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Your wife is right, though, and she is offering you what she can. You don't want that, which is fair enough. I understand she is upset, but you two are mismatched and there is no solution. One of you is destined to be unhappy, whatever you decide.
Or the marriage is opened for him so they both sexually satisfied.

Or divorce and she can continue without and he can find a woman that truely loves him and wants to sexually fulfill him.
 

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it is difficult to read some of these. they are true, in that the OP desperately needs more sex, and no matter what he does, she does not improve.

but this is pretty clearly a medical problem. she no longer has any sex hormones, or libido. so she literally does not understand what the whole problem is.

Ya know, when the priest/rabbi says "in sickness and in health, till death do us part", i think he is talking about this. she has a medical illness. you really can not divorce her for that! you took a vow.

OP is stuck
If a spouse needs HRT and chooses not to get it addressed....it is not a medical issue...it is a choice!
 

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If a spouse needs HRT and chooses not to get it addressed....it is not a medical issue...it is a choice!
there are well known side effects from HRT. the blood thickens, for instance. a lot of people who are using blood thinners could not do it!

so yes, a choice, but for some a choice between safety and having a sex life.

i PERSONALLY would risk it for the sex, but not all would make that choice, and you need to respect their personal decision.
 

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there are well known side effects from HRT. the blood thickens, for instance. a lot of people who are using blood thinners could not do it!

so yes, a choice, but for some a choice between safety and having a sex life.

i PERSONALLY would risk it for the sex, but not all would make that choice, and you need to respect their personal decision.
I take blood thinners 2x day and T injection 2x week. T causes increased red cell count...no problem. Give blood every couple of months, problem solved....as my Dr. stated.

Safety ....BS! Unless a woman has already been diagnosed with cancer that feeds off estrogen dominance. But then again the Testosterone is the main hormone driving sex drive. Nothing unsafe about bio-identical hormones. The breast cancer issues of 70s & 80s were the synthetic estrogen women were given.

The Chief Oncologist(woman)in the Women's Cancer Center at Baylor Medical Center in Dallas stated women should take all 3 HRT after menopause/ hystorectomy... testosterone, progesterone and estrogen. Make sure it is bio-identical.

Like wise a withholding spouse needs to respect the other spouses decision to eject from the marriage due to the emotional abuse from withholding intamacy.
 

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So to recap...wife literally lays there "like a corpse" (OP's words) when sex does occur which is almost never, she refuses any hormone replacement, but she isn't interested in a continuing sex life to keep a loving sexual connection despite the low libido she isn't interested in exploring treating in any way, she expresses disdain at anything sensual, and she refuses any counseling together because "he's the one with the problem".

Stick a fork in it, it's done. You no longer have a marriage, you have a roommate.

Lots of couples have a loving connected sex life well into their 70s. And you two are in your 50s. 50s!!!
 

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So to recap...wife literally lays there "like a corpse" (OP's words) when sex does occur which is almost never, she refuses any hormone replacement, but she isn't interested in a continuing sex life to keep a loving sexual connection despite the low libido she isn't interested in exploring treating in any way, she expresses disdain at anything sensual, and she refuses any counseling together because "he's the one with the problem".

Stick a fork in it, it's done. You no longer have a marriage, you have a roommate.

Lots of couples have a loving connected sex life well into their 70s. And you two are in your 50s. 50s!!!
Don't forget -- she also expects him to remain monogamous (ie: celibate)
 

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there are well known side effects from HRT. the blood thickens, for instance. a lot of people who are using blood thinners could not do it!

so yes, a choice, but for some a choice between safety and having a sex life.

i PERSONALLY would risk it for the sex, but not all would make that choice, and you need to respect their personal decision.
IF this is ever true for someone, it only happens in .001% of the cases.

And everyone's personal decisions should definitely be respected...but then so should the choice to open or leave any relationship that doesn't meet a person's sexual needs.
 

