[PaChAn]

Maybe, but you do not know this.
She may be using some other application, some hidden email account.

What you do know is that they are very likely communicating by VOE, that ancient , voice-over-eardrum means to transmit/receive words.

They likely talk at work, maybe a lot at lunch time?

This talk is difficult to track and to learn about.

Be careful you are not being played like a honky-tonk piano.

This is still conjecture, how-so-ever, something, that nagging doubt, brought you to this blog, TAM.

Correct?

Eyes open, mouth shut.
Be that detective.

True. I can't know for sure.
I can however inspect all internet traffic at home. So if something is over wifi, i know what it is (not the content though).
But, currently i don't think it's a lie about facebook only.
They do naturally talk at work. And i can't know what that is. She does primarily work from home though

 

[PaChAn]

How old is this guy? Is he in high school? Does he not have friends and parents?

Your wife's relationship with this man is way out of bounds because it's too personal.

They are no longer just coworkers. The coworker status was contaminated by discussing his love life and giving him dating advice plus pointers on how best to pick up women on Tinder.

There is no reason for your wife to be involved in his love life. Particularly since he asked her on a date. Yes, going out with him as a wingman is code for him being interested in dating your wife.

Maybe the guy is delusional to think she's interested - but he does. Now she needs to shut him down and go zero contact outside of work. No more personal advice at any time.

Finally, the texts are not the entire conversation. What you miss is the face to face exchange at work, coffee break, and over lunch. The smiles, eye contact, laughter, and flirty suggestive language that's intentionally omitted from texts.

I think he is around 30-35. We are both 30.
And I have no idea about how many friends he has.

 

[Dictum Veritas]

I think he is around 30-35. We are both 30.
And I have no idea about how many friends he has.

A 30-35 yo single male who wants your wife, a married woman as wingman, just NO. I was single at that age, I was fully capable of picking up woman solo. I did sometimes use ploys to get to spend some time with a more reticent woman, but most of them knew it was a ploy, but they felt more comfortable having plausible deniability. Your wife knows the wing-woman story is nothing but a ploy to go on a date.

Were I you I would be thoroughly peeved that she didn't shut him down and cut contact the moment he crossed that line. Eyes and ears open, mouth shut and watch everything that transpires between your wife and this man. He's putting the moves on her and she's nibbling.

 

[PaChAn]

So she has not actually gone out with him to be his "wing woman"? If it looks like that's going to happen, invite yourself along. Get to know this guy. Offer to give him dude help with his online dating profile. You'll know pretty quickly if they're just friends or if there's something else going on, just based on how they react to your presence.

I know people on this board are super suspicious of cross-gender friendships, but I have guy friends at work as well as women friends. If I go out with any of them outside of work, they know my boyfriend is coming too, and they like him and he likes them. One of my guy friends is now better friends with my man than with me.

Note: the heart emojis between friends seem weird to me, but some younger people are pretty free with the emojis.

No. She hasn't been out with him to be his wing woman. And promised it's not happening.

She also told me she would stop the heart emojis, but also assured me that's just how she writes.

Plus, it seems that i've managed to bring my wife in doubt of his intention. Before she insisted that he has no interest in her, but after out talk, she's not certain.
It also seems that the texting might have slowed down, and i've noticed she doesn't respond very quickly to him after our talk.

 

[So far so good]

What would probably happen at the bar is her friend not having much success, laughing together about his terrible prospects, then telling your wife how much better she is etc…

Maybe she is not cheating yet, but she puts way too much energy on her "friendship" as opposed to your marriage.

You have to set clear boundaries and she needs boundaries as well. Read her text, stuff might be deleted but you would get the idea of what this guy is doing. "Not just friend" book is a great idea. With her behaviour, she is not defending your marriage… why? She enjoys the attention?

Get an account of the history of their "friendship". Did he, say, kiss her on the cheek once for example? Does he give her lots of compliments?

You love your wife,but, ultimately, you have to decide what you will accept and what you will not, that’s the key to your happiness

 

[MattMatt]

@PaChAn He does not need a married woman to help him, he needs a therapist.

