[Grey Dad]

Pretty much.
She never developed any shared interests. To put it most directly She does a lot of things FOR HIM I also do things FOR HIM and take part in his daily activities food dressing hygiene etc and I do EVERYTHING WITH HIM.
Were it not for me He would not have the desire to explore and the curiosity to seek.
He has blossomed into an incredible whitewater kayaker. At 11 years old he is confident leading groups of people down our local river.
He knows outdoor skills, he can read a map and he can perform first aid. He has many valuable life lessons and an entire body filled with the confidence to approach anything that comes his way.
He would never have blossomed into the incredible young individual that he is without these experiences.

 

[Grey Dad]

Have you just asked what she needs to recharge?
What she actually needs and what is being offered are two different things.

Yes I have, I have also taken our son and gone away on weekends and had our experience and left her with entire weekends for herself.
I have asked her what she wants and I have even left open opportunities for her to start a discussion about things to do or what she wants

 

[Jimmysgirl]

How did you respond when he said sometimes he thinks his mom doesn't care about him? And prepare yourself because most kids say something similar about most parents at some point so your turn may be coming.
Keep in mind that the person who is going to teach him how to treat women is you.
If you were to be silent and just LISTEN to your wife what does she say? Usually if someone pays close enough attention they'll hear what their spouse needs.
She's burnt out for sure and I've been there. She's not going to go away for a weekend and be better, she's not going to take a bubble bath and become a new woman. Her friends are her refuge, that's pretty clear. How can YOU become her refuge?

 

[Jimmysgirl]

Also...he's 11. And a boy. It's not that unusual that he'd feel closer to you. I think if you had a daughter you may see the opposite. He's going to get different things from mom and dad. All kids do. She may even feel like the outsider, she lives with guys and they're off doing "guy stuff".

 

[whammyface]

I don't know why you haven't called her out. I'd tell her that I understand why she's distancing herself from me. But that she's really hurting our son. I'd tell her what he said about her not caring for him. Id tell her I understand if her heart isn't in the marriage anymore and that's on me. But, her son needs her and she's doing some serious damage to him that she might not notice. Ans that maybe she's needs to do some soul searching on if this is the life she wants. If not,, she should be on her way.. if she does want to stay then she REALLY needs to step it up with our son or she needs to go..

Also your wife is clearly having a revenge affair

 

[Grey Dad]

Also...he's 11. And a boy. It's not that unusual that he'd feel closer to you. I think if you had a daughter you may see the opposite. He's going to get different things from mom and dad. All kids do. She may even feel like the outsider, she lives with guys and they're off doing "guy stuff".

I get it, point taken.
There are plenty of opportunities where she can come along or we will change what we do to include her and always the decision is hers and always the decision is to do something else. Oftentimes she will bake the entire afternoon and it is all treats and gifts in goodies for her friends and she will leave a small container for us.
It is true. Her friends are her refuge. What is also true is that we will do anything to include her and the time she does go She admits she had a good time and wishes that she had done this sooner.
What am I doing? I am suggesting things to do together. I am suggesting projects at home that we can do together. I am suggesting opportunities for us to do things together outside of home.

 

[Grey Dad]

I don't know why you haven't called her out. I'd tell her that I understand why she's distancing herself from me. But that she's really hurting our son. I'd tell her what he said about her not caring for him. Id tell her I understand if her heart isn't in the marriage anymore and that's on me. But, her son needs her and she's doing some serious damage to him that she might not notice. Ans that maybe she's needs to do some soul searching on if this is the life she wants. If not,, she should be on her way.. if she does want to stay then she REALLY needs to step it up with our son or she needs to go..

Also your wife is clearly having a revenge affair

I have said that to her. I have said that she needs to find some common ground with our son a shared activity. He fixes the car with me, we draw together, I have taught him to use charcoals and acrylic paints and paint things that he sees or people.
I've laid the foundation for lifelong interests that he can pursue.
When I cook I always make it a point to include him and we cook together for the family. She will attempt that and invariably will get frustrated within 5 minutes and he goes back and sits down or does something else.
She certainly has the time to have a revenge affair if that's what she wishes to do.

 

[Grey Dad]

I have said that to her. I have said that she needs to find some common ground with our son a shared activity. He fixes the car with me, we draw together, I have taught him to use charcoals and acrylic paints and paint things that he sees or people.
I've laid the foundation for lifelong interests that he can pursue.
When I cook I always make it a point to include him and we cook together for the family. She will attempt that and invariably will get frustrated within 5 minutes and he goes back and sits down or does something else.
She certainly has the time to have a revenge affair if that's what she wishes to do.

