[needguidance]

I made an agreement with my wife about a month or so ago that to help with fixing our relationship through our period of reconciling I said I wouldn't look at porn or masturbate. Those were two kind of go hand and hand when I did dumb stuff in the past. Anyway, tonight she went out with her friends, I was home alone with my son, soon as he fell asleep, that urge I had been craving all day hit me like a ton of bricks. I fell for it. I messed around and they got home earlier than I anticipated. Lol soon as I heard the door close I shut my laptop down and ran to the bathroom. I would have thought she was going to just chill with them in the livng room for a bit but she headed straight to the bedroom. I was in the bathroom trying to hurry and wipe my hands off but she saw the A and D ointment (best lube ever. You get the minty sensation plus protect if ur skin rips easy like mine). She had the look of anger and disappointment. She's been texting me these angry messages. I really didn't want to apologize but the only reason I did was because I did promise her that. Idk what happened. Its like it was just a couple of days ago we had sex but my motor has still been running since then. She was sick yesterday and I told her tonight to if she wanted anything to wake me up when she got back from being out. When she replied with "hahahahaha" I was like wtf! Replies like that automatically makes me think she takes it for a joke, not seriously, or she's not attracted to me to do such a thing after going out drinking. I'm so frustrated. Its like a catch 22. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. I wanted to tell her so bad that if she was providing sex daily then that's an agreement that's much easier to stick to. You can't expect a man to stop doing that when sex is still on a random schedule. What is a man to do?
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[*LittleDeer*]

What exactly happened in the past?

You should be able to madturbate if she doesn't want sex.

How often does she reject you?
Does she have resentment and trust issues because of something you did?

Why do you need to use porn? Masturbate without it if your wife doesn't like porn.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[needguidance]

Well I use to do it constantly, the two, when we first got married up until we split. I had an affair in the past with a woman quite sometime which she end up finding out about one night when I came home drunk out of my mind. She ended up talking to the woman eventually and she told my W everything under the sun that happened between us.

As far as the two, I use to do it out of resentment because my W wouldn't have sex with me. Sometimes she would fall asleep and I sneak into the living to rub one or two out. Sometimes she would wake up and see me, go back to bed angry. I felt like now if I removed both from the equasion I wouldn't be horny all the time and I wouldn't want to cheat or think of another woman. Porn really can have a negative effect on a relationship no matter how you see it or how strong you think you are.

Hmmm.... As of right now I couldn't really put a number on it. I've try to control my libido since we got back together so I don't initiate as often as I would or use to. I would say out of the times we had sex versus the times I tried prior to that, probably 65% of the time I got rejected. I mean I could blame bad timing but I just don't think she is sexually attracted to me like that yet. It has something to do with resentment from the past and who else knows what.

I used porn tonight because it gets me off quick and consistently. I know what I like and I know what satisfies my hunger when I need it. I only used cause I really wanted sex from her but that text reminded me of how I would send nude photos of myself and she either wouldn't reply or she would make a joke about the pic like my facial hair or something in the background. I just wish she would hurry and get there mentally. She always tells me you can't put a timeframe on reconciliation or how she grow to be who she was when we met. Idk what to do nemore.
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[YinPrincess]

Maybe she was mad because she realized she wasn't going to "get any" when she got home?
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[YinPrincess]

Hmm, well with the background info it definitely seems like there's a lot more going on than her just being mad that you looked at porn and masturbated. I imagine she feels her trust has been betrayed once more...

Also - I know how important sex is to a man but don't "blame" her for your actions... You are accountable for what you do... No one else made you do it... Including to agree to the conditions when you got back together. I gotta admit, I'd be more than peeved if I were in her shoes... :/
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[WorkingOnMe]

Maybe she was mad because she realized she wasn't going to "get any" when she got home?
Posted via Mobile Device

When he suggested they do it when she gets home she basically laughed in his face (via text). And he masturbated after. I probably would have done the same thing after that. But I wouldn't have apologized. I would have let her know exactly what I thought of her text though.

 

[YinPrincess]

I might have sent something like "Haha" to my own husband if he sent me a text like that... Maybe because I was distracted at the moment, or because I am shy and don't really know how to respond to forwardness... In either case, he didn't wait for her to come home and reject him in person, OR text her and tell her that he was feeling tempted... Communication is so important... :/
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[jaharthur]

Let's see. You masturbated constantly, had an affair. You admit that probably caused resentment and might explain her not being attracted to you. You did other unspecified "dumb stuff." The two of you split. Then, to reconcile, you made a promise of no porn and no masturbation. The first chance you get you break your promise.

