[Sotiredofmarriage]

this is something i have been struggling with for the last year. we live about 10 minutes from my in laws literally all (bro and sisters and parents) we see them all the time. they always having something on that is supposedly a reason for us to go there... which isnt in itself a problem... however when i want to visit my parents it becomes a problem with my wife. she always looks for reasons not to go never valid ones. and i had enough and decided im not going this coming weekend to a confirmation ceremony because i havent seen my folks in weeks... now suddenly its a problem... please help.. i really love my wife but this is becoming too much and im starting to think its never going to get any better and i cant see myself married if it continues...

 

[Hicks]

Why don't you ask her directly..

Wife, we always see your family. But when it comes time to see my family it seems to me that you avoid it. Can you tell me why?

 

[Starstarfish]

What is the relationship like between your parents and your wife?
Do they welcome her, do they treat her as part of the family? What's your family dynamic?

Secondly, how often are you used to seeing your parents? Did you used to visit your parents often? Have you always lived so close to her parents?

 

[Sotiredofmarriage]

@Hicks i have spoken to her but as usual it becomes a fight and i just keep quiet because i hate arguing.

@starstarfish we are married for 2 years. we've stayed this close since we married. and my parents always welcome her. my Dad hugs and kisses her everytime they see her. something her own father doesnt do. when we do go to my parents she sits quietly and plays with her phone...

 

[827Aug]

I finally got to that point myself. My in-laws were always fighting. Holidays were absolutely the worst! The fights usually evolved around stupid things. The worst fight was over how to cook a "Tur-Duckling". Anyway, dinner was always delayed a minimum of three hours. In addition to that, I always felt that I wasn't "fancy" enough for them. Visits could be awkward because I didn't have much in common with the female relatives. My ex MIL still thinks I'm an inept mother for two girls. I'm a little too practical!

The point is, there has to be a reason why your wife doesn't want to visit them. Try to figure it out.

 

[Mavash.]

Keeping quiet never works and obviously talking isn't helping either so you're going to have to speak with action. First off stop going to visit her family. Just stop. Make up the same type of excuses she gives you. If she gets mad so what? You're already saying it could end your marriage so what do you have to lose? Secondly start visiting your family as much as she visits hers.

Your needs matter too.

And its not fair that she won't communicate exactly why she doesn't want to visit your family. My guess is she just thinks her family is more important than yours.

 

[Sotiredofmarriage]

@827Aug im done trying to figure it out. @mavash has a point in her thinking her family is more important.
im an easy going peoples person i can make conversation with anyone hence me not having a problem with her fam (even though they can stab each other in the back) but i expect the same from her going to my folks... my family is down to earth and always welcome us warmly... her family never even wished us on our anniversary which for people we always around shouldhave come easy.

 

[A Bit Much]

@827Aug im done trying to figure it out. @mavash has a point in her thinking her family is more important.
im an easy going peoples person i can make conversation with anyone hence me not having a problem with her fam (even though they can stab each other in the back) but i expect the same from her going to my folks... my family is down to earth and always welcome us warmly... her family never even wished us on our anniversary which for people we always around shouldhave come easy.

I don't see how asking a simple question like Hicks suggested has to turn into a knock down drag out. What is her answer for not going? This is the part BEFORE the voices get raised. What has she said?

 

[Sotiredofmarriage]

oh yes... this is the part where the "if you have a problem with my family just say so comes out" and the "go to your fam and i'll go to mine".
the latest excuse for all of this, she is using the passing of her sister, saying she wants to be there for her mother... which i could understand but we married 2 years and its always been the case... if i say do you have a prob with my fam, we argue. if i say why wont you come with me, she says "..." infact i get no real reason just a refusal and i have to answer as to why she never came with

 

[Sotiredofmarriage]

sadly... this coupled with another important issue im not going to mention is leading me to thinking of having affairs or casual relationships... i dont wanna be a stat, i'd sooner iron out the wrinkles before doing anything stupid but its getting to me.

 

[A Bit Much]

oh yes... this is the part where the "if you have a problem with my family just say so comes out" and the "go to your fam and i'll go to mine".
the latest excuse for all of this, she is using the passing of her sister, saying she wants to be there for her mother... which i could understand but we married 2 years and its always been the case... if i say do you have a prob with my fam, we argue. if i say why wont you come with me, she says "..." infact i get no real reason just a refusal and i have to answer as to why she never came with

No reason? And you go along with her program like this with her family? How about everything else in your relationship? She running it all or what?

You're causing your own misery by always falling into her line of thinking and obviously that isn't working for you. Rather than whine or pout about how things have been, change it up. There's a disconnect between you asking her a simple question "Why don't you like going to my family's house for anything" and you need to figure out what that is. Refusal to answer shouldn't be ok with you.

 

[A Bit Much]

sadly... this coupled with another important issue im not going to mention is leading me to thinking of having affairs or casual relationships... i dont wanna be a stat, i'd sooner iron out the wrinkles before doing anything stupid but its getting to me.

I kinda figured the rabbit hole went a bit deeper.

You two need marriage counseling.

 

[norajane]

Tell her you want to be there for your family, too. Your parents aren't going to live forever, either. And that you expect her to have enough compassion and respect for YOU to go when you visit your family.

Do you have children? Stand up for yourself before you do. Otherwise, your parents will hardly ever see their grandkids.

Don't let her walk all over you or it will become the norm in your relationship.

 

[norajane]

sadly... this coupled with another important issue im not going to mention is leading me to thinking of having affairs or casual relationships... i dont wanna be a stat, i'd sooner iron out the wrinkles before doing anything stupid but its getting to me.

That sounds like you're not having much sex. Dude, you're 2 years into a marriage. If it's not working, you have to do something...marriage counseling, separation, or divorce, something. Don't just let things fester and build resentment until you destroy each other.

Cheating just makes a bad marriage worse.

 

[827Aug]

Cheating isn't going to help. It will only complicate your life further.

BTW, I think it is very rude for her to spend family visits playing with her phone. She should at least try to participate in family conversations (and leave the phone in her purse). She's disconnecting from your family. We are all wondering why.

 

[VermisciousKnid]

If your family isn't offensive or mean to her then there's no good reason for her not to go with you to visit them. Most spouses will visit their in-laws occasionally even if they don't like them, because the ramifications of cutting off one side of the family can be pretty severe. It's a relationship that you shouldn't sever unless there's a good reason. That said, If I were you I'd just stop visiting her family to see if it leads to any insights on her part. If she asks why, say that since in-law visits are clearly optional you have better things to do.

As for the texting during a visit, that's either bad manners or social ineptitude. An adult should be able to make small talk with other adults. It's a social skill that comes in handy in all kinds of situations.

 

[agreenbough]

Maybe she doesn't like your dad hugging and kissing her - if my father-in-law kissed me I'd be seriously creeped out. I'm not a hugger, either.

 

[bobbyorr]

I am in a similar place but my wife even gets mad if I want to visit my father! My mom died 13 years ago and we live literally 2/10 of a mile from her sister and mom and dad! Mine is 1000 miles away! I don't think i can stay married anymore either! She has everything I could ever want, time with her parents and siblings, able to watch her niece grow up, her family is the favorite with my children and most loved simply because of virtue of living closer and seeing them more! I can't understand her selfishness! Life is getting shorter as I and my father get older and will not waste any more time of it with an uncaring woman! She can't fathom how this is so unfair and even more uncaring!