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I've been married for 6 years and we've never had what I would consider a good sex life. I would consider a good sex life, having sex twice a week with her showing an equal (or close to equal) interest. Instead we usually have sex once every 3 weeks (sometimes less, we've gone 6 weeks without sex). By the time it's been that long she usually starts saying something like, "I know you need it so we'll do it soon." It's basically a chore for her that she puts off for as long as possible. When we do have sex it's always the same way. She refuses to do anything that requires effort on her part so it's always in our bedroom, in the bed, me on top. If it takes more than 5 minutes she gets mad and says I'm trying to not "finish" to make it last longer. It's gotten really depressing. I feel like I biologically need it, but it's not enjoyable and it makes me feel bad every time.

She works more hours than I do (sometimes 60+, compared to my 40), but she says up really late. I usually go to bed between 10 and 11. She stays up until 1 or 2, sometimes later. I've told her before that I feel lonely. We don't see each other all day, then I go to bed by myself.

About two weeks ago I saw a Groupon for a trip to Jamaica. I was going to put it on her phone and then tell her we should go. When I went on her phone there was a ton of porn videos that she'd been watching that week. She says that's the first time she's done that in years. I guess I believe her, but it was still really hurtful. Anytime I make a suggestion that has something to do with sex she acts like I'm the most crude person on the planet. And I'm not making out of the ordinary suggestions. This would be a suggestion like, her on top, oral, sex in the morning, etc. One time I had read that couples watching soft porn together can improve or spice up their sex life, so I suggested it. She acted like that was completely disgusting. So when I saw on her phone that she'd been watching extremely graphic, very hard-core porn at night while I was asleep it really hurt.

I confronted her and at first she denied even watching it, even though it was right there on her phone. Then she said she was just curious that one night. When I told her the history showed that she'd been watching it the past few nights she said it was just because she's been off of her birth control and that makes her think about sex more. I said, "But I'm laying upstairs, lonely, wishing I could have sex with you. If you were in the mood I would have thought your husband would be the first option, not porn." She said she didn't think waking me up to have sex was an option. That hurt. To think that porn would come to mind as an option over me really hurts, especially since our sex life has been so bad.

After all of this happened I wrote down everything I was feeling. I told her how unhappy I was because of our sex life. I told her I feel selfish, but as a man I "need" to have a sex life and as her husband it really makes me depressed feeling like she has no interest in me. We talked about it and she said she feels like she should be the one getting mad because I'm making such a big deal about it. I told her if we had a healthy sex life I wouldn't mind her looking at porn at all, it might even be a turn on. But in our situation, when she seems to be picking porn over me, I told her it was almost like cheating. She laughed when I said that. I told her that she has a husband who practically begs her for sex, however and whenever she'll have it, and instead she's watching some guy online having sex.

We've talked a lot since then. I told her I had been so unhappy with our sex life that it is affecting everything else and I didn't feel like I was being fair to myself to stay around being unhappy and feeling unloved (in the bedroom at least). Everything outside of our sex life is great. We get along really well. But the lack of sex, and now this, are making it really difficult. Since all this happened about a week and a half ago we haven't had sex. We even went on a date Thursday night, but when we came home she just went downstairs to read her book. Then again last night we went on a date, but again, when we came home she went down stairs and read her book until around 1 a.m. She reads on a Kindle, and I've been thinking about getting a Kindle. So this morning I looked at hers to see if I think I'd like it. The page she was one when she stopped reading last night was more graphic than anything I've ever seen. It was some guy in the kitchen, kissing this girl, then "pressing his erection deep in her." I couldn't believe it. It actually made me sick to think about. She has probably over 100 of these books, but I didn't realize what they were. I knew they were "Romance Novels" but I didn't realize they were written graphic porn. Now I know that even if she did only watch videos those two days, she's reading porn every night.

Am I wrong to be hurt by this? Is it wrong for her to, even after all we've been through the past few weeks, still be reading this when she knows how much that hurts me? I just don't know what to do.
 

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Yep like Pbear said she has lots of interest in sex just zero sexual interest in you. She doesn't find the sex acts you talk about doing disgusting, she finds any sexual act with you disgusting.

I'm guessing she doesn't respect you as a person either due to her responses to your concerns. She wants sex with a man and she doesn't see you as one.

