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Discussion Starter #1
Hi,
It is weird experience and I have no clue what to do.
We have some verbal argument and I left to office.
When I came back in evening, I found that she left with all her
belongings. Then after few days of interrogation, I came to know that she flew back to her home country.

I am unable to digest this behavior. Please let me know what to expect with this.


Regards,
Uglykidant.
 

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It sounds like English isn't your first language. You're both not from the same country? Assuming you two don't have children that she took back to her home country, I think this might be the end of the marriage for you. Does she have a way to support herself in her home country? If you want to salvage the marriage, you could fly to her country (assuming it's not too costly) and talk to her in person.

The posters here could use more details. Your first post is pretty vague as to your ages, how long you've been married, whether there are children involved, etc. The more info people have, the better the advice you'll receive.
 

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Sorry to hear, I would take the time to analyse your marriage and find out exactly what happened. Mention to her that you would like to talk and really come to terms about what is really going on.
Whether you are at fault or she is, apologies and talking with a not so demanding tone can go a long way.
Considering that she literally left and moved back to her home country, things may not be back to where you may like it. But you will feel better knowing exactly what happened and how she is feeling.
 

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I'd say, expect some divorce papers in the mail.

She must have been planning it for sometime, if she pulled all her stuff out & flew out of country all in the short span of time for you to be at the office for a day.

If she doesn't send divorce papers to you.. Then you need to get attorney & send them to her.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
It seems everyone is suggesting divorce for me.

I know that we both were rigid for some time and unable to communicate and resolve issues effectively.
But I never saw this happening to me. It seems like a big setback to me and am unable to bear this.

I have done all good to her till now. Paid for her college, give her respect , never ask her to do any extra household chores etc. and in return i just want her to pay some respect to my family members, as my mother already passed away last year suffering from cancer and my dad is currently undergoing dialysis 3 times a week.
I just expect some support from her for my family, but she is alway avoiding it. That leads to too much stress in our relationship and I tried to punish her in my own way by emotionally detaching myself from her. I tried to communicate with her and we even went to MC multiple times and everytime same issue was discussed but she never took any action, even though our whole marriage is at stake.

I know she is a nice person but what she has done is totally unacceptable to me. I feel like cheated and hurt and unable to think what should i do next , except living in denial for a while.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Sorry to hear, I would take the time to analyse your marriage and find out exactly what happened. Mention to her that you would like to talk and really come to terms about what is really going on.
Whether you are at fault or she is, apologies and talking with a not so demanding tone can go a long way.
Considering that she literally left and moved back to her home country, things may not be back to where you may like it. But you will feel better knowing exactly what happened and how she is feeling.
Thanks for advice. It is actually not too difficult for me to analyze what happen. We were both hurting each other silently since long time by not doing what we expect from each other. She was ignoring my old dad and my sis and I was ignoring her(emotionally).
I told her multiple times that our marriage is in her own hands. But she is too rigid to not to do anything. Even I also got too rigid, seeing her rigidness and started doing unnecessary things in background to hurt her. I think we both acted very childishly and I don't see any major issue at all.
I tried calling her multiple times since she left, but except once she never picked up the phone. May be she need more time to think before talking to me or she just dont want to talk to me at all ?
 

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What exactly do you mean by "giving respect" to your family members? What did you expect her to do? And what didn't she do?
Respect is such a vague word and based on how you word things I think there are some cultural issues here that most of us aren't familiar with. In your culture what does "respect" to family members look like?

I think if anything you're the one in the wrong. You didn't like how she "respected" your family so then you detached emotionally from her. You're the one to pull away first from the marriage. Her issue was with your family but you brought it to the marriage and hurt her feelings.
 

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Discussion Starter #10 (Edited)
Thanks for clarifying this.
By "respect" I just mean that she should at least call my DAD/MOM once in a while, may be 1 per 3 months but she always resist same. That was totally unacceptable to me. Even after my MOM died last year, she has no remorse for my dad/sister. She never asked how they are going to live in future and who is going to take care of them etc.

I came from asian culture where expectation is far more from spouse, but I never expect her to do like what spouse do back home.
I always give her freedom but in return I was just expecting bare minimal respect for my family members, which she always avoid the day she came to states.
She is asian too and she is very well aware of these expectations but once she flew to america she totally deny to take any of her responsibilities.

It is her this rigidness which lead me to emotionally detach from her, which leads to all this mess.

This is not happening first time. Same story is repeated multiple times since last few years and we even went to MC for same.I told al this to MC and MC communicated to her personally, but even after same she refused to take action.
She thought that I will change over period of time but I just can't change my core values. Also I am not asking much .... This is just bare minimal thing but she want to drag it.. That's fine ..her choice but we both are suffering because of same and now reach to a point where divorce is very much possibility....
 

