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I'm new here. My name is Ian. Given the fact that when I got hurt 6 years ago I kinda stopped talking to most people I really don't have anyone to talk to I just tried to find a place where I could talk about whats going on with me.

My wife and I have been married since 2017. We have been together for 5 years. We have a 1 child together and she has 2 from a previous relationship. They are mind I have adopted them and nothing will ever change that. So early in the relationship during a period we were fighting my wife or GF at the time ended up sleeping with one of her coworkers. 2 days after her getting hurt walking into work I found out about it. She expressed guilt about it and she said she didn't wanna lose me. I was head over heels for her and those kids at this point so I stayed with her.

Shortly after we got into a car accident and she hurt her neck, During the process to get testing done for it we found out she was pregnant. This prolonged the pain and suffering for her. Given that I decided to not talk to her about the cheating and try to move on which I now see as a mistake.

Just wanted some questions answered and whatever else to help me move on. I did forgive her but I was having hard time moving on. We suffered because of it. I have made stupid comments over the time about coworkers and cheating and whatever else and when she would go out with all of her coworkers it attacked me emotionally and I wasn't very kind to her about it. I would ignore her texts or maybe just be angry when she got home and that is completely my fault.

I will note that when she was going out with any coworkers the one she cheated with was gone. He had left before she went back to work.

Move forward to 2017 I asked her to marry me and we got married. I ended up adopting her children as my own and while I was still having issues in the back of my mind with the cheating Was trying to move on.

About 6 months ago I found out by accident that late at night she was texting someone when I was out of the room or during the day while at work it was an all day thing. I confronted her and wasn't angry I had kept myself together about it ad she explained who it was and why she did it. Nothing sexual just someone to talk to and she didn't wanna tell me beavsue of how I might react. Its an elderly gentleman that is part of a union associated with her job. I overcame my initial anger and saw that she needed this person because I wasn't being the person she needed me to be. That hurt me.

My wife has always had a issue opening up to me its just the kinda person she is. She holds things back or ignores them and hopes it goes away. Her words not mine. It does create some issues but we have been trying to work on it.

After the hidden relationship came out which I feel was wrong but I tried to understand she did start opening up to me and we actually talked about the cheating which of course I could get much info because she claimed to not remember and tried to block it out. Regardless of that It really helped me and ever since then I've tried to just be a good husband try to do everything that was needed of me which I can say hasn't always been the case and Im still not perfect and still need to work on some things but I was trying.

I am still working on a head injury which sometimes makes it difficult for me to remember things and I have a habit of saying things to my wife that while I don't see as wrong or with intent to hurt but she doesn't like and causes her pain. Due to the fact I sometimes forget and she doesn't talk to me it has become a problem. every couple of months she would come at me with a bunch of things i have said or done that is causing her pain and unhappiness but I don't remember half of it and its a tough situation all around. But since the hidden relationship came out I've been trying to be more vocal with her and to a degree her with me.

I have asked many time since then is everything ok? are you happy? she would say she loves me and I would ask are you sure? is there anything I need to do?

The answers were always so positive and I thought we were finally moving on.

BUT we haven't had sex in over a year. Now I love sex and I love my wife and I think she is the most beautiful women I have ever seen but It was slowly killing me inside not being able to touch her. I have been trying to reignite that spark between us but its been hard. and she has been trying a bit as well but she is very guarded and I was still getting nothing from her. We have talked about it and its because of a mix of things. Multiple injuries, Neck, Back, and hip. and she was diagnosed with RA a few years ago and she's been going through a lot with that. And of course me. she still sees the hurtful things i have said to her and how I was acting after the cheating and having a hard time letting go. I can't blame her I did the same thing. No matter what I stood by her and was trying to be there for her but yes the lack of intimacy any intimacy was taking a toll.

I will note some of the things my wife says bothered her were just stupid comments I would make and she would usually just send me a roll her eyes emoji or something like that but never said to at that time it was a issue. Mostly sexual comments.... How much I like her butt or where I wanna kiss her. Few weeks ago she told me she was leaving work and she was dropping a female coworker home and I said don't forget to send pics... My intention was just to get her to laugh at me or send one of those faces because I kinda just saw it as our thing and didn't know it was causing her unhappiness. She never said anything after just sent an emoji and that was the end of it.

