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My wife and I are arried for about 10 years. We have a child together.

We had great sex. We had a good sexlife and we often had sex sometimes a couple times a day or week.

Right before she got pregnant the sex became a few times a month or ones or twice a month. I tought maybe because we are having problems that she got pregnant and the stress level from my work was very high that my wife was suffering fron that stress. After some failed attemps and with medicacion she got pregnant and we where vere happy.. and we are still happy with our child.

After she give birth to our child 5 years ago the problems begun and it got worse.

To make the story short we did not have sex in like 4 to 5 months. We went to relationship therapy and we talk aboit the sex. Yes I like most of the man need to be romantic and I follow the suggestions of thentherapist to do somethings special and romantic. And so Id did that a few times.

But nothing. I was thinking to my self not to expext nothing and do it for the relationship and marrage.

But still after 5 to 6 months no sex.

Ecerytime I tried to approch her I get the cold shoulder. Now after like 5 months I got the courage to approch her and this time she let me come close to her and we had sex.

Ad the therapy session she mentiond to the theraist that she doesn't feel to have sex. And that she tries but she is not feeling nothing. And she does not want to talk about sex and love making.

A few days now every night that she goes to bed she mastrubates. I known that because we have a tv in de our bedroom and after we watch a show togetter she goes to bed and I will watch one show more before a go the bed. So when she goes to bed I start hearing that she rubs herself and moohns very qiutlty.

I'm sitting right there wanting to have sex, make love to my wife but can not go because I'm afraid that she turns me down like most of the times and that we going to have a realy big fight about it and that means our marrage will come to an end.

Nearly every night I go and mastrubates too. She knows it I do it because I open up to her at the therapist. I mastrube just to not go out and look for other women to have sex or feeling wanted.

What advice can anyone give me about my situation with my wife.
 

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You say that the therapist told you to do romantic things for your wife. What sort of things did you do?

How many hours a week to do spend with our wife in quality time, just the two of you without your child. What things do you do?
 

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I'm thinking the medication to get pregnant may have started her avoidance of sex ?

Masturbation fantasies are "perfect", and a human "skin-on" partner isn't. Plus, the masturbater has control of the fantasy, he/she can orchestrate and choreograph the whole thing... people who get involved in frequent masturbation are known to avoid "real" sex as a result.....

Their responses become trained to the fantasy, instead of the reality. It takes some "unlearning" and "re-learning" to get past this.
 

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From my experience sex during pregnancy, and sometimes after, can be vastly different -- i know, i have a 4th on the way.

Prior to the first, sex was almost daily. And even during the first pregnancy we still had regular, not as frequent, sex. After though there was a decline, but there was medical issues at play there. And it took nearly 4 years to get the straightened out. In that span we had a 2nd child, and it wasntuntil after his birth and a temporary seperation of parents from children that the medical issue was finally on the road to improvement. Obviously to have the 2nd we had sex, but i believe it was even less frequent. Honestly, we didn't think we'd even be able to conceive a 2nd. Imagine our surprise.

But during all that time, life was rough. My wife's medical condition was managed, but my eyes strayed because sex decreased. I flirted, kissed, but never got into a position to have sex with anyone else. Though, unlike your wife, mine didn't go off to masterbate. She never has, and likely never will.

Before i bore you with more, let me just get to my point. To me, if she's masturbating it means that she's still desiring sexual contact, or at the least gratification. Her body has gone through a major change, pregnancy, and now she's having to come to terms that her body isn't what it once was. She may not even know how to describe what she's feeling, just like my wife doesn't, so rather than be upfront about it, she secludes herself to do what she needs to feel better.

So, that's actually good news and, i believe, you need to take advantage of it. When she slips off to bed, follow her, maybe a dew minutes later when you know she's in bed and starting up. Then silently watch her. (This isn't creppy either, this is your wife, and what she is doing is healthy and beautiful. Why not watch?) Do this a couple times and see where it goes.

The point is to find a new way to connect. Maybe eventually discussing what she thinks about. There's a ton of things that could happen. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. The goal is to get her comfortable with her body again. If it's through masterbation then you're at least one step closer to resolution, and hopefully returning to a healthy sex life.

However, as i am reading these other stories, sexuality can, and has, changed in unexpected ways. So be prepared for that: a wife who may no longer desire her husband.
 

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This situation has the potential to cause the relationship to go toxic real quick if it teeters of the edge of the slippery slope it's on.

OP, this is imho because in observing actions observed and reported;
your W still has sexual urges and needs that she satisfies herself by masturbating but for some unknown reason she doesn't want to have sex with YOU.

That's the one sentence summary of the problem being addressed.

Her actions may actually be the problem or may be a symptom manifesting from a deeper core problem.

She knows you know she masturbates laying next to you. WHILE you're laying there ready, willing, and desiring to have sex with her.

This is one of the biggest most emphatic in your face FUs a W could do to her H.

Either/or/ or both; she's thoroughly demonstrating that she doesn't care a whit about your needs and doesn't care that you know that she doesn't care about your needs.

Whew.

So the gas to completely and quickly burn the house down has already been poured, just waiting for a heated moment spark to light it up.

Something else is going on. It's not a mental illness or physical illness that's causing this. Whoever unquestioningly believes that is only saying that to attempt to make you feel better.

Man, something else is going on here.

Maybe the next time she masturbates in bed, you do too, right there next to her.
 

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I'm trying to be supportive by pointing out a possible flaw, so the OP can look at YouPorn (or whatever it's called) to find some remedy to his affliction.
I don't recall anyone ever giving you the advice to look at porn to figure out your sexual flaws to help determine why your wife didn't want sex with you. Wow again.

