[georgieporgie]

So here's my story in brief. Sorry but even in brief its quite long, but if anyone has the patience to read it I'll be so grateful for any helpful thoughts.

I'm in my early 30s, married 8 years with 2 kids in an arranged marriage. Wife was always uncomfortable with virtually all forms of intimacy, including even hugs etc, she wasn't at all keen on it if it involve more than holding hands. She would be OK with it sometimes as a favour to me and a sense of obligation, but nothing more.

About 3 years ago I told her I couldn't manage like this. She agreed to change in this, and also to diet and care more for her appearance generally. And finally, not to gossip about our relationship behind my back, I'm a private person and I really dislike the feeling that problems in our marriage are public, always having to guess which people I know have had a chat with her and what she told them. I can't remember but she probably did put in some effort in the short term, but nothing lasting, and after say a few months these 3 issues (intimacy, diet, gossip) were back where they were.

About a year ago she stopped having any interest in any intimacy again for a prolonged period of about 6 months. She also stopped dieting at all until she was almost in the "morbidly obese" bracket. And finally she had a long chat with one of my best friends explaining all my shortcomings from her point of view. Coming after what I'd explained, I was pretty upset about the situation, though I tried to avoid judging her, it was tough to take in my stride and I got quite upset a few times.

Eventually she says I don't connect with her emotionally, and we start a process of going to a marriage counsellor. This wasn't something I'd wanted to do not really being a believer, besides I'm a private person, but this is what she said she needed. In counselling apart from things she wanted from me, I basically re-stated these 3 points as the thing which I needed from my side, which she agreed to do. She also went to see a doctor because of a list of symptoms like not sleeping etc, the doctor said they were all anxiety related and she should diet and exercise as this would help the root cause. We discussed this in marriage counselling and she agreed to exercise as well, as she understood that anxiety may have been making a big deal out of smallish things.

This bring us up to about 6 months ago. Since then once again she only kept her half of the bargain for a few months, although to be fair she did make a lot of progress on the intimacy front in that time and we were together 3x a week most weeks. About 2 months ago she got "burnt out" of the intimacy, which I got pretty fed up about after a couple weeks. After a few weeks like that she got back in the mood, but we'd only slept together once when I discover she's been talking about me to her Dad and to a psychologist who lives round the corner. I basically lost it a bit because I felt like I made it clear intimacy is something I need, you agreed to it, you got burnt out, I got fed up and then yes after about 2 weeks I started being cold to her and not my usual loving self. So why is it fair to complain about me being cold to your Dad, I'm sure leaving out anything from my point of view. And if our marriage counsellor isn't right for you, do you really need to choose the psychologist who I'm always bumping into, the worlds full of psychologists! Or to discuss it without me able to say anything. At the same time she had a minor surgical procedure at the top of her leg and needed me to change a dressing for her, she hadn't been dieting or exercising so I got quite freaked out at the sight. It was really off-putting (using restrained language) but I didn't say anything to her because I felt it would be un-gentlemanly (if that concept still exists).

It turns out that this psychologist is a big friend of her Dad's, and they want me to go to him to be evaluated for... autism! My wife says I've got an attachment difficulty because of an autism spectrum condition (or similar), and thats why I sometimes stop being loving, its like the loving switch gets turned off and she gets a cold distant husband for a few weeks.

Does this make sense to you? Obviously I don't much like the idea but that's not a reason to believe its not true... I'm very loving to our kids, probably more than she is, have great relationships with my parents siblings and friends, although I'm more introverted so I only have a few really good close friends. And I think the fact she stops the intimacy or gossips about me, especially when I've told her these are huge problems for me, is enough of a reason why a lot of men would go cold and distant, without needing psychological diagnoses.

I don't want to go to this psychologist, don't much want to go to any psychologist for that matter... TBH I think she's come up with this as a way of distracting from her difficulties with intimacy and/or the issue that she doesn't really like me... She's tried diagnosing me previously, as depressed, addicted to computers, etc, but has changed her mind each time because no expert agreed with her once they'd met me. Also, when I'm cold and distant she goes into her anxiety mode and thinks that I'm always like that (which I'm not), so she thinks I have an emotional issue.

I'm also not sure if there's any point continuing with the marriage counselling given that she hasn't kept what was agreed there (intimacy, diet, exercise, gossip)... Even if I could somehow be sure she'd take it more seriously in the future, I don't know if she's capable of overcoming her difficulty with being in the mood for intimacy, or her anxiety if thats the cause, as she's had plenty of chances. Or if there's any realistic chance she'll diet and exercise when she hasn't until now, I don't want to pressure her but on the other hand I don't know how I'll cope with a wife who looking at her puts me off.