For the past 2 months I was confiding in an old friend who is female. she as all having some issues in her relationship. Her man didn't wanna touch her was calling her fat and whatever else. Most of the conversation was normal but a few times maybe 3 or 4 we said some things that should not have been said. I am asshamed to admit it but it happened and i don't know why I did I think at the time just made me feel good to be wanted. I never have touched her and really didn't want to just felt good for a bit. My wife saw one of the messages while on the computer one day and the day she left and said she's been unhappy for a long time said she doesn't want me anymore and she's not coming back.

That was 3 weeks ago this sunday and while she has stated a few times that maybe she will come back she has also stated that she doesn't wanna work it out. We are being civil towards each other and kids and bills and whatever and I'm still trying to be there for what she needs. I am in extreme emotional and physical pain over this and I just want my family back. I do have the kids most of the time becasue of her work schedule but when they are not here like now I can't take it. I am not someone who expresses himself often and I do try to keep things locked up but right now I can't seem to do it.

I will say that she has accused me of over time calling her fat which has caused her pain and that's is one thing I will deny until I die because I have never said that directly to her in the way she is describing. Usually she will be laying in bed calling herself fat and yes I may make a joke to go along with it just tog et her to give me a funny face but right after I would usually come over and tell her to stop saying that because she is beautiful or I would say yes you are PHAT (pretty hot and tempting) heard it in a move once to the same result but the words your fat and need to lose weight or anything like that have never left my mouth like that.
And this is were the issue of not saying something at the time and holding things back creates a problem my mind.

Im sorry that I wrote so much and ive rambled and I understand if no one repsonds. Kinda just needed a place to write it down and get it out.
 

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Also I think because of everything she is going through I think it adds to the feelings she has towards me. Maybe its not true but between injuries and diseases and just life in general I think maybe it magnifies things and feelings towards me. Maybe Im wrong but I hope Im not.

Some of her coworkers say horrible things about her and other women there sexual comments and in some cases there is one or 2 of the guys that comments on her medical status. Making fun of her issues and the fact that she has a handicap parking permit because of it. She has talked to many people about it and then it gets better then they start up again. Next step is to go above someone but either way I think that adds to it and that's not something I can control or that I see as my fault. Its something that angers me and something I wanna be there to help her with.
 

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Welcome to TAM. But sorry that you are going through a hard time.

It sounds like you do not have a friends or family who you can rely on for emotional support. Is that right?

Have you considered counseling for both of your, or at least for yourself?
 

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Also I think because of everything she is going through I think it adds to the feelings she has towards me. Maybe its not true but between injuries and diseases and just life in general I think maybe it magnifies things and feelings towards me. Maybe Im wrong but I hope Im not.

Some of her coworkers say horrible things about her and other women there sexual comments and in some cases there is one or 2 of the guys that comments on her medical status. Making fun of her issues and the fact that she has a handicap parking permit because of it. She has talked to many people about it and then it gets better then they start up again. Next step is to go above someone but either way I think that adds to it and that's not something I can control or that I see as my fault. Its something that angers me and something I wanna be there to help her with.
What sort of work does your wife do? If that's going on at her work, it's completely unacceptable.
 

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Welcome to TAM. But sorry that you are going through a hard time.

It sounds like you do not have a friends or family who you can rely on for emotional support. Is that right?

Have you considered counseling for both of your, or at least for yourself?

Thank you. I do know lots of people but due to my injuries i have chosen not to talk to any of them in a long time and I wouldn't know where to start anyway. I do have my mom and dad but I don't think ill go the route either. If you can't tell i I have a hard time opening up to people. My wife is the first person ive opened up to and that hasn't seemed to help.

I have considered reaching out to someone and will be looking into it. I have asked her if she would consider it and she said she doesn't think it would help. I would have at least would have liked to try.
 

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While I understand that you are 50% responsible for what has happened in the relationship, she is 100% responsible for cheating.
Cheaters don't cheat because you didn't do something right or perfectly. They cheat because they are cheaters.
Please don't buy that bullshit. She is trying to blame you for her actions.

Others will give you better advice but you need to stop trying to be perfect. You will never be perfect enough for a cheater. There will always be some excuse. She has no personal boundaries.

