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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
We've been happily married for 32 years now. Wife has always had a lower sex drive than myself. Early on I would be happy with sex every day whereas she would be far less interested so sex would happen a few times a week. The years have passed and my wife's interest in sex continues to lessen.

We have now reached the point where she is basically not interested in sex anymore. We still have sex, but sometimes it is once a month now, and nearly always it is just to placate me as she would be perfectly happy with never having sex. Her having sex to just "do her duty" is one of near total disinterest on her part. She just lays there like a corpse and waits for me to be done.

I've tried everything. I am a good husband, treat her like a queen, attentive to her needs. I keep myself in excellent shape. She has no stresses. Does not work. We are wealthy and have the freedom to do whatever we want. Ive tried wining and dining her, doing extras special date nights, buying some fun things to spice up the evening.

I'm at wits end and am posting here to vent.
 

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so, has she been to a Dr? I presume (maybe incorrectly) that she is post-menopause, so perhaps her hormones should be checked into.
Has she changed with you OTHER than sex? Is she still affectionate and talkative to you? Wants to still do things with you?
I hate to ask, but have you checked her phone/email/social media also?
 

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We've been happily married for 32 years now. Wife has always had a lower sex drive than myself. Early on I would be happy with sex every day whereas she would be far less interested so sex would happen a few times a week. The years have passed and my wife's interest in sex continues to lessen.

We have now reached the point where she is basically not interested in sex anymore. We still have sex, but sometimes it is once a month now, and nearly always it is just to placate me as she would be perfectly happy with never having sex. Her having sex to just "do her duty" is one of near total disinterest on her part. She just lays there like a corpse and waits for me to be done.

I've tried everything. I am a good husband, treat her like a queen, attentive to her needs. I keep myself in excellent shape. She has no stresses. Does not work. We are wealthy and have the freedom to do whatever we want. Ive tried wining and dining her, doing extras special date nights, buying some fun things to spice up the evening.

I'm at wits end and am posting here to vent.
First off I know lots of men have this idea, but doing a bunch of stuff for women doesn't make them attracted to you. Think about it, does your wife doing the dishes make you want to jump her bones? Again I get it when I was young I thought that too, because that is what we were taught from TV shows and the media we consumed. This idea that the lovable nice guy ends up with the beautiful women, or the bumbling idiot with his heart in the right place. Nah humans don't work like that. You need to be more Han Solo, less Mr. Belvederer.

So understand that you are not going to work your way into bed with your wife, what kind of shape are you in as far as attraction? Do you pursue your wife emotionally? romantically? That isn't hey lets have sex tonight, or even, I brought you home flowers, now lets have sex tonight. It's keeping a running dialog about your attraction to her, and you want to feel close to her and sex is a part of that, but being delicate as to not pressure her. It's being flirty but NOT expecting sex 10 mins later. You want to make her feel like she isn't required but she would be missing out if she didn't. You want to make sex exciting and fun, not a chore.

Again what kind of shape are you in? Have you let yourself go physically? It's sad I have to write this but it seems to be a thing, I read post from women where they write "my husband has put on 100 pounds and I love him but I am not attracted anymore. I don't want to hurt his feeling." There is this idea that women are not as appearance driven as men, and that may even be true but they are not so little appearance driven that you should let yourself go. If you have fix that. Lose weight, lift weights. (Every man should life weights, period. I say that every time I write these posts because I know from experience how beneficial it is. And I am not your typical jock type. Until I started doing it I would have never expected it, but do it!)

Are you still courting her? I think for lots and lots of women their sex drive is about response desire, meaning they get horny when they feel desired. Not required, or like a sex appliance but desired. They also have to deal with all the media that is directed to them but that also show them unattainable images of appearances of women and then subtlety shames them because they have not reached that goal. When frankly 99% of men are not even attracted to that appearance, for most that wouldn't be their preference, and at the least have a much wider rage of what they find attractive. So she needs to feel desired but it has to be in an environment where she feels emotionally connected and safe. Get that environment going first then pursue her.

To me it sounds like you are also too nice and she takes you for granted. I am not saying be mean but I am saying maybe you need to detach a little so she can get an idea what she would be losing. It's been my experience that women are much more attracted to strength then servanthood. That doesn't mean you don't help but I think it's better to make it a partnership. It's easy for human beings to get entitled. Project strength, like you know where you are going with or without her.

Maybe this isn't you but people who treat their spouses like children often end up with spouses who fit into that dynamic. Treat your spouse like a peer, which includes accountability and expectations, which is a healthy dynamic and you will have a much better relationship. At least you will know where you stand.