Sad but most likely true. I'm sorry you're here in this mess but the only thing you can do to make things better is to work on how she views you as a person. I'd suggest reading up on some of the books suggested on this forum pertaining to manning up.
 

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Sorry for the initial short response... Was in the drive through getting coffee... :)

What was your sex life like earlier in your relationship? Was it ever good?

C
 

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I am sorry your are hurting . Don't take this the wrong way but I think she is bored. What you need to do is get dress up very nice. When was the last time you changed your haircut? Do you have a pair of sexy jeans and some nice boots? Here is what you start doing . You stop asking for sex from her. You go get a few new clothes. Then you (not you with her) start going out at night all dressed up hot and sexy. Before you think wrong , you just go to walmart or a movie (your not cheating). You got to make her think and miss you sometimes. You need to change it up sometimes. If she ask you where you are going, you just say out honey for a few mins. What you are doing is working on yourself. JMO you should join a gym to tone up . IMHO you start working on you more and stop begging for sex from W.
 

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You have no kids and she is obsessed with porn & graphic novels and you come here sounding like a pathetic wimp. Of course if it was a woman writing that her husband is downstairs while she waits in bed watching porn the outrage would be palpable.

Instead as a man I will say it, "you sound whimpering and pathetic"..... Sorry grow a pair and leave.......

I'm sure mem11363 will be by soon to give you the blueprint, but simply it is this..... Go out with friends, go to the gym, grow some muscles, don't say anything, be gruff, abrupt with her, do not do anything special or compliment her and generally ignore her.:p:D;)
 

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i went through the same thing as you with my ex !!!! LEAVE NOW it will not get better she doesn't want you and never will.your wasting your time
 

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I know I'd be very hurt if my H watched porn but rejected me.

No-one gets married to live a sexless life.

I would say 'up your game'. Invest some time in yourself....be someone she would want to date and would be attracted too, get fit, buy some new 'nice' clothes, be interested in her and be interesting to talk to.

Suggest MC to her and see how keen she is to fix things.

If you've done all this.. personally I'd be moving on.
Sex and affection and passion are too important to me.
 

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It seems like the roles are reversed a bit here. She watches porn and you feel hurt by it.

It's obvious she doesn't like sex with you. Either she's not attracted to you or you are bad at sex. I'd work on your looks, try to improve on your sex techniques, and try manning up a bit. Assume a more alpha role in your relationship or else she will continue to walk all over you.
 

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Discussion Starter #12 (Edited)
Thanks, I just ordered that book on Amazon based on your recommendation.

Lately I've been hit on more, as a result of dropping about 30 lbs and working out pretty hard for about the past year. Hasn't changed anything at home though.
 

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Thanks, I just ordered that book on Amazon based on your recommendation.

Lately I've been hit on more, as a result of dropping about 30 lbs and working out pretty hard for about the past year. Hasn't changed anything at home though.
I am glad you are working on yourself. Just start living your life without your wife. It sounds like she has checked out of the marriage . Your W sees you as a paycheck and just a roommate.
 

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Pbear, mrsoldnews, and justbidingtime have said everything that needs to be said. Read your own post over and over....sounds like a woman complaining about her husband!

The way she is treating you is not justifiable but you aren't helping your own cause with the way you are acting....reach between your legs, untuck your nut sack and get back in touch with your dignity.
 

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she said it was just because she's been off of her birth control and that makes her think about sex more. I said, "But I'm laying upstairs, lonely, wishing I could have sex with you. If you were in the mood I would have thought your husband would be the first option, not porn." She said she didn't think waking me up to have sex was an option. .
OP, do you have any particular problem with porn?
If you don't have any problem , then maybe you could have a look at some of her porn with her,or read the sex novel with her on her kindle.

Obviously, you wife loves sex, so what you need to do is take the lead.

"... It was some guy in the kitchen, kissing this girl, then "pressing his erection deep in her." I couldn't believe it. It actually made me sick to think about...."
^^^^^^^^
This is what she likes , nothing there to fel " sick " about.
You have been able to peep inside her mind and see what fascinates her and turns her on.
So, that is what you have to do. I do it to my wife and she loves it so I suppose women like that kind of stuff.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and be aggressive.

If that still does not work,
Then apply the 180.
 

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Thanks, I just ordered that book on Amazon based on your recommendation.
That's the best $10 you'll ever spend. DO NOT let your wife see you reading it. That stuff is just for you to know and her to experience. She doesn't need to know where it came from.