He should not be pulling this type of trick at work. Human Resources/Personnel need to be informed because he risks causing all sort of workplace issues with his shenanigans and his bad behaviour.

 

[Evinrude58]

No. She hasn't been out with him to be his wing woman. And promised it's not happening.

She also told me she would stop the heart emojis, but also assured me that's just how she writes.

Plus, it seems that i've managed to bring my wife in doubt of his intention. Before she insisted that he has no interest in her, but after out talk, she's not certain.
It also seems that the texting might have slowed down, and i've noticed she doesn't respond very quickly to him after our talk.

“Talks” rarely if ever solve these kinds of problems. It just drives things underground.
If your talk was taken seriously, she would have broken all contact.
Example: She’s gonna stop the heart emojis. Lol. The emoji may not be there, but the emotion still is.

people love attention. They love the feeling of being put on a pedestal. They love getting attention that others don’t get and feeling “special”. And they’ve already gotten all that from their spouse. The spouse can never compete with that crap because they know you’re hooked and they can have your attention anytime. Your wife clearly can’t let go of it, and will be lured back in by this guy.

Be prepared to be labeled as insecure and controlling. Then she will start dressing up for work better, working out, having lost time. Later, when you get the ILYBINILWY speech, you’ll know you can move on.

originally posted by “F-102” here on TAM. It’s pure genius and applies to most emotional affairs and how affairs start in general:

Thanks for referencing my thread. I originally wrote it in response to one poster whose W had reconnected to an ex-BF on Facebook, and it outlined how it can go from "Hey, how's it going?" to "I hate my H's guts and I'm leaving him for you!"

Here's the unabridged version:

Right now, the texts/conversations may very well be just two old friends catching up but soon, if left unchecked, may very well morph into:

Their lives since they parted
Their relationships since they parted
Their families
Their spouses
You
How you're an excellent father
How you're a great husband
How you're a wonderful guy
Your job
How your job keeps you busy
How your job keeps you away
How she sometimes feels a little lonely when you're away
How she sometimes feels a little overburdened at home
How she sometimes feels a little taken for granted
How she feels that you don't ALWAYS listen to her
How she feels that you don't ALWAYS understand her
How she feels that sometimes you're just "not there" for her
How, okay... you're not ALWAYS such a wonderful guy
How she loved hearing from him again
How she looks forward to his texts/calls/e-mails now
How she feels young again
How she feels appreciated again
How she feels attractive again
How it's so nice to have someone who just LISTENS to her again
How it's been so, so long since you made her feel that way
How her eyes have now been opened
How she now realizes what she truly wants and needs
How she now realizes that you could NEVER give her that
How insensitive you can be some times
How you can be a real jerk sometimes
How she wonders if they would have stayed together
How she now realizes that she never really loved you
How she now realizes that she really loved him all along
How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you
How you're the biggest a++hole she's ever known
How you're standing in the way of her true happiness
How you ruined her life
How she made a big mistake marrying you
How she made an even bigger mistake letting him go
How now she sees that they were really meant to be together
How she desperately has to get away from you
How she's definitely going to leave you
How she's talking to divorce lawyers
How they're going to live happily ever after...

...get the picture?

 

[bygone]

I'll tell you the relationship is deeper than you think and manipulated

Your wife knows how to control you.

She's covered everything she's done and you think a grown woman would go through all this without realizing it, with no experience or idea about relationships.

The best lie is the one you tell yourself.

 

[Captain Obvious]

No. She hasn't been out with him to be his wing woman. And promised it's not happening.

She also told me she would stop the heart emojis, but also assured me that's just how she writes.

Plus, it seems that i've managed to bring my wife in doubt of his intention. Before she insisted that he has no interest in her, but after out talk, she's not certain.
It also seems that the texting might have slowed down, and i've noticed she doesn't respond very quickly to him after our talk.

