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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Without going into too much detail, my wife had threatened a separation or divorce previously in our marriage due to us not getting along (no violence, cheating, stealing, etc... just both of us feeling disrespected and unappreciated by the other) but this past weekend she seems to have come to her decision to separate and ultimately divorce despite my desire to try harder to save our marriage.

We own a home together and more than likely owe more than it is worth. When she decided it was time to separate she left to go stay with her step-grandmother and left me alone at home (we have no children). Now while she is stating that we will keep our bills split between the two of us until we figure everything out in terms of our separation and impending divorce, she wanted to discuss living arrangements. She says that it is unfair for me to stay at our home full time and that because she is still paying half of the bills I should at least stay one night somewhere else during the week and one day somewhere else on the weekend. She says that she wants to treat the house like it's a child with joint visitation rights.

I don't entirely agree with her. This weekend, however, I will give in to her request and go stay with a friend and his family (it will be nice to talk to him about all of this, anyway) and will return later the next day to discuss more of our bills, etc. I am afraid that if I stand my ground very firmly and say that no, I will not be staying somewhere else on a regular basis and that I would rather stay in our guest room and leave her alone that she will become angry and hostile and will try to escalate matters. I am really not sure how to deal with this. I do not want to stay anywhere but our home (it is MINE and HERS equally) but she said she won't stay there when I am there.

To further complicate matters I am currently a contract employee and my contract is up in April and my employer has implied that they do not intent to hire me on permanently. I only took this contract position to help my wife and I pay down some of our considerable debt. I have no benefits through work whatsoever and my wife makes slightly more than I do at the moment.

I am very afraid of what the future may hold and feel she is being very unfair in trying to force me to not be home multiple nights per week so that she can have the house to herself.
 

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With the probable negative equity, have you considered either cutting your losses and selling anyway or perhaps renting it out to cover the mortgage while you get separate places?

I don't see any reason you should have to move out part time but the flip side is, why should she pay towards a house she isn't comfortable being in. Would you be able to keep it going if she stopped contributing?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
K.C.,

If I were a permanent employee then yes, I could afford to keep it. However, my contract being up in April, I cannot commit to that large of a payment given that I may be unemployed and if I do get a job it more than likely will pay much less than I am making now. Also, we cannot rent it for as much as our mortgage & HOA dues are. It would require us both to keep up with paying the mortgage still. And if we sell and have negative equity then that's yet another payment or debt to add to what we owe on credit cards, loans, etc.

I told her that SHE is the one who is deciding to leave and that it is unfair for her try and force me to stay elsewhere period and she says that she doesn't want to come back to our home and "give me false hope." As for why should she have to pay... because we both took out the mortgage together. Just like the rest of our collective debit. All accumulated together, all with my assumption that one of us wouldn't just be "giving up."

With the probable negative equity, have you considered either cutting your losses and selling anyway or perhaps renting it out to cover the mortgage while you get separate places?

I don't see any reason you should have to move out part time but the flip side is, why should she pay towards a house she isn't comfortable being in. Would you be able to keep it going if she stopped contributing?
 

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Don't leave your home! If she wants out of the marriage - she can leave. Sit down with her and express what you have written here in a calm and cool manner. If she gets animated and loud - don't match her intensity. Simply state: I'm not ok leaving our home.

Till matters are resolved, give her the space that she needs and avoid engaging her in any emotional drama.

Stand firm w/o adding fuel to the fire. Easier said the done, I know - but it will make life living there a little bit easier.
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Are you sure she wants the house to her self?

Just saying, something is effecting the dynamics of the marriage and there may be a 3rd party infecting the whole thing.

Have you investigated for your self to see if there is a toxic friend or other man that is influencing your chick?
 

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I'm just thinking if your old lady is willing to give up your stability and security you have to offer, then maybe you have been replaced or about to get replaced?
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
There's no other guy, trust me. She is just complaining that she doesn't want to have to share a bed with her grandma full time and that she needs her space alone at home. Given her family, I can totally understand that, BUT... I don't want to have to suffer because of her choice to leave me.

Are you sure she wants the house to her self?

Just saying, something is effecting the dynamics of the marriage and there may be a 3rd party infecting the whole thing.

Have you investigated for your self to see if there is a toxic friend or other man that is influencing your chick?
 

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Right on.

I just wanted to make sure your tactics to save the marriage or heading in the right direction.

One thing I can suggest and has worked for me is no begging or crying for the marriage. Chicks dig confident guys and right now the best thing you can do to raise your attraction level is be confident and show her through positive actions that her bull crap won't define you and if she wants to bail then smile and wish her the best.

