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Do you think she is honest and will come back if we work at it?

  • yes

    Votes: 2 22.2%
  • no

    Votes: 7 77.8%
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello,

I will try to make this as short as I can...

I am 28 my wife is 24. We have been married 5 years and together 7. We have a 5 year old son together. No other children. We currently both work full-time.

My wife told me in the beginning of feb. 2011 that its time to move on. She moved out of our marital home on feb 21st 2011 to an apartment that she says she has a month to month lease on.

When she moved out she told me it was to work on our marriage and that she eventually wanted to come back. She still says that she loves me, misses me, and wants to have another child together someday. We are both in individual counseling and also joint marriage counseling. We have been seeing a marriage counselor for 5 months now and she has also been moved out for about 5 months now as well. To this day she still says she loves me and wants to come back home but doesn't know when. She still has a house key to our marital home because I gave her one. I do not get the privilege of having a key to her apartment.

She said she moved out to work on our communication problems. However, We have been talking for months now and it seems she still isn't ready to come back.

Im starting to feel like she is just stringing me along and likes knowing I love her and I am here for her. We still do things together occasionally.. like theme parks, dinner, movies, ect... We have had sex 3 times since she moved out. She comes over to the marital home often but never really invites me over to her place. Last week I finally took our marriage pictures down around the house. She noticed and asked why. I said because it makes me sad to look at you in this empty house all the time and that I noticed she didn't have any pictures of me up in her apartment. It really seemed to bother her I took her pictures down. I feel like she enjoys seeing me hurt and waiting for her... but I don't know.

Our son is ok.. We don't have any legal separation papers filed, we just live apart. We share our son 50/50 through the week and have no problems when it comes to him..

My question is, How long do I wait? When do I stop talking to her unless it only concerns our son? As it stands now, I keep thinking she will be home soon, but soon never comes and she keeps telling me how she loves me, misses me, and wants a new baby with me.... but then she still stays living in her own apartment away from me. How do I get her to realize what she is doing to me and our family so that she comes home??

As from what I have read online... Most separations don't go this way. It is odd to me that she moved out to work on the marriage and say she loves me. How do I know if she is honest? Does she even really know what she wants? I do not want a divorce, I just want my family life back.
 

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Hello,

I will try to make this as short as I can...

I am 28 my wife is 24. We have been married 5 years and together 7. We have a 5 year old son together. No other children. We currently both work full-time.

My wife told me in the beginning of feb. 2011 that its time to move on. She moved out of our marital home on feb 21st 2011 to an apartment that she says she has a month to month lease on.

When she moved out she told me it was to work on our marriage and that she eventually wanted to come back. She still says that she loves me, misses me, and wants to have another child together someday. We are both in individual counseling and also joint marriage counseling. We have been seeing a marriage counselor for 5 months now and she has also been moved out for about 5 months now as well. To this day she still says she loves me and wants to come back home but doesn't know when. She still has a house key to our marital home because I gave her one. I do not get the privilege of having a key to her apartment.

She said she moved out to work on our communication problems. However, We have been talking for months now and it seems she still isn't ready to come back.

Im starting to feel like she is just stringing me along and likes knowing I love her and I am here for her. We still do things together occasionally.. like theme parks, dinner, movies, ect... We have had sex 3 times since she moved out. She comes over to the marital home often but never really invites me over to her place. Last week I finally took our marriage pictures down around the house. She noticed and asked why. I said because it makes me sad to look at you in this empty house all the time and that I noticed she didn't have any pictures of me up in her apartment. It really seemed to bother her I took her pictures down. I feel like she enjoys seeing me hurt and waiting for her... but I don't know.

Our son is ok.. We don't have any legal separation papers filed, we just live apart. We share our son 50/50 through the week and have no problems when it comes to him..

My question is, How long do I wait? When do I stop talking to her unless it only concerns our son? As it stands now, I keep thinking she will be home soon, but soon never comes and she keeps telling me how she loves me, misses me, and wants a new baby with me.... but then she still stays living in her own apartment away from me. How do I get her to realize what she is doing to me and our family so that she comes home??

