[Dictum Veritas]

I feel confident she's not lying to me.

Your gut was screaming hard enough that something was amiss that you felt you had to post here. Complacency and false confidence in the wake of a confrontation of this nature has been the downfall of many a man. Do yourself a favor, trust, but verify. There was definitely smoke and you might have poured water before the fire really ignited, but if you missed even one ember and turn your back in complacency, the whole house may burn down while you are patting yourself on the back for having doused the smoking pile.

 

[PaChAn]

Your gut was screaming hard enough that something was amiss that you felt you had to post here. Complacency and false confidence in the wake of a confrontation of this nature has been the downfall of many a man. Do yourself a favor, trust, but verify. There was definitely smoke and you might have poured water before the fire really ignited, but if you missed even one ember and turn your back in complacency, the whole house may burn down while you are patting yourself on the back for having doused the smoking pile.

She told him directly what the boundaries are, after we talked.
What i've noticed today is that he didn't write to her at all. And i know this, since i've spend the entire day with my wife.

 

[Evinrude58]

Why did she let this go so far?

 

[Dictum Veritas]

She told him directly what the boundaries are, after we talked.
What i've noticed today is that he didn't write to her at all. And i know this, since i've spend the entire day with my wife.

The fact remains that he was sniffing around your wife and she had to have a talking to before she set boundaries. Those boundaries must now include, no texting or talking outside of work (they must loose each other's numbers and social media contacts) and no banter with each other in the workplace.

Personally, if someone was sniffing around my wife in a similar manner, things would end up a bit more messy for him and my wife would have been on a leash no longer than my sneaker laces for not having had valid boundaries in the first place.

 

[oldshirt]

She told him directly what the boundaries are, after we talked.
What i've noticed today is that he didn't write to her at all. And i know this, since i've spend the entire day with my wife.

Ok but keep in mind she WANTED to go out with him and spend time with him and do things with him.

There is a 98.7% chance that this was all just an excuse and cover story for them to spend time together and go out together.

And on the 1.3% chance that she actually was looking at this as a means to help him picking up chicks, that means that they were spending time together discussing very personal and romantically and sexually oriented topics.

And she was likely telling how to dress and how to do his hair and how to act in a manner that SHE FINDS ATTRACTIVE.

I am speaking from first hand personal experience here.

I have ended up in bed with a number of women that were either setting me up on a blind date as I mentioned earlier, however there were also a couple WW’s that were getting with me under the guise of helping me get back out there after a break up or during a dry spell.

They were buying me clothes that THEY LIKED, and doing my hair the way THEY LIKED and we went to bars and restaurants etc that THEY LIKED and at the end of the night, I was in bed with THEM.

This is all smoke and mirrors and you are being duped.

This is all about them and this is the story they came up with to talk to each all the time and to get together and go out together and develop THEIR relationship.

 

[oldshirt]

…. And this isn’t anything new or cutting edge. There are lots of rom com movies and chick flicks where the hot chick is helping the nerdy guy get some game and once she has him looking the way she likes and acting the way she likes, at the end of the day it is she that is climbing on top of him.

 

[Evinrude58]

How many stories on TAM wind up as tales of horror when the OP says “I trust her” or “I believe her” or “I can tell when she’s lying snd she’s not”.????

It’s almost an omen. Cue horror show dread music…. Dum dum duuuummmm

 

[D0nnivain]

She told him directly what the boundaries are, after we talked.
What i've noticed today is that he didn't write to her at all. And i know this, since i've spend the entire day with my wife.

Well there you have it. That is some proof he had designs on your wife Now that her eyes have been opened to what a threat this guy is to your marriage hopefully she won't fall pray to something like this again

 

[TAMAT]

PaChAn,

I don't know if this has been established, but is your W attractive, nice personality, sexy, etc?

He's already established that he is available to your W, now he just has to wait for your W and you to get into a major fight etc. He has also established that he is looking for a good woman and there's a good chance your W intuits that it's a woman like herself.

The sad sack man with problems routine is a classic way to pick up women, it often gets women feel sorry for the unlucky misunderstood man. OM like this joker will often play a long game create a connection and see if it ever blossoms.

His story about not having luck with women may be true in the sense that he just uses them and dumps them.

 

[jsmart]

Don’t they have the ability to communicate in person at lunch or on break? Most affairs take place on lunch breaks. You should make sure that she doesn’t have a burner phone. She went from being excited about “helping” a grown man get a woman to dialing it back. Did something go down that caused this turn of events or is she feigning to throw you off.

It’s too soon to be talking about how you trust her. This guy was obviously pursuing your wife and your wife went along with the ploy because she was into him. let’s now play the “ she’s naive woman falling for the cunning player “. Women know when we want them.

 

[TRy]

She told me that he didnt think his online dating thing is working (after like a month), so he wanted to go to plan b, which was the wing woman thing.
And she said that is not happening with her.

This other man ("OM") could not have made his intents on your wife any clearer. He is pursuing your wife and using the "just friends" excuse as his cover for getting her out on what would be for all intent and purpose a date. Although they have for now dropped communicating via channels that you are aware of, he still works with her and can use other channels that you are not aware of.

