Hi all, I'm new on here and after some advice really. Have been reading some other threads and looks like people can really help each other.
Bit of background - My wife and I have been together 5.5 yrs and married 3.5 yrs. we have a gorgeous 4 yr old daughter and she also has a 12 yr old and 8 yr old daughters from previous relationships (all 3 girls have different fathers). I am 39, she is 35. She is very beautiful. We were friends for a couple of years before getting together. When we did things happened quickly. We lived together after 6 weeks, she was pregnant after 5 months, we had the baby then got married after 20 months. Life was awesome, we had an amazing connection and did everything together. We both felt like we'd found the person to spend our lives with.
Then reality of raising 3 children started to set in, I was at work and she was a stay at home mum (which she was brilliant at). Anyway we got a bit stressed and had the normal arguments etc. we moved to a bigger house and started watching tv in different rooms some nights and started drifting apart. After 3.5 yrs together she asked me to move out as she wasn't happy. I was devastated and shocked, but did for 3 months and we went to MC to work on the marriage.
MC was great, we really worked on it, communicated much better and got back together after 3 long hard months. It was awesome at first after I moved back in and we went to Vegas to celebrate!
This was 18 months ago. Gradually life returned to normal and we started drifting apart again after christmas last year.
I was raised in a stable family ( both parents married 40 yrs) but not encouraged to show my feelings much, so I struggle with this even though I'm an emotional man. This has led to me not wanting to talk about feelings etc. with her too much and preferring to sweep issues under the carpet. she was raised by her mum as her dad sadly passed away when she was only 2 yrs old. Her mum is a strong woman but clumsy sometimes with her comments to others.
She had some weight issues when she was a teenager and her mum used to call her fat etc. this led to an eating disorder which she overcame, but has had an effect on her. One thing she had instilled in her was to just live for today as you don't know what's round the corner tomorrow. She does this big time ( not great with money and NO long term thinking).
We went on a family holiday to florida in late April this year which was brilliant. Her mother came too and we all got on great apart from a silly argument my wife and i had in the airport on the wayhome ( about extra baggage charges). Anyway We went out one night when we came back and I was conscious she wasnt being too affectionate with me and asked her about whether she saw us staying together for life. She said she didn't have a crystal ball, but yes unless one of us Cheated on each other then it probably would ( cheating is her big no no as her 1st husband did this to her and she left him- they were both young). Neither of USA has cheated on the other as this is both of our values.
Fast forward 6 weeks and we had a stupid argument one night. I ask her why she's being distant and not affectionate and she says " I dont know" then she says she thinks we're different people and should be with someone who is more like each of us. We talked for ages but didn't make any progress. The nex t night she said she didn't fancy me anymore because of lots,of little things that i'd done - like being grumpy when we went out sometimes and worrying about things at home when they went wrong. She also said I didn't have her back sometimes as she thought I'd criticised her rather than supported her sometimes.
I tried to talk her round, pleaded etc. as I lover her so much. She is a strong, independent woman ( like her mum who had to bring her and her brother up without a father for 16 yrs+). Nothing worked, she was adamant it was over. This was 3 months ago. She found a place to rent 10 miles from home and moved in 6 wks ago with the children. The day she moved out was the worst of my life ( I had to help her and she was cold and detached the whole time- like a stranger - she didn't even thank me). I let her take everything she wanted from,our house ( now regret this) as she had left the door open for me slightly by saying there were grey areas and she wanted space to think.
I manned up and didn't contact her much one she moved out apart from when we did handovers for the children. I get to see all 3 girls for 1 night midweek and my daughter every weekend. There's no issue with access and I'm paying generous child maintenance. I also bought her out of our home so that she could afford to move out to this new place.
Since she has moved she has spent £4k on a new car, £2k on new stuff for the house and clothes and paid off her overdrafts for another £2k. I think it's partly to make herself feel better about things. I know she feels bad and is guilty about uprooting the children. She also admitted she still has feelings for me and is guilty about how I'm hurting. I have been struggling to cope because I love her so much and miss her and the children as don't see them every day.
I have good friends and work colleagues who've been brilliant and really supportive. I don't know what I'd have done without them. I can't afford IC at the moment with buying her out but am keen to go ( I found out I have an abandonment issue when we Went to MC last time). Two of my workcolleages are counsellors in their spare time so they have helped me understand better. She has refused to go to MC or IC as she says she knows it won't work this time. She is guarded and detached.
I am getting stronger but not sleeping great and still think about her all the time. Go to the gym and eating well. She has been cold and detached and treats me like her two exs ( fathers of the other daughters) whom she's been split from for 8 and 12 yrs respectively. It's soul destroying and like she's a totally different person who just looks like my wife.
We do have some deep discussions sometimes, but it's on her terms... When she wants to. She has basically reinvented herself and has admitted to doing this before to cope with relationship breakdown.
I think she is carrying some real hurt inside as its hard to get close to her. She just gets,defensive and is fantastic at always being right. You can't really argue with her as,you'll end up worse off. She is good at blame shifting.
I have tried everything I can think of to get her back but she's not having it, so I'm at the point now where I think I just have to move on, as much as it hurts me. I have read about the 180 and am trying to implement, but we have to speak about the children some haven't had massive success so far.
I dread speaking to h or seeing her when we exchange the children as I still have so many strong feelings for her.
