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Hello, inhave recently found out that my wife is having an affair. We have been together for 6 years and married for 4. We have 2 kids 9 and 4. I am fairly certain that we will not be able to work it out. She shows very little remorse and is still actively seeing someone. My world is upside down right now. This blind sided me out of left field. We had appointments to see a fertility doctor and plans for the future and now this. She finally took her wedding ring off after a week of seeing this guy. When should I take my ring off?? I know people are saying when I am ready but what if I am never ready. Do i just take it off and try to move on?
 

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Sorry this is happening, do things at your own pace.

You should post this in the Infidelity forum, you will get a lot of help.
 

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@mickybill is right, take your own pace..... except for one thing. Book an appointment with your lawyer now. Get your lawyer's advice on where you stand now, where you are going to stand during the process of divorce, and where you are going to stand following divorce.

You do not have to take any action as a result of your meeting. How, and when, you act, is your decision to make, when you want to make it. Just know where you stand, financially, custodially, and especially fiduciarily as regards your 9-year old step child.
@mickybill is right about the infidelity forum, you will indeed get a lot of help. There are many of us who have BTDT and have the t-shirt.

You might want to read up on "the 180". Taking your ring off, etc, won't do anything. The 180 will not change your wife, will not save your marriage, will do nothing for your relationship to her. However, it is aimed at, and is good at, getting your head straight:

THE 180
 

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She shows very little remorse and is still actively seeing someone.
This was pretty much it for me. We went to a marriage counselor, and the counselor handed her the phone and said "....call him right now, and tell him that it's over, now, and forever....". She wouldn't.

34 years later, I fully, and completely understand, that moment was the one in which I should have taken my ring off, laid it on the counselor's desk, and told her to shove it up her concupiscent a$$.
 

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First, few details required. Do you know him? Is he married? Do they work together? How did they meet? Where do they meet? What does she do for a living? What does he do? Is she keeping this a state secret? Most everyone here knows why I am asking these questions. These are in anticipation of some form of exposure. She shows little remorse, however, she has no reason to at present. I am an accountant. I work with spouses separating and divorcing. We work with several law firms, private investigators, paralegals, psychologists and health practitioners. I could not begin to predict where your particular situation is going because every situation is different, and there is a paucity of information at present. Have a look through the CWI threads, look through the Divorce forums.

Second, if you have not already, start a routine of self care. Remember to eat, even if you have to set the clock to do so. Drink water. Avoid alcohol, or drugs. Have a word with you PCP, they are invaluable at this time. If you need, get a referral for individual counselling. Look up the 180, it will serve you well at this time. If you must engage, be a grey rock. Look it up. We will be here for you, and a lot of us have been where you are,and where your wife is. Good luck.
 

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So sorry, the pain must be overwhelming.
I would say to start the grieving process ASAP.
I am biased, I would never want an unfaithful spouse back, they would be forever gross and tainted to me.
I sense you'd actually be willing to reconcile if she were up for it and repentant.
You've stated she is not and is actively dating someone right now.
I would move on, seek counsel, take inventory of properties, bank accounts, video record of all belongings and
get a support group. See your friends, family, kids and spend as much time as possible with those that can help comfort
you in this time of mourning and pain. Let family and friends know what is going on and why you need comfort. Don't keep her affair a secret (kids do not need details)
Start the divorce process.
 

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Hello, inhave recently found out that my wife is having an affair. We have been together for 6 years and married for 4. We have 2 kids 9 and 4. I am fairly certain that we will not be able to work it out. She shows very little remorse and is still actively seeing someone. My world is upside down right now. This blind sided me out of left field. We had appointments to see a fertility doctor and plans for the future and now this. She finally took her wedding ring off after a week of seeing this guy. When should I take my ring off?? I know people are saying when I am ready but what if I am never ready. Do i just take it off and try to move on?
Been there, but we didn't have kids and I was in my 20's. But my advice:

1. take the damn ring off. Does it mean anything any more? It obviously means nothing to her, so ditch it.
2. please, please, please tell me you have a lawyer.
3. please also tell me that you're not having sex with her, and please get STD tested. You never know.