What she is experiencing at work is bullying and workplace harassment. She has to report it to a superior at work or the Labour board.
 

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What sort of work does your wife do? If that's going on at her work, it's completely unacceptable.
She works for the post office. And yes its horrible its usually just the same 2 people and they get spoken to and its good for while but then starts up again. She has told me if it happens again she will file something against the 1 guy who does it the most. The other one just kinda joins in or just takes things to far when other people are joking around. I spoke to her for over an hour today on the phone while she was working and she told me he hasn't even said anything to her in over a week.

I agree its unacceptable and its given me anxiety over it because I can't do anything. I do think that mixed with medical issues take part in all the things she's feeling but i could be wrong.
 

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While I understand that you are 50% responsible for what has happened in the relationship, she is 100% responsible for cheating.
Cheaters don't cheat because you didn't do something right or perfectly. They cheat because they are cheaters.
Please don't buy that bullsh*t. She is trying to blame you for her actions.

Others will give you better advice but you need to stop trying to be perfect. You will never be perfect enough for a cheater. There will always be some excuse. She has no personal boundaries.

What she is experiencing at work is bullying and workplace harassment. She has to report it to a superior at work or the Labour board.
She never blamed me for cheating but for how I acted because of it. I can accept some of that blame but she also wasn't very good at talking to me so I don't think that helped. Its my fault that I never tried to talk to her about it right away. I choose to try let it go and I shouldn't have.

That was years ago and since i found out about the texting relationship we did talk about it. That relationship hurt me given that she was talking to him instead of me but I tried to understand. I thought I was doing better that's for sure. I can't help the fact that If I ask her if she's happy and she says yes but is lying to me, and the feelings that go along with it.
 

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And yes its workplace harassment but she says she is dealing with it. I just can't help but think that is having an effect on her feelings towards me or her feelings overall.
 

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Im sorry that I wrote so much and ive rambled and I understand if no one repsonds. Kinda just needed a place to write it down and get it out.
Sir, l see your other post about wanting to take some blame. Not a good thing to do. If bad enough she should have divorce you. But above is a possibility if the lack of intimacy, not assertive enough, even here amoug us here already apologizing for writing your hurt. You must change your attitude. To passive and not being yourself.
 

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I'm new here. My name is Ian. Given the fact that when I got hurt 6 years ago I kinda stopped talking to most people I really don't have anyone to talk to I just tried to find a place where I could talk about whats going on with me.

My wife and I have been married since 2017. We have been together for 5 years. We have a 1 child together and she has 2 from a previous relationship. They are mind I have adopted them and nothing will ever change that. So early in the relationship during a period we were fighting my wife or GF at the time ended up sleeping with one of her coworkers. 2 days after her getting hurt walking into work I found out about it. She expressed guilt about it and she said she didn't wanna lose me. I was head over heels for her and those kids at this point so I stayed with her. I think you see now how big of a mistake it was to accept her and her kids after her cheating, especially since it looks like you rug-swept.

Shortly after we got into a car accident and she hurt her neck, During the process to get testing done for it we found out she was pregnant. just to make sure, did you DNA test?This prolonged the pain and suffering for her. Given that I decided to not talk to her about the cheating and try to move on which I now see as a mistake. Yup HUGE mistake.

Just wanted some questions answered and whatever else to help me move on. I did forgive her but I was having hard time moving on. We suffered because of it. I have made stupid comments over the time about coworkers and cheating and whatever else and when she would go out with all of her coworkers it attacked me emotionally and I wasn't very kind to her about it. I would ignore her texts or maybe just be angry when she got home and that is completely my fault. After what she did with a co-worker, she NEVER should have gone out with them without you. EVER.

I will note that when she was going out with any coworkers the one she cheated with was gone. He had left before she went back to work. Doesn't matter, she should NOT have been going out with them, especially if guys were making comments about her (as you mention below)

Move forward to 2017 I asked her to marry me and we got married. I ended up adopting her children as my own and while I was still having issues in the back of my mind with the cheating Was trying to move on. YOU should be going to counseling to find out why you rug-swept and accepted this so easily.
You sound a bit like a KISA.