Maybe giving her a taste of just letting her go will get her to think twice in what she is about to lose...
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
No, it's not like that. I know that in a lot of scenarios it plays out that way for some relationships but it's not like that for us. She recently reconnected with an old FEMALE friend from years past and they are all BFF again and I got totally pushed to the back burner because my wife's friend's husband left her six months or so ago and my wife asked for us to have her friend live with us temporarily. Well, I agreed and my quality of living went down significantly for a multitude of reasons. This girl didn't move out until my wife decided to leave me so I said if that's the case then your friend has to go, too. The friend completely moved out a few days later.

And, no, her friend didn't put any crazy ideas in my wife's head. For starters, now I'm totally in my wife's friend's shoes! Screwed.

I'm just thinking if your old lady is willing to give up your stability and security you have to offer, then maybe you have been replaced or about to get replaced?
 

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No, it's not like that. I know that in a lot of scenarios it plays out that way for some relationships but it's not like that for us. She recently reconnected with an old FEMALE friend from years past and they are all BFF again and I got totally pushed to the back burner because my wife's friend's husband left her six months or so ago and my wife asked for us to have her friend live with us temporarily. Well, I agreed and my quality of living went down significantly for a multitude of reasons. This girl didn't move out until my wife decided to leave me so I said if that's the case then your friend has to go, too. The friend completely moved out a few days later.

And, no, her friend didn't put any crazy ideas in my wife's head. For starters, now I'm totally in my wife's friend's shoes! Screwed.

So there is a toxic friend feeding her a bunch of crap.

Just seeing the forest thru the trees IMO
 

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And, no, her friend didn't put any crazy ideas in my wife's head. For starters, now I'm totally in my wife's friend's shoes! Screwed.
You sure about this? The timing of when life got worst suggests otherwise. Your wifes friend could easily have wanted your wife to join her being newly single.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
You sure about this? The timing of when life got worst suggests otherwise. Your wifes friend could easily have wanted your wife to join her being newly single.
Yup, I'm sure. Her friend is an emotional train wreck due to her divorce and hardly leaves the house except for going to work. There is no "let's go rent a place together and be single!" mentality coming from her. The last time my wife threatened a separation she alluded to her friend that they should get a place together and the friend said hell no, you're crazy!
 

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Fair enough, lets not lose my point/experience with regard to having the confidence in letting her go.

I know it sounds jacked up, but you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it.

You know what I mean??

Figure out a way in getting her to think twice in what she is about to lose.

Go work out and work on raising that attraction level. The last thing you want to show her is a beat down man that is lost with out her.
 

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Yup, I'm sure. Her friend is an emotional train wreck due to her divorce and hardly leaves the house except for going to work. There is no "let's go rent a place together and be single!" mentality coming from her. The last time my wife threatened a separation she alluded to her friend that they should get a place together and the friend said hell no, you're crazy!
It sound like your wife is the one looking for a wing man.
 

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In that case, I'd say 1 week isn't a huge amount of time to say she is sure about anything. How often/for how long had she previously threatened separation? I am just wondering if it is that she is truly unhappy or if it is a grass is greener thing?

Regardless, I don't see any reason for you to back down to her wishes. Her choice is her choice and being uncomfortable with you there is simply one of the consequences of that choice. It's not like you have tried to kick her out, she is choosing it.

I am in no position to say what your legal position is but I would imagine she has an obligation to the mortgage if nothing else regardless of where she resides and certainly morally, I think you should be just fine looking yourself in the mirror if you continue as you are.
 
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Heh same here, though in my case the loss looks pretty good on me so silver lining and all that! ;)
 

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I wouldn't go anywhere. Maybe move into the spare bedroom.

Her not being comfortable in the house with you due to not wanting to give you false hope has nothing to do with fair. That is her feelings and you have no control over that, so should not be expected to do anything to change them.

Let her know you are perfectly comfortable staying in the spare room as long as she respects your space. Put it back on her. Then don't try to get any affection and keep to your own space at night. I don't mean hole up in the room, but don't go knockin on her door.

If she's uncomfortable being in the house when you are in the kitchen or on the couch, she can leave or go to HER room. It is fair for her to pay her half of the house as its in both your names. If she doesn't it will hurt her just as much as you. Don't forget that.
 

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Move her into the spare bedroom.

She wants to walk she knows where the door is.

If you are losing your job in a few months you need every dollar you can keep.

Let her go!

Focus on you and your future.

There is no working on a marriage when she has herself convinced she will be better off without you.

HM64
 
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