Wife is resentful of me, doesn't get along with my mother

1945 Views 14 Replies 5 Participants Last post by turnera, Nov 28, 2012

reyob3209

Discussion Starter · Nov 25, 2012

I am writing here because I don't know how to handle several problems I am having. My wife has been very resentful lately, not talking to me, slamming doors... Today I asked her what was wrong. She told me that my mother is always criticizing her parenting. We live in a large house with a smaller house next door where my mother stays and comes over to our place on the average once a day for an hour or two to see the kids. Right now I am on worker's compensation disability and spend all day with our 3-year-old son while my wife takes care of our 1 month old. Today my wife told me that I watch too much TV at night; that I don't pay enough attention to her. She goes to sleep about 6 p.m. at night in the same bed as our 3 year old, so I'm not sure how I can spend more time with her. She is up during the night to feed the baby and I try to help, but I'm tired after watching our older son during the day. She feels I'm not doing enough for the baby. My wife is on Facebook half the day and night with various family members of hers and feels that is okay for her, but seems to think I shouldn't be watching TV. I do not have a Facebook page and limit my internet to news and email mostly.

My wife says she wants to go home to the Philippines because she feels she is not being treated fairly. She will not discuss her feelings about this stuff with my mother because she "doesn't like fighting." I am always in the middle as a result of this. I have told my mother about how my wife feels, but then my mother gets upset asnd tries to get me to take sides with her, which I won't do. My wife thinks I'm taking sides with my mother, but I'm not. Neither seems willing to talk to the other about all of this. I really don't know what to do and I hope others who have been in a similar situation can be of help.

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Chris Taylor

· #2 · Nov 26, 2012

The number 1 person you should be concerned with is your wife. You should be defending her to your mother without question. If you are around all day you should make sure you are with your wife and address anything your mother says IMMEDIATELY. Show your wife you are on her side.

Your wife shouldn't have to address anything with your mother... that's your job.

As for doing things around the house, if you aren't pulling your weight, start doing so. But also make it clear to your wife that being on FB half the day means she could be doing more, too.

Reactions: 2

turnera

· #3 · Nov 26, 2012

reyob3209 said:
Right now I am on worker's compensation disability and spend all day with our 3-year-old son

She is up during the night to feed the baby and I try to help, but I'm tired after watching our older son during the day.

So let me get this straight. You don't work. You watch a 3 year old. Your wife goes to bed early and then gets up at night to care for the baby, while you watch tv.

And YOU are too tired to get up and take care of the baby to give her a break?

Reactions: 2

turnera

· #4 · Nov 26, 2012

As for the rest of the picture, your wife is right. You SHOULD be supporting your wife over your mother. If your mother doesn't like it, too bad. Marriage means something.

I do agree that all her FB time is not good for the marriage. But she's ON FB because of the marriage.

What are you doing to make HER life better?

Bobby5000

· #5 · Nov 28, 2012

You can't just support your wife over your mother, that's silly. Imagine mom say Tony's pizza is the best, wife says Angelo's is, and wants you to make it clear that Angelo's is the best and mother should never say anything differently.

You can tell your wife that she is doing a good job, try to spend some more time with your wife, and mention to your mother that she should be less critical.

reyob3209

Discussion Starter · #6 · Nov 28, 2012

To Turnera: I am not off work just kicking back, I was injured on the job. I'm not sure why you are striking out, but I am doing a lot and I'm tired because I am taking over a lot of my wife's responsibilities so she can concentrate on the new baby. I was hoping for some constructive replies, however you seem to have some sort of agenda. The main thing I was asking about was how to balance my support of family members, and not how I can do even more to help my wife... Just because she has a newborn does not mean that I need to wait on her hand and foot.. She is not injured, I am... She had a baby and that is not a reason for her to relax 24/7 and be on Facebook.

reyob3209

Discussion Starter · #7 · Nov 28, 2012

Thanks for your reply Bobby.. I mainly just wanted reinforcement for what I feel is right, and you helped me with your answer.

reyob3209

Discussion Starter · #8 · Nov 28, 2012

Thanks for your feedback.. I am doing a lot of housework and laundry, feeding/changing the baby and definitely I am supporting my wife.. My mother needs to realize that she is my 1st priority, and that may be hard for her to get, but it is her problem.

reyob3209

Discussion Starter · #9 · Nov 28, 2012

P.S. Actually, my wife should address issues with my mother since it they concern the two of them, but I do agree that I need to support my wife unconditionally. Thanks again for your opinion/feedback.

LittleDeer

· #10 · Nov 28, 2012

Basically Reyob you just came here for someone to tell you, that you are right.

How is that working so far?

Not so good obviously.

Tunera is right.

You need to help your wife with the baby, in fact you should both be responsible for all of your children together.

Also it is your responsibility to deal with your mother.

And what is the disability? When can you go back to work?

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LittleDeer

· #11 · Nov 28, 2012

reyob3209 said:
P.S. Actually, my wife should address issues with my mother since it they concern the two of them, but I do agree that I need to support my wife unconditionally. Thanks again for your opinion/feedback.

Wrong she's your mother.

turnera

· #12 · Nov 28, 2012

reyob3209 said:
To Turnera: I am not off work just kicking back, I was injured on the job. I'm not sure why you are striking out, but I am doing a lot and I'm tired because I am taking over a lot of my wife's responsibilities so she can concentrate on the new baby. I was hoping for some constructive replies, however you seem to have some sort of agenda. The main thing I was asking about was how to balance my support of family members, and not how I can do even more to help my wife... Just because she has a newborn does not mean that I need to wait on her hand and foot.. She is not injured, I am... She had a baby and that is not a reason for her to relax 24/7 and be on Facebook.

My agenda is that you are blaming her, while you seem to be doing just as much to be blamed for. You came here for a pat on the shoulder and an ego boost, which isn't going to make your marriage better. What makes it better is BOTH of you acknowledging how you harm the other. How, again, are you waiting on her hand and foot? I'm not following.

turnera

· #13 · Nov 28, 2012

reyob3209 said:
I am taking over a lot of my wife's responsibilities so she can concentrate on the new baby

Which responsibilities, specifically? What is your hourly schedule?

What is HER hourly schedule?

We can't help you if we don't get an accurate picture.

Bobby5000

· #14 · Nov 28, 2012

This is a tough comment, "Just because she has a newborn does not mean that I need to wait on her hand and foot.. She is not injured, I am... She had a baby and that is not a reason for her to relax 24/7 and be on Facebook."

Assuming this reflects your views and what you have been telling your wife, it is surprising and disturbing. I think your wife needs support and certainly would not minimize the demands of raising an infant.

You can certainly say you're doing a great job honey and I wish I could help you more but my injury limits me. The picture you are painting is of a tough baby as many are, a critical husband who believes the wife is not doing enough, an equally critical mother-in--law and an overwhelmed wife depressed and slowly withdrawing. In response to people noting this, you basically say she needs a kick in the butt and to get off Facebook.

I said you don't automatically side with your wife over your mother but here in these circumstances, it is becoming apparent your wife needs some support. You probably can't change your mother, but you can work on providing your wife with more support and love and it seems to be the consensus of all who respond that this is what you need to do.

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turnera

· #15 · Nov 28, 2012

One thing you DO need to change right away is to get your 3 year old out of the marital bed. He doesn't belong there and you can't have a healthy marriage if you (literally and figuratively) put your kids between you.

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