About 6 months ago I found out by accident that late at night she was texting someone when I was out of the room or during the day while at work it was an all day thing. I confronted her and wasn't angry !!!?? WHY NOT ??? You already knew she cheated on you, and here she was doing it again????? I had kept myself together about it ad she explained who it was and why she did it. Nothing sexual just someone to talk to and she didn't wanna tell me beavsue of how I might react. Yeah, because you might have realized she was cheating again. Its an elderly gentleman that is part of a union associated with her job. I overcame my initial anger and saw that she needed this person because I wasn't being the person she needed me to be. That hurt me. BS -- she was cheating -- at LEAST an EA. Age didn't matter, you should never have accepted this.

My wife has always had a issue opening up to me its just the kinda person she is. She holds things back or ignores them and hopes it goes away. Her words not mine. It does create some issues but we have been trying to work on it. So she won't open up to YOU but is ok opening up to an "elderly gentleman" and her co-worker??? BS again. She is BSing you -- and you need t realize it.

After the hidden relationship came out which I feel was wrong but I tried to understand she did start opening up to me and we actually talked about the cheating which of course I could get much info because she claimed to not remember and tried to block it out. Again, BS -- she remembers EVERYTHING about it, but just doesn't want you to be pissed even more when you find out what she did, how frequently, etc.. Regardless of that It really helped me and ever since then I've tried to just be a good husband try to do everything that was needed of me which I can say hasn't always been the case and Im still not perfect and still need to work on some things but I was trying.

I am still working on a head injury which sometimes makes it difficult for me to remember things and I have a habit of saying things to my wife that while I don't see as wrong or with intent to hurt but she doesn't like and causes her pain. Due to the fact I sometimes forget and she doesn't talk to me it has become a problem. every couple of months she would come at me with a bunch of things i have said or done that is causing her pain and unhappiness but I don't remember half of it and its a tough situation all around. But since the hidden relationship came out I've been trying to be more vocal with her and to a degree her with me. Are you 100% sure everything is over? I'm guessing she is using the head injury as an excuse and just went further underground.

I have asked many time since then is everything ok? are you happy? she would say she loves me and I would ask are you sure? is there anything I need to do?

The answers were always so positive and I thought we were finally moving on.

BUT we haven't had sex in over a year. WHY? Because she is still worried about her OM.Now I love sex and I love my wife and I think she is the most beautiful women I have ever seen but It was slowly killing me inside not being able to touch her. I have been trying to reignite that spark between us but its been hard. and she has been trying a bit as well but she is very guarded and I was still getting nothing from her. We have talked about it and its because of a mix of things. Multiple injuries, Neck, Back, and hip. and she was diagnosed with RA a few years ago and she's been going through a lot with that. And of course me. she still sees the hurtful things i have said to her Oh boo hoo --- SHE is the one who cheated, and just wanted you to accept it and shut up/not talk about it. Tough for her. and how I was acting after the cheating and having a hard time letting go. How could you let it go -- you rug swept and never got details/etc to get past it. I can't blame her I did the same thing. No matter what I stood by her and was trying to be there for her but yes the lack of intimacy any intimacy was taking a toll.

I will note some of the things my wife says bothered her were just stupid comments I would make and she would usually just send me a roll her eyes emoji or something like that but never said to at that time it was a issue. Mostly sexual comments.... How much I like her butt or where I wanna kiss her. Few weeks ago she told me she was leaving work and she was dropping a female coworker home and I said don't forget to send pics... My intention was just to get her to laugh at me or send one of those faces because I kinda just saw it as our thing and didn't know it was causing her unhappiness. She never said anything after just sent an emoji and that was the end of it.

For the past 2 months I was confiding in an old friend who is female. she as all having some issues in her relationship. Her man didn't wanna touch her was calling her fat and whatever else. Most of the conversation was normal but a few times maybe 3 or 4 we said some things that should not have been said. I am asshamed to admit it but it happened and i don't know why I did I think at the time just made me feel good to be wanted. I never have touched her and really didn't want to just felt good for a bit. My wife saw one of the messages while on the computer one day and the day she left and said she's been unhappy for a long time said she doesn't want me anymore and she's not coming back. What you did was wrong, but she had a PA with a co-worker, NEVER worked with you to get past that, and NOW she's hurt?
She is just using this as an excuse to make YOU look like the bad guy for breaking up.

