[imthatguy]

hey folks, first post here. Thanks for reading and for your advice and insight.

i am in a sort of dilemma. my wife never turns me down for sex. sounds awesome i bet... but the appeal is starting to wear off for me now

background info: wife 27 and i'm 28. dated for about a year and half before marrying and have been married a little more than two years. i'm asian and my wife is african american

back to my problem.... my wife never says no to me sexually. If i initiate sex 10 times a week, i could have it 10 times a week in whatever place or position i choose. Any attempt to start something sexual is taken as i sign that i want some and my wife will i ask if i"d like some play time. The issue is that i am starting to feel like she now believes it is her wifely duty to give me sex whenever i want. And while that was great for the first year, i am really starting not to like it. It seems like she feels sex is now for me, whether she is personally in the mood or not. she engages in it cheerfully (will moan, grind on me, give oral if ask) but only orgasms maybe 30 or 40 percent of the time that i initiate. It's 100 percent when she initiates. She has to rub her clitoris in order orgasm and it seems like she doesn't have any desire to do that alot of the time that I initiate when she isn't personally in the mood. If i say she should rub it, she'll just say she doesn't want to. If i try to rub it for her, she still doesn't orgasm.

Back when we were dating, i would try to initiate about 4 times a week, she would turn me down twice a week so we would have sex about twice a week with her orgasming every single time by rubbing her clitoris. Now we have sex about 5 or 6 times a week with her orgasming once or twice (sometimes i actually think she is faking it but i am not sure).

a couple of months ago i got into this mood where i just wanted it all the time, a couple of times day. early in the morning and after work. wife was always game but she rarely orgamsed. and she was always against morning sex when were dating, i don't think we ever had it then.

I just don't want her to believe it's her duty now to provide me with sex whether she personally wants it or not at the moment. How do i go about rectifying this situation? My wife is a very sensitive, caring person and i fear coming at her the wrong will either shut her down completely sexually or she'll start faking it just to appease me.

 

[CuddleBug]

Hold back your sex drive to 2 - 3 times a week and make it more for her.........not all the time and for you. Ask her what she likes and do it.

Most guys would agree, you have a perfect wife there!!!

 

[Cosmos]

OP, perhaps she just likes sex with you! Many women don't have to orgasm every time they have sex in order to feel fulfilled... If you don't want sex quite so often, initiate slightly less.

 

[imthatguy]

Well I know what she likes as far as sex goes, having her nipples rubbed mostly. She is ok with receiving oral but says a direct tongue can be too much pressure for her at times. I don't think I am the best oral sex giver in the world to be honest, past girfriends have often had to teach me and I aparently still couldn't do it right even then? So that has made me kinda shy about giving oral. If I finger her, she won't orgasm unless she rubs her clitoris while I go finger her inside.
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[imthatguy]

OP, perhaps she just likes sex with you! Many women don't have to orgasm every time they have sex in order to feel fulfilled... If you don't want sex quite so often, initiate slightly less.

OP, perhaps she just likes sex with you! Many women don't have to orgasm every time they have sex in order to feel fulfilled... If you don't want sex quite so often, initiate slightly less.

I believe she does like sex with me, but I think now she feels like it is her duty to provide it and that is where my issue is coming from. When we were dating, she was a couple a times a week in the evening or afternoon kind of girl and would orgasm every single time and rub her clitoris and ask me to suck her nipples. Now she only specifcally asks me to suck her nipples when she initiates. Of course I suck them even when I initiate but she doesn't rub her clitoris at the same time so she can orgasm. Her having an orgasm is a big part of the experince for me, makes me feel good and really is a need for me. I could never date or love a woman that was unable to orgasm. It's actually that important to me, I feel like her orgasm fulfills something inside of me. But her only orgasming a handful of times a month when we're having sex up to 20 times a month just oesnt feel right.
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[Cosmos]

Talk to her about it, OP. Only she can answer your questions.

 

[sandc]

My wife doesn't orgasm every time and doesn't want to. She likes the build up. She has sex with me because she likes it, not because it's her duty.

So are you feeling unloved because your wife does not turn you down? Have you ever thought that maybe she just loves you THAT much? Talk to her.

 

[SimplyAmorous]

I think your wife sounds like a fabulous woman, my Lord, how many would do this when they aren't getting off... believe me... you are one lucky man, she doesn't sound like she is offering you pity sex at all.

Because men have up to 10-50 times more Testosterone in their bodies causing more of that raging urge for release & pleasure (this is our LUST hormone), your wife is just not "feeling that" as often as you are, and she likely won't.... but this by no means = she doesn't want to be there with you... maybe she just craves the emotional connection and loves pleasing YOU.

