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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok so I found this forum on google and really like some of the replies. I have talked about this alot so instead of typing out a new looooong narrative I am going to copy paste a lot of paragraphs i have typed about my situation and hope you all can interpret it all. If you have any questions feel free to ask. I am sure many of you have gone through or read about situations like this. Here it goes....


So this last weekend my wife and I were out celebrating a friends birthday and we got a little drunk, we started arguing a little bit and I walked away saying, "I dont wanna be with you." I meant right then at that moment. So that we wouldn't fight anymore. She thought I meant be with her at all. Now a little background. I have not been a very good husband lately. I have been very emotionally neglectful. I get upset when she criticizes me instead of just listening so she stop saying stuff to me cause I would get upset. This has been going on for a long time. I never thought it bugged her that much. I just thought she was stressed out cause she just started school full time again. So between working full time and school full time and raising our 1 year old i thought she was just stressed. I admit this is all my fault. I do stupid stuff like that and then I say things out of anger when we get into fights. I never mean those things we all say stuff we dont mean. I love her more than anything and do not want to lose her but she is so attiment(sp?) about leaving. WHAT CAN I DO? I keep telling her that i will change. And I will. But she says i have been given to many chances and dont deserve another. I know i can change and will. I have been doing a lot of soul searching on how to change and why i was acting that way and i have realized how precious she is to me and I love her so much. Any input would help me out. I just dont want to lose my wife.

Im 27 shes 25. Yes she knows. I just want to stay married to her. I love her so much.

I mentioned counseling because we have done it before. She doenst want to go though. she says over and over i dont deserve another chance and wants nothing to do with me. I have also asked about what can I do to make it work her answer is always nothing.

I think she needs some time, time to cool off and forget about her anger. I will give her all the time she needs. and also some space to maybe miss me I would even be fine with her moving out for a while. clears her head and we start slow and talk about things. But she says as soon as she moves out she is filing for divorce. She honestly acts like she doesnt know what marriage is, the sanctity of it. It means so much to me but not to her. She is just so willing to throw it all away without even fighting. I thought when you got married you would fight through anything to be together and you have to work at it everyday. These are the things that i feel like she isnt doing. All i need is a chance. I can make this right...

The effort I was putting into our relationship stopped because I always thought being married was enough. I thought that our vows to eachother would keep us together forever that is what it meant to me. I work 13 hour night shift so I am tired alot so alot of things like household chores i didnt do often. She would nag at me about them and i was soo mean back to her. I would do them but was pissy about it first. I dont help around as much as i should but even before that night this happened i had started more and since it happened i have been working around non stop trying to proove to her i will change. I would always ask about her day but she would just say fine and i would leave it at that. I wanted to know everthing but she wouldnt tell me.

I will let her leave and clear her mind and cool off about how mad she is at me. the thing is she says shes filing as soon as she leaves. I keep telling her you can leave just dont file yet. I told her i dont care if it take 6 months of living apart i will win her back. She is my #1 priority i just never really showed her but everything i did revolved around that woman. I think she does have some issues. Her mom left her family when she was 2 and was gone for 9 months till she came back after the divorced for visitations. I think that has messed her up a little.

Its always the same thing over and over again. I dont have the same feelings for you anymore, I dont want ot be around you. I dont want to touch you you dont deserve another chance.

As far as sex goes we had sex the night before this all happened so that wasnt a thing either.

The wierdest thing happened on saturday. I cleaned out the garage on thurs since she has been asking me to for 2 weeks. I pulled down all the christmas stuff to start putting up. Well i only put up a few things. When she got home she put up a buuuunch more. Funnier thing is its all her christmas stuff that she either picked out, made or had before she moved in with me.

I think its been about 2 or 3 months she been actually "unhappy" I am an avid gym goer and have been so focused on training and my diet and getting plenty of sleep a lot of things were getting neglected add on top of that working 13 hour night shift.

Marriage is serious and she agreed to it. I wouldnt think she would throw it away so easily.

I really feel like it just took something so drastic for me to really realize how i was and the consequences of my actions.

NOW:

I am doing all the things for her that she fell for me for in the first place. I stopped talking about it and just being me so she can see that. And yes she gets very upset when anyone talks to her about it. Even her own family. She got mad at me for buying her a gift though. She said she doesnt want me to buy her any gifts or xmas gifts. I said i still was going to though. That part scares me a lot. But a lot of her actions are showing shes leaving, they are showing me that I have to show her how I will be. I am not going to talk about it anymore just be the man she wanted me to be. The man I lost vision of.

She's so confusing. She talks to me, asks questions and jokes around with me a little. Then its like she remembers she's pissed at me and is very cold and short with me. She never looks me in the eye when she does that either. She is also still not wearing her ring. I think this is my last chance but Shes not gonna tell me. Just let me do it and when she figures it out maybe put the ring back on and stuff. Input on this?

