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Well, I’m back 9 months later to vent yet again. Things did get better for a while- I would push the issue and my wife would compromise and allow me to have sex maybe once every 1-2 weeks. But the sex is almost always one sided. She is just not interested. the frequency has continued to decline and it is now getting closer to once a month which is not acceptable for me. As a result, I’ve begun masturbating again just to get a release.

the latest riff about this has put me in a funk. I have been depressed now for almost a week- it Comes after a long spell where she constantly rebuffed my advances. She has now tried to offer “make up“ sex which I am turning down as I am just tired of this sexual relationship being one sided. We just had an argument about it and she said that I can’t expect to get my happiness from her. I then said that perhaps I need to find my happiness from somewhere else and she got really upset and stormed off.

this is sad.
So, it looks like you have all the data you need. You know that things won't change. You can either (a) live with it, or (b) move on. It's your choice. However, it doesn't seem like further investigation, rummination, or gesticulation is needed. Move... one way or the other.
 

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Thanks for the response. She often uses the excuse that I'm not romantic enough. But I've known her for 36 years so I've learned to be very romantic. She still will sometimes use that as an excuse but I call her out on it ands then she says "well I'm just not in the mood!"

I keep myself in really good shape. I am 5-11 171 lbs. waist size 32. I work out 7 days a week doing weights, HITT, P90X, Insanity, cardio, etc. Both my wife and I have aged very well. I am 57 but people think I am in my late 30's. Over the years, I have garnered plenty of flirtatious attention from attractive females in their 20's and 30's, as recently as 3 months ago. But I am a decent man who is committed to my marriage. So I let them know immediately that I am NOT in my late 30's and that I am happily married and a grandpa!

The remark you made that is bolded is likely part of the problem. I say this because they last time we had a period of hot sex where my wife really paid attention to me and wanted me was about 7 years ago over a 2 month period when our relationship was strained. I had been asked to look after a young college coed who was staying on our area for a summer job. She turned out to be absolutely gorgeous and we really clicked. She had a difficult time that summer and kept turning to me for assistance because she had no where else to go- I became a father figure to her. Well the red flags went up with my wife and it was definitely the most difficult period of our 32 year marriage. Nothing ever happened between the young lady and myself (like I said, I am a decent man committed to remaining faithful to my marriage vows) but boy did the sex get hot between me and the wife for a brief period of time.
If she cared enough she would do something about it. Fact she does not want to try to fix it....well you have your answer. My wife is 54 and she jumps my bones every chance she can, usually daily....but she cared enough to go get HRT. Your wife is more the tough crap....i dont feel like it so your out of luck buster.

Wonder how she would feel if you copped the same attitude. I was busy Friday night and didn't feel like coming home....tough crap.
 

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She stormed off because she is angry that she can't continue to do whatever SHE wants, and that he isn't getting with the program of making her needs his biggest priority.

I agree, it's a total mismatch...so then if meeting his needs is so unpalatable to her, she should release him from her expectation of monogamy.
it is difficult to read some of these. they are true, in that the OP desperately needs more sex, and no matter what he does, she does not improve.

but this is pretty clearly a medical problem. she no longer has any sex hormones, or libido. so she literally does not understand what the whole problem is.

Ya know, when the priest/rabbi says "in sickness and in health, till death do us part", i think he is talking about this. she has a medical illness. you really can not divorce her for that! you took a vow.

OP is stuck
 

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She stormed off because she doesn't understand why her husband is putting so much emphasis on sex. She doesn't get it. She is giving him what she can give him. Affection, companionship and friendship are more important to her than sex. Unfortunately, that doesn't work for her husband. As I said before, it's a total mismatch, in terms of needs and expectations.
In that case, she has listening problem. She's not hearing what is important to him and he's been telling her for all these years. Say, if I prefer to drink champagne and if I get served miller light(or any other swill) when the server things that it's a perfectly acceptable substitute then there's a problem.
 

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Maybe it's time for you to read up on 180 and start implementing it.

I think you have been wishy-washy on your boundaries and your wife has been browbeating you so far. She may be acting up now, because you might have started to stand up for yourself and now you are seeing her behavior when she does not get her way.
 

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No. Once in two weeks so close to zero the difference is not detectable. In fact, never ever is preferable. That way there is no temptation to look forward to return engagement.

If she not interested in more than twice a month, would just tell her to forget the whole thing and take care of my needs another way. And would tell her my intentions.
This is what I did...and anyone who chooses this path needs to be ready for the fallout, because THAT is what will tell you what you are REALLY dealing with.
 