As from what I have read online... Most separations don't go this way. It is odd to me that she moved out to work on the marriage and say she loves me. How do I know if she is honest? Does she even really know what she wants? I do not want a divorce, I just want my family life back.
I voted yes. Know why. Because she is young, wanted to be free to do what she pleases for a while and eventually she will tire of the game and want her family back. My gut instinct is that there is OM. Once she has her fun and is ready to come back, will you be ready to deal with whatever shes been doing.
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I voted yes. Know why. Because she is young, wanted to be free to do what she pleases for a while and eventually she will tire of the game and want her family back. My gut instinct is that there is OM. Once she has her fun and is ready to come back, will you be ready to deal with whatever shes been doing.
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Why do you think there is another man? I don't have that feeling but I could be wrong. She has sex with me, spends time with me and tells me she loves me... Why wouldnt she just cut me off if she was with someone else?
 

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Why do you think there is another man? I don't have that feeling but I could be wrong. She has sex with me, spends time with me and tells me she loves me... Why wouldnt she just cut me off if she was with someone else?
Simple. She wants to have her cake and eat it too.

Hi nottssure, Im not saying that she is definitely seeing a OM but if she is and she is still spending time with you, and telling you she still loves you that is why she wouldn't just cut you off. She wants to be able to be free and have you as a back up plan. However like I said, this is not ALWAYS the case. I hope this is not the case for you.

If I were you I would be awfully careful with this. She could be playing or stringing you along like you said, but if you think she is being truly honest with you and she just wants a time out then I can understand why you tolerate the living arrangement.

As to how long you should wait, I do not know the answer to that. I suppose if you really love her then you would wait as long as you had too. I agree with what BrighterLight said above. I hope she is really taking a time out and not stringing you along.

Why have you never been over to her place? Have you asked to go over, or just never asked because you were giving her space? If you're really tired of living this way you could give her an ultimatum, that might not work in your favor for reconciliation though.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I have been to her place two or three times... But I don't have a key to it like she does for our marital home... Im not allowed to just show up there like she is allowed to do at my (our) house.

My wife moved out (she says) because of the way we are with each other. Like, my accusations and interrogations. (over a male friend she had a year prior) They way my mother is with her. the way she feels I look at her, the way I talked to her. How I don't respect her feelings and opinions. How I don't listen to what she has to say or thinks... Those are all the reasons she gives on why she left.

I don't think this is another man at this time. I have checked up on her without her knowing here and there and see nothing at this moment that would signify another man. There either isn't one or she is really really really good at hiding it.

However, I do have trust issues with her over past events (not actual cheating but possibly) - She feels I am controlling and like she was trapped.

I just don't know how to show her I have changed. I don't want to just throw it all away. I love her so much to just give up... But I have been trying for 5 months now and she's not any closer to coming home. I wish I could say... if she's not back in another month, Im gonna stop talking to her. Then if she's not back a few month after that, file for divorce... But I will never be able to bring myself to being the one who files... But I want thinking to at least make myself unavailable to her so she can miss me and want to come back.... but then again, if im unavailable, how can she see the changes.

Argh, this is so confusing. I need a gameplan but im not sure which way to go with this. Waiting for her to feel she can trust me and is safe with me is very hard to do.

Any possible insight would be really helpful. How do you get a woman who wants to come back to actually come back?
 

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There is not necessarily an OM, but there "could" be, she has complete freedom and autonomy plus the benefit of a loving and supportive H to fall back on. Cake eating for sure, whether or not it's some kind of affair. The other thing I'd be concerned about is drug or other substance problems, because I've known closet drug users where the stress of keeping it secret from spouse was too much so they did the "trial separation" (really just a place to partake in their vice without prying eyes).

Whatever the reason notsure, it is up to you to decide what you will put up with. Its been a long enough separation that each of you should know what you want, if I were you I'd put my foot right now and say your in the marriage or not - note: it wasn't long ago I was a doormat and probably wouldn't have made such a bold line in the sand if faced with that situation. Just do what you think you need to do, if you both like this living arrangement then so be it, but you wouldn't be here if it wasn't bothering you, so man up.
 

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...my accusations and interrogations. (over a male friend she had a year prior)
red flag right there... you have every right to protect your M and question her relationships with men, she shouldn;t try to make you feel guilty about that unless there really is something inappropriate shes trying to hide.