Lately I've been hit on more, as a result of dropping about 30 lbs and working out pretty hard for about the past year. Hasn't changed anything at home though.
See, you're already taking some of the right steps intuitively. Aside from that, most of what I'm going to recommend is counterintuitive.

As far as your workout goes, it's time to muscle up. You need to get your waist, measured just underneath the ribcage, not at the navel or below the gut, but right under the ribs. That needs to be no bigger than 32" while your chest needs to be ≥45". This gives the you the "golden ratio" between chest and waist that subconsciously triggers the female limbic attraction circuit. You need to focus on heavy compounds like squat, leg press, deadlift, overhead press, chest press (I prefer decline), pullovers and pulldowns, row, chins, dips, etc. Make sure you're getting 9 hours a night when trying to build muscle.

I've been married for 6 years and we've never had what I would consider a good sex life. I would consider a good sex life, having sex twice a week with her showing an equal (or close to equal) interest.
You have very low expectations.

Instead we usually have sex once every 3 weeks (sometimes less, we've gone 6 weeks without sex). By the time it's been that long she usually starts saying something like, "I know you need it so we'll do it soon." It's basically a chore for her that she puts off for as long as possible. When we do have sex it's always the same way. She refuses to do anything that requires effort on her part so it's always in our bedroom, in the bed, me on top. If it takes more than 5 minutes she gets mad and says I'm trying to not "finish" to make it last longer.
Zero attraction to you. You've already started changing this physically, but you also have to upend her world a little bit by changing your behaviors. At least there is no doubt about what her attraction level is. The theory, which I believe, is that the vast majority of women, no matter what their own "sex rank" may be, are truly sexually attracted to only that top 10% or so of men.


She works more hours than I do (sometimes 60+, compared to my 40), but she says up really late. I usually go to bed between 10 and 11. She stays up until 1 or 2, sometimes later. I've told her before that I feel lonely. We don't see each other all day, then I go to bed by myself.
Who makes more, you or her? Who controls the finances?

About two weeks ago I saw a Groupon for a trip to Jamaica. I was going to put it on her phone and then tell her we should go.
Normally, you should just ask her when she can get off work (without explanations to her) and then book it yourself. That would be a leader behavior. It worked out this time, but generally you should just take the lead on this stuff.

When I went on her phone there was a ton of porn videos that she'd been watching that week. She says that's the first time she's done that in years. I guess I believe her,
I don't, but it doesn't really matter; it's what she's into at the moment. She's either rubbing herself raw or trying to decide what her next adventure is going to be. Does she ever do a GNO, travel for work, or work long hours (oops). Put a GPS on her car and put cell phone spy on her phone. Velcro a VAR to the bottom of her car's driver's seat. Keylog her computer. Maybe some of the 60 hours a week is play time and not work time. This is especially likely to be the case if your wife is the higher earner, but whether or not that is even the case, you need to find out if she's acting out her porn fantasies. What kind of porn is she into?

Anytime I make a suggestion that has something to do with sex she acts like I'm the most crude person on the planet. And I'm not making out of the ordinary suggestions. This would be a suggestion like, her on top, oral, sex in the morning, etc. One time I had read that couples watching soft porn together can improve or spice up their sex life, so I suggested it. She acted like that was completely disgusting.
All this is an act to keep you in the dark about her true sexual needs/attitudes. What did she tell you her sexual history was? A virgin who broke her hymen in while horseback riding? My guess is that she's got an extensive history or she's getting worked up to add one to her resume.Does your wife attend church?

This prudish act she puts on is to provide a bogus explanation for why you get no sex. Your wife has a secret life and this is possibly the tip of the ice berg. Then again, this may be the totality of it. You have to keep cool, act disinterested and aloof, and investigate like mad to find out what makes her tick.

So when I saw on her phone that she'd been watching extremely graphic, very hard-core porn at night while I was asleep it really hurt.
What kind of porn? Were you able to decypher her kinks? That would be a gold mine of information for a husband to know.

I confronted her and at first she denied even watching it, even though it was right there on her phone. Then she said she was just curious that one night. When I told her the history showed that she'd been watching it the past few nights she said it was just because she's been off of her birth control and that makes her think about sex more. I said, "But I'm laying upstairs, lonely, wishing I could have sex with you. If you were in the mood I would have thought your husband would be the first option, not porn." She said she didn't think waking me up to have sex was an option. That hurt. To think that porn would come to mind as an option over me really hurts, especially since our sex life has been so bad.
For the time being, quit talking "relationship" with her. That includes asking for sex. It's a huge turnoff, despite what you have been indoctrinated to believe.

