[Grey Dad]

Hello Everyone,
I don't really know how to start this so I will give you guys the basics and we'll fill this out later in the forum I hope.
Wife and I work opposite schedules. She is a teacher and I am an aviation. We have an 11-year-old son and long story short I am the only adult that has formed a bond and am participatory with my time energy and emotions towards him.
Wife will put her head down and bury herself in her work or her time on the computer and she does love her time on the computer or with her friends and never does anything with our son. She has never formed a real bond with him or has any shared interests.
I love our son more than words can ever imagine and I have loved our time our 11 years together and everything I have shared with him He is an amazing little human.
I have 45 minutes in the morning that I see him as I take him to school and I have our weekends together that we fish hike or kayak together.
My wife cannot even spend a half an hour with him without it devolving into a disagreement or an argument or she is hounding him for normal 11-year-old boy behaviors.
I am heartbroken and I see the effect it is having on our son.
Just the past evening she worked until 5:00 dropped our son off at home and then went out with her fellow teacher friends for two and a half hours only to return home to put him to bed while I was at work.
If she is not having any meaningful relations or interactions with our son I am about ready to kick her to the curb and just single parent it. Help me out before I do something rash.

 

[Mr.Married]

She knows about your affair in 2022 ???

 

[BigDaddyNY]

Are you sure your perspective isn't being impacted by having an affair? If we were to ask your wife if she is a good mom and likes time with her son, what would she say?

Also, I thought you said you didn't want to put your son through a divorce? Now you are thinking of "kicking her to the curb"?

 

[bobert]

She knows about your affair in 2022 ???

His last post in that thread says yes and that she wanted to work on it.

 

[bobert]

If your wife has no relationship with your son, and your relationship is to the point of cheating, then why stay? What difference will it really make to your son?

Some people are not meant to be parents, she may be one of them. Alternatively, some people have childhood trauma that makes it hard to bond with their children.

 

[Bluesclues]

Sounds like she is a normal mother and not trying to be his friend.

 

[DownByTheRiver]

To me it sounds like she is the one with the parenting relationship with your son and you are the one with the friend relationship. To me it sounds like she's the one training him.

 

[Grey Dad]

Sounds like she is a normal mother and not trying to be his friend.

He is an extremely bright young man and I totally watch her just ignore him. They have no shared activities, no shared discussions She will do the normal parenting things in correct him for behaviors outbursts or incidents that every little boy goes through but then she will data dump on him for everything he has done wrong for the last month.
He said to me in the car today sometimes I think Mom doesn't even care about me and that just wrecked me

 

[In Absentia]

Obviously, your wife has not recovered from your affair, yet, and might never recover from it. It's impacting her relationship with you and your son. How are you two getting on?

 

[Grey Dad]

We get on okay, we can talk and we have even been intimate a few times but there are a lot of things involved with working separate schedules and also her gaining a lot of weight and not prioritizing her physical fitness or health

 

[Lady2019]

Your wife sounds burnt out.

 

[SunCMars]

Her man, a male, cheated on her, disrespected her.

Her child is a male.

A male who loves his dad.

He is catching some of her anger and grief.
And those cold feelings meant for you.

Had the child been a girl, I suspect she would be closer to her.

It is a fact that mothers and females in general, do not deal well with adolescent boys.

Mothers know what is going on in their head, (at puberty) and they are not at all comfortable with it.

With girls arriving at that age?

Oh my!


Lets face it, parents of the opposite sex as their child find communication, even HARDER!

 

[Evinrude58]

He is an extremely bright young man and I totally watch her just ignore him. They have no shared activities, no shared discussions She will do the normal parenting things in correct him for behaviors outbursts or incidents that every little boy goes through but then she will data dump on him for everything he has done wrong for the last month.
He said to me in the car today sometimes I think Mom doesn't even care about me and that just wrecked me

Says every teenager in the history of mankind in an effort to manipulate the other parent for whatever reason.
When you divorce her, it will mess him up even worse because he will instinctively play you against one another in order to get what he wants. You had an affair just a year ago?
Hmmmm. It appears you are neglectful of your son. Hard to do a lot of great parenting when one’s attention is directed at their affair partner.
I’ll bet your wife is running on fumes.
Get that log out of your eye so you can operate on that splint in hers.

 

[Grey Dad]

Your wife sounds burnt out.

Yes!! Indeed...
That being said, I have made numerous opportunities available for her to spend time with us in a variety of venues.
Outside hiking, Outside along the river just hanging out. I have mentioned grabbing a bite to eat in a very vibrant small downtown atmosphere or perhaps going to a gallery or just doing a project together at home. I have mentioned how her sister and our brother-in-law are such a great team together and that I would love to do a project with her but she continues to do things that don't completely serve her need for mental recuperation

 

[Grey Dad]

Yes!! Indeed...
That being said, I have made numerous opportunities available for her to spend time with us in a variety of venues.
Outside hiking, Outside along the river just hanging out. I have mentioned grabbing a bite to eat in a very vibrant small downtown atmosphere or perhaps going to a gallery or just doing a project together at home. I have mentioned how her sister and our brother-in-law are such a great team together and that I would love to do a project with her but she continues to do things that don't completely serve her need for mental recuperation

I have a long-standing gym membership and she used to enjoy going to the gym. I have put her back on the membership and made myself available to watch our son or for anything I could possibly do to help her get back in the gym and do what she used to love to do I make myself available at every turn to help her

 

[Lady2019]

I have mentioned how her sister and our brother-in-law are such a great team together and that I would love to do a project with her but she continues to do things that don't completely serve her need for mental recuperation

Have you just asked what she needs to recharge?
What she actually needs and what is being offered are two different things.

 

[Grey Dad]

His last post in that thread says yes and that she wanted to work on it.

We have gone to counseling, mostly as a neutral venue to bring up concerns and comments related to each other and the relationship and to work forward from that.
She just refuses to be a part of our lives in any way until it impacts something's that she's concerned about and then we hear about it. I understand if we don't have some of The same interests and that's okay that's what makes life so great but absolutely nothing I set my son up to do does she want any part of, she sticks to her own things and that is it She makes no effort to ask about or include herself in anything we do or even mention anything she's interested that she might like to do with us

 

[Grey Dad]

Have you just asked what she needs to recharge?
What she actually needs and what is being offered are two different things.

I have, and she says to go back to the gym, to go on a trip to the beach, but beyond that she makes no suggestions about what she would like. She is going on a trip to Mexico with her girlfriends in June but in the near term she is doing nothing for herself

 

[Grey Dad]

I have, and she says to go back to the gym, to go on a trip to the beach, but beyond that she makes no suggestions about what she would like. She is going on a trip to Mexico with her girlfriends in June but in the near term she is doing nothing for herself

I take our son on a weekend trip fishing or Whitewater kayaking climbing to give her some time to herself but she ends up just baking cookies and finding the end of the internet

 

[bobert]

Has your wife always acted like this towards your son? If not, when did it start?