... or she is really really really good at hiding it... However, I do have trust issues with her over past events (not actual cheating but possibly) - She feels I am controlling and like she was trapped.
If it is a A then she may actually have gone to great length to hide it, sometimes they ARE really good at it. As to you being controlling, perhaps you are but that is a very common excuse I've seen from stories on the board used to shift blame back on the loyal spouse... be a little apprehensive

...I just don't know how to show her I have changed... I have been trying for 5 months now and she's not any closer to coming home... if she's not back in another month, Im gonna stop talking to her. Then if she's not back a few month after that, file for divorce... But I will never be able to bring myself to being the one who files... But I want thinking to at least make myself unavailable to her so she can miss me and want to come back.... but then again, if im unavailable, how can she see the changes.
You show her you have changed by actually following through with the hard choice of not contacting her - REALLY give her the space she has asked for and don't spend any effort trying to appease her, she has to know what its like on her own. Put divorce on the table now (assuming you don't want to continue on this path) and start talking to lawyers, get something drawn up and let her know you really are serious.

...How do you get a woman who wants to come back to actually come back?
She is a woman, if she wanted to be there she would, be glad that she is still available to you. You can't control her decision but you can live life the way you want and let her be a part of it if she is willing to stand by you.
 

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You show her you have changed by actually following through with the hard choice of not contacting her - REALLY give her the space she has asked for and don't spend any effort trying to appease her, she has to know what its like on her own. Put divorce on the table now (assuming you don't want to continue on this path) and start talking to lawyers, get something drawn up and let her know you really are serious.
I agree. Give her the complete space she wants. Do not initiate anything, let her come to you.

She is a woman, if she wanted to be there she would, be glad that she is still available to you. You can't control her decision but you can live life the way you want and let her be a part of it if she is willing to stand by you.
I agree with this as well. Especially the part of live your life the way you want it and let her be apart of it when and if she is willing to be. Lon gives sound advice!
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 · (Edited)
ok...

A few days before she moved out, I took her phone while she was sleeping and cracked the lock code so I could look through it. She has text messages from her female cousin saying that the furniture was moved in for her. When I looked at the number that was saved under her cousins name, it did not match the number I know her cousin has.. so I called it. It was a guys phone and the voicemail said 'hey, this is tom, leave a message' - The next day I asked her who is tom and how do you know him. She asked me what I was talking about, I said don't play games, who is tom. She wanted to know how I got his name. I said, don't worry about it. She insisted I tell her how so I finally did and she then said he is just a guy she works with who helped move some furniture in for her. I asked if anything else was going on that I should know about and she said no...

A week later after she was out of our home, I called my wifes phone to check her voice mail messages (i had the VM code and she didn't know it) - I heard a message from this guy tom saying , "Hey, its me. I am going to be dropping off your washer and dryer soon. Talk to you later, I love you"

After I heard the message, I immediately called her and she eventually answered. I said to her "You wanna tell me the truth now about whats going on with Tom? I already know, Why don't you come clean" - she then said "what do you know" - I said "Im not telling you, I want you to tell me" - so then she replied saying "I don't know what you are talking about" - I then snapped and said I heard your voice mail he left you. I heard him say he loves you. She then said "Hes just a guy that I work with, He has a crush on me and I just liked the attention, nothing is going on, I don't like him that way and I have no feelings for him.. He confessed his love to me at work a few days ago and I told he he shouldnt say that cause Im married"

After the phone call, I drove to her apartment and demanded that she call him in front of me to tell him she loves her husband and he needs to stop saying things to her. She refused. I also accused her and said this is why you moved out, you like this guy. She assured me that was not the reason and that the reason she didn't tell me about him is because she didn't want me to think that was why she moved out.

She said she would tell him to stop on her own time and handle the situation in her own way. I wanted proof that she would say something but she wouldnt give it to me... Since then I have thought about calling this guy she works with myself and tell him to back the f**** off. My wife said it would not be necessary and that she would take care of it.

Since my wife has moved out 5 months ago and this even occurred, she still talks to me and we are in marriage counseling 'trying' to work on our marriage while living separately. However, I believe she may still be talking to this guy a little or that he still hits on her and says he loves her. She has since changed her voicemail password so I can no longer check it. I truly believe my wife is acting like she loves me and wants to work on our marriage but I also wonder if anything else is going on with this guy she works with.

My question is, Why didn't my wife really tell me about this guy? I know I am the jealous type but that kinda stuff is a big deal... Maybe she thought I would make her quit her job, I don't know... Since she didn't tell me about him in the first place and I had to snoop to find out, I wonder what else she is keeping from me. This is the type of stuff that makes me go nuts and act the way I do..

