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Wife not happy

1517 Views 12 Replies 11 Participants Last post by  Cosmos
My wife has been unhappy for some time now and not active. It has been for most of our marriage. 7 years now. First it started with not working much and being home all the time. Not eating right and not working out also. Really not much interest in anything besides getting her nails done, shopping and watching TV. Now that we have a child. She is a great Mom. Cleans the house, does everything you would want for your child. I would like my wife to eat better and to exercise for all of the common reasons. I offer her free time every night where I take over all household duties. Instead she get fast food and lays in bed. I know her diet is effecting her ability to be happy and to show me some affection. If I bring it up she gets extremely upset and there is no room for communication. It is a direct attack as she views it. Also I am not really attracted to her anymore. I love her very much and it sounds shallow but I want the best for my wife and her to be happy. I know for a fact that her diet and lifestyle is making things worse for her and me. I can see how hard it is for her to stay sain throughout a whole day with our son. She does not have the strength both emotionally and physically to handle it for just 1 day now. Everyday she is upset and blames me for everything even when I have been at work all day and not around.
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Take her for a walk in the evening. Tell her you have a surprise, and you need to take her there, walking. Walk around the block and then make your way back home. When you are back, say...How do you feel now, after the walk? That invigoration is the surprising boost of energy. It's not an easy challenge you face.

Will she talk? I think there's more here to why she won't get active and moving. You have to take time and help her open up about why she won't get moving.
We go for walks but she ruins it by eating horrible foods. No nourishment in her diet. She even admits that she feels better after the walk. We even have time to communicate. I think it is something in her. She has a low self esteem. I appreciate the feedback. Should I just give up completely and pray that she gets it together. Don't get involved. She thinks when I ask to go for walk or eat a better dinner it is a direct attack at her diet and weight. I just want the best for her.
I would continue the walking thing, try to make it a habit for you. It's important to avoid making it feel like a direct attack, so in the beginning when she refuses or whatnot, go on the walk yourself anyways. Then just keep inviting her like it's a casual thing, you just want her company while you* go walking, and maybe she'll come around more easily.

I can understand her seeing it as a direct attack, sometimes it's just a sensitive issue. She has to make the conscious decision to change her life, otherwise nothign will really help. But seeing you work these things into your daily life, seeing you be more active, might help to motivate her. I was never active before meeting my husband, but he loves the gym and playing casual sports. Seeing him out and about so much, I felt like I had to ramp up my lifestyle, too. I'm still nowhere near where I should be, but I'm eating so much healthier, and just more conscious of what I should be doing (at least. :p)
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Has your wife been checked for Postpartum Depression?
The symptoms are similar to other forms of depression.
•Agitation or irritability
•Changes in appetite
•Feelings worthless or guilty
•Feeling withdrawn or unconnected
•Lack of pleasure or interest in most or all activities
•Loss of concentration
•Loss of energy
•Problems doing tasks at home or work
•Significant anxiety
•Thoughts of death or suicide
•Trouble sleeping
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You are absolutely right, those type of foods really make you feel tired, blah, and unmotivated. I can tell when I'm eating too much junk food(which is always from Halloween all the till Christmas.:/ If it's not in the house I have no temptation to eat it and this is just baked goods and a little chocolate. This year(as always) I'm trying not to eat the cookies we make or others bring over with our cookie exchange. I do think many of us women have a harder time with willpower of not eating chocolate/candy then men. My husband refuses to eat any junk.

Eating right and exercising truly makes a difference! Even if its exercising a few minutes a day. Eliminating sugar, fats, saturated fats, ect make a huge difference in the way we feel. I can only bike a few minutes a day now and it really helps my mood improve. I use to be a runner once I met my husband. I now use superfood supplements in my diet and I feel so much better.

Your wife can only change if she wants to. If she's refusing to take your advice and even denying walks with you, she's not going to budge. If you threaten her, she may try to exercise and eat healthy, but most likely it will not last in the long run.