After all of this happened I wrote down everything I was feeling. I told her how unhappy I was because of our sex life. I told her I feel selfish, but as a man I "need" to have a sex life and as her husband it really makes me depressed feeling like she has no interest in me.
That is a huge mistake, but you didn't know any better. Don't do stuff like that again. It's an enormous turn off for women.

We talked about it and she said she feels like she should be the one getting mad because I'm making such a big deal about it.
See what I mean? Quit talking about it. For now stay nice and friendly like the live-in best friend you are when it comes to interacting with her, but no more relationship/sex talk.

I told her if we had a healthy sex life I wouldn't mind her looking at porn at all, it might even be a turn on. But in our situation, when she seems to be picking porn over me, I told her it was almost like cheating. She laughed when I said that.
Totally predictable. She knows a man is responsible for his sexual satisfaction. Loads of contempt she has for you.

I told her that she has a husband who practically begs her for sex, however and whenever she'll have it, and instead she's watching some guy online having sex.
This is because she's ranking you a Gamma or Omega Male. You're probably a Delta, which is the average married chump, or in between the two. You need to continue upping your rank, but upgrading your wardrobe, your ride, and adopting an alpha/sigma stance toward women, starting with your wife. Take a guess at what that response would be.

We've talked a lot since then. I told her I had been so unhappy with our sex life that it is affecting everything else and I didn't feel like I was being fair to myself to stay around being unhappy and feeling unloved (in the bedroom at least). Everything outside of our sex life is great. We get along really well. But the lack of sex, and now this, are making it really difficult. Since all this happened about a week and a half ago we haven't had sex. We even went on a date Thursday night, but when we came home she just went downstairs to read her book. Then again last night we went on a date, but again, when we came home she went down stairs and read her book until around 1 a.m.
Like I said, zero attraction. She's got you around for some reason, but it ain't the sex. Do you do most of the cooking, cleaning, housework and the general upkeep around the house while your wife "works" long hours? Stop it. Quit doing her laundry. Start going out wearing your new clothes. And get a completely different haircut from what you've got now.

She reads on a Kindle, and I've been thinking about getting a Kindle. So this morning I looked at hers to see if I think I'd like it. The page she was one when she stopped reading last night was more graphic than anything I've ever seen. It was some guy in the kitchen, kissing this girl, then "pressing his erection deep in her." I couldn't believe it. It actually made me sick to think about. She has probably over 100 of these books, but I didn't realize what they were. I knew they were "Romance Novels" but I didn't realize they were written graphic porn. Now I know that even if she did only watch videos those two days, she's reading porn every night.

Am I wrong to be hurt by this? Is it wrong for her to, even after all we've been through the past few weeks, still be reading this when she knows how much that hurts me? I just don't know what to do.
See comments above. Recap: Go James Bond on the wife and start looking into her real "60 hour" activities. Continue your working out, but switch emphasis to big chest, small waist 1.4:1 ratio. Update your look to a guy 10 years younger and 50% higher paid. Buy a couple of new suits to wear out at night and start going out without any explanation. If you don't have a sporty ride, trade in your blahmobile and get a Challenger or a Z4, etc. Start acting like a guy on the make for other women. Don't actually do that, just project it. I guarantee this will get results, unless your wife has gotten to the point where she feels ZERO affection for you. You need to act like how an alpha/sigma would if he were cut off, which is to merely go over to the next woman eagerly waiting in line for his attention. Don't actually act on that, but start making the moves that project that attitude.
 

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She's very interested in sex, obviously given the amount if time and energy she is putting into it.

Are you sure she's at work all those 6O hours? Is she going out on girls nights out? I'm not saying she cheating, but if she's into sex, but not with you, I'm thinking its only a matter of time until she seeks out someone to scratch her itch.

You need to read MMSL and you need to get ahead her on this game. Make sure she isn't going out without you, and that she isn't being chased at work. See it as both offense and defense.

Her idea that its ok to watch porn by herself, but with you it's wrong is very disturbing, as is her response to cut you off even more.

Something smells very bad here.
 
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