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Did you started 180 ?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
It is a very long post with a lot of reply's by me. I will post the relevant ones. I am sorry for the length but I need help and I am a wreck. No everything I have done has been the opposite of the 180. I keep screwing up bad,
 

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No matter how long is it please post it here . WE're here to help each other .
Don't do anything until you post your story and hear from others.
 

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Today is rough for many of us. My wife left while I was at work on Sept. 21st. I haven't seen her since. She block my phone,etc. I have no family here. This will be a rough holiday season... post your story here, together everyone here help boost each other.
 

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Posted 13 November 2012 - 12:15 AM
I am sure there are others with worse problems but I just need to get this out. My wife of 6 years told me yesterday morning she was leaving and she did. We have a 4 year old together, i have a 14 year old daughter and have (or had) two of the best step children 13 and 19. We have had problems for a while and she has been telling me i needed to change but i didn't take her serious. I have been moody for a year or so because of money issues. I have always had more than i probably deserved but business went under a few years ago. When we would fight i would say things I didn't mean. She always asked me not to because she said she couldn't forget the things i say even though she knew i didn't mean them. Another thing that happened was a few years ago we couldnt pay a storage bill and lost alot of personal items such has her kids pictures. She has told me several times she couldn't forgive me for that and honestly i do not blame her. That has always ate at me inside that she lost that stuff. Anyway, now that she is gone i absolutely hate myself because she told me to change and I didn't listen. I have been divorced 1 time before from a cheating wife and that doesn't even come close to this. I have never felt this empty. Tonight i had a 4 year old crying for his mom and my daughter was just as bad. She loved my wife and was very close to her. Every time I hear them cry it just kills me. I have tried to get her to talk to me but she just says she
s not going to talk and she is done. This is ******* me and I do not know what to do. I guess it is my stupid pride but i just cant admit these things to any of my family especially about the storage building and that is why i looked for a site like this. Do I have any hope with her?

Posted 13 November 2012 - 06:53 AM
Thank you for replying. I have asked her about counseling but she says she is done. What is crazy to me is that the last couple of months have been good and last weekend we went to the mountains and had a good time. I honestly thought things were better until Sunday morning.

Posted 13 November 2012 - 10:53 PM

Well today at work was a little better but I was really busy and that helps. The bad times come when I am just sitting with nothing to do. I get to thinking about her and miss her very bad. My heart races and I get very anxious. I don't know what to do. I would like to share the complete story about my wife and I if that is ok.

We are in our late 30's and were actually high school sweethearts. We dated all through high school and like all kids were on again off again. We split for a few months and she got pregnant by someone else. It was really hard on me but she ended up marrying him and we went out separate ways. I never forgot about her as you never do your first love but we never ran into each other at all. A few years after my first divorce (we were married for 9 years) I got to thinking about her and tried to look her up but couldn't find her. I went on a classmates web site and found were she had been on there a year or so earlier so I sent her a message. A few days later I had a call at my office and it was her. I just assumed she saw the message but when I mentioned it she had no idea what i was talking about and did not believe me until I showed her. This something we talked about for a long time as showing us that we were just meant to be. I have a great relationship with her two kids especially her oldest daughter. Her son has been spending a lot of time with his dad the past year or so. My wife also loves my daughter very much and there is no doubting that plus we have a great 4 year old boy together.

Now that you know more of the story I hope you can see why I hate myself for treating her the way I did. I have not only lost the love of my life but the best family in the world.


Posted 13 November 2012 - 11:29 PM
I also want to say that I am working real hard on giving her space. It is the hardest thing I have ever done to not try to call but from what I have read it is best. It just kills me knowing she doesn't want to call me and that she doesn't seem to be upset about this. She seems to act like nothing is wrong at all.


Posted 14 November 2012 - 08:48 AM
Well this will probably be a bad day. I woke up very depressed and I don't have a lot to do today at work so I will be sitting around most of the day. I hate just sitting because all I do is think about her and us. I would give anything if she would just consider going to counseling with me. I feel so lost and want her to come home so bad.

Posted 14 November 2012 - 01:49 PM
I was right this is a very bad day. I completely forgot about Thanksgiving and my sister sent out a text on the time we are all getting together. I sent her a text and asked if she would want to go and she texted back "no". I can't even imagine going without my entire family and do not want to. With that said I will not let my 2 children miss it. It is just very very painful every time I think about any of the holidays. God I just want her to come home.