[I'm not judging her, its not her fault if she doesn't like me or isn't an intimate type of person, or if she needs to talk about her life to her family to be able to cope, and its not for me to tell her to diet and exercise. But these are things I need].

Any thoughts? and thanks for reading!

[EDIT: for thread newcomers, there are a lot more details about the situation in Post #10 and Post #36]

 

[PDXGuardsman]

So here's my story in brief. Sorry but even in brief its quite long, but if anyone has the patience to read it I'll be so grateful for any helpful thoughts.



I'm in my early 30s, married 8 years with 2 kids in an arranged marriage. Wife was always uncomfortable with virtually all forms of intimacy, including even hugs etc, she wasn't at all keen on it if it involve more than holding hands. She would be OK with it sometimes as a favour to me and a sense of obligation, but nothing more.



About 3 years ago I told her I couldn't manage like this. She agreed to change in this, and also to diet and care more for her appearance generally. And finally, not to gossip about our relationship behind my back, I'm a private person and I really dislike the feeling that problems in our marriage are public, always having to guess which people I know have had a chat with her and what she told them. I can't remember but she probably did put in some effort in the short term, but nothing lasting, and after say a few months these 3 issues (intimacy, diet, gossip) were back where they were.



About a year ago she stopped having any interest in any intimacy again for a prolonged period of about 6 months. She also stopped dieting at all until she was almost in the "morbidly obese" bracket. And finally she had a long chat with one of my best friends explaining all my shortcomings from her point of view. Coming after what I'd explained, I was pretty upset about the situation, though I tried to avoid judging her, it was tough to take in my stride and I got quite upset a few times.



Eventually she says I don't connect with her emotionally, and we start a process of going to a marriage counsellor. This wasn't something I'd wanted to do not really being a believer, besides I'm a private person, but this is what she said she needed. In counselling apart from things she wanted from me, I basically re-stated these 3 points as the thing which I needed from my side, which she agreed to do. She also went to see a doctor because of a list of symptoms like not sleeping etc, the doctor said they were all anxiety related and she should diet and exercise as this would help the root cause. We discussed this in marriage counselling and she agreed to exercise as well, as she understood that anxiety may have been making a big deal out of smallish things.



This bring us up to about 6 months ago. Since then once again she only kept her half of the bargain for a few months, although to be fair she did make a lot of progress on the intimacy front in that time and we were together 3x a week most weeks. About 2 months ago she got "burnt out" of the intimacy, which I got pretty fed up about after a couple weeks. After a few weeks like that she got back in the mood, but we'd only slept together once when I discover she's been talking about me to her Dad and to a psychologist who lives round the corner. I basically lost it a bit because I felt like I made it clear intimacy is something I need, you agreed to it, you got burnt out, I got fed up and then yes after about 2 weeks I started being cold to her and not my usual loving self. So why is it fair to complain about me being cold to your Dad, I'm sure leaving out anything from my point of view. And if our marriage counsellor isn't right for you, do you really need to choose the psychologist who I'm always bumping into, the worlds full of psychologists! Or to discuss it without me able to say anything. At the same time she had a minor surgical procedure at the top of her leg and needed me to change a dressing for her, she hadn't been dieting or exercising so I got quite freaked out at the sight. It was really off-putting (using restrained language) but I didn't say anything to her because I felt it would be un-gentlemanly (if that concept still exists).



It turns out that this psychologist is a big friend of her Dad's, and they want me to go to him to be evaluated for... autism! My wife says I've got an attachment difficulty because of an autism spectrum condition (or similar), and thats why I sometimes stop being loving, its like the loving switch gets turned off and she gets a cold distant husband for a few weeks.



Does this make sense to you? Obviously I don't much like the idea but that's not a reason to believe its not true... I'm very loving to our kids, probably more than she is, have great relationships with my parents siblings and friends, although I'm more introverted so I only have a few really good close friends. And I think the fact she stops the intimacy or gossips about me, especially when I've told her these are huge problems for me, is enough of a reason why a lot of men would go cold and distant, without needing psychological diagnoses.