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Discussion Starter #11
One part of my heart like her as she was very nice to me and i enjoyed her company. She tolerated my idiosyncrasies and was very patient with me.

While other part of heart feel like cheated or manipulated. She was so close to my family when we got married and everyone was so happy. I have never seen all my folks so happy since my childhood.
But she just changed on this front as soon as we got married and flewed back to states.

It took me a while to accept this behavior and I reduce my expectation a lot from herm but she seems to over use my this liberal behavior and totally detaches herself from my family.
She thought that I don't care about this but deep in my heart I was suffering everyday and was waiting for her to come back to normal..
But she never did and move further further away , which leads me to also get emotionally detach from her ....
 

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What does she do with her time if she won't help with house work ? Does she work ? Did she finish her college ?


Also, south asia ?
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Folks,

It has already been 2 weeks and she is not replying to my phone calls yet.

Below are my options

a. Live in denial and assume nothing happens. Wait for her to take action either divorce or continue marriage ?

b. Try to take control of situation and initiate communication with her in one way or another, either through phone/email or involving relatives /friends etc. to least open some channel for verbal communication.

c. Flew back to home country and talk to her face to face.

d. File a divorce myself.

Let me know which make most sense here.

-UglyKidant
 

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How much effort do your family members put into have a relationship with her? Do they call her on a regular basis?
 

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How much effort do your family members put into have a relationship with her? Do they call her on a regular basis?
And how much effort did you put into a relationship with her family members? How often did you call them to say hi?

Personally, I think she's making her position pretty clear. You can chose to expend a lot of time an effort to clarify things further, but your best bet is to cut your losses and move on.

How long were you married? How long were you dating before you married? And was she an American Asian (as in, grew up in America)?

C
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Sorry to hear, I would take the time to analyse your marriage and find out exactly what happened. Mention to her that you would like to talk and really come to terms about what is really going on.
Whether you are at fault or she is, apologies and talking with a not so demanding tone can go a long way.
Considering that she literally left and moved back to her home country, things may not be back to where you may like it. But you will feel better knowing exactly what happened and how she is feeling.
How much effort do your family members put into have a relationship with her? Do they call her on a regular basis?
Well they put effort initially but then she resisted a bit and then it stopped completely.Due to distance too it is very difficult to maintain broken relationships.
I know my folks are not much into putting effort into relationship but they are good nice people. It is how they are born and bought up with.

Point I am trying to make is that my wife maintain good relationship with them before marriage, because that is must for marriage, but when marriage is done she always come with some excuse or other to avoid them.

My expectation was that she should carry this bond with my parents, as she used to do before marriage but she didn't not do it.

To me it feel like I am cheated on this front.

Moreoever my mother died last year suffering from cancer and my father is on dialysis. Just on humanitarian grounds, it make sense to have relationsip with them. She is too rigid to not to talk to them even if they are at last moment of life.
This is just unjustifiable to me.
 

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It seems everyone is suggesting divorce for me.

I know that we both were rigid for some time and unable to communicate and resolve issues effectively.
But I never saw this happening to me. It seems like a big setback to me and am unable to bear this.

I have done all good to her till now. Paid for her college, give her respect , never ask her to do any extra household chores etc. and in return i just want her to pay some respect to my family members, as my mother already passed away last year suffering from cancer and my dad is currently undergoing dialysis 3 times a week.
I just expect some support from her for my family, but she is alway avoiding it. That leads to too much stress in our relationship and I tried to punish her in my own way by emotionally detaching myself from her. I tried to communicate with her and we even went to MC multiple times and everytime same issue was discussed but she never took any action, even though our whole marriage is at stake.

I know she is a nice person but what she has done is totally unacceptable to me. I feel like cheated and hurt and unable to think what should i do next , except living in denial for a while.
nice people don't treat their husbands like that!
 

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Discussion Starter #20
And how much effort did you put into a relationship with her family members? How often did you call them to say hi?

Personally, I think she's making her position pretty clear. You can chose to expend a lot of time an effort to clarify things further, but your best bet is to cut your losses and move on.

How long were you married? How long were you dating before you married? And was she an American Asian (as in, grew up in America)?

C
I always called her parents initially but when she never responded then it doesnt make me feel good. My mother was suffering from cancer since last few years and dies last year.
I would just want her to feel good about me. That why I would like my spouse to talk to my mom and give her some comfort for our relationship. But she just never did it.

I think you are right her position is clear. I can spend time in clarifying things but i dont thing she gonna change further.

To me it seems like a very stupid desicion.
I mean she risk her whole married life for one small thing.
How can this be possible ?
Is it her ego or childishness or something else that I can't visualize ?

We are marrried for 4 years. We dated for 6 months only before marriage and that too it was more of long-distance dating. She
doesnt grew up in America. She belong to conservative asian family. that the whole reason I feel attracted to her. It seems her conservativeness was shallow and get changed over course of time in this marriage.
-
 
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