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If your spouse(tells you they're not happy and) wants out do you try to talk them out of it?

  • No, I will help them leave.

    Votes: 29 85.3%
  • Yes, I would show them what we had and have.

    Votes: 5 14.7%
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I took my wife to Ruth's Chris last night for dinner, it was over booked so we went to Longhorn. Someone advised me to make a real attempt to save my marriage. We talked, laughed and played a game on her phone while we waited to be seated. After dinner in the car on the way home she assured that she was done and sorry that it wasn't going to work out like I'd hoped. The book that I'm reading has 5 stages, from what I can tell I'm at stage 4.
Doing the infamous “pick me dance” never works. You chase they move farther away.
Rewarding bad behavior gets you what? More of it.

A lot just won’t listen though. They just come here to vent.
 

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Discussion Starter · #84 ·
I don
You ain't going to buy her love by taking her to an over-priced steak house. What were you thinking? Good thing Ruth's was over booked as that would have been a very bad investment.

The only thing that might get your wife's attention is if she sees you behaving like a fully functional adult. Develop an interest that gets you out of the house, make a friend, improve your wardrobe and learn how to cook. Your comment about taking your wife out to eat 1 or 2 nights a week for the last few months in an effort to improve the marriage indicates that she was stuck in the kitchen the majority of the marriage.
I do have a slight case of undiagnosed social anxiety. Any tips on how to get over that or could you recommend a book or something?
 

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I don

I do have a slight case of undiagnosed social anxiety. Any tips on how to get over that or could you recommend a book or something?
The best way to confront phobias or phobic-like conditions is to push your comfort level to its limit and maintain that position until you become comfortable with it before you push farther out.

I had a deathly fear of heights. I could not be comfortable more than a couple of stories. When I had a chance to go to the top floor of the Manulife Place, the tallest building in my city at the time, I hit the floor when I looked out the window. I just could not handle the height. I had to crawl to the stairway to get away from that.

So, I decided to challenge it. When I had a chance to go up a few floors and go down, I did just that. I would go up as high as I could and I would stay there until I had enough and then, at some point, I would go up again and maintain the position until I eventually became comfortable at that height. When the Exhibition would come to town, I would ride the100' ferris wheel, even though it meant holding on to the pole for dear through the ride. I would keep doing that until I became comfortable with it.

Since then, I've been in taller buildings and I can look down without too much fear.

So, that's the best way to address it. Whatever gives you social anxiety, go do that and do it until you are uncomfortable. Don't condemn yourself when you quit, because you were brave to have even decided to do something about it. At some point later, do it again and again and again. Until you are reasonably comfortable and then push yourself farther.

You don't need to eat the whole hog in this process.
 

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Discussion Starter · #86 ·
The best way to confront phobias or phobic-like conditions is to push your comfort level to its limit and maintain that position until you become comfortable with it before you push farther out.

I had a deathly fear of heights. I could not be comfortable more than a couple of stories. When I had a chance to go to the top floor of the Manulife Place, the tallest building in my city at the time, I hit the floor when I looked out the window. I just could not handle the height. I had to crawl to the stairway to get away from that.

So, I decided to challenge it. When I had a chance to go up a few floors and go down, I did just that. I would go up as high as I could and I would stay there until I had enough and then, at some point, I would go up again and maintain the position until I eventually became comfortable at that height. When the Exhibition would come to town, I would ride the100' ferris wheel, even though it meant holding on to the pole for dear through the ride. I would keep doing that until I became comfortable with it.

Since then, I've been in taller buildings and I can look down without too much fear.

So, that's the best way to address it. Whatever gives you social anxiety, go do that and do it until you are uncomfortable. Don't condemn yourself when you quit, because you were brave to have even decided to do something about it. At some point later, do it again and again and again. Until you are reasonably comfortable and then push yourself farther.

You don't need to eat the whole hog in this process.
I'll think about that. I have a slight fear of just going places alone, grocery stores, parks, general public places, etc. I go to work and talk with people because I have to. I went to college because I had to. Sometimes it was like a had a mask on in public. Looking back on it now I am actually proud of myself for being able to go to school. Maybe it gets worse with age. I don't know. And I'm pretty sure this is also one of my wife's issues with me. Lately I have been stopping at the grocery store and buying a few things. This is a big deal for me.
 

