Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 29 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hi all

I have never posted on a marriage forum before and a few years ago would have never imagined myself doing this. But I am at the end of my tether.

My wife and I have been married for 7 years, she was 18 when we got married, I was 25... we now have two sons (4 and 2) who I adore to bits.

I am self-employed and am doing well for our family, earning a good income despite having to work long hours sometimes. My wife is a stay at home mom although has one or two small ventures on the side which she does from home.

Everything was fine until we were expecting our 2nd child, and my wife started to become irritable with mood swings (she had these before but they'd never last more than 48 hrs). I attributed this to post natal depression (although it started during the pregnancy) and tried to understand her, even apologising for not showing enough concern about her.

However during the months that followed it seems that nothing I do is good enough for her. I went on a business trip and came back with a laptop and new phone for her. But she spends an average of 3 hours a day watching movies and tv shows and uses the laptop for nothing else apart from facebook and browsing celebrity news stories. We have someone who does the housework for us, so most of the time all she does is cook - she sometimes baths the children but I put them to bed most evenings (which I love doing so I don't complain), I get them up most mornings (again, I treasure quality time with the kids, especially given that I am working all day). But she wastes the whole time away on the internet.

Less than a year after I got her the laptop she wants an iPad, apparently the laptop isn't good enough for her 'needs'. She then decided to join a gym which I wasn't keen on as we had bought some gym equipment for the home, but she said she couldn't be motivated enough to use it. I was worried about possible encounters with male fitness instructors and the resulting dissatisfaction with me compared to them, but I put this to the back of my mind and told myself to trust her.

Anyway a few months later she's complaining as usual about minor things (that I don't put the rubbish out - I forget), that I don't talk (the main reason being that she's continuously plugged into her headphones on the laptop), that I don't give her a break with the kids (the most ludicrous accusation of all, as I give them breakfast, wash them and put them to bed 5 days out of 7). I then notice text messages from two unknown men on her phone, she is also looking at a facebook page of one of the gym instructors regularly.

Perhaps I should have approached her about it straight away but I was scared she'd make a huge issue and start a big argument in front of the kids (the average length of time for her mood swings had long since increased to around 1 week - and by that I mean totally blanking me for a whole week). So I started spying on her phone. There were mild sexual undertones and some flirting but nothing major, but then she met up with one of these guys (who had left the gym to work in another town) when she was on a weekend visit to a friend (I had stayed behind to look after the kids). When she got back there was a big bust up, she claimed I had no right to spy on her, and that he was just a friend and they met for a chat. I had to believe her, I had no evidence otherwise.

I was so stressed I developed shingles 4 weeks later, and the only explanation the Dr could give me due to my age and otherwise good health was emotional stress. My wife was present when this conversation happened and knew exactly what stress this was.

We went away last week for 3 days on business trip to a nice hotel, and I got my parents to babysit the kids so we could go together and have a time to ourselves. But on the way she started arguing about a petty issue and accused me of all sorts of terrible things, which pretty much killed the whole enjoyment of the trip and turned it into a nasty pretence of being a perfect couple in front of other business friends while saying nothing to me when we were alone (any attempt at conversation was met with a stony silence).

We got back and she was talking to me again but still moody. I had a pile of business to catch up on as is usual on a Monday morning after a business trip (she knows this perfectly well). She started running the bath for the kids and I was going to finish the 3 or 4 hrs work I still had to do when she decided she wanted to go out to the gym and asked could I not do the work some other time?!! This was nearly 8pm and the gym closes at 9, I also know for a fact there are hardly any people around after 8 so I was suspicious. I confronted her about the gym instructor (who I know to be a flirt who will go for anything with two legs) and she flew off the handle, accusing me of being controlling, being selfish, and ended up saying she is taking the kids to look for a place of her own.

