[Concernedconfused]

Hello everyone.

I am not the type of person who comes to online forums for advice and help typically but I am really having a hard day and need some advice from an outside perspective.

Let me give you some background about my wife and I before we get into the issue. My wife is 12 years my senior. I am 30 and she is 42. We met when I was 22 and she was 34. She was in a horrible marrage when we met, her ex was very mentally abusive, jealous, and just crazy. Her and I met at a work event and hit it off. Her marriage was done at this point and she was only in it for her child. She did leave her husband, and her and I moved in together, to an apartment, since then we now have a house and have been living together ever since.

My wife and I have only been married for a year, less then a full year actually. We waited awhile to make sure that it was what we both wanted.

My wife has never been an emotional person, she was abused as a child and because of that we have had issues in our sex life. She also spend some of her younger life stripping.

She was very emotionally disconected with me and while we did have sex, she never initiated and it was passionless. We really did not share that deep emotional connection that married people in my mind should. I expressed this over and over, offered counseling, she wanted none of it and kept assuring me that she is working on it.

This went on for years, because of this my self confidence has suffered, I never understood why she did not desire me, I just could not understand if it was me, or what.

Just recently things started to get really better. She is improving and showing me the love I need. She is being closer and just recently we connected in a very big way.

I always wanted to know her more intimately, I wanted to know her fantasies, her deep dark secrets. For years she was like, I have nothing that I have not told you! Then this past weekend happened.

My wife really opened up to me. She told me the thought of a threesome turns her on alot. She admitted that sometimes to get turned on she will think about me with another woman, or another man with the two of us. She was very very passionate about this. She would NEVER EVER cheat on me, I know this. We are very open about that sort of thing.

Now, she has never really told me things like this because I will admit I have always been a little jealous and posessive of her. I am sure that she has always kept it inside because of how I would react. Not this time, I want that level of closeness with her.

This past weekend was amazing, I finally felt that feeling of closeness that I never had with my wife. The sex was amazing, her attitude toward me so much more loving. Everything was great.

Well we got to talking some more... things started to turn again for the bad a little. Now, she told me something that kind of scares me. One of the main reasons she feels this way is because there is a guy at work she feels a strong, VERY STRONG attraction for. She admits she has not really even ever spoke to this guy except for break rooms, running into each other in meetings, etc. She can feel he wants her and I do not doubt that because my wife is incredibly sexy.

She admits to liking the attention, and she likes when guys check her out. I admit I like that too... I am not at all scared to jump into a different lifestyle to make my wife happy, I do not like the fact this guy works with her.

I did a little research and this guy is married with 3 kids. He holds a higher position in his career for a nationwide bank. From my research (I know a few people I work with who used to work there) and this guy is a big time player who cheats on his wife.

I brought that up to my wife and she got angry because I was "doing recon" on him. I am pretty sure she thinks its hot as hell and that is part of the attraction she has for him. I am not comfortable doing a threeosme with a man who is married with three kids, it doesnt seem to bother her at all.

So in a nutshell that is my situation. I really need some advice. I feel very angry, hurt, frustrated, and confused. I want to hurt this man, bad. I know it's not even his fault I just feel so much love for my wife that it is hard as hell to even think about sharing her. The part that is hurting the most is that she works with this man, she admits to seeing him and getting turned on, she admits that she tries to talk to him. She has promised to not let it cross "that" line.

I feel like just bursting out in tears, please help.

 

[Hope1964]

DO NOT bring a third person, ANY person, into your marriage. BAD BAD BAD idea.

Also, your wife WILL cheat on you. She cheated WITH you, and it is extremely rare that such a relationship ever works out. She's probably bringing up this other guy because she's already sleeping with him. The emphasis with which you deny that she ever would cheat speaks volumes.

My advice would be to remove her from your life.

 

[Toffer]

Sorry but Hope 1964 brings up a valid point. She may already have a relationship with this man but wants to keep you there too knowing the other man will not leave his family.

She's already proven that she' has no aversion to starting things up with other men as she did with you. She told you her ex was "very mentally abusive, jealous, and just crazy" Did anyone else (or you) verify this other than from her stories?

If you really want to turn the tables on her, tell her you're all for the 3-way but first it has to be you, her and another woman before you'll even consider her request.

In reality, what you should do is quitely start investigating. Don't ask her if she's cheating. Keep it all to yourself and get copies of her cell phone bill and look for alot of texts and calls to one or 2 numbers that you don't recognize

Ask to use her phone and see how she reacts. Is it password protected? That's a huge Red Flag

Get 2 Voice Activated Recorders VARs) and place one under the front seat of her car with heavy duty velcro and keep the other one to swutch out with the first so you'll have time to listen to it. Cheaters are very comfortable talking in their cars to their lovers.