You say the texting has slowed down and she doesn’t respond as quickly, well that means nothing because she is still responding to this clown. She could totally shut this down if she wanted to, she doesn’t, there lies the problem.

 

[Dictum Veritas]

You say the texting has slowed down and she doesn’t respond as quickly, well that means nothing because she is still responding to this clown. She could totally shut this down if she wanted to, she doesn’t, there lies the problem.

Texting having slowed down is not communications is shut-down. It means jack-S! If you don't kill this thing now with FIRM boundaries, I'm looking forward to your thread titled: "My wife is cheating on me with a co-worker she told me she wanted to be a wing-woman for."

 

[Kaliber]

Plus, it seems that i've managed to bring my wife in doubt of his intention. Before she insisted that he has no interest in her, but after out talk, she's not certain.
It also seems that the texting might have slowed down, and i've noticed she doesn't respond very quickly to him after our talk.

Just keep your eyes open, and nip it in the bud!
Text slowing down could be for various reasons, one could be because you talked to her and now she is more aware!
OR it slowed down because: Oh crap... he's on to me, I better be careful and watch out/hide tracks!

Keep your eyes open!

 

[PaChAn]

She shut down the whole wing woman thing today

 

[Evinrude58]

She shut down the whole wing woman thing today

Oh yeah? How? That’s actually good news

 

[SunCMars]

@PaChAn He does not need a married woman to help him, he needs a therapist.

He should not be pulling this type of trick at work. Human Resources/Personnel need to be informed because he risks causing all sort of workplace issues with his shenanigans and his bad behaviour.

Yes, but only if he continues these shenanigans.

I doubt that HR would get involved, just yet.

And likely, only after our OP's wife said her coworker is (somehow) harassing her.
Making her uncomfortable.

She would be directed to tell the bloke not to talk to her about anything personal.
Keep it to business related talk, only.

If he then continued, the company would take action.

Being a snitch is a last ditch effort.
It would look bad on her, at this point.

Getting along with others is highly valued in corporations.

 

[PaChAn]

Oh yeah? How? That’s actually good news

She told me that he didnt think his online dating thing is working (after like a month), so he wanted to go to plan b, which was the wing woman thing.
And she said that is not happening with her.

 

[Evinrude58]

I’m so shocked he’s ready to go to plan b (which was always his plan A— to have a date with your wife)…..
Surely even your wife sees now what a loser this guy is to go to this kind of childish scheme to get her out. My question is: how could she not see this for what it is from the getgo.

discussing relationships, etc., with a man at work— totally inappropriate. Being hus wingman? Laughable.

And super disrespectful to you and I’m my opinion, visit worthy. But your wife sho you d have never let this get to this point.

 

[Captain Obvious]

She told me that he didnt think his online dating thing is working (after like a month), so he wanted to go to plan b, which was the wing woman thing.
And she said that is not happening with her.

God that guy is such a tool. I would show up at their work and just look him right in the eyes and say “So you’re the guy that can’t get any women and wants to date my wife” in front of the whole office just to see his reaction. What a scumbag.

 

[marko polo]

You don't ask a fish how to catch a fish.

Your wife should be your wingman not his.

Nothing good will come from this situation. If you would like to remedy it then swift and ruthless action is required on your part.

 

[marko polo]

No. She hasn't been out with him to be his wing woman. And promised it's not happening.

She also told me she would stop the heart emojis, but also assured me that's just how she writes.

Plus, it seems that i've managed to bring my wife in doubt of his intention. Before she insisted that he has no interest in her, but after out talk, she's not certain.
It also seems that the texting might have slowed down, and i've noticed she doesn't respond very quickly to him after our talk.

This slow down just means they have taken their affair underground and out of your immediate sight. They are both aware you suspect something.

Should you believe anything your wife tells you if you are not able to verify on your own - NO. Cheaters lie.

 

[PaChAn]

This slow down just means they have taken their affair underground and out of your immediate sight. They are both aware you suspect something.

Should you believe anything your wife tells you if you are not able to verify on your own - NO. Cheaters lie.

I feel confident she's not lying to me.