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IF this is ever true for someone, it only happens in .001% of the cases.

And everyone's personal decisions should definitely be respected...but then so should the choice to open or leave any relationship that doesn't meet a person's sexual needs.
You are like a paternal twin sister... sometimes think we share the same brain with your responses. Definitely on same page with thought processes. Great minds think alike. 😁
 

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I wonder what the number (percentage) of marriages with poor sex lives fall into this trap with either the wife needing some hormone help or the guy has low T and yet they don't want to address it and the other spouse suffers?
 

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I wonder what the number (percentage) of marriages with poor sex lives fall into this trap with either the wife needing some hormone help or the guy has low T and yet they don't want to address it and the other spouse suffers?
I don't know about T and hormones, but my wife refused to have therapy for her mental issues and that completely sunk our marriage due to her inability to function mentally and sexually (was taking heavy libido-killing medications). So, she made a conscious decision to kill the marriage.
 

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I don't know about T and hormones, but my wife refused to have therapy for her mental issues and that completely sunk our marriage due to her inability to function mentally and sexually (was taking heavy libido-killing medications). So, she made a conscious decision to kill the marriage.
So another example of a health issue more or less than one person decided to ignore\refuse to treat and it affected the other partner. I am starting to think that happens alot.
 

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You are like a paternal twin sister... sometimes think we share the same brain with your responses. Definitely on same page with thought processes. Great minds think alike. 😁
I know!!! You write alot of things that make me say "EXACTLY!".

It would have been great to read your posts back when I was really struggling with my husband, and needed the words for how badly I was feeling!!
 

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We've been happily married for 32 years now. Wife has always had a lower sex drive than myself. Early on I would be happy with sex every day whereas she would be far less interested so sex would happen a few times a week. The years have passed and my wife's interest in sex continues to lessen.

We have now reached the point where she is basically not interested in sex anymore. We still have sex, but sometimes it is once a month now, and nearly always it is just to placate me as she would be perfectly happy with never having sex. Her having sex to just "do her duty" is one of near total disinterest on her part. She just lays there like a corpse and waits for me to be done.

I've tried everything. I am a good husband, treat her like a queen, attentive to her needs. I keep myself in excellent shape. She has no stresses. Does not work. We are wealthy and have the freedom to do whatever we want. Ive tried wining and dining her, doing extras special date nights, buying some fun things to spice up the evening.

I'm at wits end and am posting here to vent.
I highlighted your biggest problem. She knows you’re not going anywhere. If you do she’ll be rewarded. She likely has sex with you in years past in order to keep you on the hook.
Now, it doesn’t matter to her if you’re on the hook or not. You lack importance to her and she has no interest in pleasing you.
Stop treating her like a queen, stop wining and dining her. What benefit does it provide to YoU?
Maybe you could outline her other good qualities so we can understand why you settle for no romantic interest from your wife.

btw, I would not want to get rid of my wife of so many years and have to look for love again either, while losing half my assets and likely pay her to leave. I’m just venting too I guess lol.
 

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Growing a backbone doesn't always remind your partner to see you and care about your needs...and people need to be ready for THAT consequence as well.
There are many sayings for this, such as "No pain, no gain."
However, sometimes, you have to be willing to break it to fix it.
If past practice is an indicator, she will step up as she did when the YNC came into the picture.
Sure, there is the possibility that she is done.
However if that is the case, someone needs to make the move and stick the fork in it.
If a satisfactory sex life is that vitally important to the OP, he needs to step up, change the dynamic and do the work to improve his plight.
If she is not willing to do her part, then OP has a serious decision to make.
In the end though, there is only one person who can release himself from the purgatory he is in and that is the OP.
 

