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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Okay..My wife and I separated in June of 2011 until September og this year(2012). We Had a rocky year before we separated, but never had intimacy problems, never had attraction issues with either of each other...She lost 80 pounds or more when we split, and was dating a guy for the whole time..she left him to come back, and is very close to me..very affectionate, happy, and things are alot different this time around. Before we split I was weighin in at over 320 pounds, but was in great shape for 4 years of our relationship..now Im down around 250 and am still losing but she just recently told me and I'm going to quote her.."I love you so much and I don't want to lose you..I love being with you, kissing you, cuddling you, and i think about you all the time. you're so adorable and comfortable and cut, but you're like my teddy bear and I don't feel the sexual attraction." She is not even sure why and is also upset about it, but it took me a few days for it to settle in. We had never had an issue with this..EVER..
she says if i lose some weight it would help..I absolutely agree and AM doing that, but there's a part of me thats like..soooooo I have to be chiseled and skinny for you to have sexual feelings for me? and moreso because it was never an issue before we separated..trust me on that i know thats true..I'm not like morbidly obese..im kinda tall...anyways. Since we got back together though our roles have somewhat changed..it used to be me that was unaffectionate and liked to be alone and was ****y and selfish and wouldn't cuddle her or be very supportive..and she was up my butt all the time..meeting me at the door when id get off work.
Always wanting to be around me..and now its somewhat the opposite..We do communicate everyday and are very much open about what we talk about..nothing held back..not rude or mean, just honest and open..This has helped alot, by the way.
While I'm workin on losing the weight I dont know what things we can do to try and rekindle that fire. Neither of us want to call it quits AT ALL. and we have both been trying to come up with things we could do to maybe spark that flame again..

lastly, we dont live together and we have a 3 year old son who lives with me...any suggestions or advice would be appreciated. I know some will say we need to quit, but I don't quit and we are both equally concerned and WANT to try and get through it
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
We are not even considering that until we are at a comfort level with our relationship that it would do justice..She's falling hard as am I, but I'm not letting go of reality, unless were both sure we are ready..I was told doing new things, different things together could help, but Im not sure what and while she says shes fine with doing the "do". I really dont want to if shes not into it. And were kind of stuck on what we should do to get through it
 

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OK this may hurt a bit but worth looking into.....

She loves you but isn't in love with you.....
She dated a guy for the 15 months you were apart
You don't live together right now
Your son lives with you

If I were you, I'd look into the possibility she has a few other "irons" in her fire. She may feel all content and happy with you but she may be seeking her "thrills" elswhere. Does she get any financial support from you right now? Do you have access to her cell ohone bill? Do you pay for the phone or anything else like car insurance or payments of any type? If so, you may just be her ATM
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
she pays me child support..i dont pay her anything for anything.I take her out. I buy our kids clothes, food, daycare, and on and on and on. AND as far as seeing someone for her THRILLS..I cannot reveal HOW I know..but I am literally 100% sure she isn't gettin taken care of by anyone else..She's the world's worst liar..she is incredibly predictable, and I know how she operates..it's weird..i dont say it to sound weird or ****y..I just KNOW her inside and out and always have..She knows this too and is completely forward with me..I knew about the things that tore apart our relationship long before she had told me..and when we actually had the conversation about how much I really knew..it was the best thing I ever did..It wasnt to gloat or make her feel bad..i just wanted her to know she sucks at hiding things and shes not clever..She actually got closer to me than shes ever been after we had our REAL heart to heart about the past
 

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Since we got back together though our roles have somewhat changed..it used to be me that was unaffectionate and liked to be alone and was ****y and selfish and wouldn't cuddle her or be very supportive..
Go back to being that way...

and she was up my butt all the time..meeting me at the door when id get off work.
And she will go back to being that way.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
while i somewhat agree..its weird..I dont wanna be unaffectionate..I had anger problems before and depression issues..as does she...Ive learned to cope with my problems and I really FEEL not only what things caused the relationship to go sour the first time but how self centered I was..Since Ive been being more supportive and affectionate and stuff Ive felt better...while I also realize that it might be the fact that I dont pose any threat or give her a challenge..I dont know
 

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Maybe she wants you to be her gay BFF and roommate. But apparently, not your lover. To me, that would be an unacceptable compromise in a marriage.

What's she done to work through her issues that caused her to want to run off with someone else for a year? I don't know your background, so forgive me if that's an unfair summary. What have you two done as a couple to resolve the issues you had?

