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Discussion Starter #1
Four months ago my wife of 9 years cheated on me with a woman. My initial reaction was lashing out, we have 3 kids together and I couldn't believe she would just throw away our relationship like that.

I tried my hardest to get her back but she wasn't having any of it so I just gave up. I can't compete with the woman she cheated on me with and it makes me feel pathetic. She was an artillery soldier for a while and is now a firefighter. My 10 year old son has met her numerous times and really looks up her, she makes me feel like less of a man and I hate it.



Yesterday my two younger children came home from visiting their mom and instead of calling the woman by her name they called her "ma". They have only known her for a short while and they already see her as their mother. I never wanted them to raise my kids and I honestly don't agree with two women raising children but there is nothing I can do about that. I am also still in love with my wife. I tried going on dates but I can't find someone like my wife. She was perfect and no one can come close to her. I always find myself checking her Facebook page scrolling through pictures of her and her new "girlfriend" with my kids. I feel as if this new woman has taken over their minds, they no longer eat meat or animal products because of her and I asked them if they wanted to go to the zoo when the weather gets better, they told me that zoos were bad and they should go to a sanctuary(what the ****).



My daughter is also getting a lot more active, which is great but she says she wants to be a soldier, firefighter or police officer when she grows up. She is young and could easily change her mind but no one wants to think about their daughter getting deployed. They also said that they wanted to spend next Christmas with their mom. I feel as if I am quickly losing my kids, if this is what it is like after four months what will happen as time goes on. What would you do in my situation?

*My oldest son also said he wants to live with my ex her and her gf. I asked my two younger kids if that was what they wanted and they said yes. He also does everything with her and no longer spends time with me, in my kid's eyes this woman is some bad ass ex soldier. She took them to her firehouse and let them sit in the truck and all that. My son made a comment that really hurt me, he said that they feel like his true parents and their house is "home". They also have two kids at their house and my son like the big family vibe he gets when he's there.
 

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Wow. Tough situation.

I have to say, my sister is a lesbian, and just about every kid, and most adults, think she is a super gal. She is a fun person to be with, and has always been a respected leader.

I know it sounds crazy, but would it be possible to just bury the hatchet with your wife, genuinely wish her and her new partner well, and try to be friends with them? Maybe spend holidays together, if they would allow it, for the kids' sake?

After all, "If you can't beat 'em, join em."
 
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Just like any thing new...it interesting and exciting. It will wear off and in time your kids and even your wife will see this women who she realy is.

Face it....how moral and what kind of character would do this?

This fantasy will get old and this women will go find someone else tp phuck with.

Give it time wish them all the best and smile....in time they will"all" come crawling back to you blaming you for letting them get used by such an evil person.

You need to learn the tool to start loving your self and other will follow you seeing someone worth being around.

Again give it time and wait a see how real life problems settle in on this relationship and before you know it...for some reason you start seeing your kids more....then in a short while you wife will come around also and realize what a big mistake she made.

In short, don't push your kids away...they will need you real bad when this relationship goes south.

Some of the greatest challanges bring the best rewards. so hang in there and wait and watch......knowing its to good to be true and it's just a matter of time it all falls apart and this affair isn't all rainbows and unicorns.
 

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Wow. Tough situation.

I have to say, my sister is a lesbian, and just about every kid, and most adults, think she is a super gal. She is a fun person to be with, and has always been a respected leader.

I know it sounds crazy, but would it be possible to just bury the hatchet with your wife, genuinely wish her and her new partner well, and try to be friends with them? Maybe spend holidays together, if they would allow it, for the kids' sake?

After all, "If you can't beat 'em, join em."
OP, this is extremely emasculating advice. I don't recommend it.
 

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Wow. Tough situation.

I have to say, my sister is a lesbian, and just about every kid, and most adults, think she is a super gal. She is a fun person to be with, and has always been a respected leader.

I know it sounds crazy, but would it be possible to just bury the hatchet with your wife, genuinely wish her and her new partner well, and try to be friends with them? Maybe spend holidays together, if they would allow it, for the kids' sake?

After all, "If you can't beat 'em, join em."
It's only been 9 months.....the only thing with regards to a hatchet OP wants is to use it on this POS that took his family.

When's the lawyer appointment?

You better cover your ass and protect your self.
 

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Wow. Tough situation.

I have to say, my sister is a lesbian, and just about every kid, and most adults, think she is a super gal. She is a fun person to be with, and has always been a respected leader.

I know it sounds crazy, but would it be possible to just bury the hatchet with your wife, genuinely wish her and her new partner well, and try to be friends with them? Maybe spend holidays together, if they would allow it, for the kids' sake?