Think about it this way - your wife is really only looking out for herself here, and really only interested in her plaything. You need to look out for your kids, and looking out for your kids means that you need to look out for yourself and protect your assets. So call a lawyer, and do exactly what he/she says. And go and get STD tested right away.
 

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You take your ring off whenever you are ready. Right now you are still married and taking the ring off doesn't change that, it doesn't change the circumstances, it won't make your wife smarten up and drop the AP, and it doesn't make you "weak". If you are not ready to call it quits and take off the ring, then don't do it. For whatever it's worth... When I found out that my wife was having an affair, I took my ring off about a month later. Then put it back on for a few weeks, then took it back off and it stayed off for the last 14 months or so (even though we are still together).

Cheaters don't usually have remorse right out of the gate and don't necessarily drop the AP right away either. They aren't thinking clearly (that's not an excuse, just reality). So, IMO, it's not really a for sure thing that your marriage has to be over (unless you want it to be). Of course, there has to be remorse and she has to end the affair, among other things, but that can still happen. Probably not often, but it can happen.

You are going to get a lot of advice. Everyone here has different experiences and different reasons fueling their response. Take it all in and decide what works for you and your situation. It's not a one size fits all approach and shouldn't be treated as such.

I would recommend seeing at least one lawyer (second opinions are always good too). Most lawyers will do free consultations, and seeing a lawyer does not mean that you have decided to divorce. Even filing for divorce, if that's something you choose to do, is not final. All it means is that you are looking at your options and being prepared. It will help you know where you stand and what your options are if you end up needing them. Being prepared is always a good idea and there can be a bit of comfort in having less in the "unknown". You need to look out for yourself, and by extension, your kids.

You're also going to want to get an STD test, for obvious reasons. No matter what story or excuses she has fed you, for your own health, please get checked.
 

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Don't keep her affair a secret (kids do not need details)
This is very, very good advice. It was the advice given by Dr. Dobson in "Love Must be Tough". It was correct. The affair busted inside a month or two. Her AP was, prior to his affair with her, a friend of mine. He died a couple years ago, he spent the last 32 years of his life with his wife and his family. I don't know if this would have been true, had the affair continued long-term.

He was different than my W. He was repentant and remorseful for what he did. He was exposed to his family, his church, his friends. Tough lesson, but one, in his case, well-learned.
 

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No remorse plus still actively seeing someone... what real choice do you have? I wouldn't take the the passive road of 'wait and see and reaccess'. You will end up destroyed.

Move through this with confidence. If you don't feel confident, fake it.

Don't beg, plead, bargain.

Tell her exactly what you are going to do. Don't add any if's. Make it matter of fact. Find a lawyer, get the papers drawn, personally hand them to her and tell her it's over.

She will either accept it and that's it. In that case, you never stood a chance. You get to move on and mitigate the soul damage of the pathetic pick me dance.

Or she will beg, plead and bargain. Then it's up to you what you want to do at that point.

But you are in control either way.

Carry forward with your self respect.
 

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@Bm4rq222 you need to see at least three or four of the best divorce lawyers in your area and have a free initial consultation with them.

In this way you will find out which is best for you. As an unfortunate side effect it might block your wife from being able to use them against you. Pity, really. But that's life.
 

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As I see it, once the peck has been put in the (fe)male, the marital account has been paid down and drained dry.
 

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@Bm4rq222 you need to see at least three or four of the best divorce lawyers in your area and have a free initial consultation with them.

In this way you will find out which is best for you. As an unfortunate side effect it might block your wife from being able to use them against you. Pity, really. But that's life.
Matt's totally right! You need to lawyer up pronto in order to protect your custodial and marital property rights!

Get yourself to a good family lawyers office and don't let the door hit you in the butt!
 