Since we seem to be working on our marriage and I no longer have a way to see if this guy looks at her, hits on her, calls her, ect... Should I believe her in what she said even though she didn't just come out and tell me in the first place? Should I man up and call this piece of sh*t coworker of hers and tell him to back the hell off or there will be trouble? i don't wanna cause problems for my wife at work but Im not sure what else to do... So I just do nothing and focus on working on our marriage with my wife? If she would have straight up told me about him, I wouldnt want to do anything about it because I would feel she was being honest, But because I had to find out on my own, I feel like there is even more to this picture that she isn't telling me... What should I do? I wanna call him up and yell at him so bad (he has a GF of his own so my wife says) but I don't wanna make my wife angry at me for calling him and telling him to back the hell off of my wife. what would you suggest I do?? Please help.

also - I just called my wife before writing this... I asked her to be honest with me and tell me if this guy still hits on her. She said "sometimes". I asked he what she does and she says she just walks away and goes back inside (he talks to her on smoke breaks). I asked her if she ever stayed after work to talk to him in the parking lot. She said yes but not anything recently. I asked if they ever hung out outside of work and she said "no". I then asked the same question of if she has ever hung out with him at all outside of work and she said "no, why". I said I was just wondering. I also asked if he calls her at all and she said he texts her from time to time.... should I ask any other questions or just leave it alone for now?

She also told me that when she was leaving me she was leaving me... but that she decided to work on our marriage instead because I am her husband and she loves me.

I HATE this so much. Should I call this guy? I have his number. I wanna just text him right now and tell him to back off my wife. Should I do that??
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
also - this guy does not know how to contact me... but if I contact him he may tell me something (or lie) about the situation that I don't know.... should I call/text him? And say what?
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I know some guy is hitting on her at work and making her feel special... but I still don't really think she is cheating on me/sleeping with him.

Anyone have any advise on all of this? She says she's having a hard time coming home because of the way I used to make her feel. She says its very stress free living in her own apartment. How do I get her to look at me in a better way? I have been trying with all my love and patience these last 5 months and she doesn't seem any closer now than before....
 

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Hi, I don't think you should call. Calling isn't going to fix things. The way I see it, whether you and your wife get back together is a decision between the two of you. Calling him won't change that. He has no emotional connection to you, and probably could careless about how you feel. If you call he'll either tell you the truth or he'll lie but, I don't think he'll stopped pursuing her just because you say you don't like it. I think calling is pointless and might cause more harm than good. Sorry you're going through this. It sucks! :(
 

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nottssure: I think you know your own answers but they are scary. I think your wife is cheating and everything that has been written about cake is true.

You now need to protect yourself from further lies and misdirection and give an ultimatum. Come back (5 months is long enough) to really be in a marriage or divorce.

What choice do you really have? You have confirmed your own suspicions.

I am sorry but all of us on these threads have been victimized one way or the other by an EA or a PA.

I wish you the best and strength to deal with this.
 

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The original post you wrote could have been written by me in 2008. All the same things were going on surrounding a separation for me. BTW I voted "no" because I have lived through the emotional nightmare and I'm now a casualty.

A nice attorney gave me a bit of wisdom back in 2008, and I believe it applies to your situation. Separation never restores a marriage. Separation only gives a spouse freedom--and freedom from guilt from lying. Separation is never a means to work on a marriage.

End your limbo today. Tell your spouse to move back in the marital home, continue going to marriage counseling, and really put her heart into the marriage. Or, you will be filing for divorce. You will get the true answer rather quickly.
 

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Okay. Take a DEEP breath. You sound like you are freaking out, which is understandable, but you need to breathe before you do something to make your situation worse.

Do NOT call that guy. Your wife is the only one who can tell this guy to back off. If you call him you will make yourself look pathetic and it will not help your situation whatsoever. If your wife is still in contact with this guy outside of the workplace then there is something wrong. She was wrong to let it go as far as she did with this guy. Every human being likes to feel validated by others and receive praise but she is a married woman and should have nipped his infatuation in the bud when he made his intentions clear.

I still say the only real thing you can do to help yourself out at this point is to leave her alone. Do not call her, do not message her until she comes to you. Stop trying to break into her phone/email/anything to try and find dirt on her. This does not do you any good. You cannot control anything she does, you can only control what you do.