She has left in the SUV that we own together. I played along with it for the kids sake, I also know she's not going to follow through and will be back later but I can't take any more of this. I feel like I'm going insane, it is affecting my health and also my business (without which we would be financially bankrupt - and of course I would get the blame)

What can I do?!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,184 Posts
OP,

I am sorry to hear that you are having problems.

From what you have described I think your wife may be having at least an "Emotional Affair" EA with someone from the gym.

You posting on here looking for help / advice shows that you at least realize your relationship could be at a tipping point. The first thing you and your wife need to do is sit down calmly and really talk / listen to how each of you feel / what you each want. It may be better to do this with someone you both trust (counselor/ family friend / minister etc) just to help you each open up / listen.

If you are right and your wife’s change of attitude dates to her second pregnancy then she could as you say have post natal depression with which she could need professional help.

I am sure you will get lots of help / advice on this site and I wish the best for you and your family.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,546 Posts
OK, first things first-

She is cheating on you physically, at best she's just cheating emotionally.

The weekend away was a weekend spent with him.

She will lie to you, she will blame shift and she will gaslight you.

The best thing you can do is do a fair assessment of your relationship. Decide where you stand and what your boundaries are from here on in, and stick to them, do not be swayed. She will get angry and threaten you, tell you, you are controlling and try and get you to feel bad.

What is your relationship generally like? You said she has mood swings? well everyone has a bad mood every now and then, but to consistently treat you badly is not Ok. You need to stop letting her treat you badly, Never apologise to keep the peace, only apologise when you have done the wrong thing.


I would say you also need to be prepared to walk away from her, because if she knows you will stay or are afraid, she will keep doing what she's doing.

firstly before you confront her get some solid proof of what she's doing, get a key logger and put it on her computer, and put a VAR in her car, so you can see and hear everything. Then once you have solid proof you can move ahead. it shouldn't take long.

Then if you want to stay with her, let her know that if she does not cut contact with this man (and any one else you are not comfortable with) that you will leave. Tell her you want the whole truth from her mouth. That she is to give you full access to all accounts and phone, and be completely transparent. Insist on marital counselling, and keep coming here for advice.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
405 Posts
Get to the root problem of her moodiness. Get a consultation with a psychiatrist. Irritability can be a symptom of mania. People in a manic state will seek out risky sexual encounters if their judgment is impaired enough. Does she ever have episodes of depression? If it is bipolar disorder this is treatable with medication.

The moodiness could be due being unfaithful. Had cousins husband was cheating on her and he would pick fights with her as an excuse to get away.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
Thank you all for your replies so far.

I should have said, I did install spy software on her smartphone which proved she met up with this guy. But it does seem she only met him for a couple of hours, as I confirmed with her friend and someone else she had spent the night at her friends place. I did also see a text message she sent to him saying that she better not contact him anymore as her husband thinks there's something going on (he replied and said ok)

But this isn't the same guy as the one at the gym now... she was texting both of them, but the guy who she has stopped contact with (as far as I know) lives in another town, this other guy is here.

I have tried to sit down with her but when she's in one of these mood swings there is no reasoning at all. She clams up, and just makes accusations, waiting for me to do the apology thing which I'm not prepared to do anymore.

I will never consider letting her go, I would rather live miserably for the next 15 or so years until our kids leave home than have them brought up in a split marriage.

Does anyone know if post natal depression can last that long? Our youngest is 2 now
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
793 Posts
Post natal depression can last a while. I experienced this. I'm in the UK and depression starting in the two years after the birth is considered post natal depression.

Thing is, the depression may explain her behaviour but it doesn't make it okay. You talk about her complaints, finding out she ha met another man on a weekend away, the fact that she seems very keen to nip out to the gym when it's fairly clear she's off to see the instructor, but you haven't said about stating your boundaries. What did you say to her about meeting another man? What did SHE say?