Posted 14 November 2012 - 09:38 PM
Wroper,

Thank you for the reply. I have thought about writing her but wasn't sure if I should. After your suggestion i have decided that I will. Today she did call my daughter and offered to pick her up and talk to her but she said no. I just talked to my daughter and explained that my wife still loves her so I hope she will get with her and talk.

While I was at work she came and got the rest of her clothes out of the closet today and that hurts everytime I walk in there. One thing she did do was wash a load of clothes for me while she was here and that kind of helps me to know that maybe she doesn't hate me and just maybe she does still care a little.

Well I need to go now and play with the kids before bed but I may post more later. I never would have thought that posting like this could help as much as it does. Thank you to everyone who has helped me.

Posted 15 November 2012 - 12:13 PM
This is a very very bad day. It is my day off and it is just me and my 4 year old and I needed to talk to my wife about him and she would not answer. I texted her and she texted back a hour later but she still would not answer the phone. Well about a hour later my son said something about when his mom took him to the park last Sunday she was talking to a man and he had been at the mall park two times. I finally got to talk to her and she swears she wasn't. We talked for about a hour and she listened to me but she did say she doesn't ever want to come home. That hurts so bad. When i came back in after talking my son said "daddy i remember the man its the man that fixed the bug (her car)". I am so hurt I don't know what to do. I don't know if she is telling the truth or not. I have never thought about suicide but I just don't want to be here without her. If it wasn't for my kids I don't know what I would do. I am a pathetic mess.


Posted 15 November 2012 - 12:52 PM
Thank you so much. I have always had a very hard time talking to anyone about anything like this. This board is the first time I have ever told anything like this so I am reluctant to go to a therapist. I would go in a minute if she would go with me. I want to call her so bad I am just so d*** lost. God I hate this!!!!!!!

Posted 15 November 2012 - 03:37 PM
God this has been a very bad day. I promised my son we would play all day and I have tried but it is so hard to act happy. I keep having to go to bathroom and cry. The bad part I can't even see a end to it. God I hate myself so much for causing this. Besides myself all the kids are upset about it. I have hurt everyone I love. This sucks so bad.

Posted 16 November 2012 - 07:11 AM
Thank you. I am trying to be a better person it is just very hard right now. So far today seems a little better but i still have to take my little boy to her and that is usually a bad time. To see her and not be table to give her a hug and say I love you really does hurt a lot.

Posted 16 November 2012 - 12:26 PM
Thank you all again so much. We l knew today would not stay good.I found out for sure she has been talking to someone and she finally admitted it and I know the person. She did work with his wife years ago. I called him and he admitted it and said that he and his wife were having trouble and that is why they were talking but he said he didn't know if things would go any farther but he would make sure we were divorced first. I was so upset I couldn't take it. I left work and drove to her dads were she is staying to talk. I know I should not have done that and I knew on the way I shouldn't but I did anyway. She swears she would never want that but what do I believe? She says she is not in love with me anymore but still cares. She says seeing me this way isn't letting herself heal because she does still care and hates what I am going through. She also says it hurts her because she knows she can stop my pain by coming back but she knows it isn't the right thing to do. I just don't know what I am suppose to do. I miss her so much and hate the thought of her talking him. Even if she doesn't want that from him I am afraid if he makes her feel good she may start to feel that way. What do I do? I just want my family back so bad. I hate this.

Posted 16 November 2012 - 01:16 PM
Thank you Low. I don't know what else to say. I just miss her so much. When I find myself not thinking about her I feel guilty. I feel guilty if I just laugh about something. I know this sounds crazy but I want to be sad because if I cant have my family back I don't want to be happy. Does that make any sense?

Posted 16 November 2012 - 03:23 PM
No I don't go to church but I wish I did. Everyone here has been great. I just feel like I am in a very bad place. I thought my first divorce was bad but it was nothing like this. With our history I have and still do feel like I was meant to be with wife. I guess just because you are meant to be with someone doesn't mean they are meant to be with you.


Posted 16 November 2012 - 05:05 PM
Wow Low maybe you should be the therapist. There is nothing that can take this pain away except for her coming home but your post made me smile.

I love my kids more than anything and would not do anything but the best I know how to do for them. When I made the mistake of going by where she was staying today my son wanted me to stay but of course I couldn't so he cried. That made me feel so bad. I should have never went there. I get him at night and take him there during the day so I will see him in a little bit. I love to be with him and my daughter but it is very hard because it is so hard to act happy.