OP talking to your wife about this is the first step.
 

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Maybe you are not that good in bed?
Folks are piling on to you here, but I'm willing to go on record as saying this is exactly why the choice between masturbation and sex with my wife is not a slam dunk.

Someone you love and find attractive can still completely fail to inspire you to want sex with them because they lack skill, technique, adventurousness, of some other necessary quality to keep you coming back.
 

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a
this is exactly why the choice between masturbation and sex with my wife is not a slam dunk.
I hear you. I avoided it in my first marriage. I would choose masturbation anytime, it wasn't because she was "bad in bed", it was because of her expressed opinion of me. I couldn't get past it. I had no desire to have sex with her, at all.

There can be a myriad of other reasons, too. Resentments, not feeling safe in it, painful intercourse, ..... you simply have to talk to your wife and get her to express her reasons.

I don't recommend porn. Keep sex between you and your wife. Others may have different opinions, but that's mine.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Well, ask her why she masturbates but doesn't want to have sex with you!
I'm want to amd will ask her sometime. I just want to see the advice everybody is writing. Amd from there take a desision

Tank you
 

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Discussion Starter #16
You say that the therapist told you to do romantic things for your wife. What sort of things did you do?

How many hours a week to do spend with our wife in quality time, just the two of you without your child. What things do you do?
Well to go out have a nice dinner. Go dancing.. all of that I did.
We live on an island in the caribean and we go out dancing on latin music lake salsa and merenge and many more.
Even on valantines day this year I took her out and she was suprised I did that. I will do everything in the house she wants me to do. Give her the attencion she needs and so on.
And none of those things I did helped. Not once she wanted to have sex.

Tank you for your feedback
 

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Discussion Starter #17
I'm thinking the medication to get pregnant may have started her avoidance of sex ?

Masturbation fantasies are "perfect", and a human "skin-on" partner isn't. Plus, the masturbater has control of the fantasy, he/she can orchestrate and choreograph the whole thing... people who get involved in frequent masturbation are known to avoid "real" sex as a result.....

Their responses become trained to the fantasy, instead of the reality. It takes some "unlearning" and "re-learning" to get past this.
Yes thay what Inwas thinking to.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
From my experience sex during pregnancy, and sometimes after, can be vastly different -- i know, i have a 4th on the way.

Prior to the first, sex was almost daily. And even during the first pregnancy we still had regular, not as frequent, sex. After though there was a decline, but there was medical issues at play there. And it took nearly 4 years to get the straightened out. In that span we had a 2nd child, and it wasntuntil after his birth and a temporary seperation of parents from children that the medical issue was finally on the road to improvement. Obviously to have the 2nd we had sex, but i believe it was even less frequent. Honestly, we didn't think we'd even be able to conceive a 2nd. Imagine our surprise.

But during all that time, life was rough. My wife's medical condition was managed, but my eyes strayed because sex decreased. I flirted, kissed, but never got into a position to have sex with anyone else. Though, unlike your wife, mine didn't go off to masterbate. She never has, and likely never will.

Before i bore you with more, let me just get to my point. To me, if she's masturbating it means that she's still desiring sexual contact, or at the least gratification. Her body has gone through a major change, pregnancy, and now she's having to come to terms that her body isn't what it once was. She may not even know how to describe what she's feeling, just like my wife doesn't, so rather than be upfront about it, she secludes herself to do what she needs to feel better.

So, that's actually good news and, i believe, you need to take advantage of it. When she slips off to bed, follow her, maybe a dew minutes later when you know she's in bed and starting up. Then silently watch her. (This isn't creppy either, this is your wife, and what she is doing is healthy and beautiful. Why not watch?) Do this a couple times and see where it goes.

The point is to find a new way to connect. Maybe eventually discussing what she thinks about. There's a ton of things that could happen. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. The goal is to get her comfortable with her body again. If it's through masterbation then you're at least one step closer to resolution, and hopefully returning to a healthy sex life.

However, as i am reading these other stories, sexuality can, and has, changed in unexpected ways. So be prepared for that: a wife who may no longer desire her husband.
Thank you fore your piont of view. I will take this and reflect on it.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
This situation has the potential to cause the relationship to go toxic real quick if it teeters of the edge of the slippery slope it's on.

OP, this is imho because in observing actions observed and reported;
your W still has sexual urges and needs that she satisfies herself by masturbating but for some unknown reason she doesn't want to have sex with YOU.

That's the one sentence summary of the problem being addressed.

Her actions may actually be the problem or may be a symptom manifesting from a deeper core problem.

She knows you know she masturbates laying next to you. WHILE you're laying there ready, willing, and desiring to have sex with her.

This is one of the biggest most emphatic in your face FUs a W could do to her H.

Either/or/ or both; she's thoroughly demonstrating that she doesn't care a whit about your needs and doesn't care that you know that she doesn't care about your needs.

Whew.

So the gas to completely and quickly burn the house down has already been poured, just waiting for a heated moment spark to light it up.

Something else is going on. It's not a mental illness or physical illness that's causing this. Whoever unquestioningly believes that is only saying that to attempt to make you feel better.

Man, something else is going on here.

Maybe the next time she masturbates in bed, you do too, right there next to her.
Well we had some moments that we were on the edge of separating.

I still feel that we are on the edge but walking very carefully not to fall off. But that means that we are realybcarefull what we say and how we say things to each amd in what moment.

And that is why I did not confront her yet.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Maybe you are not that good in bed?
Well nobody is perfect and I know I do my best to satisfy her.
During the good times and the sex live was great I will make her come manny times during sex in different ways.

But now there is nothing. Not even kissing during sex. She does not want to kiss.
 
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