The trouble is, if you are saying you will stick with her until the kids are grown up, then you are basically saying you will put up with her behaviour. She doesn't sound like she respects you or the work you do and the part you play with the kids and household. Is that okay with you? Because it sounds like it is. And if it isn't... What are you going to do about it? I wonder if you're torn because you don't know if it's physical? Like LittleDeer said, at the leat it's an emotional affair, if only on her part. WAY inappropriate for a married woman.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,629 Posts
I suggest you ask a mod to move this thread to the Coping with Infidelity section first. A lot of people will weigh in and give you advice on how to cope with a cheating spouse - or how to go about confirming/or dismissing the suspicion of infidelity.

But IMHO, you wife is cheating on you and it's probably a physical affair. PPD may be a contributor here, but I would recommend that you reflect on your marital past and try to see your wife for who she really is - not who you thought she was. Let's review the facts you presented so far. You wife stays at home yet she still does less work around the house and taking care of the kids than you do. Also, you seem to buy your wife a lot of presents to try to keep her happy. Evidently your efforts there are not working at all. And on top of that you appear to back down from a confrontation with your wife every time she raises her voice or uses emotionally charged words against you like "controlling", "emotionally abusive", "acting like my dad", "invading my privacy", "threatens to leave", etc. etc...

Based on what we know, it's clear that you are an enabler. You enabled your wife to become a spoiled princess. You became a doormat in your marriage. As a result, your wife no longer sees value in you as a person let alone value as a lover. As you obtain proof on whether she's cheating or not, the bottom line is that you need to start respecting yourself as a person. Deep down, you don't like yourself and that results in your wife not valuing you.

If your wife is not cheating or if you and your wife elect to work on the marriage to recover, you need to change how you approach things. First the other man needs to be taken out of the picture entirely (no contact letter, wife must quit gym, etc). Also, you need to demand respect from your wife. That means sticking up for yourself and not taking sh!t from her. It also means that you stop trying to buy her affection with gifts, housekeepers and constant trips out by herself while you stay behind watching the kids. It means if your wife is going to be a stay at home mom that she actually WORKS around the house.

Just some thoughts to try to help. Good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
459 Posts
Your wife is banging other dudes. You're being too much of a nice guy. You made the mistake of confronting your wife too soon without enough evidence and she pushed her affairs further underground.

Go 007 on her and collect more evidence. Quit catering to her every need. Improve yourself so you're hotter than the gym instructors she's banging. Read No More Mr Nice Guy and The Married Mans Sex Life Primer.

When the time is right come down hard on her and lay down the law. She doesn't respect you because you're too nice and not as hot as the dudes she's banging. Time to man up.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
32 Posts
In my opnion, you could put software on the computer to track her on there. You could get her to go to a Dr for a Pysch diagnoses. After 2 kids, her self esteem maybe low, she's feeling unattractive. What are you doing to make her feel loved, beautiful, wanted.. get my drift? She's going elsewhere, to seek approval. it's not always personal. If is to a point, and most certainly feels like it. it's her problem. She has to start dealing with it. If you confront her with all this secret proof and you're spending all this time, enegy and money spying on her, it could put a serious rift in your relationship. Ask her what YOU can do to so she knows YOU think she's pretty, attractive, desirable, loved, wanted.. She's taking care of babies, needs romance.. If you do your part. really do your part.. It may snap her out of this crap. if she still seeks the approval of other men then again, it's her issue. You can't stop her. You can't control her. it will just get uglier. You will have to accept the reality of it and make the best choice for you and your kids.. She will have to suffer the consequences of her actions.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,948 Posts
STOP LIVING IN FEAR OF WHAT SHE IS GOING TO DO!

THAT IS HOW SHE IS CONTROLLING THE SITUATION!

Who paid for the phone? Who paid for the lap top? Who paid for tablet? Who pays for the gym? Who paid for the SUV? Who pays for the clothes on her back? And she's telling you that you can't put demands on her as to other men? What's wrong with this picture? Are you the man here? Yes you are. You are the man and provider. Time to act! You're on your way to getting there now that you've decided it's better not to be married than live this way. It's time to convey that to her too.

