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My wife began acting strange a year ago. I "snooped" and found that she had been texting an ex-boyfriend. They had exchanged over 1200 texts in less than one month. I confronted her and now, my life is spinning out of control.
She managed to place the blame for her text relationship on me for forcing her to fill a void in her life. She says that her biggest problem is that over the 15 years of our marriage, I did not initiate sex enough and that I did not make her feel sexy or desired. While I may be guilty of this to some degree, I have found that she is exaggerating things like this and other things, and even concocting things to feel better about herself. I am crushed. I am not handling this well. I am suspicious and paranoid and hyper-aware, and suspect of her every move, looking for hidden meaning or hidden motives in everything she does. I need her to help me feel better about our relationship, but she refuses. She has done nothing to make it up to me. So, I have become more and more withdrawn and depressed and probably not very fun to live with, which makes her pull away even more, which makes me more withdrawn. It is an awful downward spiral. She says that when she turned 39, she decided she was making changes in her life (she is not quite 40 now) and that a switch turned off (towards me). She now works out like a fiend and avoids me like the plague, though we live together with 2 children (12 and 10). I keep telling her that all I need is some genuine affection and caring from her and I can get past this. She cannot bring herself to do it. Sex is SO off the table. We have been to one couples counseling session. Now, she will only go if we go separately. We cannot afford to separate, but that is what she wants. I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I cannot shake the suspicion that she has some kind of relationship going with someone else. And I also wonder if this is simply mid life crisis. If that's the case, I don't think she would take it well if I suggested that to her. PLEASE HELP.
 

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Is she still in contact with the X?
 
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She says they are no longer in contact. I believe her about this person. I do think she is up to something with someone, but don't know who.
 

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This is unlikely a midlife crisis. If you suspect there is somebody else there probably is. What steps have you taken to find out? You need to know what you are dealing with before you take action.
 

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What can I do? I have asked her and she says no, of course. I pay the phone bill so I see the phone records. There is nothing there. I want her to have her privacy. I know she has added a pass code to her phone. I know this because my son set it up and he told me about it.
 

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I went through the pretty much identical scenario. In my case my wife announced she wasn't happy. As what she was telling me didn't seem to be adding up I went through her e-mail looking to see if she explained to one of her girlfriends what was going on. Instead of finding e-mails to girlfriends pouring her heart out I found e-mails to an old boyfriend. I hyperventilated when I read them.

My wife did the same as yours. She spewed off a laundry list of my faults that justified her actions. I've since learned nothing I did justified her actions. Yes much of her laundry list was valid however she should have come to me first before taking up with someone else. Even if it was to tell me it was over.

Whatever you do, don't let her make you feel responsible for her actions. You can take ownership of anything you've done poorly but she has to take ownership of what she has done poorly.

My advice is to keep seeing the counsellor to help process your feelings and give you an objective sounding board. As far as seperation while I would expect you to hope for the best you really need to prepare for the worst. Make sure you're protected financially and get some sound legal advice. You need to know your options to make good decisions.

Best of luck
 

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I want her to have her privacy. I know she has added a pass code to her phone. I know this because my son set it up and he told me about it.
Red Flag

If you pay the bill do you not have access to the detail as to what numbers she is calling/texting??

What is her reason for not going to counseling as a couple??
 

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Why don't you let her know that you don't feel it is appropriate, especially given the recent discovery, for either of you to withhold anything from each other. Demand complete transparency in the marriage (applicable to both parties). If she has nothing to hide, problem solved. If she puts up a fuss and refuses, problem identified.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Amp, I do see the numbers that she calls and texts to on the phone bill. No red flags anymore. I just get the feeling there is something.

Regarding counseling, I asked her why she wanted to go alone, and what did she have to say that she couldn't say in front of me. She says she can say things to the counselor that she is worried will hurt me.
 

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Oh my. I am sorry you are finding yourself in this situation.

First of all, those 1200 texts? We consider that an EA around here (emotional affair). In addition, the way you describe her behavior it appears she is still having that affair, it has escalated to a PA (physical affair) or she has started a new one.

