Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 317 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
85 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I never thought I would be on here posting, but here it goes......REALLY LONG with background

Wife and I have been married 8 years (9 in Jan.) and we have had the normal ups and down in a marriage. About 3 years ago I had a female friend who I worked with, my wife had described it as a EA, which I subsequently cut off and we went to counseling. The timing of the text and phone calls between us was suspect, but the content of it was harmless, but since my wife found it hurtful I responded to her request and cut off all contact. We went to counseling (We are both spiritual/religious people) and seem to work out our issues and had a stronger marriage. 1 year later, My wife went on a weight loss program and lost over 120lbs and still losing more. She has expressed about joining a gym, but when she had mentioned that, I had a funny feeling about my wife (call it a gut feeling) and began to check phone records....There was a unusually high number of text from one number, and I began to snoop. broke the code on her phone and found some inappropriate text messages, but at the time I didn't have a way to save them. I brought the issue up and she gave me a vague answer about how some of the people she plays with (She's a World of Warcraft Gamer) text her and other members in their "guild" and she and 1 of the guys did have a few inappropriate text, but that she would cut off all contact. She did a NC text/ letter to him and the number disappeared from the bills. We talked about the problems (no counseling this time,[ mistake, I know]) and seem to move past it. Which brings me to the current situation, about 2 months ago (Aug.) The same feeling I had from the last time came back. She was distant from me and began to basically disparage our marriage and saying things like "I wish we would not have gotten married so soon" (We married at 22 & 23 y.o respectively) "I feel trapped in where we live", "I wish I could start over somewhere else" etc.... I took notice of this and tried to talk to her about her feelings and where we were lacking (decent jobs, all bills payed, Just took a surprise trip for her BDay) and she basically shut down on me. I didn't want to press her, but I did begin looking at the cell bills again. What do you know same thing, different number! Now I have been checking periodically on her phone for a year because I had the code, but when I tried to check this time, the code had changed (Red Flag). I then noticed that a whole lot of pictures have been going back and forth between them, but since I didn't have access to her phone I just keep a copy of the bills since Aug (when this started). I have been actively trying to break the code again and was finally able to yesterday (while she was in the shower) There were some photos on her phone of herself (1 risque & 1 explicit) which were never sent to me, but the records show a whole lot of photos have been exchanging between her and this guy. There were a couple of more instances of where she began talking negatively about the marriage and then the dreaded (I am no longer in love with you [Oct. 21st, 2011]). At that point I kept my cool, but knew another guy was in the picture. I had went back to school in August, so our time together has been limited (one of the reasons she stated she was not happy). I was not able to send the photos to my phone yesterday because she was getting out of the shower, so I had to close everything down. I had already begun an exercise program, and it has allowed me to blow off steam and stay motivated to be a better me, if and when this all blows up. I checked the phone this morning, but all the texts & pic she sent and received from this guy had been erased. She has also been talking to him on the cell when I am at school or at church (yes I am getting a VAR with my next paycheck) The problem(s) I have is that she is erasing the texts and pics, I want to put a keylogger on her laptop, but I don't know of a good one and I am afraid that she will find it (she is kinda tech savvy) What other steps do I take from here? My current plan is to 1) lay low (put on a smiling face) and collect as much evidence as I can. 2) Start moving money in another account and buy a car (we only have the one and its in her name only) 3) Expose the affair and making demands. I tried a reverse look-up on the POSOM cell phone number , but all I get is a city and state (number is in Minnesota, and we live on the east coast) I am torn because of the betrayal and I can not sleep at night, and my studies are starting to be affected. I love my wife and I can admit, I have been somewhat of a doormat for the majority of our marriage, but since reading NMMNG and Married Man Sex Life (Athol) I have been making changes to Alpha. What do I do and how long do I let this go while collecting evidence, because my heart and ego are being punished with all the "mind movies" about what they are talking about and pictures they are sending. I am sorry for it being so long, but I wanted everyone to have all the info (including my mistakes) so that you can give me advice with all the information and background. Don't hold back, I read through Sham's thread and I was inspired, so please feel free to share whatever you have for me.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,994 Posts
if you read sham's thread, then you know it may be possible to retrieve deleted texts, what kind of phone?


personally I think you have enough evidence to confront and end the affair
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
9,914 Posts
It sounds like your doing a lot of the right things.

but think about this - she has done this before, so she is a more experienced liar this time.

The fact that she is doing this again, shows that she is making a conscious choice to be a serial cheater. I think it's time to go Sham on her!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
85 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
if you read sham's thread, then you know it may be possible to retrieve deleted texts, what kind of phone?


personally I think you have enough evidence to confront and end the affair
Its an old Samsung phone (not a droid or Iphone) We are due for an upgrade in the next couple of months, but I am afraid that she will change the code again, so I am trying to gather everything I can now. I only have the cell bills, but I don't want her telling me that it was nothing and we didn't do anything wrong (gaslighting?) I want to print out the actual text, and plus with SHAM he needed to back up the logs with a computer, and the only time the phone is not with her is when she is in the shower. Not enough time to run downstairs backup the log and run upstairs to put the phone back.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
85 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
It sounds like your doing a lot of the right things.

but think about this - she has done this before, so she is a more experienced liar this time.

The fact that she is doing this again, shows that she is making a conscious choice to be a serial cheater. I think it's time to go Sham on her!
I agree, but how would the housing situation work, since its in both our names and she's a stubborn woman who would not move out. Do I move out and risk abandonment?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
9,914 Posts
are you going to try to R or is this it? The fact that she has done this serially means that if you don't really impose consequences and try to R, that she will likley repeat down the road. she doesn't have proper boundaries.