I don't want to go to this psychologist, don't much want to go to any psychologist for that matter... TBH I think she's come up with this as a way of distracting from her difficulties with intimacy and/or the issue that she doesn't really like me... She's tried diagnosing me previously, as depressed, addicted to computers, etc, but has changed her mind each time because no expert agreed with her once they'd met me. Also, when I'm cold and distant she goes into her anxiety mode and thinks that I'm always like that (which I'm not), so she thinks I have an emotional issue.



I'm also not sure if there's any point continuing with the marriage counselling given that she hasn't kept what was agreed there (intimacy, diet, exercise, gossip)... Even if I could somehow be sure she'd take it more seriously in the future, I don't know if she's capable of overcoming her difficulty with being in the mood for intimacy, or her anxiety if thats the cause, as she's had plenty of chances. Or if there's any realistic chance she'll diet and exercise when she hasn't until now, I don't want to pressure her but on the other hand I don't know how I'll cope with a wife who looking at her puts me off.



[I'm not judging her, its not her fault if she doesn't like me or isn't an intimate type of person, or if she needs to talk about her life to her family to be able to cope, and its not for me to tell her to diet and exercise. But these are things I need].



Any thoughts? and thanks for reading!

Wow! Beware of folks who diagnose or suggest any form of psychological condition before a thorough evaluation. Maybe you do have ASD maybe you don’t...but I would suggest if you make an appointment, I recommend you see an impartial psychologist...maybe two different ones for an evaluation. As far as the gossip...I wouldn’t worry much unless you notice it effecting your relationships. I’m guessing many folks disregard stuff said about you...doesn’t mean it’s not hurtful that your wife does it. To me it sounds like you are trying to take the obvious “right” actions...marriage counseling...trying to be understanding, etc. Ultimately change is an inside job and you cannot change your wife...you can be encouraging, supportive and helpful. If you are not patient enough to deal with her as she is now...you have choices. I feel for ya!


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[Marc878]

Making excuses for her is getting you what?

You aren't getting any and you won't.

You're indecisive and will live this way until you aren't.

The only one who can help you is you.

 

[MEM2020]

GP,

This is an interesting post. Most men would respond very negatively to a wife who: doesn’t like sex, doesn’t take care of herself physically and gains a LOT of weight quickly and gossips about him.

That said, you have consciously chosen not to address any of the things she dislikes about you, and the ages of your kids. The former prevents a balanced response to your situation and the latter makes it impossible for anyone to gauge why you chose to have children with someone who you are totally incompatible with.

So here's my story in brief. Sorry but even in brief its quite long, but if anyone has the patience to read it I'll be so grateful for any helpful thoughts.

I'm in my early 30s, married 8 years with 2 kids in an arranged marriage. Wife was always uncomfortable with virtually all forms of intimacy, including even hugs etc, she wasn't at all keen on it if it involve more than holding hands. She would be OK with it sometimes as a favour to me and a sense of obligation, but nothing more.

About 3 years ago I told her I couldn't manage like this. She agreed to change in this, and also to diet and care more for her appearance generally. And finally, not to gossip about our relationship behind my back, I'm a private person and I really dislike the feeling that problems in our marriage are public, always having to guess which people I know have had a chat with her and what she told them. I can't remember but she probably did put in some effort in the short term, but nothing lasting, and after say a few months these 3 issues (intimacy, diet, gossip) were back where they were.

About a year ago she stopped having any interest in any intimacy again for a prolonged period of about 6 months. She also stopped dieting at all until she was almost in the "morbidly obese" bracket. And finally she had a long chat with one of my best friends explaining all my shortcomings from her point of view. Coming after what I'd explained, I was pretty upset about the situation, though I tried to avoid judging her, it was tough to take in my stride and I got quite upset a few times.

Eventually she says I don't connect with her emotionally, and we start a process of going to a marriage counsellor. This wasn't something I'd wanted to do not really being a believer, besides I'm a private person, but this is what she said she needed. In counselling apart from things she wanted from me, I basically re-stated these 3 points as the thing which I needed from my side, which she agreed to do. She also went to see a doctor because of a list of symptoms like not sleeping etc, the doctor said they were all anxiety related and she should diet and exercise as this would help the root cause. We discussed this in marriage counselling and she agreed to exercise as well, as she understood that anxiety may have been making a big deal out of smallish things.