TBG, I can't tell you how sorry I am you are here. Affair or no affair, you are hurting and being treated poorly and for that I am sorry.

What comes next is being said with love though you may not believe that...

If you don't start using the balls G-d gave you she is going to rip them all the way off. You need those, don't let them out of your sight again!

Through your love and desire for her you have presented yourself as a weak man who is willing to take any type of behavior in order to keep your marriage going. This is your fatal mistake and you must correct it immediately if you have any chance of saving your marriage.

Some would say that your next step should be finding out for sure whether she is having an affair or not. There are many ways you can do this. You can check her phone and computer. You can install keyloggers. You can even hire a private investigator. Securing your evidence first is your wisest move.

The reason it is so important to secure your evidence is that we betrayed spouses are usually so desparate for our marriages to be okay that we tend to believe almost anything at times. You must have no doubt in your own mind what is going on so she cannot turn it against you or state you are crazy.

Either way, affair or no affair, you need to stop letting her push you around especially if you want your marriage to survive.

You pack her bag and you tell her she has treated you like crap for long enough. You boot her arse out. YES YOU DO, if you want your marriage to survive. You need to show her you are the man. In addition, you must NOT leave the home. Not only can it be considered as abandoning your children (crazy huh?) but you may just be playing into her hand and that is not good in this case.

If you find out she is having an affair you tell everyone, especially the other man's (OM) wife! YES YOU DO, if you want to be sure to end the affair and create an atmosphere where remorse and rebuilding can possibly take place.

You need to read up here. At the top of this forum there are newbie links. Read them! The wise ones will be in soon and they have much more info than I do.

Please know you didn't do this. This is not your fault. You deserved more and if you put your foot down you may just find you get it. Good luck to you! *hugs*
 

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Could be your imagination or maybe not. The signs from her are there. Keep in mind someone else does not necessarily mean a physical affair in the traditional sense. It could be an emotional affair which is just as deadly in a marriage.

Has she changed patterns in life. Job, friends, habits... that coincide with this or did it appear to come up about the time she began working out? Does she work out at a gym or at home?
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Amp,
Patterns have definitely changed. Working out 3 and 4 days a week, outside of the home. I know she does it. I can see the results. She looks better than ever. The biggest change has been that she has reconnected with her life long best friend (a girl). Now, she spends at least an hour total everyday and exchanges at least 20 texts daily. This is part of my problem. Whatever she is telling her, she could be spending that energy on me.
 

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Don't discount the possibility of a pre-paid burner phone. They're cheap and easily concealed. I bought the beginning part of the story of her blameshifting stuff to you...that's right out of the handbook. What startles me is the working out and sex is "SO" off the table bit. That right there is such a huge red flag to me.

Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) is my thought. Get one at the store and buy some heavy duty velcro to put it under her driver seat in the car. THAT is the only way I think you're gonna find out what's really going on.
 

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She is going to seperate, while you are begging her to keep you, to stay with you, all the while she seperates for "space" or "time to think" and when she comes to the realization that she has become trash and has been dumped by OM she will ask you to come back, and she will consider it as her taking you back.

This is horrible, have none of that, you dont fix things by running away. Stop being a nice guy, it doesnt work, its been proven over and over on these forums that you cannot nice someone out of their cheating addiction. You need to stop clinging and stop the contact. Cancel phones, expose, make it as hard as possible for her to keep acting as if she was single without commitment or consequences
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Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) is my thought. Get one at the store and buy some heavy duty velcro to put it under her driver seat in the car. THAT is the only way I think you're gonna find out what's really going on.
A valid avenue, however check in to the laws in your state, jurisdiction.... Use of a VAR, cracking and monitoring her PC and other such methods may be illegal. Understand the law before you proceed.
 
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She might be hiding a second phone
Warlock is right. She could have a pay as you go phone stashed somewhere.

One other investigative tip is hide a VAR (voice activated recorder) under the seat of her car with heavy duty velcro. Cheaters feel safe talking in their cars.

Get the keylogger too. The sooner the better.

At this point, I wouldn't give a rats a$$ about her privacy. She violated any right to privacy when she stepped out of the marriage to carry on an emotional affair (at least) with her ex-BF
 
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