That was 3 weeks ago this sunday and while she has stated a few times that maybe she will come back she has also stated that she doesn't wanna work it out. We are being civil towards each other and kids and bills and whatever and I'm still trying to be there for what she needs. I am in extreme emotional and physical pain over this and I just want my family back. I do have the kids most of the time becasue of her work schedule but when they are not here like now I can't take it. Document all of the time that you have the kids vs her -- you will need it for custody arrangements. I am not someone who expresses himself often and I do try to keep things locked up but right now I can't seem to do it.

I will say that she has accused me of over time calling her fat which has caused her pain and that's is one thing I will deny until I die because I have never said that directly to her in the way she is describing. Usually she will be laying in bed calling herself fat and yes I may make a joke to go along with it just tog et her to give me a funny face but right after I would usually come over and tell her to stop saying that because she is beautiful or I would say yes you are PHAT (pretty hot and tempting) heard it in a move once to the same result but the words your fat and need to lose weight or anything like that have never left my mouth like that.
And this is were the issue of not saying something at the time and holding things back creates a problem my mind.

Im sorry that I wrote so much and ive rambled and I understand if no one repsonds. Kinda just needed a place to write it down and get it out.
I really think that she is manipulating you -- you rug swept the first cheating, and I would not be surprised if she is cheating again -- look at her phone if you can (without her knowing) -- look at your phone records, etc.. I think you are being played here.
 

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I really think that she is manipulating you -- you rug swept the first cheating, and I would not be surprised if she is cheating again -- look at her phone if you can (without her knowing) -- look at your phone records, etc.. I think you are being played here.
Idk about manipulating me I mean besides the issues i have said here we have had a pretty good life and some good times. Lots of factors here of course. Yes I swept it under the rug which was a mistake that's for sure. She currently doesn't live here anymore so I can't look at her phone if I wanted to and she deletes her messages, we both do discovered a few years back our phones run quicker when not clogged with so many messages. Idk about being played either but i def feel like she is putting all the blame on me and I'm sure talking to her friends and listening to what they say but
of course with only one side of the story.

DNA test... Not needed my child without a doubt. But to add I found out she cheated about 1 to 2 months after it happened. She didn't tell me I suspected something and went in her phone. The messages were there and he was trying again and saying lots of things. From what she did tell me and what I saw it happened once and was very quick. Not that makes a difference or anything.


I do agree with you to some point on going out with coworkers but I am also not trying to be controlling but i did let my thoughts about it be heard. If she did go out it was with a large group of them but I did struggle with it and usually wasn't very nice about it.
The cheating happened on a lunch break he had met up with her for it and it was just them.

The comments i mean are from usually the same 2 people and the stuff they say about her is mostly about her disability status and making fun of her. The sexual stuff the say is towards other girls who usually arnt there so I'm sure they say stuff like that about her when she's not there. They are both older one is over 60 and one is nearing and they are just loud mouths but of it shouldn't happen. Of course some of the girls like the attention so that doesn't help things.

I am considering taking to someone no matter what. In terms of why I accepted it so easily I guess all it love. we wanted to move on together. Is what it is at this point.


I understand that she was having an emotional relationship with this man and I don't believe it to be sexual and I know she is doing it again now that she has left. It did hurt. I told her it did she doesn't accept the the fact that it is a relationship but she did stop and we tried to move on and at that point I was trying to be more open towards her and she said she wasn't doing the same but I guess I was wrong there.

The lack of sex was originally because of all the medical issues she was having and we did talk about it. She has back injury, Hip injury which was the major factor at that point, neck injury and then got Diagnosed with RA. It was defiantly a rough time but as time went on I suspected something else was going on and she did try to be a bit more intimate with me but still had no desire for sex.


I'm not sure if we are 100% over or not I'm getting mixed messages but that's how she always has been. She has sat and listened to me and she has given me some feedback which leads me to believe she still wants us to figure out how to make it work but she has said multiple times said that she's not sure if she wants this and has also said maybe with time. She has never used my injuries as a reason for anything. I have to some extent because I do forget things and when she would come at me with a bunch of stuff built up over time I wouldn't remember some of it and have said to her that I don't believe I said that or maybe it was supposed to be a joke but its tough to communicate that way in general. Told her multiple times needs to happen at the time there is an issue. She acknowledges that she holds things back or ignores them and hopes they go away which is a problem.