After all, "If you can't beat 'em, join em."
I disagree here. This woman stole his wife away, and he's supposed to go there and smile and make nice? No way you would have recommended this advice if she was shacking up with a guy. I assume your sister never destroyed a marriage.
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OP I feel for you. You were dealt a terrible hand.

Don't give up on your kids. Make your home a loving,nurturing environment for them. Kids are fickle. The other place is new and exciting. That will wear off. Do not take their comments personally. When they are older they will understand what happened.

Stay off her Facebook page. Stop torturing yourself.

Keep dating. There IS someone out there for you that will make you forget about your "perfect" wife. Someone who won't treat you so disrespectfully. Before you know it, you will find the perfect girl. And with any luck your kids will love her too ;)
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I disagree here. This woman stole his wife away, and he's supposed to go there and smile and make nice? No way you would have recommended this advice if she was shacking up with a guy. I assume your sister never destroyed a marriage.
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What this is is parental alienation and he has to see a lawyer like yesterday because well he is a male.
 

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Four months ago my wife of 9 years cheated on me with a woman. My initial reaction was lashing out, we have 3 kids together and I couldn't believe she would just throw away our relationship like that.

I tried my hardest to get her back but she wasn't having any of it so I just gave up. I can't compete with the woman she cheated on me with and it makes me feel pathetic. She was an artillery soldier for a while and is now a firefighter. My 10 year old son has met her numerous times and really looks up her, she makes me feel like less of a man and I hate it.



Yesterday my two younger children came home from visiting their mom and instead of calling the woman by her name they called her "ma". They have only known her for a short while and they already see her as their mother. I never wanted them to raise my kids and I honestly don't agree with two women raising children but there is nothing I can do about that. I am also still in love with my wife. I tried going on dates but I can't find someone like my wife. She was perfect and no one can come close to her. I always find myself checking her Facebook page scrolling through pictures of her and her new "girlfriend" with my kids. I feel as if this new woman has taken over their minds, they no longer eat meat or animal products because of her and I asked them if they wanted to go to the zoo when the weather gets better, they told me that zoos were bad and they should go to a sanctuary(what the ****).



My daughter is also getting a lot more active, which is great but she says she wants to be a soldier, firefighter or police officer when she grows up. She is young and could easily change her mind but no one wants to think about their daughter getting deployed. They also said that they wanted to spend next Christmas with their mom. I feel as if I am quickly losing my kids, if this is what it is like after four months what will happen as time goes on. What would you do in my situation?

*My oldest son also said he wants to live with my ex her and her gf. I asked my two younger kids if that was what they wanted and they said yes. He also does everything with her and no longer spends time with me, in my kid's eyes this woman is some bad ass ex soldier. She took them to her firehouse and let them sit in the truck and all that. My son made a comment that really hurt me, he said that they feel like his true parents and their house is "home". They also have two kids at their house and my son like the big family vibe he gets when he's there.
Hi CarterMan.

Wow... All I can say is I am so sorry. It must be so painful, esp with your kids saying all that.

There was something hat stood out to me in your story that was a potential red flag. It could be me being oversensitive because I pick these things up based on my own personal experience having been in a cult.

I am sensing this woman may have a "strong personality", or strong opinions, or both. Nothing inherently wrong with that of course. But it seems the transformation with your wife, and now in process with your children, has been quite rapid.

It's also unusual for children 10 and under (not unheard of bit not that common) to develop sudden moral opinions like this. I have a sis who has been vegetarian for moral reasons and she has raised her own children as vegetarian for these reasons, but would not impose this on someone else's children. I have another sis who became vegetarian for a while due to concerns over live exports but she never made her kids follow suit. For a person who is more in the step parent category (and i would not even call her that) to impose their own values on children who are not theirs is concerning to me.

When you said your kids are now calling her "ma", please know that this would be at her direction. I dare say she would have also beat you to it asking them who they want to live with more and probably coaching them as to reasons why she is a preferable option.

With all inf presented, it seems suspicious your daughter now wants a career in one of those three categories. One thing to look up to someone and be excited about the kind of job they have, and another to make this decision while accompanied with a number of rapid changes noted above.

Now the thing about cult dynamics is that they can be found in non-cult environments and relationships. They are mind control dynamics. They van be found for eg in 1on 1 relationships (eg unhealthy therapist-client dynamics, DV relationship), a dysfunctional family unit, a country under dictatorship (of North Korea).

I'm not trying to alarm you here. I'm not saying your family is in a cult. But I do sense, based on the little information here, that something is not quite right and some of this are things I recognize from my own experience.