This bring us up to about 6 months ago. Since then once again she only kept her half of the bargain for a few months, although to be fair she did make a lot of progress on the intimacy front in that time and we were together 3x a week most weeks. About 2 months ago she got "burnt out" of the intimacy, which I got pretty fed up about after a couple weeks. After a few weeks like that she got back in the mood, but we'd only slept together once when I discover she's been talking about me to her Dad and to a psychologist who lives round the corner. I basically lost it a bit because I felt like I made it clear intimacy is something I need, you agreed to it, you got burnt out, I got fed up and then yes after about 2 weeks I started being cold to her and not my usual loving self. So why is it fair to complain about me being cold to your Dad, I'm sure leaving out anything from my point of view. And if our marriage counsellor isn't right for you, do you really need to choose the psychologist who I'm always bumping into, the worlds full of psychologists! Or to discuss it without me able to say anything. At the same time she had a minor surgical procedure at the top of her leg and needed me to change a dressing for her, she hadn't been dieting or exercising so I got quite freaked out at the sight. It was really off-putting (using restrained language) but I didn't say anything to her because I felt it would be un-gentlemanly (if that concept still exists).

It turns out that this psychologist is a big friend of her Dad's, and they want me to go to him to be evaluated for... autism! My wife says I've got an attachment difficulty because of an autism spectrum condition (or similar), and thats why I sometimes stop being loving, its like the loving switch gets turned off and she gets a cold distant husband for a few weeks.

Does this make sense to you? Obviously I don't much like the idea but that's not a reason to believe its not true... I'm very loving to our kids, probably more than she is, have great relationships with my parents siblings and friends, although I'm more introverted so I only have a few really good close friends. And I think the fact she stops the intimacy or gossips about me, especially when I've told her these are huge problems for me, is enough of a reason why a lot of men would go cold and distant, without needing psychological diagnoses.

I don't want to go to this psychologist, don't much want to go to any psychologist for that matter... TBH I think she's come up with this as a way of distracting from her difficulties with intimacy and/or the issue that she doesn't really like me... She's tried diagnosing me previously, as depressed, addicted to computers, etc, but has changed her mind each time because no expert agreed with her once they'd met me. Also, when I'm cold and distant she goes into her anxiety mode and thinks that I'm always like that (which I'm not), so she thinks I have an emotional issue.

I'm also not sure if there's any point continuing with the marriage counselling given that she hasn't kept what was agreed there (intimacy, diet, exercise, gossip)... Even if I could somehow be sure she'd take it more seriously in the future, I don't know if she's capable of overcoming her difficulty with being in the mood for intimacy, or her anxiety if thats the cause, as she's had plenty of chances. Or if there's any realistic chance she'll diet and exercise when she hasn't until now, I don't want to pressure her but on the other hand I don't know how I'll cope with a wife who looking at her puts me off.

[I'm not judging her, its not her fault if she doesn't like me or isn't an intimate type of person, or if she needs to talk about her life to her family to be able to cope, and its not for me to tell her to diet and exercise. But these are things I need].

Any thoughts? and thanks for reading!

 

[georgieporgie]

Wow! Beware of folks who diagnose or suggest any form of psychological condition before a thorough evaluation. Maybe you do have ASD maybe you don’t...but I would suggest if you make an appointment, I recommend you see an impartial psychologist...maybe two different ones for an evaluation.

The funny thing is, that psychologist has a fairly good reputation locally... I was very surprised that he would make suggestions just on the basis of my wife's description though.
Why do you think I should go to 2 different psychologists? I mean, what if say one says I've got ASD and one says I don't?

As far as the gossip...I wouldn’t worry much unless you notice it effecting your relationships. I’m guessing many folks disregard stuff said about you...doesn’t mean it’s not hurtful that your wife does it.

Well my wife's family is (quite rightly) 100% on my wife's side which makes family occasions quite unpleasant for me... I myself have never discussed the issues I have with her with anyone in my family, as I hate it when its done to me, and I'm sure it'll only make things worse. And I haven't taken it up with her father etc because I feel my wife needs to have them on her side to support her. But this does make me feel isolated, as everyone who knows about it thinks I'm being crazy.

I feel for ya!

Thanks!

 

[georgieporgie]

Making excuses for her is getting you what?

You aren't getting any and you won't.

You're indecisive and will live this way until you aren't.

The only one who can help you is you.

Thanks for the honesty if a little brutal...

I'm indecisive because (1) we've two kids, and (2) she's a very kind nice person generally, which I should've said as it sheds light on the other issues, i.e. she doesn't gossip about me etc to be mean, and (3) I think she does want to improve and she did seem to be trying for a period.

That said, you're not wrong...

 

[Marc878]

Thanks for the honesty if a little brutal...

