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I have been married for 2 years to a substance abuse counselor. She left me a month ago because she said i drank to much. i was drinking 6 beers an evening thursday through sunday. i did this for the past 2 years. she tried to make me stop but i said no you cannot tell me what to do. so she left. does this seem right? is this too much drinking? or just because she is an abuse counselor this makes me a problem drinker? i have taken on-line quizzes and visited an abuse counselor. all of them indicated i might have some red flags and maybe just cut back a little. that is not a problem. i have cut back to 3 beers on friday and saturday with a few non-alcoholic beers thrown in. i understand her point and took action. she has been gone for a month with little contact. do you think this is normal behavior? she does not want a divorce. she is very catholic. do you think that she is over thinking this and that because of her job she thinks the worse of people (he is an alcoholic and he needs to abstain before i come home!!!) ..even her husband?
 

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Perhaps she feels like a failure. If shes a substance abuse counselor and she couldn't help you see the light maybe she feels she failed. After all it is her job to help people.

Its true that NO one can make another person stop, it has to be up to the individual when they are ready. How much of her background do you know about? Did she grow up with a family member who drank? If shes a counselor then she knows the effects that alcohol can have on the people on the receiving end, which would be her. Just because shes a substance abuse counselor doesn't mean shes not human.

Have you tried to contact her? Maybe her leaving is your consequence to see if you take what you're doing seriously. Cutting back is good, but quitting would be better, perhaps it is in her eyes.
 

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So you have only been drinking like this since you have been married? What was your drinking like before you were married? I was wondering if maybe she has seen more than you are sharing. How long were you with her before you got married? Sometimes people don't really know the person that they are with.
 

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Also, you don't have to be a falling down drunk, a person who drinks every single night, or a person who bar hops until 2 or 3am to be considered a alcoholic or have a drinking problem. Drinking problems can come in many forms. Ever heard of binge drinking? Thats a problem as well and a form of alcoholism.
 

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she said i drank to much. i was drinking 6 beers an evening thursday through sunday. i did this for the past 2 years...is this too much drinking?
YES, it is.

Six beers is excessive.
6 beers, 4 nights in a row is excessive.
6 beers, 4 nights in a row, every week is excessive.
Doing it for 2 years is excessive.

YOU have a drinking problem.

i have cut back to 3 beers on friday and saturday with a few non-alcoholic beers thrown in
Anyone who needs to drink 4 nights in a row, every week for 2 years has a drinking problem.

do you think that she is over thinking this
NO!
and that because of her job she thinks the worse of people (he is an alcoholic and he needs to abstain before i come home!!!) ..even her husband?
NO, I think she knows an alcoholic when she sees one, and she's seeing it in you.

If this hurts your feelings, so be it. You wanted the truth. I am NOT a substance abuse counselor, I am not your wife. Therefore, I have NO AX TO GRIND. Also, I do like to drink occasionally. In my opinion, YOU HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM.
 

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I used to have my "night cap time". It was a stage i was going through where i drank a few shots of whiskey at night.
i think if my wife left me over it i would have let her go.
who needs such a shallow wife that has such conditional love?
If she is will leave you for drinking a little, what else will she leave you for?
i dont know if you have a problem or not. i dont think it is particuliarly excessive, but it is borderline perhaps? Only you know if you have a problem.
But i would say your wife definatley has a problem, if she will up and leave so quick. Personally, i couldnt date a counselor type. Their heads are just filled with things. i have a sister that used to be a counselor for the state working with problem families and teenagers. And while she was doing that her own family was falling apart and she couldnt even keep her own life in order. Thank God she grew up and found another job and got the programming out of her head. She was driving her husband nuts with the counseling b.s.
:scratchhead:
 

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I have been married for 2 years to a substance abuse counselor. She left me a month ago because she said i drank to much. i was drinking 6 beers an evening thursday through sunday. i did this for the past 2 years. she tried to make me stop but i said no you cannot tell me what to do. so she left. does this seem right? is this too much drinking? or just because she is an abuse counselor this makes me a problem drinker? i have taken on-line quizzes and visited an abuse counselor. all of them indicated i might have some red flags and maybe just cut back a little. that is not a problem. i have cut back to 3 beers on friday and saturday with a few non-alcoholic beers thrown in. i understand her point and took action. she has been gone for a month with little contact. do you think this is normal behavior? she does not want a divorce. she is very catholic. do you think that she is over thinking this and that because of her job she thinks the worse of people (he is an alcoholic and he needs to abstain before i come home!!!) ..even her husband?
Does she want you to stop drinking completely?

If not, how much will she "allow?"

Did you have these same drinking habits/patterns before you married her?
 

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I have been married for 2 years to a substance abuse counselor. She left me a month ago because she said i drank to much. i was drinking 6 beers an evening thursday through sunday. i did this for the past 2 years. she tried to make me stop but i said no you cannot tell me what to do. so she left. does this seem right? is this too much drinking? or just because she is an abuse counselor this makes me a problem drinker? i have taken on-line quizzes and visited an abuse counselor. all of them indicated i might have some red flags and maybe just cut back a little. that is not a problem. i have cut back to 3 beers on friday and saturday with a few non-alcoholic beers thrown in. i understand her point and took action. she has been gone for a month with little contact. do you think this is normal behavior? she does not want a divorce. she is very catholic. do you think that she is over thinking this and that because of her job she thinks the worse of people (he is an alcoholic and he needs to abstain before i come home!!!) ..even her husband?
Yes, six beers an evening is a lot!