Getting some counselling for yourself and your children would be a valuable step, definitely sooner than later. Possibly a child psychologist for your children.

I don't normally do this on TAM or ne forums in general, but if you like, I can inbox you with some resources, info, and contacts who can help you assess your situation and detect of this is what is happening. If you can tell me what state or country you're in I could find you someone to talk to in my cult recovery circles who understands this stuff and cannot give you'd strategies on how to counter these dynamics for your childrens sake
 

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She's a lesbian, yet she has to handle hoses while on the job.

Oh the irony.:)

Sorry CarterMan, I'm not trying to make light of your situation. I just couldn't hold it in.
 

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Work on yourself, block your wife on social network.

Do the 180 with your wife, it will help you to move away from her emotionally.

Don't fight their opinions, it will only make them move away from you.

For the vegan diet, you should contact your wife and asks her if she plans to pay your nutrition education. Because a vegan diet for child, it's not something easy to do, which requires a lot of knowledge.
I read Swiss hospitals are highly against this, and remind every year it's dangerous, because it can slow the child development.

The 180lists : The 180 | AFFAIRCARE

You should read this book too : https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf It will help you to be a better & stronger man. It will be very helpful.

You should find "When I say no, I feel guilty" by manuel J smith, for learn how to be a better communicator, you will need it, for be able to explain to your child why you can not agree with OW, without sounding aggressive.
 

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The best you can do for yourself at this moment is to seek legal counsel. There is probably nothing legally that you can do to prevent your WW from having her AP live with her and having your kids expose to her. As much as this situation sucks big time, your concern should be that the OW does not pose a threat to your children's complete well being.

Next is to start the process of emotional detachment from your WW by following the 180 degrees. You will probably fail many times before you master it but that is normal and every attempt will bring you close to complete emotional detachment.

And please seek help from a professional therapist to help you to process this trauma in a healthy fashion. You must heal not just for your well being but for children's as well.

Affairs thrive in a fantasy environment but once real life intrudes, the new relationship will begin to experience the same stressors that were present in the previous relationship. Same sex relationships are just as vulnerable as heterosexual relationships and just as prone to be destroyed by infidelity.

Lastly, please remember that your children do not mean to hurt you and are just reacting like a lot of children dp, to the novelty that your WW's AP brings. If you keep being a loving father more intent on showing them love, your place in their hearts will never be replaced by a new shiny object or person.
 

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OP,
For the life of me, I cannot understand how people allow themselves to see one side of a situation and seem completely oblivious to the obvious. Your wife and children are smitten by this woman, an ex soldier now fireman. A person who risks their life for others and yet, in this case, she is the threat. Taking something that does not belong to her and wreaking havoc on a family are not traits to be admired. They are deviant, immoral and deserving of disdain, not worship.

Your children idolize her not because they understand the whole situation but rather because they are following their mother's lead. She is no doubt admonishing them to revere this woman as she does, ignoring the the obvious duality in her character. If this woman were truly of high moral character she would not allow herself to be the wedge in your family.

It's ironic that, as a firefighter, she is duty bound to prevent harm to others and yet, as a person, she has no such moral mandate and is "burning" your family down.

My advice is to continue to be a father to your children and take whatever steps are necessary to limit their exposure to this woman inasmuch as is legally possible. Also understand that this situation is new for them and kids are easily distracted by new. There are children at the other house so built in playmates. However, when the new wears off they will want stability and structure, things this woman and your wife cannot provide as evidenced by their actions. They care less for the kids than for themselves lest they would not tear your family apart.

As to your emasculation, this is your perception. Your WW's bad decisions are not necessarily an indicator of your masculinity but rather of her inability to think and process clearly. Her lack of intellectual ability does not make you less of a man, it makes her less of a woman.

Be strong for your kids, solid in your commitment to them and let time expose the OW and your wife for what they are. Good fortune to you and your family.
 

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^^^ This guy nailed it. And yes, you may feel emasculated emotionally but please do your best to remember you have done nothing wrong here, you are doing the best you can in this messed up situation and having consideration for the welfare of your children.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Thanks for all the replies they were actually really helpful compared to other advice I was given. I invited my ex and her gf for lunch so I can talk about our situation and how we are going to move forward. I plan on bringing some stuff that you guys mentioned so I can have a better idea on her relationship with my kids.

Unfortunately I can't go to court with this. A lot stuff about my past could possibly get out and I could lose my job. There is no way my wife will turn down having the kids full time without a fight.

I am not forgiving them or even respecting them but not talking has done us no good and it just leaves me confused and frustrated so hopefully this lunch will clear things up.

Wish me luck.
 
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