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I'll think about that. I have a slight fear of just going places alone, grocery stores, parks, general public places, etc. I go to work and talk with people because I have to. I went to college because I had to. Sometimes it was like a had a mask on in public. Looking back on it now I am actually proud of myself for being able to go to school. Maybe it gets worse with age. I don't know. And I'm pretty sure this is also one of my wife's issues with me. Lately I have been stopping at the grocery store and buying a few things. This is a big deal for me.
Four points to that.

1. Wear sunglasses, so you don't draw attention to the fearful look in your eyes.
2. Nobody is going to notice you, unless you are dancing in the street. They may look at you, but that's because they themselves tend to notice others around them more than average. But they are not thinking about you specifically.
3. Smile when interacting, so the other person feels more comfortable. People tend to mirror the other person. If you act withdrawn, they will withdraw from you. If you smile, they will smile.
4. It is a big deal. You are confronting your fears when you go out. That is something to be happy about.
 

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Discussion Starter · #88 ·
Four points to that.

1. Wear sunglasses, so you don't draw attention to the fearful look in your eyes.
2. Nobody is going to notice you, unless you are dancing in the street. They may look at you, but that's because they themselves tend to notice others around them more than average. But they are not thinking about you specifically.
3. Smile when interacting, so the other person feels more comfortable. People tend to mirror the other person. If you act withdrawn, they will withdraw from you. If you smile, they will smile.
4. It is a big deal. You are confronting your fears when you go out. That is something to be happy about.
Thank you. lol, I have sunglasses in every vehicle that I own. I never leave without them. I like your tips, I've never heard your 3rd tip, thanks! I will work on that one asap.
 

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Discussion Starter · #89 ·
Four points to that.

1. Wear sunglasses, so you don't draw attention to the fearful look in your eyes.
2. Nobody is going to notice you, unless you are dancing in the street. They may look at you, but that's because they themselves tend to notice others around them more than average. But they are not thinking about you specifically.
3. Smile when interacting, so the other person feels more comfortable. People tend to mirror the other person. If you act withdrawn, they will withdraw from you. If you smile, they will smile.
4. It is a big deal. You are confronting your fears when you go out. That is something to be happy about.
My wife is the exact opposite. She's very independent. I actually admire that about her. I'm scared as crap and I really wanted to leave this world with her by my side, I love her more than anything, but deep down I think this is best for us both. I should have dealt with this 30 years ago.
 

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Discussion Starter · #91 ·
Family/Friends/Forlorn:
If I could go back in time I would spend more time with my extended family. After marriage we moved away and just focused on or family(we have a son and a daughter). 10,20 ,30 years go by and you don't even know your extended family anymore. My social anxiety was there as a child growing up so I wasn't really close to my extended family. So I didn't see a lot of my extended family then.

My wife never really cared(as much as I did) about making couple friends through the years. Most of the time I personally felt adequate being out and talking to people alongside my wife. I felt(and feel) this way with my brother also. And I never accepted the invites from people(strangers that I met while out alone) that invited me to continue the business conversation that took place or the invites to play golf, etc. Obviously my anxiety played a role here too.

So dealing with all of this is going to be the biggest challenge I've ever had to face. I often compare myself to a bird that is flying alone. It's dark and only the stars are seen above and below in the ocean. I'm tired. Too tired to think about food. All I want to do is find somewhere to sit and rest, to sleep. I don't even know how many days I've been flying. And why is it always night? But the further I fly just seems to make it worse. Nothing here. The quietness is spooky. And every few hours I hear a weird noise that I can't recognize that scares me even more. I timely try not to breath because I want to hear if something is near me. I can't see anything. It's just lonely, dark and it's getting cold.
 

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Discussion Starter · #92 ·
Just got the electric account switched over into my name($0 deposit). I plan to call the water company tomorrow. And I found a local church that holds group sessions for divorced or separated couples. I registered online yesterday I also found a church that holds sessions for drug treatment. My son agreed to start going tomorrow( every Friday night). I'm learning how to do the paperwork my wife was doing. I had someone come over to give me an estimate on house cleaning. I'm going to try to get help and just focus on me,...mentally, financially and spiritually.
 

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Discussion Starter · #93 ·
I'm noticing that my wife is acting a little more crankier. I'm trying to accept this separation/divorce and it's hard, but I'm getting better. I don't know the exact date she's leaving just that it's at the end of this month. I try to think of the positive things that I will be doing. Sometimes when she talks about what she's taking with her from our home the reality hurts a little. But I'm working on it. I feel like she gets happier knowing that it hurts me, I don't know. But when I do feel better about it, ex. I took an old empty shoe rack that hangs on the bathroom door off for her to either trash it or keep she got pissed and told me to put it back! She argued about it for about 6 minutes, saying that it's been there for years and why would I take it down. She really wanted to know why. I just hung the thing back on the door.