I guess I'm after any advice really, but it's helped just trying this all out. Thanks
Bit of background - My wife and I have been together 5.5 yrs and married 3.5 yrs. we have a gorgeous 4 yr old daughter and she also has a 12 yr old and 8 yr old daughters from previous relationships (all 3 girls have different fathers). I am 39, she is 35. She is very beautiful. We were friends for a couple of years before getting together. When we did things happened quickly. We lived together after 6 weeks, she was pregnant after 5 months, we had the baby then got married after 20 months. Life was awesome, we had an amazing connection and did everything together. We both felt like we'd found the person to spend our lives with.
Then reality of raising 3 children started to set in, I was at work and she was a stay at home mum (which she was brilliant at). Anyway we got a bit stressed and had the normal arguments etc. we moved to a bigger house and started watching tv in different rooms some nights and started drifting apart. After 3.5 yrs together she asked me to move out as she wasn't happy. I was devastated and shocked, but did for 3 months and we went to MC to work on the marriage.
MC was great, we really worked on it, communicated much better and got back together after 3 long hard months. It was awesome at first after I moved back in and we went to Vegas to celebrate!
This was 18 months ago. Gradually life returned to normal and we started drifting apart again after christmas last year.
I was raised in a stable family ( both parents married 40 yrs) but not encouraged to show my feelings much, so I struggle with this even though I'm an emotional man. This has led to me not wanting to talk about feelings etc. with her too much and preferring to sweep issues under the carpet. she was raised by her mum as her dad sadly passed away when she was only 2 yrs old. Her mum is a strong woman but clumsy sometimes with her comments to others.
She had some weight issues when she was a teenager and her mum used to call her fat etc. this led to an eating disorder which she overcame, but has had an effect on her. One thing she had instilled in her was to just live for today as you don't know what's round the corner tomorrow. She does this big time ( not great with money and NO long term thinking).
We went on a family holiday to florida in late April this year which was brilliant. Her mother came too and we all got on great apart from a silly argument my wife and i had in the airport on the wayhome ( about extra baggage charges). Anyway We went out one night when we came back and I was conscious she wasnt being too affectionate with me and asked her about whether she saw us staying together for life. She said she didn't have a crystal ball, but yes unless one of us Cheated on each other then it probably would ( cheating is her big no no as her 1st husband did this to her and she left him- they were both young). Neither of USA has cheated on the other as this is both of our values.
Fast forward 6 weeks and we had a stupid argument one night. I ask her why she's being distant and not affectionate and she says " I dont know" then she says she thinks we're different people and should be with someone who is more like each of us. We talked for ages but didn't make any progress. The nex t night she said she didn't fancy me anymore because of lots,of little things that i'd done - like being grumpy when we went out sometimes and worrying about things at home when they went wrong. She also said I didn't have her back sometimes as she thought I'd criticised her rather than supported her sometimes.
I tried to talk her round, pleaded etc. as I lover her so much. She is a strong, independent woman ( like her mum who had to bring her and her brother up without a father for 16 yrs+). Nothing worked, she was adamant it was over. This was 3 months ago. She found a place to rent 10 miles from home and moved in 6 wks ago with the children. The day she moved out was the worst of my life ( I had to help her and she was cold and detached the whole time- like a stranger - she didn't even thank me). I let her take everything she wanted from,our house ( now regret this) as she had left the door open for me slightly by saying there were grey areas and she wanted space to think.
I manned up and didn't contact her much one she moved out apart from when we did handovers for the children. I get to see all 3 girls for 1 night midweek and my daughter every weekend. There's no issue with access and I'm paying generous child maintenance. I also bought her out of our home so that she could afford to move out to this new place.
Since she has moved she has spent £4k on a new car, £2k on new stuff for the house and clothes and paid off her overdrafts for another £2k. I think it's partly to make herself feel better about things. I know she feels bad and is guilty about uprooting the children. She also admitted she still has feelings for me and is guilty about how I'm hurting. I have been struggling to cope because I love her so much and miss her and the children as don't see them every day.
I have good friends and work colleagues who've been brilliant and really supportive. I don't know what I'd have done without them. I can't afford IC at the moment with buying her out but am keen to go ( I found out I have an abandonment issue when we Went to MC last time). Two of my workcolleages are counsellors in their spare time so they have helped me understand better. She has refused to go to MC or IC as she says she knows it won't work this time. She is guarded and detached.
I am getting stronger but not sleeping great and still think about her all the time. Go to the gym and eating well. She has been cold and detached and treats me like her two exs ( fathers of the other daughters) whom she's been split from for 8 and 12 yrs respectively. It's soul destroying and like she's a totally different person who just looks like my wife.
We do have some deep discussions sometimes, but it's on her terms... When she wants to. She has basically reinvented herself and has admitted to doing this before to cope with relationship breakdown.
I think she is carrying some real hurt inside as its hard to get close to her. She just gets,defensive and is fantastic at always being right. You can't really argue with her as,you'll end up worse off. She is good at blame shifting.
I have tried everything I can think of to get her back but she's not having it, so I'm at the point now where I think I just have to move on, as much as it hurts me. I have read about the 180 and am trying to implement, but we have to speak about the children some haven't had massive success so far.
I dread speaking to h or seeing her when we exchange the children as I still have so many strong feelings for her.
I guess I'm after any advice really, but it's helped just trying this all out. Thanks