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This is what I did...and anyone who chooses this path needs to be ready for the fallout, because THAT is what will tell you what you are REALLY dealing with.
Most likely there will be some fallout, because how dare @Novaman grow a backbone now (end-of-sarcasm)

@Novaman earlier in this thread, people alluded to the idea of respect or lack thereof. It may not be the case of outright disrespect. I think this is more of the attitude along the lines of "I'll do whatever the duck I want and @Novaman better deal with it because that's what he's been doing all along and I've trained him well. Whenever he throws a tantrum, I'll throw some scraps his way to shut him up and then I can continue living my cushy lifestyle." (I'm just wildly guessing here, I don't profess to understand the minds and thought process of people)

So, I think here's how it would go. There will be a whole lot of huffing and then whole lot of puffing, then there will be a bunch of tantrums and when she sees that you are not budging (hopefully) then she might give an inch or two to placate you. The next thing we know, you are back here writing very happily that things have improved significantly and that you both are doing great. And about another six to eight months after that you'll likely be back again. (Just my pure unadulterated wild guess)
 

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To the bolded: maybe. It crosses over into judging her intentions, which none of us know.

Where the bolded doesn't align with her actions is in her attempt to improve things, even if temporary.

What is more likely is that she is every bit as frustrated as he is over the situation, and knows his withdrawal from her means further escalation of the situation.

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Don't you think that the main reason she would be frustrated by any further escalation of their situation, is because she is tired of meeting his needs and wants to have things her way now...? I can't imagine another reason for someone to be frustrated like that when their partner says, if you are unwilling to meet my needs, I will have them met elsewhere...

Won't that solve her problem and end any frustration?? Unless she is trying to ERASE his needs because they are inconvenient for her, I am not sure why else she would be frustrated.
 

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Most likely there will be some fallout, because how dare @Novaman grow a backbone now (end-of-sarcasm)

@Novaman earlier in this thread, people alluded to the idea of respect or lack thereof. It may not be the case of outright disrespect. I think this is more of the attitude along the lines of "I'll do whatever the duck I want and @Novaman better deal with it because that's what he's been doing all along and I've trained him well. Whenever he throws a tantrum, I'll throw some scraps his way to shut him up and then I can continue living my cushy lifestyle." (I'm just wildly guessing here, I don't profess to understand the minds and thought process of people)

So, I think here's how it would go. There will be a whole lot of huffing and then whole lot of puffing, then there will be a bunch of tantrums and when she sees that you are not budging (hopefully) then she might give an inch or two to placate you. The next thing we know, you are back here writing very happily that things have improved significantly and that you both are doing great. And about another six to eight months after that you'll likely be back again. (Just my pure unadulterated wild guess)
Or she might be willing to burn everything down to maintain her position on the pedestal that she loves being on so much.

That is what my STBX decided to do, when I backed off from him ("the 180", before I had ever heard of it)...and when I saw the swamp of selfishness in his heart that had been hidden from me (but I had always felt), there was NO unseeing it.

Growing a backbone doesn't always remind your partner to see you and care about your needs...and people need to be ready for THAT consequence as well.
 

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it is difficult to read some of these. they are true, in that the OP desperately needs more sex, and no matter what he does, she does not improve.

but this is pretty clearly a medical problem. she no longer has any sex hormones, or libido. so she literally does not understand what the whole problem is.

Ya know, when the priest/rabbi says "in sickness and in health, till death do us part", i think he is talking about this. she has a medical illness. you really can not divorce her for that! you took a vow.


OP is stuck
Absolutely NOT. She also has vows and responsibilities to her husband and marriage as well. Forced celibacy is unequivocally WRONG.

And IF menopause is an "illness" she has, then she needs to get to her doctor for the "cure", or at least an attempt at it.
My guess is she is content with being "sick" this way, since the only problem is for her monogamous partner...so she isn't interested in making it HER problem.

Porn and/or masturbation addiction could also be called an "illness" that affects sexual performance...should partners stay stuck for that as well?

Absolutely NOT.
 

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In that case, she has listening problem. She's not hearing what is important to him and he's been telling her for all these years.
In fact, I said she should be honest with him and divorce him. Clearly she can't give him what he wants and he needs it badly, so the only solution is to split up.
 

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Don't you think that the main reason she would be frustrated by any further escalation of their situation, is because she is tired of meeting his needs and wants to have things her way now...? I can't imagine another reason for someone to be frustrated like that when their partner says, if you are unwilling to meet my needs, I will have them met elsewhere...