Here is another thing. She asked for a North Face vest for Xmas. I want to get it for her. She asked for it 2 weeks ago. I told her 2 days ago I was still going to get it for her. She said no, I dont want any presents from you. I think this might be just because shes so upset with me but the worst in me thinks its cause shes leaving. But, on a positive not she also did say "we cant afford it we still have to make the mortgage payment." The house is only under my name as i bought it 2 years before i met her. She really shouldnt care about the mortgage at all if she was leaving. I dont know maybe I am looking into things to much. Input??

So here is a little update. Tonight when she got home she saw some flowers i got her. She told me to stop spending money on things for her. I told her now. Then I sat down with her and told her that I had no idea that she was unhappy and now she should give me a chance because now I know so now i can fix the things i was doing wrong. She said that doesnt change anything. I asked why not cause now i know, I didnt know before. I then explained my changes and my goals. told her i was giving it to god to heal and i was going to follow his guidance to obey change and take responsibility. I then explained that I have goals of once a day DO something to show her how i love and appreciate her and then tell her how i love and appreciate her. She just kept saying ok ok ok and that she wasnt going to promise me anything that it would change her mind, she didnt want to give me any false hope. I then asked her if i could ask her out on a date, she replied NO. That upset me a little but i didnt show it. I then explained again how i didnt know she was unhappy and if i would of know i would of fixed myself and now that i know we can be a team and fix it cause now we both know. She said NO. I then told her how much i lover her and she told me she doesnt want to talk about it anymore. I told her ok. I then said that I only talk to her about it cause im hoping that one of these times after doing all these things for you and showing you how i have changed that you would give me a little cooperation or at least say you miss something about me. I then told her that i was going to giver her some time. Time by not talking about it and to let her forgive me and space to realizes that she misses me and needs me. She said GOOD that she wants time from me and that she wants space from me. I dont know if its for the same reason or just wants to be away from me. I sure she just wants away from me. i can be patient i just miss talking to her, texting her, seeing her, and touching her meanwhile she is living her life just fine. Oh and ive lost 15 lbs cause i cant eat!

I know this seems really jumbled. Just ask if you have any questions. One more thing. I started doing the Love Dare also. On day 6. Its going ok still very very resistant which i get as the book says that will happen but its just very frustrating. I am giving myself and my marriage over to God. I need help, i need guidance from him. I need some advice from you guys to.
 

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Have you considered the possibility that there is a third party in this story? That whole is there but isn't, will be gone but is not is typical of women who have two plans. A "plan A" with another guy and a "Plan B". That will be you.

In this scenario, that whole suddenly become the dream husband routine won't work at all. In fact that stuff will probably destroy the rest of it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Have you considered the possibility that there is a third party in this story? That whole is there but isn't, will be gone but is not is typical of women who have two plans. A "plan A" with another guy and a "Plan B". That will be you.

In this scenario, that whole suddenly become the dream husband routine won't work at all. In fact that stuff will probably destroy the rest of it.
I am 100% positive there isnt. I have seen her emails and texts and FB. Plues she says i have poisened her from men, marriage and relationships and she only wants to be alone.
 

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So tell her OK, she can leave. Start discussing where she will go. Ask her if she has started looking at places to live. Ask her whether she has seen a divorce attorney or does she want to try a mediated divorce first. Ask her if she has arranged for storage of her personal items. If cars are involved, ask her whether she has checked into separate insurance coverage for her car.

the point is that when she realizes you have stopped chasing her and will move on with your life she will either realize she is going to lose something good or will really act to leave. Either way, you get an answer.
 

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I am sorry you are hurting.

Flowers & North Face Vests won't bring her back. Actually it is annoying to someone who wants to leave the relationship.

I agree with the poster to investigate if there is someone else.

Because you have treated her badly in the past, her wall of resentment may be too hard to penetrate right now.

I had built up the Berlin Wall of resentment against my exHusband & the only way he could penetrate it would have been to go to individual counseling & anger management classes & showed me that he had changed. Simply "telling" me he had changed & showing it in small ways would not have worked. He needed outside help.

Try the above. If it doesn't work for this marriage, it will help in your next relationship.
 

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Please quitely do your own investigation to see if your efforts are in vain. You can't compete with a new love and if there is a new guy your approach is all wrong.

You are working on being a btter man for her and not your self. work on your self and raise that atraction level, then if there is another man start making the affair as inconviennent and as uncomfortable as possible by exposing it.
 

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OP, so what are the things that you've done that made your wife loathe you and men in general? Based on what you wrote, here is what I see:

1) You don't help out around the house very much, and when you do you complain about helping out.