Posted 16 November 2012 - 06:57 PM
As bad as I want to see her I know I shouldn't but there is no other way around it.

I do have a good friend who I don't get to see much any more and he is very into church. I called him and talked with him for over a hour and he made me sit on the phone while he prayed for my children, my wife and myself. I couldn't believe it but it made me feel so much better. I am fixing to call my daughter and she if she will go to church with me and my little boy Sunday.

Thank you again so much for what you have done for me.

Posted 16 November 2012 - 07:39 PM
This is like a roller coaster. After all the help he gave and I felt so much better I just had to look at the cell phone bill again and see all the times she has talked to him. One day last week before she left I had left for work and was half way there and she called with a low tire on her car but I told her to drive it to the store and pump it up. Right after that on the bill I she where she called him. Why did I not just turn around and come home? I keep going from sad to mad to ok and back all over again. She has started working at a bar her dad owns and he goes there so I am killing myself thinking she is probably talking to him right now. This is so hard but I really don't want to even think about myself being happy without her. I am sorry I keep pouring all this stuff on you all but it just seems better when I can just let it out. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. I am so glad someone has been on here all day for me to chat with.

On a happy note my daughter is going with us Sunday.


Posted 16 November 2012 - 10:28 PM
I do want to say one thing. I said she is working for her dad at his bar. We have never been a couple that went to bars. We have both been against it. That is another reason this just seems so out of character.


Posted 17 November 2012 - 07:01 AM
This has been the longest night yet and is 7:00 in the morning. I went to bed at 11:00 woke up at 2:30 and still up. My 4 year old slept with me so I have just held him most of the night. I wrote her two letters tonight and when i take my son I am going to give them to her. The first was about her and him and the second about us. I was not hateful at all in either I only told my feelings. In the one about us I told her about me calling my friend and talking about everything I have done to her and also that he talked to me about god and prayed with me. She may not believe it because so knows I hide my emotions and never admit the money problems to anyone.

This is the third weekend she has worked at the bar. The first night she started she knew I was worried about her working there and when I got home from work she had left me a note that said "please remember I love you and will always come home to you.". That night is when she saw him and his wife at the bar and they began talking. I can't help but hold on to the little hope that she does still love me and she will realize the little relief he has given her isn't as strong as our love for one another. Am I crazy for hoping this and just kidding myself?


Posted 17 November 2012 - 10:44 AM
Well another crappy day but not so bad now. On my way to take my son to his mom she texted me and said "You told JD I was sleeping with a mechanic". JD is her step dad and I did not tell him that. He called me and asked if I needed to talk and I said yes. He talked to me and I told him she had been talking to someone but nothing else. He started in on me telling me that she had this planned and I needed to go over there and kick his butt. I said I would like to but that wasn't me. I know she isn't having a physical affair. This is why I am against bars. He gets drunk last night tells her mom I said she was having a affair then her mom calls her dad and tells him its his fault because he has her working there. Everything is getting so twisted. I took my son to her dads and I apologized to him and my wife. I told everything that had been said then I gave her the note about her and him. After she read it I read the other one to her and gave it to her. We talked and she said she is glad I am finding peace and cares for me but not in love. She says she can not look at me without thinking of all the things I have said to her to make her feel bad about herself. She said she told James to stop calling her because she just wants peace and he isn't bringing that. She says she wants me to realize that we will not be back together and she wants me to be happy but she isn't going to say she will think about coming back because she isn't. She said she isn't filing for divorce right now and it may be a few months.

I called my boss and he said it was fine if I stay home today so I am in the bed trying to sleep. It's crazy but even though she said all that I still have hope. I try to listen to every word and find something to give me hope. When she says it may be a few months before she files that gives me hope that she may not be sure. Why do I keep trying to find something when she says there is nothing there?

Posted 17 November 2012 - 01:49 PM
I have got about 2 hours of sleep today and I guess that is better than none. Now I am going from heart racing feeling desperate to feeling sad again. I don't know the wording for all the emotions but I guess the heart racing, feeling desperate would be anxiety. For me that is the worst. I hate that feeling of desperation. When I am sad I can have a good cry wallow in my self pity and feel a little better but the desperation is a helpless feeling.

One thing that bothers me now is the guilt of talking to you all on this board. That is what she wanted when she talked to James and I got mad about it but then I come here and do the same. The difference to me is that he just came out and told me he wanted more from her. Well crap here come the desperation again. Anytime I think about him that's what happens.


