[Karlind87]

Hey all...
New here, but I want to share my story.
My wife and I have been married for seven years. I'm in the military and we have had children together.
Our marriage has been a wave of good and bad cycles. Where she threatens to leave and I'll convince her to stay by making the changes necessary to make her happy and be the husband that she wants me to be. And then we are both happy. This has happened several times in our marriage and I end up regressing back into the bad habits, and its ALWAYS the same problem. Not infidelity, its just that I tend to not convey how I feel very effectively towards her and our children.
Earlier this year we both had gone to counselling for some events that had taken place in our lives and things got ALOT better for a few months.
I sent her back home for the duration of my upcoming deployment and I became detached from her for no good reason at all. Call it whatever you may, but I don't have an excuse for that. Also, a pretty significant event took place while I was on leave and I didn't react the way that you would expect a husband you loved his wife to react. She got into a car accident and luckily, neither her or my daughter was hurt in it. According to her I didn't react the way a loving husband would when there wife and daughter had such a traumatic experience.
Now she is saying that as soon as I return from this deployment she is going to serve me with divorce papers. We still talk every day. She hasn't shut down any line of communication. We both acknowledge that we are going to be as civil as one can be about this. I just feel cheated that I loved her enough to send her home and she isn't willing to allow me one last shot at making this work after I get back from this deployment.
I'm hoping you all, can help me gain some perspective on this and maybe some advice?

R/S
I may have posted this in the wrong section. My reasoning behind posting it here is because we are in fact, "seperated" her at home and me at my military base.

 

[synthetic]

I won't get into details of why you shouldn't trust your wife about her commitment, but as a military wife, she's highly likely to have ended up in an affair.

Regardless, based on your history, I'd say you're a "fixer", constantly feeling guilty for who you are (subconsciously). You probably believe in "Giving love, to get love". You are most likely a "nice guy".

You can't control how your wife feels or what she does. You cannot 'nice' your way out of this, or change yourself to be the husband she wants. She doesn't want you.

You're in for a period of intense pain and anxiety. Make it count by becoming the person you really should be.

You're much more deserving and stronger than you think you are. If your wife can't see that, then it's her loss. Follow this list to the T and don't backtrack.

Synthetic's 10 Commandments:

1. Read this link - Just Let Them Go

2. Follow the following rules: The 180 degree rules

3. Read this book in the next 24 hours: https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glo...r_Nice_Guy.pdf

4. Separate all finances and stop supporting her 'single' lifestyle

5. Book a counseling appointment ASAP

6. Doesn't matter how you do it, but sweat the pain of anxiety out. Treadmills are your best friend. Use them. This is very important: You need to physically feel spent before you hit bed every night.

7. Think a lot, read a lot, and cry as needed - This particular link should be open in your browser at all times and read multiple times: DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?

8. Find your social worth by socializing with as many people as possible (females work better). Spend times with friends, but don't just settle for your circle of friends. This is the best time to make new ones and feel attractive/attracted. You're not looking for sex or a relationship. You're looking for natural human attraction between you and others.

9. Do whatever it takes to go on a trip that involves a long flight, preferably to a country where English or your first language is not spoken

10. Start living an 'overly' fun life without feeling any guilt. This is the hardest task ahead. It's important to wash the guilt out of yourself once you have realized where it originates from via all the reading and counseling you've done.

 

[Karlind87]

Thanks for all the great info. I'm already talking to a counselor and these articles really helped to put things in perspective. The positive affirmations are going to be vital to me for the rest of my life, no matter who I am with.

Thank you so much.

 

[ItMatters]

I get sick of how the FIRST thing so many BS's post is that it's always cheating. Even after the OP says long-time trouble and he KNOWS he has been at fault for a good part of the problem.

How many chances should the wife give the OP? He's already said they have been through this cycle of improving and then backsliding several times. And he admitted he 1) detached from her emotionally during his deployment and 2) sounds like he blew off her trauma from a car accident.

He 'cares' about her enough to send her home during his employment- but not enough to stay connected to her.

I'd say she is doing the right thing- she's stated her intent to divorce and she will no doubt find someone who WILL give her that emotional connection that she places as her #1 priority which the OP obviously doesn't care enough about to make it a priority to him too.

Don't be throwing it all on the wife.

 

[synthetic]

Don't be throwing it all on the wife.

The act of wanting a divorce is ALL on the wife. He shares no blame in her quitting the marriage.

I get sick of how the FIRST thing so many BS's post is that it's always cheating.

Not always, but most of the time. Stats don't lie.

How many chances should the wife give the OP?

NONE. She stopped giving people 'chances' the moment she said "I DO". There's no giving 'chances' in a marriage. Marriage is considered a 'forever' contract. Without abuse and infidelity, divorce is not justified unless it becomes a mutual decision.

I'd say she is doing the right thing- she's stated her intent to divorce and she will no doubt find someone who WILL give her that emotional connection that she places as her #1 priority which the OP obviously doesn't care enough about to make it a priority to him too.