Frankly most of the time it really comes down to the non interested spouse understanding that there is a line in the sand and if they don't address this then it's over. I know that is harsh but it's just a fact. Now you don't have to start with that but you will most likely end there. Age may have a part in this but there are things she can do like get her hormones checked. You can both try try to learn about each others sexual nature and be empathetic even play with that and enjoy it.

Bottom line is keep doing what you are doing and nothing is going to change.
 

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I'm at wits end and am posting here to vent.
I get it. I understand. You have three basic choices:

Behind door #1 is continuing to be at your wit's end and continue venting so you don't explode,

Behind door #2: pack up and leave her, and you will be paying her way AND YOURS for the rest of your life, with none of the other benefits....

Behind door #3: refuse to be at your wit's end about it any longer.

I have chosen door #3.

doing a bunch of stuff for women doesn't make them attracted to you.
"I don't want to hurt his feeling"
No, but those who tell us it does accomplish their purpose of selling books, seminars, and booking speaking engagements attended by women who don't really want to have sex with their husbands but are delighted to have an "authority" provide them an excuse which won't "hurt his feeling"....

They also have to deal with all the media that is directed to them but that also show them unattainable images of appearances of women and then subtlety shames them because they have not reached that goal.
They also have to deal with all the media that is directed toward SELLING THEM SOMETHING which shows them airbrushed images of men which are attainable by about 1/2% of the male population. It subtlely makes them compare us to them and find themselves lacking, no, rather, it is not really all that subtle....
 

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First off, if you can persuade her to see a hormone specialist, do so. The right hormone creams/pills can work wonders for her libido. And also talk to her about how this is affecting you and how you feel about her (counselling is often suggested, but in such situations rarely makes any difference, IMO and experience). Finally, if nothing works, you can put up with it, divorce (that was my choice in my first marriage after all else failed), negotiate an open marriage, or cheat (I don't recommend this at all, but it is an option).
 

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We've been happily married for 32 years now. Wife has always had a lower sex drive than myself. Early on I would be happy with sex every day whereas she would be far less interested so sex would happen a few times a week. The years have passed and my wife's interest in sex continues to lessen.

We have now reached the point where she is basically not interested in sex anymore. We still have sex, but sometimes it is once a month now, and nearly always it is just to placate me as she would be perfectly happy with never having sex. Her having sex to just "do her duty" is one of near total disinterest on her part. She just lays there like a corpse and waits for me to be done.

I've tried everything. I am a good husband, treat her like a queen, attentive to her needs. I keep myself in excellent shape. She has no stresses. Does not work. We are wealthy and have the freedom to do whatever we want. Ive tried wining and dining her, doing extras special date nights, buying some fun things to spice up the evening.

I'm at wits end and am posting here to vent.
Look, she's old and she no longer has much if any sex drive. It's physical. I mean, her body doesn't want sex now. Does she go on regular gyn visits, at least once yearly? Because the only thing that might change her a little is if her doctor thinks hormone therapy is right for her. It's not right for everyone, depending on their history. Even then, hormone therapy is not a miracle worker. I mean, it helps a little, but she would never get back up to multi times a week from hormone therapy. The older she gets, the more physical problems she will likely have, and that can be many and varied, that can make you not want to have sex even if you have the stirrings.

Think of it this way. If your body didn't want to have sex, intercourse wouldn't even be a possibility. You could do other things, but it wouldn't do much for you. Neither will it for her. If she's accommodating you sometimes, that's because she does care. She doesn't mind you masturbating, does she? If so, do it anyway in private.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
so, has she been to a Dr? I presume (maybe incorrectly) that she is post-menopause, so perhaps her hormones should be checked into.
Has she changed with you OTHER than sex? Is she still affectionate and talkative to you? Wants to still do things with you?
I hate to ask, but have you checked her phone/email/social media also?
Wife is pot menopause. Wife is affectionate and talkative. We are both "retired" and do everything together. Hormones likely have a lot to do with this. We've had this discussion in the past and she is not interested in doing anything about it. There is no way she could be carrying on any kind of relationship with someone else.
 

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First off I know lots of men have this idea, but doing a bunch of stuff for women doesn't make them attracted to you. Think about it, does your wife doing the dishes make you want to jump her bones? Again I get it when I was young I thought that too, because that is what we were taught from TV shows and the media we consumed. This idea that the lovable nice guy ends up with the beautiful women, or the bumbling idiot with his heart in the right place. Nah humans don't work like that. You need to be more Han Solo, less Mr. Belvederer.