So you've been together maybe 2 years or so and she's already looking to trade up? None of this bodes well for you. Sorry

 

[Concernedconfused]

Thank you for your replies. For me to say that I know she will not cheat on me I know that I cannot know this for sure but believe me when I say to you my wife would tell me if she cheated, she could not live with herself if she did and the guilt would eat at her immensely, I know her very well.

I know her ex husband very well because of my involvement with their child (forgot to mention she has a 17 year old child). He is crazy, he is very abusive, he is every bit of nuts and I have witnessed it many times.

She wants this to be our lifestlye, she is willing to do this with woman as well.

I know that people in this world when married will find people attractive, I know they will desire others, it kills me to think that my wife is desiring another man away from me, but I am just glad shae told me this now instead of cheating on me.

We have a relationship not many people have. We have been through ALOT together. We have broken up once before because of the way I felt toward her emotional disconnection. I had sex with other women while we were broken up. She does know all of this and understands. We both do want very much to be able to tell each other anything, I am just not sure I can handle what she tells me.

EDIT: Toffer, I actually already mentioned that to her and she is encourging me to bring another woman to bed with us first. I think this is just her thing that she has always been afraid to tell me, I just think this guy at her work really set her over the edge in desire and lust.

We have been together for 8 years now total.

 

[Hope1964]

Tell her this is unacceptable to you. Do not give in - you WILL regret it.

Fantasy is one thing - I sometimes have a fantasy of seeing my husband with another woman. There is NO FREAKING WAY I would EVER let that out of my head. Ever. Your wife has a human brain, not an animal one that's unable to overcome lust.

 

[Toffer]

OP,

Fantasies are fine. Most of the time that's what they should remain.

If I had a dollar for every poster I've seen here who swore that their spouse couldn't/wouldn't cheat, I'd have a small fortune by now.

What's wrong with a little checking then as I outlined above? One of the better sayings her is "Trust but verify"

The main problem with 3-ways is that while it can work, many times someone establishes that emotional connection with one of the partners (you know, that connection you waited for that you finally got?)

Did you know about this desire of her's before you married her?

Again, seeing how she's already bored after one year of marriage is not good for your future

 

[Concernedconfused]

Tell her this is unacceptable to you. Do not give in - you WILL regret it.

Fantasy is one thing - I sometimes have a fantasy of seeing my husband with another woman. There is NO FREAKING WAY I would EVER let that out of my head. Ever. Your wife has a human brain, not an animal one that's unable to overcome lust.

OP,

Fantasies are fine. Most of the time that's what they should remain.

If I had a dollar for every poster I've seen here who swore that their spouse couldn't/wouldn't cheat, I'd have a small fortune by now.

What's wrong with a little checking then as I outlined above? One of the better sayings her is "Trust but verify"

The main problem with 3-ways is that while it can work, many times someone establishes that emotional connection with one of the partners (you know, that connection you waited for that you finally got?)

Did you know about this desire of her's before you married her?

Again, seeing how she's already bored after one year of marriage is not good for your future

Hope, I understand that. I mean I think about woman all the time, it's what guys do, and now I am realizing girls too. I think that in her mind something happened with the abuse that happened to her when she was younger and this may be connected somehow.

Toffer, that is where this started. Fantasy. To be honest, my wife is willing to wait until I feel comfortable, well at least she says that. She is not pressuring me to do this, she just told me she has these fantasies about him and I and she really wants him and I to have her at the same time. She explained it as she doesnt love this man she just finds him attractive, she wants the threesome because of control and power. She likes that she can overcome a mans power with her vagina, she does have some issues but I am mentally very strong and intellegent and I play the yin to her yang when it comes to thins like that.

I did not know about this desire before we got married. I knew she had a sexual past... lots of men, she was a stripper, it was all for the attention thats what gets her off. But no I had no idea she wanted this, I was always a very jealous person and she could never talk to me honestly about those feelings or I would have at that time went crazy probably.

I just scared she would find something I planted in her car and that would ruin everything. She would never really trust me again if I did something like that, I do not know if I want to violate that. I have been working years to share this emotional connection that we seem to now have and I would not want to jeopardize that.

 

[40isthenew20]

You're in a tough spot. If you say no to the 3some, she may cheat on you with work boy anyway. So if it comes down to it, get something good out of a sticky situation by having her do the FFM first. If yor marriage goes south, you have every guys fantasy completed and are still young to find other relationships.

Don't sell yourself short; you did a big jump by marrying older with a child. Kudos to you on that. I couldn't do that but commend others that can.

 

[Hope1964]

The minute you bring a third person into your sex life, your marriage is doomed. If she isn't willing to be happy with just you, then let her go.