Highly unlikely. Again, stats don't lie

 

[Karlind87]

Forgive me for sharing this info a bit late.
This past December, we were at the trough of our wave, and she wanted to divorce. In this state of emotional wreck, she went and had an affair with a mutual friend of ours (which didn't work out for her and made the relationship with our friend AWKWARD). I pleaded with her to let me make her happy and she was good enough to tell me that she had an affair and that if I chose to pursue this relationship she wanted me to know that. I love her so much that we pushed past it.
It was at about this time that I learned a few things about myself and I made the choice to go to individual counseling, if only to learn about myself and that if she also chose to work on our marriage that she should consider going as well. Even if it was just individual counseling. Needless to say, we both ended up in marriage counseling and our relationship improved significantly. I felt that I dealt with the infidelity well. We had spoken to each other about it and grieved over it, but up until now it felt like we had really gotten over that hurdle. I guess the best way I can put it is that when I found out. It was almost as if I was violated. Either way we persevered and things were well for awhile.
Now it's more like she is throwing her hands up and raising the white flag, but I'm not prepared (I don't think anyone is) to face this harsh reality that the relationship with my wife is going to end, and I won't be able to be there for my two beautiful children.
I'm going to go on this deployment with the impending doom that my marriage is going to end, and its just a lot to deal with.

 

[synthetic]

I get sick of how the FIRST thing so many BS's post is that it's always cheating.

This past December, we were at the trough of our wave, and she wanted to divorce. In this state of emotional wreck, she went and had an affair with a mutual friend of ours

ItMatters, you see how you get sick of things without just cause?

 

[forumman83]

Forgive me for sharing this info a bit late.
This past December, we were at the trough of our wave, and she wanted to divorce. In this state of emotional wreck, she went and had an affair with a mutual friend of ours (which didn't work out for her and made the relationship with our friend AWKWARD). I pleaded with her to let me make her happy and she was good enough to tell me that she had an affair and that if I chose to pursue this relationship she wanted me to know that. I love her so much that we pushed past it.
It was at about this time that I learned a few things about myself and I made the choice to go to individual counseling, if only to learn about myself and that if she also chose to work on our marriage that she should consider going as well. Even if it was just individual counseling. Needless to say, we both ended up in marriage counseling and our relationship improved significantly. I felt that I dealt with the infidelity well. We had spoken to each other about it and grieved over it, but up until now it felt like we had really gotten over that hurdle. I guess the best way I can put it is that when I found out. It was almost as if I was violated. Either way we persevered and things were well for awhile.
Now it's more like she is throwing her hands up and raising the white flag, but I'm not prepared (I don't think anyone is) to face this harsh reality that the relationship with my wife is going to end, and I won't be able to be there for my two beautiful children.
I'm going to go on this deployment with the impending doom that my marriage is going to end, and its just a lot to deal with.

I have to agree with Synthetic. What I am seeing a lot of and what my own personal experience has been, is that women get crazy amounts of attention from outside of their relationship. At the gym, at work, at the coffee shop, at ANYWHERE they go. This is the type of attention that, I believe, the Husband can't possibly match!

Relationships evolve, or are supposed to evolve, from lust to love but It seems like many women want or expect something that doesn't exist.

My STBX, for example would say the following "there is nothing about you I don't like, you are everything a girl would want and you have everything going for you; I know you are trying really hard but something is missing."

Or, a friend of mine who was living common-law for several years with his girlfriend would go through the same thing. His GF would constantly **** test him and say that he doesn't love her enough. She went wayward and has since found herself involved with some of the biggest scumbags in the universe (scumbags who cannot possibly give her the "LOVE" that she says she so deeply desires). I know this because I work hand-in-hand with one of the guys she hooked up with.

This guy has had sex with so many different women it is ridiculous. Yet somehow she leaves her BF (whos at least a "pretty good guy" and hooks up with this guy who has no sense of commitment or direction in his life)

After she hooks up with this dou*hbag, she finds herself attached to another immature guy who is incapable of giving her the "LOVE" that she so desperately needs.

I would love to get a female's perspective on this. From my perspective, I became like the "perfect guy." I had a direction, a purpose. I always tried to show her how much I loved her. I always made sure she knew I was there for her; yet in her eyes, something was always missing. I couldn't help but think that something WAS in fact missing: Something DEEP INSIDE OF HER.

 

[synthetic]

Karlind,

Your wife is a cheater. She's most likely cheating on you right now as you're deployed. Your marriage ended long ago. You just didn't want to accept it.

I know it's a lot to deal with, but if you follow the 10 Commandments, I promise you will be in a much better place within a few weeks. It's proven to work. I'm your proof and so are a lot of other members here.

Don't backtrack, and please please please, go completely DARK on your cheating selfish wife.

 

[Karlind87]

I understand that this is going to be hard, but I'll try. I won't be able to be completely dark because she takes care of our kids...

 

[Santa]

Only talk about kids then and keep it short and to the point. Not ugly but now nice.

And DONT make excuses in your mind to justify contacting her by using the kids. ALL you need is basic info.


Otherwise follow the 10 Commandments