If that's the best case you can make for yourself, I can only imagine what we'd hear as her side of the story. Based on what's here, I fully understand her anger.

 

[WyshIknew]

Maybe she was mad because she realized she wasn't going to "get any" when she got home?
Posted via Mobile Device

Yep that would do it.

I'm on a no masturbation 'rule'/request myself. It stems from an incident a little while ago when, as we were dropping off to sleep after a reasonably energetic bedtime session my wife said that she didn't think there would be any nookie the next day (can't remember the reason why).
I woke up horny, and normally knowing that I would get relief that night I would 'save myself' for later. However knowing that there was no relief to be had and not fancying walking around all day feeling horny (it can get uncomfortable) I serviced myself 2 or 3 times that day.
As luck would have it that night sex was on after all but she was horny and I had great difficulty performing. I eventually admitted to the masturbation and she made me promise not to masturbate anymore. She assured me that she wanted to take care of all my sexual needs and even if she was unwilling/unable to indulge in PIV sex she would always make sure I got the relief I need.

It has worked really well for us and very often when she starts handling my penis it turns her on and we end up having sex anyway, so win win.

I'm not sure if needguidance would be able to work something like that out with his wife as reading quickly through his posts it seems that following EA's on both sides his wife went from HD to L/MD. However it might be worth bringing it up with her.

Although I think one of the problems is that porn/masturbation can be a little bit like an addiction.

 

[old pilot]

I ran out in the backyard and masterbated 3 times. when the dust settled I got a standing ovation from the roofers working next door.

 

[waiwera]

I ran out in the backyard and masterbated 3 times. when the dust settled I got a standing ovation from the roofers working next door.

:lol: LOL!
Funniest thing I've read in....ages !!

Geez...OP it is YOUR body you can do with it what you like.

Having said that I can empathize with her dissapointment upon coming home and finding you already 'spent' for the evening....

:sleeping:


:sleeping:




:sleeping:

 

[*LittleDeer*]

You cheated.

For me that would take many years and a lot of proof of change and trust to even begin to get over it.

To me and many women a good sex life starts with trust.

You continue to betray her trust by doing things you have a greed not to do.

if you feel you can't live without masturbation, then don't agree to not masturbate. Dont' be a pushover or doormat, just to have peace, but be aware that you need to compromise, and consider her needs and the situation you have created.

Stop using porn. Just stop. If you are having trouble alone, there are websites that can help you and go to counseling.

 

[YinPrincess]

Yep that would do it.

I'm on a no masturbation 'rule'/request myself. It stems from an incident a little while ago when, as we were dropping off to sleep after a reasonably energetic bedtime session my wife said that she didn't think there would be any nookie the next day (can't remember the reason why).
I woke up horny, and normally knowing that I would get relief that night I would 'save myself' for later. However knowing that there was no relief to be had and not fancying walking around all day feeling horny (it can get uncomfortable) I serviced myself 2 or 3 times that day.
As luck would have it that night sex was on after all but she was horny and I had great difficulty performing. I eventually admitted to the masturbation and she made me promise not to masturbate anymore. She assured me that she wanted to take care of all my sexual needs and even if she was unwilling/unable to indulge in PIV sex she would always make sure I got the relief I need.

It has worked really well for us and very often when she starts handling my penis it turns her on and we end up having sex anyway, so win win.

I'm not sure if needguidance would be able to work something like that out with his wife as reading quickly through his posts it seems that following EA's on both sides his wife went from HD to L/MD. However it might be worth bringing it up with her.

Although I think one of the problems is that porn/masturbation can be a little bit like an addiction.

:iagree:

This has happened a few times between myself and my husband - where he has not wanted to "bother" me and has done his own thing, thinking he wouldn't get any action. The truth is, I very rarely take anything sexual completely off the table. Even if I'm mad at him, there is something he could do or say (besides "revenge masturbation"). I prefer it to be that way, since, as other posters have mentioned, once you're "spent" sex is probably off the table for awhile.

2 or 3 times in one day?? My gosh! :blush: lol
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[Maricha75]

:lol: LOL!
Funniest thing I've read in....ages !!