Time to reevaluate your position here. She's got you fooled as to what you can and can't control. In shorter words "it's time you wise up" and take the upper hand. Set you boundaries and follow through with consequences, if she wants to act single. Actually she wants to act single with the benefit of you paying the tab. Don't ever let her take your children. Their you children too.

Here, take a look at the personalities that get into these situations. Take the quiz too....see where you stand.

No More Mr. Nice Guy

Read this too, Find out why she is hot for others and not you. See where you're failing.

Married Man Sex Life (no it'e not a sex guide, it's a man guide)

Get these books today and get to fixing yourself and situation.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,809 Posts
I can't help you. But you can help future generations. Once this is over, whatever that means, start the middle school "don't marry your high school sweetheart" speaking engagement tour. Seek out a few others who have made the same mistake and teach the world together NOT to do it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17,204 Posts
It stinks about your kids, but when it comes to her, what will you lose if she bails? A lazy, irritable, indifferent, moody, dishonest, unfaithful person? I'd help her pack if she'd leave me the kids. For two years, has she been adding something positive to your life? Maybe if she was incredibly better the first 5 years, I might invest good effort into getting her to a shrink and maybe some marriage counseling. Just judging from your description of her past two years, it sort of looks like she's doing you a favor (except as pertains to your kids).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,888 Posts
You can't be serious about not letting her go. What kind of example is that for your children? They will grow up thinking it's okay to cheat on your spouse and possibly do it themselves.

You need to stop this madness. Your wife is disrespecting you in many ways. I don't know how you can allow her to keep cheating. I know from experience she will never quit. My ex h still cheats(now on his current wife) and we divorced 19 years ago. How can you let your children grow up in a house with a selfish and angry mother who betrays her husband?

At best you want your children growing up in a safe and calm environment whether your married or not. Children are sponges and soak up everything, including your wife's behavior. It's so important to lead a good and positive examples for them. Bringing children up in a hostile environment is not ideal.

You work extremely hard to provide for your family. Your wife is taking EVERYTHING for granted. She always will.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
606 Posts
your wife's manipulative, sneaky, disrespectful, ugly, angry behavior is unacceptable. It is unacceptable to tolerate this disgusting behavior for 15 years til the kids are out the house.

She picks a fight and holds a grudge on the way to a nice vacation? disgusting. she's angry at you for needing to work so she can run off to the gym? what a disgusting princess. does she have one ounce of appreciation for the nice lifestyle she's living as a SAHM, which not every mom can be, with all the toys she wants?

this is not sustainable. you need to do a 180. she shuts you down with her anger and you cower to it and cater to it and accept it. go to a MC, even by yourself, to learn how to handle this. you should let your wife know that your marriage is in danger . if she doesn't care (because she's having/seeking an affair), then you need to move on.

Speak to a divorce attorney to see if you have a chance of getting the kids for 3 or 4 days/week. The stress is already making you sick. this is no way to live.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
231 Posts
OP, do not stay in your marriage if you do not think your marriage can be saved! All this will do is create even more bitterness and resentment and you will likely wind up divorced anyway only with alot more baggage.

So now it's time to analyze what's going on in your home. What needs does she feel aren't being met? Secondly alot of stay at home wives fall into the boredom trap. She does a few things on the side, you said, but alot of SAHM feel like they aren't contributing enough financially even with a part-time gig under their belts. Was she an accomplished woman before your marriage? Alot of SAHM who were accomplished before marriage and children wind up missing it at least sub conciously. Also you claim that she is moody. This implies that she has moments of being happy and on the ball. Is there a pattern?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
Wow, there are so many supportive people out there, thank you all

I've bought the ebook No More Mr Nice Guy, and am willing to give it a try to save our marriage. I'm going to have to get tough and tell her straight up and down she can't get away with this any longer. The thing is, I don't have concrete evidence she is having a physical affair, but I do have evidence of an emotional affair as she has run a google search on her laptop 'how to break free from an emotional affair'. Which makes me even more upset that she accuses me of being controlling by not being happy at her going to the gym! She also accused me of accusing her of giving me shingles, when she knows full well it was due to stress, caused by her!