If you do want to R, I recommend you don't wait too long however. She's already really deep and getting in deeper, so you need to end it. Hopefully the OM has a OMW and you can blow it up in his face.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,994 Posts
My advice is go see a lawyer ASAP and get the papers and confront her with it, let her know unless you get the truth and transparency you will proceed
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,871 Posts
Sorry to hear about this... If your plan is too wait for now, then atleast prepare for the looming confrontation. If I were you in addition to gathering your irrefutable evidence I'd start getting your divorce papers in order, when you do confront you need to be prepared to walk, if you don't have children, are not skipping out on the bills and aren't planning on cleaning out all the assets I don't think it would be abandonment, especially if you've served her with a separation agreement. Either way you should be consulting with legal advice at this point.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
85 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
My advice is go see a lawyer ASAP and get the papers and confront her with it, let her know unless you get the truth and transparency you will proceed
Posted via Mobile Device
i plan on meeting with a lawyer this week. i want to collect evidence so that she can`t deny it and try to take this underground. i love her, but there has been somethings lacking for both of us and i am not sure if i want to R...my thought process is to just let everything go and work solely on me. if she comes back into the picture, then maybe, but its going to take a whole lot of heavy lifting on her part and i`m not sure if she`s built for that. she`s a very proud and stubborn woman
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,520 Posts
Find out who the OM is and expose to his wife (If he has one) BEFORE you confront your wife.

Let her come to you when the OM`s **** hits the fan.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
85 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Find out who the OM is and expose to his wife (If he has one) BEFORE you confront your wife.

Let her come to you when the OM`s **** hits the fan.
i think the guy is single, but i will confirm. how do i handle the exposure when the OM is single? do i call him directly or what? i would have no problem flying out to his house and leave a "message"
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
9,914 Posts
i think the guy is single, but i will confirm. how do i handle the exposure when the OM is single? do i call him directly or what? i would have no problem flying out to his house and leave a "message"
Posted via Mobile Device
Don't waste any time on him, he doesn't care and unless you are able to actually enforce a "threat" then anything you say is meaningless.

If he had a W, then exposure to her could help, otherwise it's a waste of time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,577 Posts
i think the guy is single, but i will confirm. how do i handle the exposure when the OM is single? do i call him directly or what? i would have no problem flying out to his house and leave a "message"
You find his name on facebook and message his friends, you track his family down , parents, siblings anyone who affect his life and you expose him as a predator on your marriage. Only when he feels the heat will he step away from your wife.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,520 Posts
i think the guy is single, but i will confirm. how do i handle the exposure when the OM is single? do i call him directly or what? i would have no problem flying out to his house and leave a "message"
Posted via Mobile Device
If he`s completely single there`s no point in it.

If he`s married or in a LTR then the first overt move you should make is contact his wife/fiance/girlfriend.

Confrontation directly with him is worthless and could cause problems you`d rather avoid.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
85 Posts
Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I will try to confirm if he is single or not. I just went through all of the phone records a little bit more closely and discovered that the times I was in class or the nights she missed church because "she wasn't feeling well" She was on the phone with him :( All I keep thinking about is having another opportunity to look through her phone for evidence and its killing me. for the past month she has been cold with me. no affection, no hugs, nothing! One of my friends have told me to go ahead and prepare for the fallout if I do discover evidence. The pain is horrible and I still have to go to class tonight, another opportunity to be on the phone with him!:mad: She is no longer the person I married....its almost like she's an alien. What is she thinking????
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,147 Posts
EHunt - man I'm sorry, where you're at sounds very familiar and it's hell.

You're gonna lose sleep so don't even worry about that for now. VARs...now. Get one today if you can (you can get one for 30 bucks at Best Buy or Target), Take 5 mins to test it, then press record and tape it under a chair or behind a dresser where she most likely will be talking on the phone.

Meantime, with an older Samsung you prob won't be able to get any deleted texts from the past, so as soon as you can start getting the new ones the better. I also don't think spyware will work if she doesn't have a smartphone, so you'll have to keep being covert and grabbing her phone when you can. If her phone has a "forward text" option you can send them to yourself each time you grab it (google the model number for the manual). If you can't forward, I'd just take a picture of the screen of her phone with a camera and start recording them that way.

Since she's gaming, she's prob messaging on the computer while playing, so a key logger will do you a lot of good. Install one now! Come home early from work or at lunch or whatever if you need extra time to make sure it's installed. If she notices it just claim its spyware (not a lie, as they can be installed by accident by many websites that you visit).

I think the VAR is your best bet in the short term, as far as getting the state of the union with where she's at. Do NOT confront the OM yet. Have you tried calling his number from a pay phone to hear if he says his name in the voicemail greeting? You can also hire a PI to get his full name, address and marital status (from just the ph number), though it will cost between $300-600 depending on how hard it is for them. If he is married, get her name and number from the PI as well. Expensive, but trust me, it made all the difference for me to know he was married and have a contact number and name for his W.

Wish you luck, please keep us informed, more than glad to help in any way we can...again sorry you're in this sh*tstorm, it will not be easy. Stay strong and start implementing 180 and continuing to take are of your preparations (sounds like you're on the ball so far).
Posted via Mobile Device
 
1 - 20 of 317 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top