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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi, I've been on this website for a couple of weeks now and am really confused and devastated.

My wife and I have been together for 17 years, 12(well, on 12/11 it will be) of which we've been married.

A lot of our problems started 4+ years ago when I was hurt at work and needed neck and elbow/hand surgery. I was off work for 3+ years jumping through the work comp hoops. In that time, I became recluse and insecure. I shut out my wife because I didn't feel good about myself therefore alienating her. I love her and consider her my soul mate so this was obviously not typical behavior. I also was drinking a lot because I was depressed and being the wonderful person she is, she tried to build me up to no avail. Fast forward to now and I'm working as a temp in a crappy job which hasn't helped.

She left me on 11/9 and moved in with her mom. She has rented an apartment and move more stuff out today.

In the beginning, I left her alone after I talked to her the next day of her leaving me. She said we were done but I wouldn't hear it. Over the course of the next week, I left her alone until that Thursday,and then I called and left her a message. I noticed on T-Mobile there was a lot of text messages for one number and it started 3 weeks ago (at that time) when she went with some of her friends for a weekend away. I freaked out, had one of my friends call the # and it was a male. The next morning, I called it and sent her a text with the # stating I hope he is worth it and that she broke my heart. I actually talked to her that day and she said he is just a friend and that she isn't doing anything wrong. Now I'm not naive, and I realize this isn't a good situation but I didn't make a big deal about because I knew it would only push her to away.

We decided to separate and she told me that her plans were to get an apartment. That was on a Friday so I left her alone on Saturday. Then Sunday she mentioned stopping by so I text her like an idiot. I had my friend come over Sunday night and by the time he left, I was wound up. I woke up at 4 in the morning and sent her a text basically stating at the very least she was having an EA. That we were still married and that our wedding vows obviously didn't mean a thing. She ended up texting me back and forth and decided to meet me at our house on Monday night. We actually had a good conversation and ended up going out for dinner.

At dinner, she actually fed me some of her food which kind of threw me off but I could tell she was still mad at me. She spent the night in our other bedroom and cleaned up and did some laundry the next morning. I left her alone on Tuesday, and then I received a call on Wednesday that my mom was sent to the ER so I called her. She was luckily up here and not at her mom's house so we went to see my mom. My mom is battling stage 4 breast cancer so the news we received on Wednesday was bad.

My wife dropped me off that night and went back to her mom's house. I picked my mom up on Thanksgiving and brought her and my dad home. I let her get some rest and spent Thanksgiving at home alone with our two dogs. I talked to my wife that morning and actually Friday, Saturday, and today.

She answers my calls and text messages but I'm still devastated. Five months ago when I found out my mom had breast cancer, two weeks later we found a lump on my wife's breast and a couple of weeks later she had it removed.

We've been through a lot the last 4+ years and I know I need to giver her space which is what she asked for but I'm not sure if it isn't too late. I know I need to concentrate on myself and be there for my mom and dad, but I'm so broken with my work comp situation plus all the other things.

Sorry for the long post,
just don't know what to do?
 

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I'm sorry to hear about your mom's cancer , I hope she'll heal soon !

And I'm sorry you landed on the airport of devastated spouses !

Leave her alone , don't bother her , no calls no texts no e-mails no gifts . She is confused too . Start 180 immediately and stay on it - The Healing Heart: The 180

Don't act like wussy ! Woman doesn't like wussies !

Don't use your friends as therapists ! Write here what you think or what you wanna say to her !

NO ALCOHOL ! Period !

Good luck and stay strong.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks for the support, BigMac. She said she was going to call me tonight so should I answer?


I'm sorry to hear about your mom's cancer , I hope she'll heal soon !

And I'm sorry you landed on the airport of devastated spouses !

Leave her alone , don't bother her , no calls no texts no e-mails no gifts . She is confused too . Start 180 immediately and stay on it - The Healing Heart: The 180

Don't act like wussy ! Woman doesn't like wussies !

Don't use your friends as therapists ! Write here what you think or what you wanna say to her !

NO ALCOHOL ! Period !

Good luck and stay strong.
 

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Um, if she said she was going to call and knows you know this, yes, I'd definately answer!

I know, no A in definitely. I"M NOT FIXIN IT! lol.

Um. any other time, I don't know. YOuknow, I suck so let someone else tell you about the other calls. But yes, to me ABSOLUTELY answer! Since it's well known you KNOW she's suppose to call. To me, it'd show irresponsibility if you don't.
 

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BTW, BigMac, it looks like you're doing an excellent job giving advice. You seem to be giving the typical advice, rather than what you're trying solo on your own. Good job!

You're straight and to the point. I didn't even realize it was you that i was reading :p

Hope things are still going in a better direction for you BM.

OP, keep your head up and BE PATIENT! READ READ READ!
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
She hasn't played any games so far so I do expect her to call. She hasn't been alone really since she left me though so maybe she'll be too much of a mess to call. I spoke with her this morning and she started to cry so I know this isn't easy for her...at least some hope I guess.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks, Dewayne76. I'm trying but it is hard to shut off a 17 year relationship. On the other hand, she has told me what she needs and I have to show her that I can do that for her.

A huge part of our problem is/was that she was consumed with my stuff and lost herself so that is why she moved out. I'm hopeful we can get back together but it might be too far gone.
 

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S'Life, sorry you're in such rough shape. Your efforts right now should not be in playing games or orchestrating anything. You know to let your wife have space. It's what you both want right now only you don't know it yet. Use this time to pull yourself out of your spiral and get yourself right. Get back in the game champ.

Your mom needs you. You need you. Both of those things are infinitely more important than a woman that has given up on her relationship.
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