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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My wife started giving me the cold shoulder about six years ago. The only reason we are together now is to make my loving daughter's life somewhat normal for her. I also thought that convincing my wife to stay with me, would allow us to work on the marriage, but that has not happened. She refuses to work on anything. I just ask her today to attend the “Love Worth Fitting For” seminar with Kurt Cameron. She refused to go. I am a good man - don't drink, cheat, no verbal or physical abuse, and I have a good solid job. She said I slammed the door on her and quit being physical with her. She refuses counseling and the situation sucks big time. I don't like the uncertainty of my future and finances – possibly losing a house that I worked so hard for and worked to improve. I helped her through schooling and I have been the primary financial support. She cannot live on her own. Right now she is like a house mate that lives in another bedroom. I miss having a loving wife and sharing quality time together. I want someone to share my life with and love me. She said she is leaving me 4-yrs from now when our daughter graduates from HS. I get to see my loving daughter walk across the stage and get her diploma and the same day watch my wife walk away. I am not ready for that. All in all it will be ten years with a wife as a house mate that lives in another room. I cannot tune out the hurt and depression like my with can. She is living life out as nothing is happening but I am anxious and depressed. My councilor told me to focus on myself but that is difficult with constant reminders around me including my wife.
 

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You quit being physical with her? What does she mean?

What a painful way to live. If you can take this for another four years you will have to have a lot of hobbies and extra-cirrucular activities to keep you sane.

As for the house, well your happiness is more important than any bricks and morter. Only you can decide if you can do another 4 years of her b.s.

I vote for telling her that you are not prepared to live like this so lets just call it a day. She needs a good wake up call.
 

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Really.... She says she is going to leave you four years from now. She is telling you to take care of her for four more years even though she doesn't love you. You, my friend, are being a doormat. Nothing attractive or healthy about that. Stand up for your self and file for divorce. Honesltly, that is the best chance you have to get your "loving wife" back. Just like indiecat said.

Learn about setting healthy boundaries.

Reading sh1t like this makes me furious for some reason. I was in limbo for less than a month. I can't imagine 4 years!
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 · (Edited)
It has been more like 7-years of this treatment from the wife. She moved out of the bedroom about 7-years ago. I believe if she had slept in the same bed and communicated daily - the marriage would improve over time. She has been shut down. I basically have a housemate as a wife and this relationship is giving a bad example to my daughter.
 

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Since you know she's going to leave you, then get busy planning for life on your own.

She's been gracious enough to give you plenty of notice.

Start moving money and hiding assets.

And work on your spelling and grammar, that will be useful when you write a dating profile and start chatting up potential relationship partners on the dating sites.
 

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I completely understand. My wife is doing the same thing for the last 4 months. It really sucks to have someone blame you for problems for which they are also responsible. Thanks to this forum I'm taking care of myself and preparing for the worst.

I disagree about hiding assets. Consult an attorney about what you can do to protect yourself. Don't let yourself suffer.

Take steps for yourself.
 

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.... She said I slammed the door on her and quit being physical with her. .....
Why did not quite being physical with her?

You have up to 4 years... as long as you allow the current situation to continue as is she will continue to treat you as she does.

You cannot change her, but you can change how you interact with her. Once you do this she will be forced to change. Now you cannot control how she changes but she will have to change.

What do you want to do? Do you want to try to change/fix your marriage? Do you just want out?

If you want out, then go see an attorney and start working towards getting out of this marriage. If you have joint bank acounts open ones in your name only and start moving $$ there. You can start doing everythign that needs money, paying bills, grocery shopping, etc. Give her little to no money. she can go get a job. You are not her slave to be disgarded when she's ready to do this.

If your daughter gets spending money, YOU give it to your daughter. Do not let your wife be the person your daughter goes to, to get the things you actually provide.

What state do you live in? What are the alimony laws where you are?

If you want to try to fix things I think you should work a two prong plan... get things in order for the divorce in case she does not come around. And then you work on making unilateral changes. Yes a marriage can be saved by making unilateral changes....

You have a shot at fixing this. Both will need to change, meeting each other's needs. But the change will most likely have to start from unilateral action. This means that you have not done the work necessary to make real changes in yourself that will cause real changes in your marriage. It sounds like a lot of the anger in your marriage stems from the both of you being very frustrated and not sure how to get your marriage on track.


Here is a list of books that can help you. Often times I find that one good self-help book is worth hours, months, even years of counseling. All of the suggested books are available through Amazon.com and other book sellers and on the web sites of the authors. I suggest that she not see these books nor see you reading them. Otherwise she will get the idea that you are making temporary changes to suck her back into the marriage. This is not about temporary changes just to achieve your goal.


Start with this book as it does a very good job of explaining how to use unilateral action/changes to improve/save your marriage… Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again, Michele Weiner Davis - great for communication, and for taking responsibility and action to improve your quality of life.


Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In, Laurie Puhn. - Ways to tackle problems in a common sense way, and open direct, honest communication in areas of conflict.


Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In


The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert, John Gottman. - Ideas and activities to go through to understand each other more and strengthen your bond together.


“His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”, Dr. Harley… good guides for how to meet each other needs and rebuild to a passionate marriage.
 

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You wife does not want you it plain and simple,I have a friend and his wife did just what your is saying and right after their kid graduated she left so for get the four years you need to get some legal counsel and let her hit the streets now.ITS OVER.
 
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