 

[Ina]

i admire your courage and openness. It sounds like her history has affected the way she sees and uses sexual experiences. But you both seem to trust each other. She trusted you enough to tell you, you trust her enough to know she won't be unfaithful. I guess that is what you have to hold on to. i know it is hard to hear that she wants someone else. I don't know if i am woman enough to be able to hear my H say that to me and be ok with it. But on some level we all know that attraction is attraction, and many of us are attracted to others, we just don't act on it. So i commend you for putting thought into this and making this about making a stronger connection with your W.

I'm wondering though if you are open to a threesome at all? Is it only ok if its adding another f? is what bothers you that there is another male she has chosen without you that has access to her routinely and that scares you? As opposed to just sharing a sexual experience? Or is this something that's ok to talk about as a fantasy, but you need to leave it there? Whatever it is, don't stop being honest now. Just remember it can't be all about her, don't let it go where you are not comfortable going.

 

[Dad&Hubby]

WOW!

Sorry, this rabbit hole goes a lot deeper than we'll be able to guide you through. How do you know what her previous marriage was like...because she told you? I'm sorry but you plain and simple got played. She's a narcissist and lives her life for what pleases her.

NEVER EVER marry the person who cheated on their spouse with you. People wonder what a person's character is prior to marrying them....well she told you.

Sorry. Get out. Get counseling. Fix yourself. Have a couple relationships you can learn from. Marry a GOOD wife who's stable and can love properly.

 

[Concernedconfused]

Thank you everyone for the replies, it's really helping me. Ina I absolutely would consider a threesome. My whole idea of it is find someone who both of us don't know and do it, that way no connections are made. My main concern with this whole thing is thy she works with this man. I have tries to explain to her the what could come if it... Like potential awkwardness in the office, him developing feelings, will he proposition her to go alone and without me?

We have talked about all of that, and right now nothing is solid we have just been talking and she doesn't seem to be in too much of a rush, she is enjoying the "eye candy" and "day fantasizing".
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Concernedconfused]

Sorry about the grammar I am typing on my phone
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Hope1964]

My whole idea of it is find someone who both of us don't know and do it, that way no connections are made.
Posted via Mobile Device

This is SO wrong.

If you have a threesome, with ANYONE, your marriage is doomed. I'm not talking out of my ass here. Look it up. find out how many swingers are together 2, 5, 10, 15 years after the fact. And of the ones who are, how many are truly happy??

I'm not saying it never happens, I am saying that it is EXTREMELY unlikely that you and your wife will solve anything by complicating this murky problem any further.

But hey, don't listen to us. We don't know quite EVERYthing. And of course, you will be the EXCEPTION to it all, right?

 

[justbidingtime]

All I need to read is you were 22 when you met, she is 12 years older & the sex you have (outside when she is thinking of this other guy) is passionless and she is emotionally disconnected........ Add to that she doesn't initiate.

Oh yea threesomes and an alternative lifestyle will change all that......

Yes run, don't walk, find someone your own age and enjoy your youth........

 

[sharkeey]

believe me when I say to you my wife would tell me if she cheated, she could not live with herself if she did and the guilt would eat at her immensely, I know her very well.

I don't believe you.

You're being rather foolish to believe you as well.

You don't know the woman nearly as well as you think you do.

Believe me, I know.

 

[I'mInLoveWithMyHubby]

Good gracious, how could you be so angry at a man and want to hurt them physically who has nothing to do with your wife. There is something wrong with this and it is not normal. Your wife has the "crush" on him, be mad at her. This man probably could care less about your wife in the first place. I would be so pissed and press criminal charges(he would to) if any man harms my husband because their wife has a crush on him. My husband doesn't give anyone at work any info of his personal life or casual chit chat. He is a very very reserved man and very work oriented. He has his own office and keeps the door shut.

You asked for your wife's fantasies and you got them. She told you the truth.

 

[Tony55]

...but believe me when I say to you my wife would tell me if she cheated, she could not live with herself if she did and the guilt would eat at her immensely, I know her very well.

CC my friend, today's your lucky day, you're in good company, this place is full of people who also knew their spouses "very well".

Look under 'Coping With Infidelity'.

T

 

[Michael A. Brown]

I know that you are feeling worried about this. Just help your wife to shift her attention.

 

[ladybird]

DO NOT bring a third person, ANY person, into your marriage. BAD BAD BAD idea.

Also, your wife WILL cheat on you. She cheated WITH you, and it is extremely rare that such a relationship ever works out. She's probably bringing up this other guy because she's already sleeping with him. The emphasis with which you deny that she ever would cheat speaks volumes.

My advice would be to remove her from your life.

I agree.. If they cheat with you they can and may cheat on you. (doesn't always happen)

You only know what she wants you to know.. Everyone has a "dark side" Every one is capable of cheating, regardless of how well you think you know them. You need to nip this in the bud A.S.A.P, before she does cheat on you (if she hasn't already)