If anything, I have said the affair is with her macbook or her iPad or her phone.
She is always on that thing always always always.
I say go outside, go throw the football around with him when I am not there or play cards with him or draw a picture with him but always it's what is on that computer and she always says it is for work

 

[Openminded]

She’s made it clear she has very little interest in your ideas and prefers living her life as she is doing. Obviously you can’t make her do these things you care about and that includes her relationship with your son. If you tell her you’re considering divorce she may or may not change to avoid that (assuming she wants to stay married). If there’s no effort, you’ll have to decide whether to stay or move on.

 

[In Absentia]

and also her gaining a lot of weight and not prioritizing her physical fitness or health

Contributing factor to your affair, maybe? Feel free to tell me if it's below the belt...

 

[Grey Dad]

Contributing factor to your affair, maybe?
Yes absolutely.
She had no problem critiquing sex in critiquing anything I may have done and I always kept my mouth shut about the fact that she had gained an enormous amount of weight for her small frame

 

[In Absentia]

She had no problem critiquing sex in critiquing anything I may have done and I always kept my mouth shut about the fact that she had gained an enormous amount of weight for her small frame

Ok, obviously not the only problem... there's seem to be quite a lot of stuff you haven't told us about the dynamics of your marriage.

 

[Evinrude58]

You seem to really dislike her. What made you fall in love with her?

 

[DownByTheRiver]

He is an extremely bright young man and I totally watch her just ignore him. They have no shared activities, no shared discussions She will do the normal parenting things in correct him for behaviors outbursts or incidents that every little boy goes through but then she will data dump on him for everything he has done wrong for the last month.
He said to me in the car today sometimes I think Mom doesn't even care about me and that just wrecked me

I'm sure your attitude toward her has contributed to him thinking that. But you know the parent who is actually parenting the child is usually not the popular parent.

 

[Livvie]

Her man, a male, cheated on her, disrespected her.

Her child is a male.

A male who loves his dad.

He is catching some of her anger and grief.
And those cold feelings meant for you.

Had the child been a girl, I suspect she would be closer to her.

It is a fact that mothers and females in general, do not deal well with adolescent boys.

Mothers know what is going on in their head, (at puberty) and they are not at all comfortable with it.

With girls arriving at that age?

Oh my!


Lets face it, parents of the opposite sex as their child find communication, even HARDER!

Disagee. A lot.

Sometimes mothers are closer to their adolescent, and then teenage, boys than to a teenage girl. There is often a lot of difficulty between mothers and daughters.

Often, mothers and sons are extremely close and harmonious through the pre teen and teen years.

 

[No Longer Lonely Husband]

He is an extremely bright young man and I totally watch her just ignore him. They have no shared activities, no shared discussions She will do the normal parenting things in correct him for behaviors outbursts or incidents that every little boy goes through but then she will data dump on him for everything he has done wrong for the last month.
He said to me in the car today sometimes I think Mom doesn't even care about me and that just wrecked me

Have you ever considered family counseling?

 

[Jimi007]

Well if she's glued to her phone and tablet...
Loves to go out after work for a few....
Why dont you just show at the bar and see what's really going on ? Take a look her phone ....Do a little digging. Maybe she's doing the same thing you did to her.

 

[Gabriel]

Phones/ipads, etc have ruined the world. It's just a fact. And it's sad. I hear this over and over and over again, especially with women but it happens sometimes with men as well.

That's the issue, IMO - I'd address the fact that it's bad for her and taking over her life. Snap her out of it. That might help with her own stuff.

As far as doing stuff with your son, that's a different thing. Some parents do the dutiful stuff and that's all they have the bandwidth for. Maybe tell your wife that your son said what he said.

 

[In Absentia]

Well if she's glued to her phone and tablet...
Loves to go out after work for a few....
Why dont you just show at the bar and see what's really going on ? Take a look her phone ....Do a little digging. Maybe she's doing the same thing you did to her.

It seems to me she's disconnected and she is staying for the son. But it's difficult to be a parent when your heart is not in it.

 

[Jimmysgirl]

If you tell her you’re considering divorce she may or may not change to avoid that (assuming she wants to stay married). If there’s no effort, you’ll have to decide whether to stay or move on.

Once the d word gets thrown out into the marriage air it's just a matter of time. Never ever ever say the D word unless you are 1000% sure that's the ending you want...because you'll probably get it.