The cheating happened little over 4 years ago now.. The emotional relationship with the older man was about 5 or 6 months ago.
 

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She cheats, you're just supposed to suck it up, she has a emotional relationship, and the answer is "So what? Get over it, already!"

You have an emotional relationship and it's...



That's not to say your emotional affair wasn't wrong. It was, but you each need to accept responsibility for what you did as a husband or a wife.

I would suggest counselling. Is any available through work or a trade union? (Obviously keeping the older man out of the equation.)
 

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She found it all.

She found love with another man, a co-worker.
She found a friend in an old gent.

She got crushed in the process.
She won nothing but pain and rheumatoid arthritis.
She earned hatred from her co-workers.

Her karma followed her around doing its quick, tit-for-tat.
I suspect (having suspicions) that the Karma came first, her late actions happening after the fact.

All these actions, the reactions and pain come from a common source, a common thread.
One outside both of your combined control....as so witnessed.
Those strings, while not visible, they are present, they do effect motion, thought and action.

You were merely a witness, a bystander to her slow, painful demise,

Fate is, has dismissed her.

I feel sorry for her, and sorrier for you.

This whole marital drama was a smash-hit.
She got smashed, you got hit.

Aw, let her go, it will only get worse. I promise you this.
How, could I not?




QN/KB-
 

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Well to be fair to her i choose to not talk about the cheating given everything that was going on. She didn't ask me to but i just wanted to move on but I see that was a mistake now and i was a jerk about it at times or made comments I shouldn't have about coworkers and such. Sometimes in a joking manner sometimes not but either way should have paid attention that it hurt her. As years went on I did suffer more and try to talk to her but she wanted to move on and I understand that but I needed to talk to her about it. We did eventually do it and it did help.

When it comes to the emotional affair I highly doubt it was anything sexual i think it was more of someone to talk to (well I hope so anyway since he's almost 70!) and she did say that but she doesn't see it as an emotional affair and I did. I just tried to be understanding since she said she felt she couldn't talk to me. I said things I should have been saying to her not another girl. My wife doesnt like that kinda talk guess I just liked being able to say it without being told to stop idk

We are both going to be looking into counseling. Spoke with her tonight when she brought kids over she said she's not ready to do it together but I'm thinking maybe we should see the same one just separate for now. The therapy is covered under insurance. I did ask her if she still had any thoughts of us working out and she said she didn't know which is the answer I get out of for everything but it wasn't a no. I think our marriage is worth saving. We both made some mistakes of course. Maybe I shouldn't try to idk
 

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Idk about manipulating me I mean besides the issues i have said here we have had a pretty good life and some good times. Lots of factors here of course. Yes I swept it under the rug which was a mistake that's for sure. She currently doesn't live here anymore so I can't look at her phone if I wanted to and she deletes her messages, we both do discovered a few years back our phones run quicker when not clogged with so many messages. Idk about being played either but i def feel like she is putting all the blame on me and I'm sure talking to her friends and listening to what they say but
of course with only one side of the story.

DNA test... Not needed my child without a doubt. But to add I found out she cheated about 1 to 2 months after it happened. She didn't tell me I suspected something and went in her phone. The messages were there and he was trying again and saying lots of things. From what she did tell me and what I saw it happened once and was very quick. Not that makes a difference or anything.


I do agree with you to some point on going out with coworkers but I am also not trying to be controlling but i did let my thoughts about it be heard. If she did go out it was with a large group of them but I did struggle with it and usually wasn't very nice about it.
The cheating happened on a lunch break he had met up with her for it and it was just them.

The comments i mean are from usually the same 2 people and the stuff they say about her is mostly about her disability status and making fun of her. The sexual stuff the say is towards other girls who usually arnt there so I'm sure they say stuff like that about her when she's not there. They are both older one is over 60 and one is nearing and they are just loud mouths but of it shouldn't happen. Of course some of the girls like the attention so that doesn't help things.

I am considering taking to someone no matter what. In terms of why I accepted it so easily I guess all it love. we wanted to move on together. Is what it is at this point.


