My situation is similar. My fiancé tells me that I am "better" than his EA. Wow, that sounds nice but my memory reminds me that he didn't drop the "just friends" charades until I asked him to.What she is probably holding onto (not that it makes it OK) is that you weren't up front with her about that woman at work that you had a crush on. That someone else felt the need to tell her about it probably fueled it into a brushfire.
That is almost identical to what happened with my husband while we were dating...unfortunately, it set the stage for further issues, and no matter what happens, I'm always brought back to that # 1 lie. 2 years later, I'm seriously considering ending things because of it.
You can't go back and fix that now; all I can say is be 100% honest with your wife and hope that she eventually comes around.
So of course, this fuels a need in myself to be hyper vigilant so that I nip things in the bud. It also makes me feel that until I took a stand --on any matter now-- he has the feeling of "who gives a ****, if she's not confident enough to ask for it, then she doesn't deserve it."
That's enough to make you want to be proactive.