I'm indecisive because (1) we've two kids, and (2) she's a very kind nice person generally, which I should've said as it sheds light on the other issues, i.e. she doesn't gossip about me etc to be mean, and (3) I think she does want to improve and she did seem to be trying for a period.

That said, you're not wrong...

Not brutal. Realistic. You need honesty.

We all have can have control over ourselves. Indecision won't get you there.

I suspect the only one that can fix this is you. Take the lead

 

[Mr.Married]

Wife was always uncomfortable with virtually all forms of intimacy, including even hugs etc, she wasn't at all keen on it if it involve more than holding hands. She would be OK with it sometimes as a favour to me and a sense of obligation, but nothing more.

You knew it from the start. You made the wrong choice. You already knew who she was.

 

[manfromlamancha]

So what she is saying is that she is not attracted to you because of your suspected "autism" or in other words, your behaviour puts her off from having sex with you?

Maybe you should also check to see if there is someone else that she IS attracted to. She could be preparing the ground to leave by making sure that her family understands why she has to leave.

 

[georgieporgie]

This is an interesting post. Most men would respond very negatively to a wife who: doesn’t like sex, doesn’t take care of herself physically and gains a LOT of weight quickly and gossips about him.

Well I'm trying to be nice because she's a very kind nice person generally, (I should've said so as it sheds light on the other issues, i.e. she doesn't gossip about me etc to be mean), and I think she does want to improve and she did seem to be trying for a period. I'm just worried its too much for her and she never will be able to sort things out...

That said, you have consciously chosen not to address any of the things she dislikes about you, and the ages of your kids. The former prevents a balanced response to your situation...

Yes you're right. I can only speculate why she dislikes me because I can't be sure what the real reason is. I did write that she says I don't connect with her emotionally, and that now she thinks I can't do so due to autism or whatever. But from my point of view I'm 100% sure that when she's being normal (like she was for a few months) that I'm nice and kind and loving to her. The mystery is that she agrees I was being all that... and when anyone tries to probe a bit more what the problem is, she just clams up. When I try to probe she accuses me of being too logical, and this (as the marriage counsellor explained to me privately) fuels her view that I can't connect with her emotionally, as there is some reason which can be understood on an emotional level, and me not getting it proves that she's right that I don't connect with her emotionally. The counsellor tried to probe without much success, and she now wants us to stop with him because he doesn't understand her and doesn't agree with the autism theory and basically sees things the same as me (although to be fair he isn't a full psychologist so can't rule out her theory completely).

When she's doing these things which I wrote about, I do admit I'm not very nice for her to be around. For example, she completely messed up arrangements for rota and our son got dropped off at home when I was expecting to pick him up from his friend, and then she didn't answer the door to him etc., and I kind of rubbed it in her face that she'd messed up, (which I wouldn't normally do! and yes I agree I shouldn't have done it). Again this makes her feel that the "autism switch" has gone on, I'm incapable of being loving at times, and that's why I got angry. Anything to avoid the simple explanation that its because she's making a point of pressing my buttons!

So in short I can't really explain why she dislikes me, I suspect she just doesn't like me/my personality, perhaps she wants someone more extroverted like her brothers, perhaps something else. She very much wants to avoid divorce, so she can't accept/give any explanation which doesn't leave hope for the marriage to be rescued. But I don't know what her problem is with me, that's why I didn't address this in my post.

...and the latter makes it impossible for anyone to gauge why you chose to have children with someone who you are totally incompatible with.

The children are just 8 and nearly 6. We had them before the issues came to light. I know its crazy. Arranged marriages work very well 99% of the time, what happened in our case is a story for another time.
TBH I don't think the incompatibility is 2-ways, if she would be OK with me I'd be very happy with her. Its just the constant feeling of rejection which makes me fed up.

Thanks!

 

[georgieporgie]

So what she is saying is that she is not attracted to you because of your suspected "autism" or in other words, your behaviour puts her off from having sex with you?

In a nutshell... but see my reply to MEM2020 (Post #10) where I addressed this a bit more.

Maybe you should also check to see if there is someone else that she IS attracted to. She could be preparing the ground to leave by making sure that her family understands why she has to leave.

Definitely not consciously... But possibly there is someone who she likes and without even realising it has been comparing me to him. Right now she's being very vocal that she wants to avoid divorce, but I think she's just clutching at straws

 

[MEM2020]

GP,

I think your next move is simple. Painful, but simple.