So understand that you are not going to work your way into bed with your wife, what kind of shape are you in as far as attraction? Do you pursue your wife emotionally? romantically? That isn't hey lets have sex tonight, or even, I brought you home flowers, now lets have sex tonight. It's keeping a running dialog about your attraction to her, and you want to feel close to her and sex is a part of that, but being delicate as to not pressure her. It's being flirty but NOT expecting sex 10 mins later. You want to make her feel like she isn't required but she would be missing out if she didn't. You want to make sex exciting and fun, not a chore.

Again what kind of shape are you in? Have you let yourself go physically? It's sad I have to write this but it seems to be a thing, I read post from women where they write "my husband has put on 100 pounds and I love him but I am not attracted anymore. I don't want to hurt his feeling." There is this idea that women are not as appearance driven as men, and that may even be true but they are not so little appearance driven that you should let yourself go. If you have fix that. Lose weight, lift weights. (Every man should life weights, period. I say that every time I write these posts because I know from experience how beneficial it is. And I am not your typical jock type. Until I started doing it I would have never expected it, but do it!)

Are you still courting her? I think for lots and lots of women their sex drive is about response desire, meaning they get horny when they feel desired. Not required, or like a sex appliance but desired. They also have to deal with all the media that is directed to them but that also show them unattainable images of appearances of women and then subtlety shames them because they have not reached that goal. When frankly 99% of men are not even attracted to that appearance, for most that wouldn't be their preference, and at the least have a much wider rage of what they find attractive. So she needs to feel desired but it has to be in an environment where she feels emotionally connected and safe. Get that environment going first then pursue her.

To me it sounds like you are also too nice and she takes you for granted. I am not saying be mean but I am saying maybe you need to detach a little so she can get an idea what she would be losing. It's been my experience that women are much more attracted to strength then servanthood. That doesn't mean you don't help but I think it's better to make it a partnership. It's easy for human beings to get entitled. Project strength, like you know where you are going with or without her.

Maybe this isn't you but people who treat their spouses like children often end up with spouses who fit into that dynamic. Treat your spouse like a peer, which includes accountability and expectations, which is a healthy dynamic and you will have a much better relationship. At least you will know where you stand.

Frankly most of the time it really comes down to the non interested spouse understanding that there is a line in the sand and if they don't address this then it's over. I know that is harsh but it's just a fact. Now you don't have to start with that but you will most likely end there. Age may have a part in this but there are things she can do like get her hormones checked. You can both try try to learn about each others sexual nature and be empathetic even play with that and enjoy it.

Bottom line is keep doing what you are doing and nothing is going to change.
Thanks for the response. She often uses the excuse that I'm not romantic enough. But I've known her for 36 years so I've learned to be very romantic. She still will sometimes use that as an excuse but I call her out on it ands then she says "well I'm just not in the mood!"

I keep myself in really good shape. I am 5-11 171 lbs. waist size 32. I work out 7 days a week doing weights, HITT, P90X, Insanity, cardio, etc. Both my wife and I have aged very well. I am 57 but people think I am in my late 30's. Over the years, I have garnered plenty of flirtatious attention from attractive females in their 20's and 30's, as recently as 3 months ago. But I am a decent man who is committed to my marriage. So I let them know immediately that I am NOT in my late 30's and that I am happily married and a grandpa!

The remark you made that is bolded is likely part of the problem. I say this because they last time we had a period of hot sex where my wife really paid attention to me and wanted me was about 7 years ago over a 2 month period when our relationship was strained. I had been asked to look after a young college coed who was staying on our area for a summer job. She turned out to be absolutely gorgeous and we really clicked. She had a difficult time that summer and kept turning to me for assistance because she had no where else to go- I became a father figure to her. Well the red flags went up with my wife and it was definitely the most difficult period of our 32 year marriage. Nothing ever happened between the young lady and myself (like I said, I am a decent man committed to remaining faithful to my marriage vows) but boy did the sex get hot between me and the wife for a brief period of time.
 

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We've been happily married for 32 years now. Wife has always had a lower sex drive than myself. Early on I would be happy with sex every day whereas she would be far less interested so sex would happen a few times a week. The years have passed and my wife's interest in sex continues to lessen.

We have now reached the point where she is basically not interested in sex anymore. We still have sex, but sometimes it is once a month now, and nearly always it is just to placate me as she would be perfectly happy with never having sex. Her having sex to just "do her duty" is one of near total disinterest on her part. She just lays there like a corpse and waits for me to be done.

I've tried everything. I am a good husband, treat her like a queen, attentive to her needs. I keep myself in excellent shape. She has no stresses. Does not work. We are wealthy and have the freedom to do whatever we want. Ive tried wining and dining her, doing extras special date nights, buying some fun things to spice up the evening.
Those actions won't awaken sexual desire in a woman whose age and hormones are working against you. Also, they seem like they are your normal behaviour. To her, there's nothing new or intriguing about you.