She grew up with no father figure (her dad died when she was 7) and I do think that has something to do with the issues

I just want my family back, I will do anything for my sons. Take a bullet through my brain, anything.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
So now it's time to analyze what's going on in your home. What needs does she feel aren't being met? Secondly alot of stay at home wives fall into the boredom trap. She does a few things on the side, you said, but alot of SAHM feel like they aren't contributing enough financially even with a part-time gig under their belts. Was she an accomplished woman before your marriage? Alot of SAHM who were accomplished before marriage and children wind up missing it at least sub conciously. Also you claim that she is moody. This implies that she has moments of being happy and on the ball. Is there a pattern?


She wasn't accomplished, no.

And she is rarely euphoric, or very happy nowadays - I did wonder about borderline personality disorder or something like that, if there was a medical condition that explained part of her behaviour and medication that could help, it would make it a whole lot easier.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,948 Posts
Read the books, get a feel for the subject.

How many hours a week have the two of you spent alone together, not in front the of TV or internet, in the last years?

Surprise me. Tell me almost none. :rolleyes:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
231 Posts
She wasn't accomplished, no.

And she is rarely euphoric, or very happy nowadays - I did wonder about borderline personality disorder or something like that, if there was a medical condition that explained part of her behaviour and medication that could help, it would make it a whole lot easier.
So she wasn't accomplished. You bring in the money. You work alot and she spends the vast majority of her time with the kids. It really does sound like boredom. Then you couple it with the fact that she probably think she doesn't have anything going for her other than her looks..that might be a recipe for disaster. I agree with anchorwatch. How much quality time do you spend together?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,668 Posts
Thank you all for your replies so far.

I should have said, I did install spy software on her smartphone which proved she met up with this guy. But it does seem she only met him for a couple of hours, as I confirmed with her friend and someone else she had spent the night at her friends place. I did also see a text message she sent to him saying that she better not contact him anymore as her husband thinks there's something going on (he replied and said ok)

But this isn't the same guy as the one at the gym now... she was texting both of them, but the guy who she has stopped contact with (as far as I know) lives in another town, this other guy is here.

I have tried to sit down with her but when she's in one of these mood swings there is no reasoning at all. She clams up, and just makes accusations, waiting for me to do the apology thing which I'm not prepared to do anymore.

I will never consider letting her go, I would rather live miserably for the next 15 or so years until our kids leave home than have them brought up in a split marriage.

Does anyone know if post natal depression can last that long? Our youngest is 2 now
If my wife met up with a gym instructor for two hours behind my back that would alone be a dealbreaker for me if all they exchanged were coupons for GNC vitamins. You do not need any more evidence of her being unfaithful. Two hours is plenty of time to have sex. Because trust me that is all the GYM guy wants from your SAHM.

You were unwilling to engage this when the problem first started. Yes it is her affair. But you have enabled this as well. This happened so quickly that I would say it is NOT likely an EA. This is an intentional PA. Did she join the GYM to cheat? Maybe. However she was picked up at the GYM by this guy.

My wife and I will will never have opposite sex personal trainers. That is looking for trouble. Many of these guys do this work because of the perks they get from their clients.

You are living in an open marriage and funding a woman who is not even a good mom. She brings very little to the marriage.

I have no idea why you did nt engage with her as soon as she was corresponding with guys from the GYM!!! Her mood is really an indicator she was already deciding to cheat. She ws cutting her feelings for you so she could do this. It is human nature. This may not be her first rodeo. Just the one you saw happening.

Lose your fear. At this point your children need you to man up.
 
1 - 20 of 29 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top