I would tell her: I agree we aren’t emotionally connecting, we do however disagree about why. My view is that our disconnect is the direct result of my unhappiness with your behavior - towards me - about me - and with regard to your own self care.

If you don’t like the way I act when you are making an effort to keep me happy - you have a couple choices. You can be specific about what it is you want less of and more of in terms of my conduct. Or you can continue to say that I’m not connecting with you while refusing to explain why. In the latter case - I will shrug and do nothing different. Not because I’m indifferent to you, but because I refuse to chase shadows.

And fwiw I think the real issue is that you aren’t attracted to me, and simply with to avoid saying so as you wish to avoid a divorce.

Well I'm trying to be nice because she's a very kind nice person generally, (I should've said so as it sheds light on the other issues, i.e. she doesn't gossip about me etc to be mean), and I think she does want to improve and she did seem to be trying for a period. I'm just worried its too much for her and she never will be able to sort things out...



Yes you're right. I can only speculate why she dislikes me because I can't be sure what the real reason is. I did write that she says I don't connect with her emotionally, and that now she thinks I can't do so due to autism or whatever. But from my point of view I'm 100% sure that when she's being normal (like she was for a few months) that I'm nice and kind and loving to her. The mystery is that she agrees I was being all that... and when anyone tries to probe a bit more what the problem is, she just clams up. When I try to probe she accuses me of being too logical, and this (as the marriage counsellor explained to me privately) fuels her view that I can't connect with her emotionally, as there is some reason which can be understood on an emotional level, and me not getting it proves that she's right that I don't connect with her emotionally. The counsellor tried to probe without much success, and she now wants us to stop with him because he doesn't understand her and doesn't agree with the autism theory and basically sees things the same as me (although to be fair he isn't a full psychologist so can't rule out her theory completely).

When she's doing these things which I wrote about, I do admit I'm not very nice for her to be around. For example, she completely messed up arrangements for rota and our son got dropped off at home when I was expecting to pick him up from his friend, and then she didn't answer the door to him etc., and I kind of rubbed it in her face that she'd messed up, (which I wouldn't normally do! and yes I agree I shouldn't have done it). Again this makes her feel that the "autism switch" has gone on, I'm incapable of being loving at times, and that's why I got angry. Anything to avoid the simple explanation that its because she's making a point of pressing my buttons!

So in short I can't really explain why she dislikes me, I suspect she just doesn't like me/my personality, perhaps she wants someone more extroverted like her brothers, perhaps something else. She very much wants to avoid divorce, so she can't accept/give any explanation which doesn't leave hope for the marriage to be rescued. But I don't know what her problem is with me, that's why I didn't address this in my post.


The children are just 8 and nearly 6. We had them before the issues came to light. I know its crazy. Arranged marriages work very well 99% of the time, what happened in our case is a story for another time.
TBH I don't think the incompatibility is 2-ways, if she would be OK with me I'd be very happy with her. Its just the constant feeling of rejection which makes me fed up.

Thanks!

 

[georgieporgie]

GP,

I think your next move is simple. Painful, but simple.

I would tell her: I agree we aren’t emotionally connecting, we do however disagree about why. My view is that our disconnect is the direct result of my unhappiness with your behavior - towards me - about me - and with regard to your own self care.

If you don’t like the way I act when you are making an effort to keep me happy - you have a couple choices. You can be specific about what it is you want less of and more of in terms of my conduct. Or you can continue to say that I’m not connecting with you while refusing to explain why. In the latter case - I will shrug and do nothing different. Not because I’m indifferent to you, but because I refuse to chase shadows.

And fwiw I think the real issue is that you aren’t attracted to me, and simply with to avoid saying so as you wish to avoid a divorce.

Thank you. It is extremely validating to hear that others think the same as me!

With her having all these discussions about me without me, I begin to worry maybe she's right and there's something wrong with me. Maybe I'm being unreasonable in my expectations. Maybe I should unconditionally be kind and loving, even when she's pushing my buttons, and only then can I expect her to reciprocate.

So thanks for the re-assurance that I'm not completely crazy...

I have previously said to her, in the therapy sessions, exactly as you recommended. But when I ask her to be specific, she puts this down to an emotional vs logical thing: he's logical and can't understand emotions, so he needs specific examples. I'm emotional and don't work logically, and therefore I can't provide examples, and why should I have to when if he'd just get cured of his autism then he'd understand by himself. So asking her this just concretes the problem in her mind... I can't tell you how frustrating this is! Its like a crazy bottomless pit of quicksand, the more you struggle the deeper you go. And I have no idea how to get out of it without a divorce, yet we'd both really like to save the marriage. It would be a tragedy, just from the childrens point of view, for their parents to get divorced when no-one really knows why!