You could try asking her to go to fun places that include a lot of walking like the zoo, hiking on trails, ect. I'm not sure if it would work though.

I started my healthy path(except when pregnant) when I met my husband. He's extremely athletic and runs marathons, triathlons and races in ironmans. He does all the shopping, so there isn't much junk in the house. We don't totally eliminate it because the kids need snacks for school. He didn't ask me to, but since he only eats healthy foods, I switched over myself. We now teach our children the importance of home cooked meals and fruit/veggies for snacks at home. My children have had fast food only a few times in their life unless its subway. They actually don't like it.

If your wife likes to cook ask her to make meals for you that are healthy. Tell her that you really would like them. Maybe that would motivate her to eat them as well. is one of my absolute favorite websites. It has very good recipes and there are people who make revisions in the comments to make it healthier or buy a good diet cookbook. has great ratings telling you which are the better cookbooks. I love making my husband happy and I do take his advice seriously.

When I was a teenager I worked at a fast food joint. I ate there daily, sometimes twice in a day if I worked a double shift. I absolutely loved the food. Once I quit eating it(I haven't had FF for over 12-13 year) I no longer can stand it. It smells gross too.

I really wish you luck. I understand your concerns and as we age eating healthy is so important to our health. It helps with cholesterol, diabetes, keeps a healthy heart, ect..
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My wife is the same. She loves her potato chips and soda and pretty much all free time is spent on the couch in front of the TV. I don't like it, but at the same time I'm not going to be her mother. She's a grown woman, and accepting of some of my bad habits too.
Your wife is depressed. She needs to see a professional.
Yes, it does sound like depression to me. Try to get her to see a professional for counseling along with continuing to encourage her to go on walks with you.

Maybe you can work on cooking a healthy meal for the two of you during the week when you give her 'free time' in the evening. That might be a start to helping her out of her rut.
I have tried to assist with the medial process of getting her help. She says she will do it and never does. I think my main shot at getting through this is to give up on trying to help. Stay out of it. Hope to god something will change. I just know my wife and she will never do anything that I give advice on she thinks I am attacking her. Marriage kind of sucks. Everything is getting ugly especially after our first child. I just think sometimes that no 2 people should actually be together for a long period of time. You end up getting on each others nerves. I see it other couples even my parents. your almost better when you have your own life and get to choose your own path? But this is the process of life. Get married and have kids. Deal with all of the issues even if your not happy but could be. My child is wonderful and healthy and need to fight through it for his sake.
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I had to sign up for this one. I am in the exact same situation. We have been together for 15 yrs and married for 8. My wife has really let herself go over the last 2 years. She dresses awful and eats horribly. It is really turning me off and she doesn't respond to my hints. So I understand completely what you are going through. I'll keep reading and see if any good suggestions come up.
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I have tried to assist with the medial process of getting her help. She says she will do it and never does.
When its' time, make the doctor's appointment yourself and take her. Tell her it's your job to help her when she needs that help.

But right now do not rush to get her on anti depressents. There are natural ways to fix this.

The walking is a very good start. Do it every day that she will go. Over time make the walks longer.

Do not complain about the junk food as this will make her defensive right now. Do make sure that there is healthy food in your home.

Can your really afford all the junk food she's buying? It's expensive. Working on how money is spent might be a better way to handle this.

It just sounds like she's not happy. Does she work outside the home? Maybe she needs to get a job. What interests does she hvae outside the home? What friends?

How often do the two of you go out and do things?
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OP, it sounds as though your W is bored, depressed and has developed low self-esteem. The comfort eating and lying around just exacerbates things for her and it becomes a vicious circle. When you try talking to her about this, she becomes defensive because, possibly, eating and lying around watching TV has become her method of self-soothing.

I agree with Ellegirl in that you need to encourage your W to see her doctor with a view to getting counseling. IME anti-depressants are best avoided if possible because, like Ellegirl said, there are lots of natural remedies out there, and anti-depressants are renowned for causing people gain weight and developing a low libido.
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