I'm getting ready to go to the church with my son tonight. The addiction group.
 

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Discussion Starter · #94 ·
Just got back from the church. A+. I joined with my son. I plan to go every Friday night. I think my son liked it also. Their approach to getting rid of any addiction or any grief is through being saved. If that works for my son that would be 2 birds with 1 stone. I'll probably keep going to this(Friday Night Addition) and the Wednesday Separation Group.
 

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Just got back from the church. A+. I joined with my son. I plan to go every Friday night. I think my son liked it also. Their approach to getting rid of any addiction or any grief is through being saved. If that works for my son that would be 2 birds with 1 stone. I'll probably keep going to this(Friday Night Addition) and the Wednesday Separation Group.
Having a relationship with the Lord and following his path is helpful for working through strongholds, but it takes commitment and work.

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I'm noticing that my wife is acting a little more crankier. I'm trying to accept this separation/divorce and it's hard, but I'm getting better. I don't know the exact date she's leaving just that it's at the end of this month. I try to think of the positive things that I will be doing. Sometimes when she talks about what she's taking with her from our home the reality hurts a little. But I'm working on it. I feel like she gets happier knowing that it hurts me, I don't know. But when I do feel better about it, ex. I took an old empty shoe rack that hangs on the bathroom door off for her to either trash it or keep she got pissed and told me to put it back! She argued about it for about 6 minutes, saying that it's been there for years and why would I take it down. She really wanted to know why. I just hung the thing back on the door.

I'm getting ready to go to the church with my son tonight. The addiction group.
This is a good start.
Why don’t you start packing up all her stuff you want out of there? That ought to send a message to her that you are becoming independent.
Seriously, start helping her get her crap out of your way! Don’t put it back when she complains! She said she was leaving and you’re just helping her.

Why would you back down? Stop letting her be the boss of you and your space. Why is she still there? When is she going to actually move?

Do you have an addiction problem as well as your son?
 

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This is a good start.
Why don’t you start packing up all her stuff you want out of there? That ought to send a message to her that you are becoming independent.
Seriously, start helping her get her crap out of your way! Don’t put it back when she complains! She said she was leaving and you’re just helping her.

Why would you back down? Stop letting her be the boss of you and your space. Why is she still there? When is she going to actually move?

Do you have an addiction problem as well as your son?
Great point! But I would take it a step further and pass that job onto her. ‘Take your stuff out by next week, new furniture is arriving’. Don’t ask, don’t discuss, don’t reply. Make it final.
 

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I'm noticing that my wife is acting a little more crankier. I'm trying to accept this separation/divorce and it's hard, but I'm getting better. I don't know the exact date she's leaving just that it's at the end of this month. I try to think of the positive things that I will be doing. Sometimes when she talks about what she's taking with her from our home the reality hurts a little. But I'm working on it. I feel like she gets happier knowing that it hurts me, I don't know. But when I do feel better about it, ex. I took an old empty shoe rack that hangs on the bathroom door off for her to either trash it or keep she got pissed and told me to put it back! She argued about it for about 6 minutes, saying that it's been there for years and why would I take it down. She really wanted to know why. I just hung the thing back on the door.

I'm getting ready to go to the church with my son tonight. The addiction group.
She shouldn't be dictating what she will be taking. That is part of the divorce settlement. You have a say in what assets she gets and what assets you get. What does your attorney say about this?
 

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Discussion Starter · #99 ·
This is a good start.
Why don’t you start packing up all her stuff you want out of there? That ought to send a message to her that you are becoming independent.
Seriously, start helping her get her crap out of your way! Don’t put it back when she complains! She said she was leaving and you’re just helping her.

Why would you back down? Stop letting her be the boss of you and your space. Why is she still there? When is she going to actually move?

Do you have an addiction problem as well as your son?
The only addiction I have is loving my family. The addiction group also helps with anxiety, grief, etc.
 

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Discussion Starter · #100 ·
She shouldn't be dictating what she will be taking. That is part of the divorce settlement. You have a say in what assets she gets and what assets you get. What does your attorney say about this?
We don't really have shared assets that I have to have. Anything in our home that we bought for us she can have it. I don't really have an attorney but I have talked with a neighbor a couple of times that is a retired attorney. He can send referrals, when I'm ready.
 
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