The only way she is going to see the changes you are making to better yourself is if she is open to see them. You are running yourself ragged for someone who is not open to see any changes at this point. She said living in her apartment is stress free and you are calling her and accusing her of things, do you see the contradiction there? You have to either back off and give her the total space that she "requires", or man up and give her the ultimatum because you are definitely being tortured.
 

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Notsure, sorry man, but I called it straght up! You see, she wants to see this other guy and have you as a back up plan. Actually, if i had to make an educated guess, i would stick to my original post. She wants to have her fling and be able to eventually go back to you. She is in fairytale land right now and she will pay heavily for it later. It all makes sense to me know. I am going to be straight up with you - heres my take on this. She is a woman living on her own, high, very high probability she is having an intimate relationship with him. Here another whopper that could work to your advantage - he could be married! I mean really, he has a GF? I call big BS to that. GF are usually a new relationship and chances are if he had a GF he wouldnt be messing around with a married woman, unless of course she BS'd him into thinking she is single.

So here's my experienced opinion on this. Call the guy! Ask him questions and pay attention to how he reacts when you tell him she is married. Heck, if your lucky, his wife might answer the phone.

Dude, fight for your marriage! I didn't 11 years ago and it was the biggest mistake of my life
Fight for her, no matter which way it goes, you manned up and did what you had to do for your marriage. She is your wife, you have every right to fight for her. If it gets her to leave you, well, she left you 5 months ago

Do what the other folks on here are saying. Give her an ultimatum. Come back home and be your wife or divorce.

Just my take on this but if calling up the other guy will make you fell better, do it. He and your wife are the cause of this no matter how she tries to spin it. At the very least, you will give the a-hole OM something to worry about. Why should you have all the pressure alone - share the love!
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So here's my experienced opinion on this. Call the guy! Ask him questions and pay attention to how he reacts when you tell him she is married. Heck, if your lucky, his wife might answer the phone.

Just my take on this but if calling up the other guy will make you fell better, do it. He and your wife are the cause of this no matter how she tries to spin it. At the very least, you will give the a-hole OM something to worry about. Why should you have all the pressure alone - share the love!
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Well, in my earlier post I said not to call the guy, but that was purely directed at your own sanity and the fact that you are running yourself ragged for someone who has had 5 months to live on her own and supposedly "work" on the marriage. All while she hasn't given you any indication that she is coming back anytime soon.

If calling this guy will make yourself feel better than do it, but you may not like the outcome of the call. It might set your mind at ease to know what is actually going on between your wife and OM. At least you will know the truth and can either start working on emotionally healing or being able to trust your wife again. It would really sting though if you called, grilled him with questions and there was nothing going on but your wife found out you called him and resented you for it. Maybe either way you have nothing to lose. It is up to you. My first thought was that by not calling the guy you would be protecting your emotional well being, but my second thought is that by calling him you will finally know that you either have to move on with MC and reconciliation or inflict a very strict ultimatum with you wife. Again, it is up to you.
 

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Caught, i dont think he runs the risk of calling the guy because there is something going on, remember in his voicemail message to her he said I love you. That right there is a giant red flag. I agree that he may not like what he hears, but i think he will be surprise by how much info he gets from him.

As a matter of fact, i would try to trap him by telling him that his wife said that they only had sex one time but he doesnt believe her. If he answers yes it was really only one time - fish caught. Reeled in and on ice! Now he can work with that. All the way to the lawyer. He should thank his lucky stars he isnt in Texas where shooting bpth of them is legal if you catch them in the act. Yip, the old west. Yeehaaaaw. Not that I would do that but sure would some kind of funny to see them soil themselves if you walk in on them with a prop gun.
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notsure, I'm sorry you are going through this. It really is hard to let go especially when there are no answers that bring understanding. If I were you I'd act as if its worst cast and she has a whole other life that she has completely withheld from you. She is giving affection that should be reserved for her husband to another man, its cheating. Even if you suspicions are not true at this point you act the same way. If she wants to really solve the marriage it is in her court now, she has to do the work to restore your trust and it is a long road. So let her go and if it is what you both want you'll find your way back to each other, just don't let yourself go back on autopilot. All that you can do at this point is move forward with your life as a single man and learn how to let love back in again, be it your wife or down the road someone new. My thoughts are with you.
 
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