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Thank you for all the feedback. It gets a little tricky because of finances and things. We are both pretty much broke and there is no finances to go after. We both have careers and good jobs but we make enough to cover our bills and that's about it. We literally just resigned a lease in February for another year. My cell phone is in her name the cars are in her name but the bank accounts and electric and other bills are in mine. This being said everything of ours is intertwined. If i would file for divorce today I wouldnt have a car or a phone tomorrow. I have started seeing a psychologist but my health insurance is through her job! SO that being said in the State of Florida you cant get a legal separation. I have an appointment next week for a consult with an attorney. We are both civil at the moment with each other because we are trying to do what's best for the kids regardless of her choices. The guy she is seeing is not in a relationship he isnt married and as far as I know he does not have a girlfriend or anybody for me to expose him to. They do work in the same facility just on different floors. I could blow them up at their job but I am not trying to turn this into an ugly custody battle. My 9 year old is not biologically mine. I have been in his life since he was 3. He has my lsat name and we were talking about me legally adopting him before this all blew up. She says she will still let me adopt him because I look at him as one of my own children. As it sits right now we have agreed to stay in the house together for a year and take that time to split everything up. I don't know if that's just me trying to hang on to something but at the same time I can't afford to up and find a new place that thats half way decent for me and the kids/kid. We would also have to find places somewhat in the same area because I am not taking anything less then 50% custody and she wants the same.
 

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Re: wife is having an affair...

Bm4rq222, sorry you are here. Yet, you can get good advice here because many here have been through what you are experiencing now. Whether she is remorseful and still in her affair is, in a sense irrelevant. Start your 180 now and do not back off. See an attorney ASAP and do not
try to predict the future or outcome. Next, take care of yourself!! Go to the gym or swim. Also, reveal the affair to anyone who will listen. Your WW is in the shadows now, so expose the A to sunlight.
 

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Did she come into your marriage with two cars? Did you come into the marriage with the bank account?
I believe FL is a Community Property state. Split everything 50:50 that was acquired in the marriage. With a short, less than 7-10 years you get what you came in with and you split what you two got together.
Yes you will need a phone plan of your own.

How do you think it will work out with her dating her BF, going to his place for the weekend, leaving the kids with you and still sharing the house with you.?
 

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Bm4rq222 said:
I can't afford to up and find a new place that thats half way decent for me and the kids/kid.
That, my friend, is problem #1, #2, #3, and #4. You need to get into a financial position from which you CAN AFFORD it, as well as your phone and your health insurance. Do not leave anything (ANYTHING) in her name. Take all you can into your own control.

If you need education and/or training to accomplish this, ask your attorney about your chances of getting spousal support from your wife for a few years to accomplish this purpose. Find an attorney who is not afraid of a fight, and who has no compunction about ripping her a new anal sphincter.

There are penalties in sin which people must endure. Your wife is no exception to the rule. She wants to do the horizontal bop with some other guy, let her pay for the ride.

Do everything you can to make sure the entire weight of her behavior, and her AP's fall squarely upon their heads. Staunchly refuse to accept any penalty for any of this. This is her own selfishness, and nothing else, which is driving her behavior. It has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with you.

If you cannot find suitable housing you can afford in the same locale as her, then get the custodial blend you want, and FORCE HER legally to accommodate your time with your kids.

Have no mercy. She doesn't give a carpenter's damn about you.
 

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You've gotten a lot of good advice, I'd take it.

Looking at fertility doctors and this happens?! WTF?! You've dodged a bullet.

I'm sure some other posters will disagree, but I would tell you DO NOT adopt that child at this point. Also, unfortunately, I'd DNA test the 4 year old.

Sorry you're going through this.
 

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Since you are posting on both TAM and SI I will give you the same advice on both for the benefit of any folks new to infidelity. As for the ring, have it remade into a nice pinky ring.

Here are some concrete Do's & Don'ts.

Do's:

1.) Lawyer up. At the very least, find out your rights and what you need to prepare for. I would have her served with papers. That can be halted if she gets her head out of her ass.

2.) Have yourself tested for STDs.

3.) DNA test your kids.

4.) Expose to both families and friends. Also, contact his wife or girlfriend. It is the best way to break up an affair.

Don'ts:

5.) Don't have sex with her. It would be considered as forgiveness by a judge.

6.)Don't beg her, cry in front of her, or try to reason with her. In fact, you should be using the "180" technique with her. It helps you to detach and begin the healing process. Google - The 180 For Hurt Spouses.

People are drawn to people who show strength, courage, and decisive action. Become that man. Its the only way out of infidelity, whether you divorce or reconcile.
 
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