Your Pleasure = her pleasure.

Sensitive people often care about pleasing their partners, they are the more unselfish types... Again, you are very blessed. I would agree with Cuddle Bug...if this bothers you that much... have a little less sex ...then she will always "get off" with you !

And by all means, talk to her about it, share your feelings...that you love that she is there for you so willingly...but you want her to have the ultimate experience as well... see how she feels.

 

[imthatguy]

Talk to her about it, OP. Only she can answer your questions.

I have talked to her about it sort of. I asked her if she felt like it was her job to give me sex and she said yes. I told her that I didn't agree and she just asked me whose job it was then? I really could argue with that and just kind of let it go. That conversation was probably a couple of weeks ago. Sometimes I'm not even trying to have sex but am just rubbing her body because I like to and then she'll ask if want to have sex. Of course I never decline it.
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[Catherine602]

It might be best to decrease frequency to a number that she orgasms. That seems to indicate that she desires sex less frequently.

Read up on female sexuality. Get books on giving oral sex and tell her you want to learn how to give her an orgasm orally. You have to work at it, it takes time and practice.

Try different methods of oral sex until you lern her body. All women are different and you need to find out how she works.

Having sex that is mutually enjoyable every time is really important. Take the lead and tell her that is what marrital sex will be like for you two.

I think she is going to burn out fast if you are not proactive.

Tell her what you are doing and why.

 

[imthatguy]

I think your wife sounds like a fabulous woman, my Lord, how many would do this when they aren't getting off... believe me... you are one lucky man, she doesn't sound like she is offering you pity sex at all.

Because men have up to 10-50 times more Testosterone in their bodies causing more of that raging urge for release & pleasure (this is our LUST hormone), your wife is just not "feeling that" as often as you are, and she likely won't.... but this by no means = she doesn't want to be there with you... maybe she just craves the emotional connection and loves pleasing YOU.

Your Pleasure = her pleasure.

Sensitive people often care about pleasing their partners, they are the more unselfish types... Again, you are very blessed. I would agree with Cuddle Bug...if this bothers you that much... have a little less sex ...then she will always "get off" with you !

And by all means, talk to her about it, share your feelings...that you love that she is there for you so willingly...but you want her to have the ultimate experience as well... see how she feels.

I think I am lucky too sometimes. But it is a strange feeling to feel like your wife believes she HAS to have sex with you, like it's for me but not for her. And it's such a change from how we were when we dated. I got tured down all the time then lol, of course I hated it but now I sort of feel like I want that back. It seems like back then she was in charge of her sexuality, she did it for hersef because she personally wanted and needed it. She made sure she orgasmed, would rub her clitoris, pull out her vibrator, make me suck her nipples all so she could orgasm too. Now it seems like I am in charge of her sexuality... and to be honest I don't want to be. If she didn't want sex, we didn't have it and when we did have it she would move heaven and earth to make sure she orgasmed. Now I feel like she could take it or leave it as far as her orgasms go.
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[imthatguy]

It might be best to decrease frequency to a number that she orgasms. That seems to indicate that she desires sex less frequently.

Read up on female sexuality. Get books on giving oral sex and tell her you want to learn how to give her an orgasm orally. You have to work at it, it takes time and practice.

Try different methods of oral sex until you lern her body. All women are different and you need to find out how she works.

Having sex that is mutually enjoyable every time is really important. Take the lead and tell her that is what marrital sex will be like for you two.

I think she is going to burn out fast if you are not proactive.

Tell her what you are doing and why.

I have tried to learn how to give her oral and it seems like she really doesn't like the direct tongue on her clitoris very much, she says it makes her uncomfortable. But the only way she can orgasm is with some clitoral stimulation so it's kind of weird I think. I want it to be mutually enjoyable every time too, I want it to be back to her doing whatever is neccesary to orgasm. But now she has it in her head that it's her wifely duty to give me sex, even if she'd rather watch tv.
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[KanDo]

How selfish can you be! She willingly and lovingly gives you the physical intimacy you desire and it isn't good enough for you because YOU have decided she needs to orgasm everytime you want to have sex! You are a piece of work!

Good luck to you brother. Jeezzzzz

 

[SimplyAmorous]

I think I am lucky too sometimes. But it is a strange feeling to feel like your wife believes she HAS to have sex with you, like it's for me but not for her. And it's such a change from how we were when we dated. I got tured down all the time then lol, of course I hated it but now I sort of feel like I want that back.

Well then by all means, tell her you want her to be more selfish & refuse you when she isn't up for the big bang. Tell her to be more forthcoming & complain all you want is sex sex sex... like many wives do their husbands.

