posts
My wife gets turned on and tries. I was a Dom before her for 6ys. Thought she would get better at the submissive role in bed but shes just awkward when she tries. My inner Dom keeps building up
Did you not learn about negotiations in those 6 years? Learn how to vet a person to make sure they were compatible with you? And here are the other important questions that we need to know to assess this situation. How long did you two date? Were engaged? How long since you've been married? What experience did she have prior to you? How much have you actually tried to teach her, either directly or though classes by others? How many subs have you had before her? To what extent did you want the D/s dynamic? 24/7? Occasionally? Bedroom only? Are you looking for power exchange or just play? We'll go from there after these are answered.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,494 Posts
Must say I have no clue what is being discussed here. For example, is Dom a person or an imaginary person and what does he/she do?
A Dominant (shortened to Dom for males and Dommes for females) is a person in a power exchange dynamic who assumes power given to them by another, usually known as a submissive, or in more extreme cases a slave. Other labels apply, but those are the most common on both sides of the slash. In a power exchange, one person assumes authority, within negotiated limits, over another, allowing them to command the other. The actual dynamic can vary greatly as well as the protocols used.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
114 Posts
I'm not liking how you're not answering the important questions being asked of you. I've dabbled in BDSM, have many friends in the community still, and obtained a ton of knowledge before jumping into it. Something tells me you're not a proper Dom but rather just an aggressive and demanding guy under the guise of the Dom title. If you had 6 years proper experience prior to getting with your wife, I have a hard time believing you'd be in the situation you find yourself in. I keep using the term "proper" because if you describe yourself as living as a Dom or Sub, then you should know the rules, guidelines, and general code of conduct practiced by those in the lifestyle. Because it is more of a lifestyle than a general kink. BDSM isn't just a matter of spanking your partner and calling yourself a Dom. I'm not trying to criticize you, just trying to find out if you are a Dom who has been properly taught or just saw some porn and took it from there. The answer to this will determine how to best advise you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,494 Posts
I'm not liking how you're not answering the important questions being asked of you. I've dabbled in BDSM, have many friends in the community still, and obtained a ton of knowledge before jumping into it. Something tells me you're not a proper Dom but rather just an aggressive and demanding guy under the guise of the Dom title. If you had 6 years proper experience prior to getting with your wife, I have a hard time believing you'd be in the situation you find yourself in. I keep using the term "proper" because if you describe yourself as living as a Dom or Sub, then you should know the rules, guidelines, and general code of conduct practiced by those in the lifestyle. Because it is more of a lifestyle than a general kink. BDSM isn't just a matter of spanking your partner and calling yourself a Dom. I'm not trying to criticize you, just trying to find out if you are a Dom who has been properly taught or just saw some porn and took it from there. The answer to this will determine how to best advise you.
While I agree with you on the overall experience concern (I addressed it myself briefly), I do have to make a comment on the idea of labels. Someone can be a Dom or a sub or any of the other roles, and not have experience at it, or be good at it. Being Dom/sub or other roles is a part of what you are, as much as your orientation or gender identity are. I've seen Dom's who have been in the lifestyle 20 years (or so they claim) who are not very knowledgeable or experienced because they don't bother to be. Usually a lack of the former causes the lack of the later. So while I have no problem calling out someone on their lack of experience, especially if it looks like their own fault, I do hesitate to deny them their label of identity.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
114 Posts
While I agree with you on the overall experience concern (I addressed it myself briefly), I do have to make a comment on the idea of labels. Someone can be a Dom or a sub or any of the other roles, and not have experience at it, or be good at it. Being Dom/sub or other roles is a part of what you are, as much as your orientation or gender identity are. I've seen Dom's who have been in the lifestyle 20 years (or so they claim) who are not very knowledgeable or experienced because they don't bother to be. Usually a lack of the former causes the lack of the later. So while I have no problem calling out someone on their lack of experience, especially if it looks like their own fault, I do hesitate to deny them their label of identity.
I agree with you for the most part but this guy is giving the impression he has real experience because yet his behavior and lack of answers to important questions reminds me of the aggressive jerks who love to flat out control women solely for his own pleasure with no regard for her (she is an object) and call themselves a Dom. That's not what a Dom is and I'll deny those a-holes that label. Proper treatment, respect, and care for your Sub should be just as important to the Dom and I get the feeling this guy just wants a breathing sex doll.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,348 Posts
seems like the DOM/SUBMISSIVE thing is not in her nature. So she has to understand the role, and she has to agree to ROLE PLAY being the submissive. some education about dominance/submission is in order here, maybe some porn movies, AND her willingness to play that role to turn you on.

It might help if you offer to let her be a SWITCH...i.e. one time she is submissive and you are the Dom, but next time she gets her stiletto heels, black leather, and riding crop out and makes YOU submit to HER desires.

Generally speaking, you can not get another person to totally change who they are for you. but you CAN get them to play act it! :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
138 Posts
As a Don, you know your wife (the submissive) has all of the control, not you. If you believe otherwise, you' re not living true to the ideology of a true Dom/sub lifestyle.

If she isn't into being your submissive, she isn't breaking any rules. You are just with the wrong person. Submissives have the control. Your role as a Dominant has gone to your head.

I've been a Mistress for 35 years, professionally and 8n my personal life. I have NEVER forgotten that a submissive gives me control, and have always respected their boundaries. It is the basic tenet to the lifestyle. Maybe you need to study what being a Dominant truly is, and stop thinking your the boss! Without a submissive, you are just a kinky man wanting to control someone.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13,430 Posts
My wife gets turned on and tries. I was a Dom before her for 6ys. Thought she would get better at the submissive role in bed but shes just awkward when she tries. My inner Dom keeps building up
Maybe she doesn't want to play your games and has no interest in being controlled.
 
1 - 20 of 34 Posts
Top