Posted 17 November 2012 - 02:17 PM
I did it again. I looked up how many times they have texted. 766 last month. Why do I do this to myself?


Posted 17 November 2012 - 04:01 PM
I know you are right and I have done that and I keep coming back. I have cleaned my house from top to bottom, I have walked around our property and I have went and tended to the horses but everytime I sit down I think about all this. I just want someone to talk to so I keep checking to see if anyone has posted and I have now got it to email me on my cell when there is a reply. That is why I have been posting back so often. When I was tending to the horses I was feeling a little better then received a picture text from her of my little boy playing outside on something. I say "lol what is he on?" and it has been over a hour with no reply. As soon as she sent that picture I immediately think she has thought about my letters and realizes we are meant to be then I don't even get a reply to a simple question about our son.

I am sorry I have been posting so much. I will cut it way back. It is just so nice when someone actually listens and knows what I am going through. I am sorry.


Posted 17 November 2012 - 09:40 PM
I just had a nice evening with my daughter and 4 year old. We went to eat then walked around a pet store then walked around a new Academy Sports that just opened. It was a nice time but I had to act happy alot but I am sure my daughter who is 14 could tell and knows i am hurting. I try to be the best dad I can and try to act normal but it is hard.

There were a couple of low points. My wife loves Brewster's Ice Cream and they just built a new one we had no idea was there a she has always described a bicycle she wants and I couldn't believe it but there was one at Academy just like she has always wanted. It's crazy how you notice little crazy things like that. I miss her so much. I could forgive her so easy for talking to him if she would just come home.


Posted 18 November 2012 - 08:15 AM
Last night I got a little sleep but was still a very long painful night. I woke up exactly every two hours thinking about her and wondering if she was talking to him. It hurts so much. Even though I keep looking for a little hope she will come back I know there is none. When I hear a car on the road I hope it's her coming home, a noise in the house I hope it's her, as soon I wake up I look to she if she is in the bed. I hate this so much. She use to be in love with me so much. She adored me. I hate myself for doing this. She loved me as much as I love her now and I know she had to hurt as much as I am when I was pushing away. How could I make her hurt so bad? How could I do this to the person I love so much? Physical pain has nothing on this mental pain I am going through.

All I can think about is the way her skin would feel when I touched her had or the way I use to lay in bed and rub her head and run my fingers through her hair until she fell asleep. I want to tell her these things but I know it would make it worse. I want to write another letter but she will probably think I am so desperate and pitiful. I am so lost I don't know what to do.


Ok today is definitely the low day so far. We go to church and today they are talking about honor. How you should honor you friends your family and god. They start talking about how not to take your spouse and kids for granted. Don't have a bad day and take it out on the ones you love. Well that is what I have done to her for the last couple of years so it hit home hard.

After church we went to eat and I just kept getting lower and lower. As soon as I got the chance away from the kids I totally screwed up and called her and asked her to please come home. I don't have to tell you what she said and she wasn't happy with me. Then I made it worse and asked if she was still talking to James. I am pushing her further and further away.



Posted 20 November 2012 - 10:42 AM
You all are all right. Yesterday was bad very bad. I went to work but all I could think of was her. It wasn't the sad feeling it is where your heart is pounding 1,000 beats a second and feels like adrenaline is rushing through you. I even did the stupid thing of sending flowers with a not and I had sent her a two page email the night before. I just knew she would be mad about the flowers and she texted and said thank you they were beautiful. When I go get my son she was sick so of course I want to take care of her. This is where I totally screwed up again. I try to talk to her about us and she starts shaking and screaming she has so much resentment for me she never wants that again, I asked her if she remembers how it felt when we said our vows in front of our families and she screams yes but she remembers how it felt everyday when I came home and she had to walk on egg shells scared she would say one thing that would make be go off. I was never physical with her just always griping. I asked her why she didn't leave to show me and she reminded me that she tried and I told her that if she left to not come back because I didn't believe in moving in and out. She is right that happened 3 different times. I would think that was when she still had a little love and wanted to show me but I didn't listen. I don't know how to cope with the thought that I made her hurt the same as the way I am. She said to not call her ever again or text unless it is about our son and if I did she would not answer, said she would love a week to be able to just think without anyone asking her about her and I. She did say she still talks to James everyday. I don't know if she said that to hurt me or if she does. She told me to burn anything else she had here. I asked about the wedding pictures and our sons baby pictures and she said yes because I lost the storage building that had the pictures of her other kids in it. Then she tells me to just go drive my truck off the road she didn't care. Does she really hate me this much?