 

[MEM2020]

Her - lack of connection assertion combined with a flat refusal to provide examples - is a tactic.

In a healthy relationship - the person asserting a negative explains the foundation for that viewpoint.

And ummm - your analysis is flawless. To whit: You have strong positive emotional connections with kids/other family members and close friends. This means it isn’t you. Or more precisely it means that you are not on the spectrum. Introverts can have very good interpersonal skills.

Her connection issue with you is something she likely fears sharing. For instance - if I’m not attracted to someone - absent a gun to my head I wouldn’t say why. Because it will hurt them and it won’t change anything.

Her reasoning sort of goes like this: I tell him we aren’t connected - therefore I don’t want to have sex. And then I stonewall on why we aren’t connected without ever going near the high (maritally lethal) voltage lines related to sexual desire.

The goal is to create confusion while keeping your partner at a (physically) safe distance. It’s a strategy that often buys someone years if not decades. The weight gain might have been a tactic in the realm of sexual avoidance.

This isn’t fixable. Your options are simple: divorce or remain unhappy

You might also get a vasectomy and let her know that when your youngest leaves in 12 years, you will be divorcing her.

Thank you. It is extremely validating to hear that others think the same as me!

With her having all these discussions about me without me, I begin to worry maybe she's right and there's something wrong with me. Maybe I'm being unreasonable in my expectations. Maybe I should unconditionally be kind and loving, even when she's pushing my buttons, and only then can I expect her to reciprocate.

So thanks for the re-assurance that I'm not completely crazy...

I have previously said to her, in the therapy sessions, exactly as you recommended. But when I ask her to be specific, she puts this down to an emotional vs logical thing: he's logical and can't understand emotions, so he needs specific examples. I'm emotional and don't work logically, and therefore I can't provide examples, and why should I have to when if he'd just get cured of his autism then he'd understand by himself. So asking her this just concretes the problem in her mind... I can't tell you how frustrating this is! Its like a crazy bottomless pit of quicksand, the more you struggle the deeper you go. And I have no idea how to get out of it without a divorce, yet we'd both really like to save the marriage. It would be a tragedy, just from the childrens point of view, for their parents to get divorced when no-one really knows why!

 

[Young at Heart]

Dear georgieporgie;

Usually, no always, it takes two to destroy a marriage. Think about it.

When I was in a sex starved marriage, I thought I was married to a frigid ice-queen. She wasn't. We were so hurting each other. Finally, I realized what I was doing wrong and changed myself so my wife felt loved and cherished again. Ultimately she with the help of a sex therapist marriage counselor for the two of us caused her to change herself and we rebuilt our marriage.

May I suggest you read the book by MW Davis, The Sex Starved Marriage and Chapman's book the 5 languages of love. Then do some serious introspection on your contributions to your current problems.

 

[georgieporgie]

Dear georgieporgie;

Usually, no always, it takes two to destroy a marriage. Think about it.

When I was in a sex starved marriage, I thought I was married to a frigid ice-queen. She wasn't. We were so hurting each other. Finally, I realized what I was doing wrong and changed myself so my wife felt loved and cherished again. Ultimately she with the help of a sex therapist marriage counselor for the two of us caused her to change herself and we rebuilt our marriage.

May I suggest you read the book by MW Davis, The Sex Starved Marriage and Chapman's book the 5 languages of love. Then do some serious introspection on your contributions to your current problems.

You're absolutely right and I have been doing plenty of introspection, going to marriage therapist, reading marriage books (Men are from Mars, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, and others). Unfortunately it hasn't helped me understand in what way I'm contributing to the problem. Her inability to explain what I did wrong, to me or to the counsellor, (see all my other posts on this page) doesn't help. All she does is offer heavy psychological diagnoses which don't make much sense to me.

Can I clarify, there's a difference between "Contributing to the problem" and "able to manage the problem". I.e. I could train myself to take everything in my stride, and unconditionally love her and give to her, and conceivably that would make a difference in her attitude as well, given enough time. There's this herb called chaste tree which I believe monks used to take to reduce their desire, so if they did it so can I, and the marriage will survive. However the question is, given the circumstances is it reasonable to expect this of me? If it can't reasonably be expected then I don't think you can say I'm contributing, even though I may be able to prevent the problem.