Won't that solve her problem and end any frustration?? Unless she is trying to ERASE his needs because they are inconvenient for her, I am not sure why else she would be frustrated.
As I said before, there are many women that think sex is not that important in a marriage, especially after 20-30 years. They think you are not entitled to sex and that you should compromise heavily - once a month, for example (if you are lucky). The OP's wife doesn't understand why he wants sex all the time and she is not prepared to meet his needs to that extent, because sex should not be a priority after all these years. And she is upset because she doesn't understand why sex is more important than your wife and that you are prepared to divorce your wife over this. My wife is a classic example: she didn't understand, but we compromised and sex was scheduled at twice a month. Why did I stay? The sex was good... :) I don't understand how a man can be in relationship with corpse sex (® @Blondilocks) once a month. At least the sex has to be good!
 

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She is saying it to be hateful-she doesn't mean it
My wife learned early on not to be sarcastic and say only what you mean or i will do exactly that thing to the Nth degree. Dont be sarcastic or you might eat your attitude. She made that comment, it would mean open marriage for me.
 

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I'm not saying it's not acceptable, but that it's a good blackmailing tool. It makes you feel you are just a pig, only interested in sex, especially after many years of marriage.
She has you brainwashed if you feel that way. The problem is her committing mental abuse by withholding sex from the marriage.
 

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She has you brainwashed if you feel that way. The problem is her committing mental abuse by withholding sex from the marriage.
It wasn't brainwashing... it was just pure abusive blackmailing. Of course you don't leave "just for sex". Sex is another way of making the emotional connection, at least for me. I always knew my wife was talking ******** about that. She didn't get it. Sure, I did feel like a pig at the beginning, because it's a powerful weapon, but then I understood. It wasn't my fault. My point is that some women just don't get the sexual/emotional connection aspect and see it as the male just wanting them for sex = pig. Which is not true, obviously.
 

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Interesting...the task of staying married versus not is always challenging, especially if you’ve been married a long time....
Unlike others posting in this forum, I feel you’re egocentric. Working out 7 days a week & informing the readers of your physique only serves to illustrate how self absorbed you are with your appearance. Also, your remarks about your wealth only serves as materialism. I do not find these details relevant or necessary. You sound like a man who feels entitled to sex, expects sex, and is perplexed because, how can you not get sex when you are all these “wonderful” things you tell us? it sounds to me that you’re not being truthful about your intentions. It sounds like your entertaining leaving your wife ( because you’re not getting what you want) or seeking to justify a clandestine romance (with a willing partner).
Intimacy that is fulfilling is NOT about sexual intercourse. It can be achieved through affectionate acts, such as, hand holding, caressing, kissing, or holding each other in bed at night. Fore play is important. Flirting with each other is important. Connecting emotionally, caring for one another is a task, as important, or more so, than working out daily.
I believe there are other issues here. The lack of sex is a symptom of a greater problem.
I recommend seeking counseling. You may ask your wife how she feels about that... but to assume it’s all her fault ( that you have no sex) and that you’re doing all the relationship work, I do not believe that is an accurate assessment. It definitely takes 2 to have a relationship.
I have one real question for you. When you argue, is there passion? If not, your marriage is not well.
Passion, in my opinion, demonstrates you both still care. Good luck.
He brings up those things because there is alot of shallow women out there that those things matter greatly to. He is stating those cant be the reasons.

Problem is she is not a berson sex is important to so she just shuts it off and expects him to be good with it.

To some people sex is the glue that bonds the marriage. It is a deeply emotional thing between a husband and wife. The longer it is between sex with my wife the further away emotionally i feel from her. If wife wants a sexless marriage...she will be treated like my sister. Occasional peck on cheek or hug, she lives her life i live mine....speak occasionally.
 

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Well, I’m back 9 months later to vent yet again. Things did get better for a while- I would push the issue and my wife would compromise and allow me to have sex maybe once every 1-2 weeks. But the sex is almost always one sided. She is just not interested. the frequency has continued to decline and it is now getting closer to once a month which is not acceptable for me. As a result, I’ve begun masturbating again just to get a release.

the latest riff about this has put me in a funk. I have been depressed now for almost a week- it Comes after a long spell where she constantly rebuffed my advances. She has now tried to offer “make up“ sex which I am turning down as I am just tired of this sexual relationship being one sided. We just had an argument about it and she said that I can’t expect to get my happiness from her. I then said that perhaps I need to find my happiness from somewhere else and she got really upset and stormed off.

this is sad.
She is the one that told you to go elsewhere for sex.
 
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