After I got my son and left I drove straight to my dads and told him I need help that I am a wreck. This is a big step for me because I am a very private person. I finally broke down and told him about the storage building and how I have treated her everything. He called my sister and she came over. She gave me a nerve pill to help and it did a little. She has made doctor appointments for me. One is today and the other Monday. Although I still made mistakes this morning I sent her two texts that read "I know you don't want to hear from me but I just want you to know that I have a appointment with a counselor today at 4:00. I know you don't care but I just want you to be a little proud of me" then I sent this "This is a very big step for me. I told dad and connie everything even about the storage building. Christied I know you despise me but I don't care what anyone thinks of me except you. You ask me to get over you and I am trying. I have a appointment and a different doctor on Monday. I am trying just like you told me to. Do you really want me to drive my truck off the road?"

I know this was the wrong thing to do but she is the person I have always shared everything with and I just want to tell her everything. Be honest everyone does she really hate me or is she just pushing me away. Please tell me how bad I have screwed up.

I have lost way over 10lbs in a week and can not eat. If I try it goes straight through me. I have got to something to help. I have wonderful kids who I love very much that I can not be there for right now.


Posted 20 November 2012 - 09:32 PM
well I went for my first ever counseling session. It was a little weird talking to someone about private things but it was actually a relief and she told me things that really helped and it seemed like the hour went by in ten minutes and I am looking forward to next week. She had me call my wife and say certain things and also my step daughter. Both phone calls went well and I was really able to get through to my step daughter.I just apologized for the person I had become and told her I love her.


Posted Yesterday, 10:18 PM
I am doing this for myself but I still hope she sees I am working to become a better person because I love her with all my heart.


No to today. Last night I posted on her Facebook that I love her with all my heart and I hope the relationship status stays married forever. Well I get up this morning and she has taken it down and unfriended me. I called and she says she is beginning to hate me because after the talk I had with my stepdaughter she will not talk to her, then her dad gets on the phone and says now I am pissing him off because Courtaney will not talk to her mom. I never asked for that. All I said to her was that I am sorry for treating her mom the way I did and I hoped one day she would she that and we could be a family. God I do not know what to do. I just want my family.I know there has to be a little love left under all the hurt.
 

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3 words of advice.

Continue to focus on you and your therapy. You need it.

Let the Other Mans wife know that her Husband and your Wife are in a relationship that is hurting your marriage. I believe you said he was not divorced yet.

Your wife is having an Affair. Period. So of course she does not want to hear from you.

Continue to be a great Dad. All your kids need you now more than ever.

Time is on your side.

HM64
 

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I'm sorry to read all this ! Only 1 option you have is 180 !

NO contact with her for at least a month. Don't bother no matter what . She is very mad on you because you didn't stand up for her and she have to forget those things and this is time consuming.

So start 180, write here and no contact !

Good luck and stay strong !
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
The other mans wife knows. It is not a physical affair yet just emotional. Do I have any chance of ever getting her back? She has always been the love of my life.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Of course you have a chance, but that affair must be crushed.
How do i do that when the other wife knows? My counselor says not to call him again. I feel like she would not have left if they had not started talking but then i would not have realized i needed to change. What do i do? I am so lost. This is terrible.
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The other mans wife knows. It is not a physical affair yet just emotional. Do I have any chance of ever getting her back? She has always been the love of my life.
Expose her far and wide.

Family, friends, etc.

Then go dark.

You need to stall tall.

Like a rock.

You will NEVER "nice" you way back together.
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mmw,

So sorry to read all of this. I hope you will find some happiness soon. I wish I had a magic wand, but I don't. Folks on here are knowledgeable and will help.

Only the best wishes for you. I had a similar situation. Good luck to you.
 

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How do i do that when the other wife knows? My counselor says not to call him again. I feel like she would not have left if they had not started talking but then i would not have realized i needed to change. What do i do? I am so lost. This is terrible.
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You are not lost.

Stop.

Focus on you.
Focus on your therapy.
Focus on the things you can control in your life.

And realize this. You cannot control your wife, only your life!

In time you will realize you do not even want her home unless:

She is open with you.
Honest with you.
Willing to go to MC with you.
Has ended the Affair.

Focus on you.
 
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