[youngandold]

I'm a pretty calm person by my wife is always yelling at me. We have 2 daughters who are 29 months and 9 months old. My daughters and I have a great relationship but my wife hurts my relationship with them. My oldest and I will be having fun/playing and my wife will come into the room and start yelling about how I'm not doing this or that. So we start to yell and my daughter tells us to stop yelling.
I honestly feel the problem is my father in law can't function on his own and my mother in law/wife have to tell him what to do all the time. He can function physically but mentally he has to be told what to do almost every minute of the day. I'm afraid my wife sees me that way and has to tell me what to do every second of every day.
Example: I'm playing with my daughters and notice my youngest is close to the stairs or something that could hurt her, I'm well aware of whats going on but my wife will come into the room and start yelling at me about not being aware of what they are doing. I can't do anything with my daughters without her interfering and telling me that I'm not watching them to make sure they don't get hurt.
I'm at a loss of what to do. My oldest daughter has been hitting me and I think it's because she sees how my wife treats me.

 

[Bottled Up]

My answer will probably get big criticism from most people in here, but I'm the type of person that fights fire with fire. The bigger problem you have is that you tolerate your family treating you poorly. By doing this, you are not being respected as the big man in charge in your household... Instead your family thinks they can walk all over you.

My approach to my own family life is being a calm and funny and playful guy, but as soon as disrespect comes my way I have a vicious mean streak in me that can surface in an instant. Kind of like a shock-and-awe approach... My retaliation is swift and it makes a point quickly and then I back off immediately to let them reflect on what just happened.

If someone yells at you then you get right up in their face and let them know they're out of line and you won't be disrespected like that. If one of your kids hits you then you grab their arm immediately and squeeze it and get right up in their face with anger and scare the crap out of them to make your point.

But then release... Make it quick and don't prolong it. Leave them to their crying for a while and then come back to them 10 minutes later in a completely calm demeanor and talk to them about what they did wrong, and make sure you lead them into an apology for hitting. And then end it with a firm point about how hitting is unacceptable. Then a hug and kiss when they've shown understanding and remorse for their actions.

It's all about consequence. If there's no consequences for treating you like crap then here's no reason to stop. You need to flex some muscle and show them daddy ain't no doormat.
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[youngandold]

I do yell back and my daughter gets upset and tells us to stop yelling. I told my wife I'm going to start treating her like she does me but I don't want to do that to my kids. I'm tired of the yelling all the time. Her family does nothing but yell at each other so I know where it comes from. Her mother is an evil witch (seriously my wife says that) and I see where she gets the yelling from. She has made an appointement for a counselor but I don't think it will help.

 

[Bottled Up]

Don't give up on a counselor before it even happens. Now hat I know your wife's family has a history of yelling it casts a little more depth into the scenario. The benefit of a counselor is that they are a 3rd party opinion un-biased about your relationship. Sometimes we don't listen to the person closest to us because we think its a jaded opinion... So having an intervention from outside the relationship could really help. Make sure your wife goes to those counseling appointments, but to show her some support and commitment it would be good if you could find a way to go with her. You may not need the counseling but being there for your wife could go a long way in showing commitment to her and your relationship.

I still stand by my approach with the kids though.... You need to train then like a dog. When they act out there needs to be some consequences to learn from.
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[endlessgrief]

Yelling back isn't a good idea because it scares the children and accomplishes nothing. Your wife needs to show you more respect. What she is doing is not okay. Don't let her browbeat you until you are broken.

My therapist told me that whenever my dad yelled at me to JUST WALK AWAY (my dad is verbally abusive and my childhood was crap, hence the therapy).

No dirty looks, no arguing, JUST WALK AWAY FROM HER. Hopefully, she will learn that every time she yells at you, the price is you leaving her presence. Kinda like teaching a chicken to ring a bell when they want food. Pavlov's dog type thing.

Indifference is worse than anger. Don't let her get a rise out of you. Don't play her game anymore. You can't reason with a yeller because they will find someway to blame YOU for everything.

Just become a ghost.

 

[youngandold]

I will try the walk away method. I'm trying to find away to deal with this because I can't take it much longer. I love her to death but I cannot be in a house where everyone is yelling at each other.

 

[endlessgrief]

Cool, the walk away method is non aggressive and shows your dignity. Stick to your guns, and don't tell her your plan. Just be a mime (but not as stupid )

 

[Dubya]

If my wife acts that way towards me, and, if i dont get caught up in directly fighting back, I tell her I'm going to stick it in her butt and smile at her. This shocks her back to reality and reestablishes a little bit of dominance. And I think it's funny...

However, my wife doesn't go off the deep end like you describe. In your case, a good counselor should help. Give that a shot and get some coping advice too.

 

[Hicks]

Stand up, walk up to her, look her right in the eye. Stay calm, firm and serious and say "stop yelling at me". Then go right back to what you are doing. If she keeps yelling at you tell her to leave the room and come back when she can speak to you properly.

 

[Emerald]

I think she needs outside help (counseling) to learn how to stop yelling. You are smart to identify the source of it - her family. Right or wrong, it's her way of communicating.

It will get worse if she doesn't learn how to stop as the children get older & more demanding. I hope she realizes it's a problem soon & gets help.

 

[Uptown]

My wife is always yelling at me.

Young, welcome to the TAM forum. I strongly agree with BottledUp that you must allow your W to suffer the logical consequences of her own childish, belligerent behavior. But I also agree with EndlessGrief that those logical consequences should be withdrawal or silence, especially in the presence of children. Clearly, your W thrives on drama, which is all she has known since childhood. It therefore is important not to play her game and feed her need for continual drama.

She has made an appointment for a counselor but I don't think it will help.

Probably not. MC can do wonders if her only problem is a lack of communication skills. If she has moderate to strong traits of a personality disorder, however, MC will likely be a total waste of time (and may even make things worse) until she has had several years of therapy in IC to address her underlying issues. Learning better communication skills may make a woman more manipulative if she has far more serious issues such as inability to trust, lack of control over her emotions, and inability to do self soothing.

What behaviors -- other than the temper tantrums, controlling behavior, and verbal abuse -- are you seeing in your W? Do you see, for example, any irrational jealousy when you are around other women? Do you see her flipping between Jekyll and Hyde, i.e., sometimes pushing you away (by starting arguments over nothing) and then later pulling you back (by acting extra caring and loving)? Does she have lots of casual friends but no long-term close friends? Does she often do black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" (i.e., with me) or "all bad" (i.e., against me)?

Her family does nothing but yell at each other so I know where it comes from. Her mother is an evil witch.

The main problem with being raised in a family like that is the risk of damage having been done to her emotional core before age five. If that happened, you likely are seeing strong aspects of a PD. Hence, regardless of what you do with MC, I suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. Take care, Young.

 

[Ten_year_hubby]

I will try the walk away method. I'm trying to find away to deal with this because I can't take it much longer. I love her to death but I cannot be in a house where everyone is yelling at each other.

youngandold,

It sounds to me like your wife has an aggressive communication style which can be difficult to get used to if you weren't raised that way. The only way everyone can be yelling at each other is if you participate. You should not be yelling under any circumstances no matter what you wife does or doesn't do or say. Please do whatever you need to get your self control and the problem of everyone yelling will be solved.

 

[EnjoliWoman]

Would you be able to say that, until she can calmly make these requests you're going to leave and then take both children for a walk/bike ride/wagon ride/drive/to the park, etc...? That way the children are removed from the yelling as well as yourself?