What you're doing isn't working. It's time to try other things.

Thanks for the response. She often uses the excuse that I'm not romantic enough. But I've known her for 36 years so I've learned to be very romantic. She still will sometimes use that as an excuse but I call her out on it ands then she says "well I'm just not in the mood!"
I believe that what men and women consider romantic is vastly different. Have you ever had a conversation with her to figure out what she means by 'romantic?' What do you each consider flirting? You may find that she considers all your supposedly romantic actions as expressions of your love for her, but they aren't expressing your sexual desire in a way she responds to sexually in return.

You should probably have a very awkward conversation with her, a collaborative conversation, to discuss how you are supposed to rev her engine (get her aroused and feeling sexual) when the fuel tank is empty (hormones).

The remark you made that is bolded is likely part of the problem. I say this because they last time we had a period of hot sex where my wife really paid attention to me and wanted me was about 7 years ago over a 2 month period when our relationship was strained. I had been asked to look after a young college coed who was staying on our area for a summer job. She turned out to be absolutely gorgeous and we really clicked. She had a difficult time that summer and kept turning to me for assistance because she had no where else to go- I became a father figure to her. Well the red flags went up with my wife and it was definitely the most difficult period of our 32 year marriage. Nothing ever happened between the young lady and myself (like I said, I am a decent man committed to remaining faithful to my marriage vows) but boy did the sex get hot between me and the wife for a brief period of time.
She had a rival, and she was claiming her territory. She saw you as a desired person, and it triggered her own desire. That's a big clue that your normal devoted husband behaviour isn't what turns her on anymore.

You have developed a dynamic where you and your wife are antagonists. She probably feels pressured for sex she doesn't enjoy anymore. You feel like she's rejecting you no matter how hard you try. It's a you vs her dynamic that isn't good for a marriage. So sit down with her, have that awkward conversation, and frame is you AND her together against the problem of the decline of the marital sex life. Then work collaboratively to solve it.
 

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A woman in her fifties isn't "too old" to be having a passionate, regular sex life. Sounds like she has demoted you to a roommate and you are accepting it, all the while treating her like "a queen". For the rest of your life.

FYI: many menopausal women are exciting, passionate, intimate, and enjoy sex.

Geez, in your fifties?

That's young to give up having a sex life. Not healthy in many ways.

She's a roommate. I'd suggest treating her like one, stop the queen treatment, and start building up a life of your own.
 

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I get it. I understand. You have three basic choices:

Behind door #1 is continuing to be at your wit's end and continue venting so you don't explode,

Behind door #2: pack up and leave her, and you will be paying her way AND YOURS for the rest of your life, with none of the other benefits....

Behind door #3: refuse to be at your wit's end about it any longer.
Behind door #4: A mistress.

Doesn't even have to be a secret affair. "Wifey since I'm not getting it from you I'm going to get it somewhere else".

P.S. If he chooses door #2 he won't be paying her way for the rest of his life. Sure she gets a chunk of the marital assets and probably spousal support for a time period but it's not forever. He said he's wealthy so that shouldn't even be an issue.
 

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We've been happily married for 32 years now. Wife has always had a lower sex drive than myself. Early on I would be happy with sex every day whereas she would be far less interested so sex would happen a few times a week. The years have passed and my wife's interest in sex continues to lessen.

We have now reached the point where she is basically not interested in sex anymore. We still have sex, but sometimes it is once a month now, and nearly always it is just to placate me as she would be perfectly happy with never having sex. Her having sex to just "do her duty" is one of near total disinterest on her part. She just lays there like a corpse and waits for me to be done.

I've tried everything. I am a good husband, treat her like a queen, attentive to her needs. I keep myself in excellent shape. She has no stresses. Does not work. We are wealthy and have the freedom to do whatever we want. Ive tried wining and dining her, doing extras special date nights, buying some fun things to spice up the evening.

I'm at wits end and am posting here to vent.
Unless you want to lose over half of everything you own, you’re out of luck.
Have you considered Discussing with her getting your needs met elsewhere?
 

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If you’re ready to leave if she doesn’t get herself together then you should let her know. You don’t seem like you would have trouble finding a companion that will have a sexual relationship with you so let her know you’d prefer it was her but if not then that’s ok too. It’s rough I know but that’s what it is.

Stay and learn to deal with your dead bedroom.

Leave and give up your long term companionship in the hopes you end up with a better sexual relationship.

Or... she figures out how to give you what you need to stay.
 

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Disagree, based on sample of one.
I've been on hormone therapy for decades myself. As I grow older, it can't overcome the natural progression, though.
 

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But was she ever to the point that his wife is where her body doesn't ever want sex, or was she just slowed down?
 
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