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Well, I’m back 9 months later to vent yet again. Things did get better for a while- I would push the issue and my wife would compromise and allow me to have sex maybe once every 1-2 weeks. But the sex is almost always one sided. She is just not interested. the frequency has continued to decline and it is now getting closer to once a month which is not acceptable for me. As a result, I’ve begun masturbating again just to get a release.

the latest riff about this has put me in a funk. I have been depressed now for almost a week- it Comes after a long spell where she constantly rebuffed my advances. She has now tried to offer “make up“ sex which I am turning down as I am just tired of this sexual relationship being one sided. We just had an argument about it and she said that I can’t expect to get my happiness from her. I then said that perhaps I need to find my happiness from somewhere else and she got really upset and stormed off.

this is sad.
In a way you are both correct - she cannot or will not provide the kind of sexual connection and chemistry that you want so you cannot expect to get your happiness from here. So she is correct there, she simply isn't the one that you will be able to have passionate sexual chemistry with. That ship has sailed.

You can masturbate with your own hand, or if you are nice and a good boy and you ask nicely she will "allow" (your word) you to masturbate with her body every now and then.

And you are also correct in that if you are needing a higher octane sexual dynamic, it is going to have to be with someone else.

She's a 50something year old post menopausal woman that has been with you for over 30 years..... While some of the studs here may still have robust monkey sex into their 50s and 60s after 30some years of marriage, they are the exception and not the rule. Some of these guys are studly enough they could walk out the front door at 5PM and have a dinner date with some other chick with reservations at 7. Yes their wives are laying them like tile on the regular, but they know deep down in they don't that these guys could replace them by the weekend.

And there are some highly sexual women on this site in their 50s. But a number of them are divorced and single. A number of them have BFs that they have been with a few years. And some of them are with their 2nd or even 3rd husband and have been with them a handful of years. But I don't know if any of them are still with their first husband of over 30-40some years and are still hot and heavy for husbands sexually. They may have a working and functional marital sex life,,,, but they aren't tearing his clothes off and begging him for hot porn sex night after night.

In days of yore, if a wife maintained a functional home and family life for 30 years, wasn't screwing other people and still drained her husband's tank somehow before he started roaming the streets trying to get it elsewhere - she was a top tier wife and one that all the other guys of similar age and similar marital status were envious of.

This is why there is a robust Sugar Baby industry and why escorts and prostitution are still the oldest profession and why businessmen and executives throughout the land are screwing their secretaries. And why Ashley Madison became an overnight billion dollar success.

You can have a hot and heavy sex life that looks like something out of a porno flick in your 50s assuming you are still healthy and vigorous.

And you can have a stable and secure and functional home and family life with a good woman that you have been married to for over 30+ years.

But to have both with the same woman after 30+ years just isn't all that realistic in the real world.

A lot of guys in their 50s and beyond that have been with the same woman for over 30 years, aren't really having sex at all.

And a lot of us are probably like you where we are technically having some kind of sexual activity now and then and cannot technically classify ourselves as sexless or in an actual dead bedroom, but it is nothing like our yesteryears and just not all that exciting or satisfying.

It comes down to your own core values and mores --- what is more important to you, a functional and stable home and family life and not splitting up the furniture, retirement accounts and equity in the house?

Or a hot and heavy sex life??

Or try to have both through either some kind of open marriage arrangment, or seeing what you can get on the down low.

It IS a choice.
 

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Stop treating her like a queen, stop wining and dining her. What benefit does it provide to YoU?
This ^. OP stated all the things he does for her 9 months ago and he is catering to her. Shut that down, who cares if it is important to her if she doesn't care what is important to you.

The excuses and lies and not following through, it is just clear avoidance by her....she knows you will just continue to stick around and pamper her.

Ask her to move into a guest bedroom.

Start doing other things... the world is much more open than it was 9 months ago.

Setup couples counseling and tell her when the appointments are, if she attends, she attends...

You need to prepare to lose this if you want to save it, although I'm not convinced it is worth saving.
 

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No stress, no responsibility, no need to do anything?

maybe she is bored.

it’s not like women with nothing to do would just lay around there and want to have sex all day.
 
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