C
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
we were together for 5 years married for 3 of them..We lived together..we raised a child..her son, my stepson..I was very close with her mother(her only family). Our issues didnt begin until i took her away from her mother to South Carolina from New York..She hated living there, but her mother was all she had and unfortunately her mother was dying and she had just had our first child together..We needed money for our kids..new vehicles, new jobs and a better opportunity for a better life..We agreed to the move but she resented me for it, but out of the move she got her GED went to college, got an awesome Job from that and became successfull..ish..She was given the opportunity to succeed..I as well, gained better employment..already had a degree..3 of them actually. and we were doing better..when we moved into our first home is when it all went down hill..we didnt see each other...started resenting each other more..started losing trust and being suspicious of one another and then she did some things and it went so far south that ANTARCTICA would look like hawaii, if you get the metaphor...it was a terrible split of EPIC proportions...fast forward 9 months and we started talking again..literally we didnt speak for 9 months..but when we did it was like everything we did and didnt do came to light and we both were immediately changing the things that made everything go bad and problems that were existent prior to everything. Here's what I know..The past is over..we've had some revelations with each other and have talked about in detail why it happened what happened and we were able to reestablish a connection..so after a few months of talking..she upo and left her boyfriend and came to me and was like i wanna be with you and only you and i wanna fix us..i love you and so on. I was more than surprised so I "investigated" before i gave an answer. i did though and we had set forth things that we both had to fix or change for it to work and for it to happen..stipulations..only after those stipulations were met and we could learn to compromise and be open and honest would I be good to go..low and behold it actually happened..the things we talked about had been put into action and were taken care of...the biggest thing is we dont argue..no matter how messed up it is we talk about it with no judgement..we talk about why and we talk about how to fix whatever issue is at hand..it has been an eyeopener for both of us..as far as this goes..we had sex once a couple weeks ago, but like halfway through I just caught this feeling like it was awkward and she wasnt into it like she used to be..and then last monday she told me what was up and that she didnt like that she was feeling that way or not feeling rather...and that she wants to fix it..she says she feels normal..like an old married couple..she feels like the separation never happened and were just back to the same old routines..this is partly true, but I do try to do things different..be more active with her, but shes not really like active like me..i like playin football in the yard and walking and stuff and doing active productive things..she does too..just not like I do..which is weird cause I weigh 110 pounds more than her
 

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That's how tall my husband is. Right now I think he weighs perhaps 188 pounds. He looks great, but he thinks he looks even better at around 175-180 pounds. I don't think I've ever seen him go over 200 pounds and I can't imagine him at 250 pounds. I would still love him at 250 pounds, but my sexual attraction would be definitely affected.
 

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while i somewhat agree..its weird..I dont wanna be unaffectionate..I had anger problems before and depression issues..as does she...Ive learned to cope with my problems and I really FEEL not only what things caused the relationship to go sour the first time but how self centered I was..Since Ive been being more supportive and affectionate and stuff Ive felt better...while I also realize that it might be the fact that I dont pose any threat or give her a challenge..I dont know
Some women need to test your boundaries and see that you can/will defend them in order to feel attraction. It sounds like the new affectionate you is being received in the wrong way, like a teddy bear?

Try being sexual rather than affectionate. If she doesn't respond to you sexually then you shouldn't be in a sexual relationship (marriage) together.

Your other option of course is to find a woman that needs and wants the affection that the "new you" can provide. But it sounds pretty clear to me that your current wife was attracted to the p!ssy aloof bad boy routine, not the affectionate teddy bear routine.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
well see while we were apart i tried to do that..to find someone who I could be like that with..granted it wasnt a real long time..Nobody could surpass my wife..not even compare..its hard to explain WHY I feel the way I do about my wife..Im extremely stubborn and hard headed..Im well aware..I dont believe in "improbability" or "impossible"...theyre not in my personal dictionary. Sounds childish or immature but its the FEELING I believe in and Id pretty much do anything to defend it
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Im sorry east2west....I meant to say in that last reply that I haven't had the desire to be the person I am now with anyone else..In fact, before we got back together..I was kind of a D*&K while I was dating...not a total jerk, just shallow and like the old person I was..I wasn't feeling any reason to be better with anyone else..like it didnt matter to me. My wife is the only one who's ever been able to bring that part of me out.
 

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I agree with what others have posted about your weight. You made a comment about her wanting you to be "chisled" to want you? Listen...at 250 pounds you are WAY over weight. I am taller than you and weigh 30 pounds less.....and I have a belly. I am not attracted to fat.....your wife may not be either.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
she doesnt want me chiseled, i shouldnt have said that..and no....our son lives with me..my stepson lives with his father now in new york......and that happened due to financial problems when we split, as far as my stepson goes..hes 8..our son is 3....as far as weight loss. goes..Ive been steadily losing weight...I agree with that part to an EXTENT...but Ive always had a belly, and she didnt have an issue with it before..my problem with it is..she lost all this weight and its developed like a complex or something
 

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Do you know what the man she was seeing while you were seperated looked like? It's quite possible your body never bothered her before but now that she was with a man who didn't have a belly or whatever now it does. That exact thing happened to me. I don't want to sound negative but I don't know if there is any going back. Have you asked her why it bothers her now and before it didn't? It also can have to do with the fact that before she was heavy and now she isn't so her tastes/preferences have changed. It isn't right but it is what it is.
 
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