2) You work long hours, so you are tired - which can take time away from your family - but you also spend significant time at the gym to keep yourself in shape.

3) You say cruel things to your wife when you two have arguments regardless of how serious the arguments are.

Anything else? Also, do you have a list of things that she does that you cannot stand? It sounds like most of your problems can be fixed by learning how to communicate more effectively and frequently. Also, I hope you learned to help with chores at home more and to cut back on the time at the gym.
 

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I am sorry you are hurting.

Flowers & North Face Vests won't bring her back. Actually it is annoying to someone who wants to leave the relationship.

I agree with the poster to investigate if there is someone else.

Because you have treated her badly in the past, her wall of resentment may be too hard to penetrate right now.

I had built up the Berlin Wall of resentment against my exHusband & the only way he could penetrate it would have been to go to individual counseling & anger management classes & showed me that he had changed. Simply "telling" me he had changed & showing it in small ways would not have worked. He needed outside help.

Try the above. If it doesn't work for this marriage, it will help in your next relationship.
I'd investigate too. However, I think the biggest factor is that the OP is too self-centered and he can be childish when it comes to arguments. What I see, she built up resentment because the majority of the household chores and child raising fell to her while he gets to live his own life as if he's single. He works long hours, but he makes sure he gets his "me" time with frequent trips to the gym and sitting around the house while she does all the chores.

We don't know what problems she brings to the marriage. Only his are on display at the moment.
 

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I'd investigate too. However, I think the biggest factor is that the OP is too self-centered and he can be childish when it comes to arguments. What I see, she built up resentment because the majority of the household chores and child raising fell to her while he gets to live his own life as if he's single. He works long hours, but he makes sure he gets his "me" time with frequent trips to the gym and sitting around the house while she does all the chores.

We don't know what problems she brings to the marriage. Only his are on display at the moment.

I think working long hours to support his family is pretty admirable. "Me time" at the gym may be a way for him to safely blow of steam from work, and also keep him attractive to his wife. I think you're being a bit harsh.
 

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I think working long hours to support his family is pretty admirable. "Me time" at the gym may be a way for him to safely blow of steam from work, and also keep him attractive to his wife. I think you're being a bit harsh.
The long hours at work may be admirable, but what of the cost. Extended hours at work + extended time at the gym + not wanting to help out around the house = a resentful wife that feels emotionally/physically abandoned. She has probably, rightfully, asked the OP when is it her turn to get his attention?
 

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I am 100% positive there isnt.
That's a pretty bold statement man. If she does leave it is very likely that attitude of hers change within a few months. Don't be surprised if you see her hanging on the arm of someone she knows already. For your sake i hope i'm wrong.
 

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My feeling from what you write is that your comment at the party was ' the straw that broke the camels back' (it could have been anything though...the trigger finger was twitching). The switch has been flicked and she's gone. I've seen this before.. once the decision is made...it's made!

She's been unhappy for months. Between work, gym and getting lots of sleep it doesn't sound like there was any time left for connecting with each other.

I imagine she has been very lonely.
Let her go.. she's leaving anyway, i'd say.

I'm so sorry for you.
 

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Not at all. It will be an act of God that brings the op's wife back. Meanwhile, newfound faith will be a big help to him getting on with his new life. The "Love Dare" book lays it all out pretty clearly. Whatever happens, he will be in a better place than now.
More sarcasm?
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Past experience has indicated that if your spouse says they don't "love" you and are leaving, they already have some place else to go. If she leaves, you are better off than if she finds a way to get the cops to evict you and house you in jail on trumped up charges.
She is going to stay at her sisters till she gets a place. Cops cant evict me i own the house by myself i bought it before her.
 

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More sarcasm?
Again, not at all. This may be politically incorrect advice for this forum but in my humble opinion the op would be best served by reading his book, doing what it says, letting his wife do what she has to do and finding his way to make peace with the outcome.

The woman is gone and nothing he can do will soften her heart, that will have to come from her. The op is an emotional basket case. If he can rebuild himself through faith he will be in a much better position for whatever comes next.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I am sorry you are hurting.

Flowers & North Face Vests won't bring her back. Actually it is annoying to someone who wants to leave the relationship.

I agree with the poster to investigate if there is someone else.

Because you have treated her badly in the past, her wall of resentment may be too hard to penetrate right now.

I had built up the Berlin Wall of resentment against my exHusband & the only way he could penetrate it would have been to go to individual counseling & anger management classes & showed me that he had changed. Simply "telling" me he had changed & showing it in small ways would not have worked. He needed outside help.

Try the above. If it doesn't work for this marriage, it will help in your next relationship.
I know there isnt anyone else. I am going to counseling by myself since she wont go.
 
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