Your wife must be told in no uncertain terms what this guy's intentions on her are. Remember that in protecting your marriage you do not need to prove anything, just the reasonable possibility that that this guy intents may be bad is enough to ask her to take action to protect the marriage.

 

[TRy]

I feel confident she's not lying to me.

Assuming that you are right, she should not play with fire. People cannot always stop themselves from developing feelings, if they allow themselves to be perused by someone.

 

[PaChAn]

Don’t they have the ability to communicate in person at lunch or on break? Most affairs take place on lunch breaks. You should make sure that she doesn’t have a burner phone. She went from being excited about “helping” a grown man get a woman to dialing it back. Did something go down that caused this turn of events or is she feigning to throw you off.

It’s too soon to be talking about how you trust her. This guy was obviously pursuing your wife and your wife went along with the ploy because she was into him. let’s now play the “ she’s naive woman falling for the cunning player “. Women know when we want them.

Yes. They do.
She's mostly working from home.
She doesn't have a burner phone, we have pretty open access to see how we spend our money

 

[PaChAn]

Why did she let this go so far?

Good question

 

[Marc878]

Better set firm boundaries. And I mean firm.
Like you are free to do what you like but not as my wife. I’ll not be a marriage warden.
From what I’ve seen too many don’t want to seem controlling. It’s not about control. This is your marriage and that means just you and your wife.
If she brings someone into close proximity then she’s not protecting her marriage. It’s a slippery slope and if you walk on the ledge you’re apt to fall off. People who value their marriage don’t go near the edge.

 

[Marc878]

Good question

Perhaps you should find out so she knows you will not accept the unacceptable. You probably may not want her to feel uncomfortable but that’s better than you living on edge became of her actions.

 

[marko polo]

She told him directly what the boundaries are, after we talked.
What i've noticed today is that he didn't write to her at all. And i know this, since i've spend the entire day with my wife.

Your wife is in the drivers seat of this situation.

Do you know what exactly she told him word for word? If the answer is no she could have told him to temporarily restrict direct communication with her until you are complacent.

Your wife is the one that likely initiated the pursuit under the guise of offering him assistance. Why would she do this? oldshirt has already given you the answer.

"And she was likely telling how to dress and how to do his hair and how to act in a manner that SHE FINDS ATTRACTIVE."

"I have ended up in bed with a number of women that were either setting me up on a blind date as I mentioned earlier, however there were also a couple WW’s that were getting with me under the guise of helping me get back out there after a break up or during a dry spell."

"They were buying me clothes that THEY LIKED, and doing my hair the way THEY LIKED and we went to bars and restaurants etc that THEY LIKED and at the end of the night, I was in bed with THEM."

This has been my experience as well.

If a woman is interested in a man she will not only make herself available she will actively initiate. She will do favors, buy gifts, offer to go out with him and spend time together, talk about sex. A woman will not discuss sex with any man she finds unattractive. A woman will introduce the topic of sex with a man she would like to bed.

Have you been able to verify what specifically they have discussed? Of course not. You remain in the dark and are relying only on what she has told you.

If this coworker is so inept at approaching women and getting a date how exactly did he find the courage to approach your wife and ask for her assistance? Answer - He didn't. Your wife approached him and offered to help.

A woman will not invest time and energy into a man to make him attractive so that another woman can benefit romantically. A woman invests her time and energy in such a venture with the intention that she will benefit.

This situation is far from over. Boundaries, if there actually are any, can be side stepped. Do not ignore what is in front of you.

 

[Rus47]

t’s too soon to be talking about how you trust her. This guy was obviously pursuing your wife and your wife went along with the ploy because she was into him. let’s now play the “ she’s naive woman falling for the cunning player “. Women know when we want them.

Like you are free to do what you like but not as my wife. I’ll not be a marriage warden.

She has already proven she isn't trustworthy. And the whole mess is still in place to progress to full-on physical at first opportunity. Nothing has really changed. Why would a man want to live with a woman he has to monitor all of the time to be sure she isn't banging someone else? If the wife has that sort of relationship at work, for sure the other guys on the job are fully aware she is available under the right circumstances.

It is on HER to fix this mess and first step is getting work elsewhere. She soiled the nest at the present job by her own actions, nothing OP did. She chose that route. What in h3ll does her job have to do with helping a guy at the job get dates?

 

[Evinrude58]

Good point above: a woman doesn’t discuss such things with a man she’s not attracted to.
Where there’s smoke there’s fire. Seems too easy of a fix. They still work together.

 

[jsmart]

@marko polo is right. It’s too soon to let her off the hook with talk of trusting her. It sounds like this was a mutual pursuit. Like @oldshirt , I too had girls trying to hook me up with a friend. At the time, I was clueless on that the friend was into me. I was so focused on the girl she was trying to get me with that I overlooked the signs. Just like OS experienced, I did end up hooking up with that girl. Difference is we were high schoolers. Your wife is 30 years old and should have your best interest but instead she’s allowed her husband to feel insecure about their marriage.