I understand that she was having an emotional relationship with this man and I don't believe it to be sexual and I know she is doing it again now that she has left. It did hurt. I told her it did she doesn't accept the the fact that it is a relationship but she did stop and we tried to move on and at that point I was trying to be more open towards her and she said she wasn't doing the same but I guess I was wrong there.

The lack of sex was originally because of all the medical issues she was having and we did talk about it. She has back injury, Hip injury which was the major factor at that point, neck injury and then got Diagnosed with RA. It was defiantly a rough time but as time went on I suspected something else was going on and she did try to be a bit more intimate with me but still had no desire for sex.


I'm not sure if we are 100% over or not I'm getting mixed messages but that's how she always has been. She has sat and listened to me and she has given me some feedback which leads me to believe she still wants us to figure out how to make it work but she has said multiple times said that she's not sure if she wants this and has also said maybe with time. She has never used my injuries as a reason for anything. I have to some extent because I do forget things and when she would come at me with a bunch of stuff built up over time I wouldn't remember some of it and have said to her that I don't believe I said that or maybe it was supposed to be a joke but its tough to communicate that way in general. Told her multiple times needs to happen at the time there is an issue. She acknowledges that she holds things back or ignores them and hopes they go away which is a problem.

The cheating happened little over 4 years ago now.. The emotional relationship with the older man was about 5 or 6 months ago.
BUT you just said "I know she is doing it again now that she has left. " She IS STILL having an EA at the very LEAST.
"I'm not sure if we are 100% over or not I'm getting mixed messages but that's how she always has been."
Why are you letting HER drive the story here? YOU need to take control of YOUR life and don't just wait in limbo until she decides something. SHE LEFT -- why, so that she can do WHATEVER with WHOEVER and not have to worry about you finding out. Why don't YOU get a plan together to make sure YOU are protected and see what Divorce will mean to your situation. Not saying you have to get divorced, but you should know all about it before SHE drops a bomb on you.
 

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What a nice bloke, you are.
You deserve better.

Such trouble and strife, this woman.

After she shagged the co-worker, you only got a bit nippy with her.
You should have buggered out.

She's got them loose mumbleys.

Nah, you stayed.
Which is all good, its the missus' clanger, not your's.

Good luck!


King Brian-
 

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Discussion Starter #18
I hear what your saying and yes I know she is talking to him again about us but she never stopped talking to him it just wasn't to the degree that it was before. She said she felt she couldn't open up to me so we tried to work on it. It still hasn't gotten to the degree it was which I do know. They have had a friendship for years and he has been very helpful to her with regards to injuries and whatever else but that is his job since he is part of the union.

I'm not trying to sit in limbo but yes I would like the relationship to continue but of course need her on board for that. She said she is going to speak to someone by herself at first and then maybe together. I would rather us work through these issues then divorce. We have discussed how it might go if we did and discussed some financial things since everything is so intertwined at the moment.

We would both try avoid bringing lawyers into it and try to do it has nicely as possible but of course at some point it may be inevitable given that child support will come into play and its most likely her thats gonna have to pay it.

I won't lay down if it gets to the point but for now I would like to get her back so I'm gonna try to do what i have been even prior to her leaving which is show her I'm there for her and always have been. I suggested she or we go speak to someone a few times just because of everything we have been through and she didn't want to but now she sees it needs to happen. I mean besides anything between us she has suffered a lot for a young age. Not sure if i mentioned she is 29 I am 30.
 

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Sorry, maybe I wasn't clear -- I wasn't suggesting you GO for a divorce. I was suggesting you see a few different lawyers to see WHAT would happen in a divorce, what you'd need to have together, how child custody/etc. would go in your state.
Get the information. This way YOU can plan how things go for your life, and not just wait for her to "see a therapist" by herself, and then "maybe" together. I am suggesting that you start getting plans together on how to move forward if things don't work out -- this way, you are that much ahead of the game and won't have a lot of uncertainties, because if that does happen, the emotions will be running high and this way you have concrete plans.

I know you want this to continue, but at 29 with kids, she is an adult and has to take responsibility for her actions. Having had an affair, and now an EA (and STILL IN THAT!!!), there need to be consequences. She has no boundaries, and doesn't respect you if she is doing this. I just want YOU to be prepared for the eventuality that she is gone.
 
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