My husband is like your wife, he is one of those really wonderful nice Men who would give me the world.. When My sex drive was higher than His ...there were times I questioned his desire...though I can't say I ever felt like HE FELT IT WAS A DUTY... he always made me feel it was more of a Privilege... and on occasion - sometimes he didn't get "his".

Can I ask you this..... do you feel she is making it come off as a DUTY...or is this more in your head simply because YOU WANT her to get hers - so badly. You want every session to be with WILD passion.

And I also wonder why the change...your story is utterly backwards to most... they get all the free happening giving sex desirous "I can't get enough of you" sex BEFORE walking down the aisle....then suddenly.... the wife starts pushing away. And he feels like a bait & switch has taken place.

So I wonder what happened there....To make her never turn you down NOW....a conversation, an action on your part, a little too close with another woman?? something she has taken as a threat and now she feels she must perform on demand, be this dutiful wife ?

It seems like back then she was in charge of her sexuality, she did it for hersef because she personally wanted and needed it. She made sure she orgasmed, would rub her clitoris, pull out her vibrator, make me suck her nipples all so she could orgasm too.

And she still WILL do this, she simply doesn't NEED it as much as you.... she likely feels "pressured" ...but she doesn't want to say this...because she wants to make you happy.

If you have made an issue out of this....and she knows she won't be able to get off again... she just offers her body to you, again, she is doing her best.

Now it seems like I am in charge of her sexuality... and to be honest I don't want to be. If she didn't want sex, we didn't have it and when we did have it she would move heaven and earth to make sure she orgasmed. Now I feel like she could take it or leave it as far as her orgasms go.

Ok, what I am reading here is ... She is NOW lacking the passion you desire --you want her to be more selfish in Sex... again... when you eat chocolate every day, it kinda makes you not crave it as much.

If I was you... I'd tone down the sex (take care of yourself more so as you did in the past)... let her come to you more & she'll be hungry for that orgasm every time.

Or talk about what arouses her, and push those triggers more so, get creative...ya know, some women can't orgasm at all, so the % you are getting with as much sex as YOU desire is really not all that bad.

Talk to your wife.

 

[chillymorn]

the grass is always greener.

never heard of someone complaining that their partner likes to keep their man sexually satisfyed.

and why can't you finger her and rub her clit at the same time? or lick her clit while fingering.

 

[RandomDude]

Just back off and let her come to you - or just change your initiating approach; tease her.

 

[Jamison]

I have talked to her about it sort of. I asked her if she felt like it was her job to give me sex and she said yes.
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I wouldn't want a woman like this. Weird maybe, but I don't want a woman who feels its her "duty." I know men who treat their wives like crap and their wives still lay down with them because they feel its their "duty". I disagree with that mentality.

Anyway some people equate sex with love and acceptance and self esteem, I hope your wife knows her worth and that there are other ways to feel loved and worthy, not just out of duty.

 

[imthatguy]

How selfish can you be! She willingly and lovingly gives you the physical intimacy you desire and it isn't good enough for you because YOU have decided she needs to orgasm everytime you want to have sex! You are a piece of work!

Good luck to you brother. Jeezzzzz

I am not meaning to be selfish. I thought not caring about her orgasm would be the selfish thing to do. I just feel like she now offers up her body for my use instead of using my body for her pleasure, and it just doesn't feel right. I guess I am not explaining myself all that well. It seems like if I even sort of hint to sex, she's ready to go to bed with me, like it's pity maybe? I don't know...
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Woodchuck]

hey folks, first post here. Thanks for reading and for your advice and insight.

i am in a sort of dilemma. my wife never turns me down for sex. sounds awesome i bet... but the appeal is starting to wear off for me now

background info: wife 27 and i'm 28. dated for about a year and half before marrying and have been married a little more than two years. i'm asian and my wife is african american

back to my problem.... my wife never says no to me sexually. If i initiate sex 10 times a week, i could have it 10 times a week in whatever place or position i choose. Any attempt to start something sexual is taken as i sign that i want some and my wife will i ask if i"d like some play time. The issue is that i am starting to feel like she now believes it is her wifely duty to give me sex whenever i want. And while that was great for the first year, i am really starting not to like it. It seems like she feels sex is now for me, whether she is personally in the mood or not. she engages in it cheerfully (will moan, grind on me, give oral if ask) but only orgasms maybe 30 or 40 percent of the time that i initiate. It's 100 percent when she initiates. She has to rub her clitoris in order orgasm and it seems like she doesn't have any desire to do that alot of the time that I initiate when she isn't personally in the mood. If i say she should rub it, she'll just say she doesn't want to. If i try to rub it for her, she still doesn't orgasm.