Geez...OP it is YOUR body you can do with it what you like.

Having said that I can empathize with her dissapointment upon coming home and finding you already 'spent' for the evening....

:sleeping:


:sleeping:




:sleeping:

Ordinarily, I would agree with the fact that it's his body and he can masturbate if he wants. However, in this case, he made the promise, ridiculous as it was, to his wife that he would not masturbate. He did it anyway. It isn't about the act, it's about trust...and the fact that he can't keep a promise. Rather than admit to his wife that he "can't" stop, he just went ahead and did it. I would have no problem with my husband masturbating. However, if he made a promise to me, for whatever reason, that he wouldn't and then did it anyway, behind my back, I'd be pissed too. I think OP needs to have a talk about this with his wife.

 

[40isthenew20]

Considering that you have already stepped out once on her and she turns down your sexual requests, she should be glad that you're jerkin off and not cheating again.

If the masturbation gets in the way of your sexual performance, then it becomes an issue. If nor, it's merely a survival tactic for us horny guys.

 

[Maricha75]

Considering that you have already stepped out once on her and she turns down your sexual requests, she should be glad that you're jerkin off and not cheating again.

If the masturbation gets in the way of your sexual performance, then it becomes an issue. If nor, it's merely a survival tactic for us horny guys.

Again, except for the fact that HE MADE THE PROMISE IN THE FIRST PLACE! Stupid promise, I know. But he did it. Not her fault that he can't keep a promise...nor is it her fault that he couldn't be bothered to tell her "This I can't do. I don't want to cheat on you. This is the alternative." He didn't do that. He did it when he was certain she wasn't going to be home any time soon, and she showed up anyway. He tried to hide it from her. Bad move on his part.

 

[Plan 9 from OS]

I think most people are missing the boat on this. The OP is addicted to porn and masturbation. Not everyone can handle pornography use without becoming addicted to it. As with most addictions, you will always want to crave more and more. As such, the OP probably used porn as a gateway to an actual physical affair. Without knowing a lot about his marital history, I'm guessing that his wife turns him down for sex more because of the porn use and the physical affair as opposed to her being simply LD. That's what I took from this post anyways.

 

[PBear]

Again, except for the fact that HE MADE THE PROMISE IN THE FIRST PLACE! Stupid promise, I know. But he did it. Not her fault that he can't keep a promise...nor is it her fault that he couldn't be bothered to tell her "This I can't do. I don't want to cheat on you. This is the alternative." He didn't do that. He did it when he was certain she wasn't going to be home any time soon, and she showed up anyway. He tried to hide it from her. Bad move on his part.

This. Plus the fact that they have multiple issues that they're trying to resolve (apparently) by sweeping them under the rug. Like rather than dealing with some of the root causes, they'll just stop the negative behaviours and pretend everything is better.

For right now though... If you want to rebuild her trust in you, you have to follow through on any promises or commitments you make to her. If you say you'll be home at 6, don't come strolling in 2 hours later. If you promised no contact with your AP, then you better not initiate ANY contact with her. And if you promise you won't spank your monkey, then keep it in your pants. If you can't do that, then don't promise it. If she doesn't like that you won't promise that, then deal with the reason why she wants you to promise that. IMHO, she has no right to ask you not to choke your chicken if she rejects you sexually. She gets "right of first refusal", but that's where her rights end. But that was before you cheated on her, and before your promise.

C

 

[Hicks]

you shouldn't promise not to masturbate unless she promises to take care of your sexually needs daily (or whatever your mastrubation frequency is)...

A woman who asks this has no understanding of what her husband needs.... Who do you expect will teach her this? That ought to be you.

 

[PBear]

I think most people are missing the boat on this. The OP is addicted to porn and masturbation. Not everyone can handle pornography use without becoming addicted to it. As with most addictions, you will always want to crave more and more. As such, the OP probably used porn as a gateway to an actual physical affair. Without knowing a lot about his marital history, I'm guessing that his wife turns him down for sex more because of the porn use and the physical affair as opposed to her being simply LD. That's what I took from this post anyways.

There's a world of difference between "can't" stop masturbating and "won't" stop masturbating. Until he's been diagnosed with and is in therapy for a sexual addiction, my vote is for he won't stop. Sexual addictions are an easy copout. And unless you're getting help for it, the results are the same anyway.

C