So, do you think if she can't explain what the problem is, and the therapist doesn't know after hours of sessions, that there is a reasonable expectation that I should nonetheless work it out? And if so, how? Don't get me wrong, I'm very serious about sorting this out, I just don't know what to do! I really do think I'm very nice to her when she's in a normal mood and I can't divine what she wants more than that. LMK if you still think those books you suggested may have more than the ones I already read and may be helpful and I'll happily give them a try...

 

[georgieporgie]

You knew it from the start. You made the wrong choice. You already knew who she was.

Well it was an arranged marriage, so nothing happened before marriage, so I had no idea... If you're saying I shouldn't have agreed to an arranged marriage, that's because you (presumably) don't come from a culture where that's the norm. We met several times, and she looked nice at the time and is nice & kind, and I wanted to marry her on the basis of that. But I had no way of knowing about these other issues...

 

[Anastasia6]

Yes read the five languages of love.

Yes you have some very good points.

Yes you are probably contributing to the problem, and you can only change you.

Yes your wife is also contributing.

It is normal for children to talk to parents about their life. Even about their spouses.

Whether or not you figure out how to deal with your wife you should see a qualified professional about the possibility of being on the spectrum. If you are on the spectrum, often times close personal relationships are difficult. What may seem very close can actually be kinda distant.

Try a different marriage counselor if your wife doesn't like this one.

Intimacy is often effected by current marital issues. If she isn't feeling loved and cherished she isn't going to feel friendly. Rubbing a simple mistake in her face isn't helping your situation. Being unhappy can be a driver for overeating. Your wife should be talking to counselor herself. Yes in IC she will talk about her life and that includes you.

Simply divorcing will fix your wife problem. It won't necessarily fix intimacy issue. That's why I say get the spectrum checked. Know if you are telling the truth about not wanting to divorce, you two have an uphill battle. Getting her to air her issues is one. Though she seems to have clearly stated she doesn't feel you are connecting with her and you are emotionally distant.

Do you guys go on dates without the children? Do you spend at least 15 hours a week together? Do you spend time sharing about each other's day? What did you do on Valentine's Day? Her birthday? Your birthday?

 

[Keke24]

I'm in my early 30s, married 8 years with 2 kids in an arranged marriage. Wife was always uncomfortable with virtually all forms of intimacy, including even hugs etc, she wasn't at all keen on it if it involve more than holding hands. She would be OK with it sometimes as a favour to me and a sense of obligation, but nothing more.

What is her physical response to different forms of intimacy? What is her emotional response?

This bring us up to about 6 months ago. Since then once again she only kept her half of the bargain for a few months, although to be fair she did make a lot of progress on the intimacy front in that time and we were together 3x a week most weeks. About 2 months ago she got "burnt out" of the intimacy, which I got pretty fed up about after a couple weeks. After a few weeks like that she got back in the mood, but we'd only slept together once when I discover she's been talking about me to her Dad and to a psychologist who lives round the corner. I basically lost it a bit because I felt like I made it clear intimacy is something I need, you agreed to it, you got burnt out, I got fed up and then yes after about 2 weeks I started being cold to her and not my usual loving self. So why is it fair to complain about me being cold to your Dad, I'm sure leaving out anything from my point of view. And if our marriage counsellor isn't right for you, do you really need to choose the psychologist who I'm always bumping into, the worlds full of psychologists! Or to discuss it without me able to say anything. At the same time she had a minor surgical procedure at the top of her leg and needed me to change a dressing for her, she hadn't been dieting or exercising so I got quite freaked out at the sight. It was really off-putting (using restrained language) but I didn't say anything to her because I felt it would be un-gentlemanly (if that concept still exists).

What is the relevance of the bolded above?

Any thoughts? and thanks for reading!

OP, what was your wife's childhood like? What kind of relationship does her mother and father have? What does her relationship with them look like? With her siblings?

What is your wife's primary emotion? Does she get excited often/easily?

 

[arbitrator]

I would be forced to say that your W appears to be looking for any excuse whatsoever not to be intimate with you, her H! Why, God only knows!

Given that she wants you to be examined by their friend, the in-house psychologist, while acquiescing to her family, is a bad idea!

If you're, indeed, going to be examined, please choose a psychologist who is totally independent and has no potential built-in bias! Get some recommendations from friends and associates and go to that one!

Truth be told, I cannot help but believe that it is your W who needs the psychological evaluation much rather than you!