Back when we were dating, i would try to initiate about 4 times a week, she would turn me down twice a week so we would have sex about twice a week with her orgasming every single time by rubbing her clitoris. Now we have sex about 5 or 6 times a week with her orgasming once or twice (sometimes i actually think she is faking it but i am not sure).

a couple of months ago i got into this mood where i just wanted it all the time, a couple of times day. early in the morning and after work. wife was always game but she rarely orgamsed. and she was always against morning sex when were dating, i don't think we ever had it then.

I just don't want her to believe it's her duty now to provide me with sex whether she personally wants it or not at the moment. How do i go about rectifying this situation? My wife is a very sensitive, caring person and i fear coming at her the wrong will either shut her down completely sexually or she'll start faking it just to appease me.

You are the victim oc a chronic human failing....Not being able to take YES for an answer....My wife could be a poster chilf...

It IS your wifes duty to take care of your sexual needs.....

It is your duty not to become a pest.....

Work on being able to bring her to orgasm EVERY time...The added effort should put the brakes on your frequency, and if not, she still wins......:smthumbup:

 

[imthatguy]

Well then by all means, tell her you want her to be more selfish & refuse you when she isn't up for the big bang. Tell her to be more forthcoming & complain all you want is sex sex sex... like many wives do their husbands.

My husband is like your wife, he is one of those really wonderful nice Men who would give me the world.. When My sex drive was higher than His ...there were times I questioned his desire...though I can't say I ever felt like HE FELT IT WAS A DUTY... he always made me feel it was more of a Privilege... and on occasion - sometimes he didn't get "his".

Can I ask you this..... do you feel she is making it come off as a DUTY...or is this more in your head simply because YOU WANT her to get hers - so badly. You want every session to be with WILD passion.

And I also wonder why the change...your story is utterly backwards to most... they get all the free happening giving sex desirous "I can't get enough of you" sex BEFORE walking down the aisle....then suddenly.... the wife starts pushing away. And he feels like a bait & switch has taken place.

So I wonder what happened there....To make her never turn you down NOW....a conversation, an action on your part, a little too close with another woman?? something she has taken as a threat and now she feels she must perform on demand, be this dutiful wife ?

And she still WILL do this, she simply doesn't NEED it as much as you.... she likely feels "pressured" ...but she doesn't want to say this...because she wants to make you happy.

If you have made an issue out of this....and she knows she won't be able to get off again... she just offers her body to you, again, she is doing her best.

Ok, what I am reading here is ... She is NOW lacking the passion you desire --you want her to be more selfish in Sex... again... when you eat chocolate every day, it kinda makes you not crave it as much.

If I was you... I'd tone down the sex (take care of yourself more so as you did in the past)... let her come to you more & she'll be hungry for that orgasm every time.

Or talk about what arouses her, and push those triggers more so, get creative...ya know, some women can't orgasm at all, so the % you are getting with as much sex as YOU desire is really not all that bad.

Talk to your wife.

I don't neccesarily want her to refuse me. I guess I just want her to want to orgasm when we have sex. When were dating she made sure she orgasmed. Even if that meant me having to spend 20 minutes sucking her nipples and fingering her. It was non negotiable for her then and she would tell me she wanted to be satisfied. She had (has?) a large collection of sex toys from dildos to rabbits that she would use but I haven't seen any of her toys since before our wedding day. I don't even know if she still has them.

I don't think she is making it come off like it's a duty, but it is hard to say. Since she is not working to orgasm, all the moaning and grinding feels contrived? Like it's a show for my benefit but has nothing to do with her personal pleasure. She is willing to get into whatever position I can think of, but when we were dating she always wanted positions that could stimulate her clitoris so we pretty much rotated just 3 positions, cowgil, missionary and spooning. But now even if a position won't exactly stimulate her clitoris she will do it FOR ME

I have tried to reduce my sex drive to twice a week so she would orgasm but she still would only try for orgasm once then. If I say "you should rub it", she'll just say she doesn't feel like it. I'm also starting to feel like she thinks everytime I touch her I want sex. If we're sitting on the couch and I'm rubbing her thigh, she'll ask I want to go to bed. A lot of times I don't want to initially but as soon as she asks I say yes, it's hard to turn down a sexy woman offering you sex.

As far as what has changed... her becoming more religious I guess. When we were dating, she went to church on holidays and that was pretty much it. Now she's there every Sunday and even has a group of girlfriends from church that she invites over a couple of times a month. A lot of times I do think they have been putting this "wifely duty" stuff into my wife's head.