People who have drinking problems often minimize their drinking. I know from personal experience. I had an uncle who was an alcoholic. For a while he was a functioning alcoholic who could hold a job, but eventually he was fired then he became the man who drank all day, was dependent on his wife's job. He eventually died of cirrhosis of the liver in his 50s. My husband isn't a drinker, but if he started drinking a lot, I would be very alert to it given my family background.
 

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It took me 28 years but I left my husband for drinking too. OK...maybe not so much the drinking as the way he treated me when he was drinking. His drinking consisted of 6 beers Monday thru Thursday and 12 to 18 Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Saturday and Sunday would see him cracking open a beer at 9:30 am.
Maybe I'm a ***** for not sticking with him through his "illness" until the day I died but his personality would transform into someone mean and spiteful after 6 or 8 beers...I just couldn't deal with it any longer. Getting him to admit he had a problem just wasn't going to happen.
 

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Is she an ACOA? Your drinking may be a huge trigger for her. What are some of the red flags you speak of?
 

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If she is a substance abuse counselor then she knows how someone else's addictions can effect another person. There comes a time when the other person thats not drinking or doing drugs, must take care of themselves. Some can do that while still living with an addicted person, some can not and have to separate themselves from the situation. Addictions can be damaging to all involved. As a counselor she also knows that you "cutting back" isn't going to cut it. Most people with addictions need to stop altogether in order to get better. Other than your drinking how are some other areas in your relationship with her?
 

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Discussion Starter #15
yes i agree. thursday through sunday was alot. i realize that is why she left. but in a marriage people need to understand the other and attempt to move forward when issues arise. i have taken action on my pasrt and have been drinking 3 beers on friday and saturday. i am doing a controlled drinking approach which my counselor suggested. it is working fine and i am 100% on board with this. she said she will be back. she has issues of her own to address. beleive me she was not perfect. my only concern is that she is fine being away from me for now a whole month. i beleive she will be staying away fro another month. i have told her all of this but she said that she really has not missed me. i have missed her from day one. i feel like these are red flags for me. she is divorced once already. my wife passed away. i am not ready at this stage of my life to abstain. i like the taste too much and enjoy looking forward to a couple of hours enjoying a fine beer or 3 with some non-alcoholic mixed in. sometimes abuse counselors will make a huge deal out of a small one. if i am an alcoholic as you say then why am i happy as can be with drinking 2 or 3 non-alcoholic beers while watching the game and then going to bed? i understand my problem the past 2 years. i did not want to be controlled. nobody does.
 

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If she feels it's a problem then it is. Is it the amount? The frequency?
Are you a different person while drinking? She is asking you to make a choice...the rest is up to you.
 

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Non-alcoholic beer doesn't cut it..you're still doing the same behavior. I also find it hard to believe a counselor would tell you to cut back or drink non-alcoholic beer etc. If anything, a good counselor would recommend that you get into rehab if you feel you can't quit on your own, not tell you to cut back. IMO, I doubt your wife will be back unless you either do a complete turn around and get help(cutting back isn't getting help) and if she address these issues you say she has. And even if that happens is no guarantee she will be back.
 

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yes i agree. thursday through sunday was alot. i realize that is why she left. but in a marriage people need to understand the other and attempt to move forward when issues arise. i have taken action on my pasrt and have been drinking 3 beers on friday and saturday. i am doing a controlled drinking approach which my counselor suggested. it is working fine and i am 100% on board with this. she said she will be back. she has issues of her own to address. beleive me she was not perfect. my only concern is that she is fine being away from me for now a whole month. i beleive she will be staying away fro another month. i have told her all of this but she said that she really has not missed me. i have missed her from day one. i feel like these are red flags for me. she is divorced once already. my wife passed away. i am not ready at this stage of my life to abstain. i like the taste too much and enjoy looking forward to a couple of hours enjoying a fine beer or 3 with some non-alcoholic mixed in. sometimes abuse counselors will make a huge deal out of a small one. if i am an alcoholic as you say then why am i happy as can be with drinking 2 or 3 non-alcoholic beers while watching the game and then going to bed? i understand my problem the past 2 years. i did not want to be controlled. nobody does.
sounds like she has the problem, not you. Sounds like she is twacked in the head. Especially from what you wrote here. Hey, i dunno. Like i said, from my experience i wouldnt date a counselor they have more problems up stairs than regular people from what i can tell.
why are you seeing a counselor? Did she tell you, you had to?
My man, she is dragging you into that web with her. This is how people spend their entire lives going to counseling, revolving around antidepressants. It is a entire industry. Sounds like she is dragging you into that web. Get away now. :rofl:
 

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Do you love beer more than you love your wife?

Yes, I think the beer is excessive. But, in all honesty, She probably knew about this drinking habit before you married??

Yes.. then she thought she could change you. Leave her (AND get the addiction under control).

No.. then she's a fool for marrying someone whom she did not know fully. Leave her (And get the addiction under control.)

Just my humble opinion. Yes, either way, I'm saying I don't think this is the right lady for you.

Edit - And yes, I realize that you do not think it is an addiction problem. That's your choice. My husband has a friend who probably drinks as heavily as you. But he knows it. He always gets a designated driver (a lot of times my hubby).. but he is by no means even close to wanting to give up his beer.
 
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