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Discussion Starter #1
My wife is chronically suspicious. She will at times admit it's not my problem - it is due to her history and insecurities. She is in individual therapy as well as our MC.
I am glad she is talking to someone, and I should be patient, but it drives me nuts. I am very honest and straight-forward, I hide nothing. It's not even about women all the time, she just suspect ulterior motives any time there is a change.

Example: She knows I usually avoid gatherings or parties, but recently two other divisions of our company (we work together too) moved to our floor and they had an Open House - so I went to stop by for 15 minutes and say hi. I have recently become management and it's part of my job to make connections and be friendly.

She got weird on me and became quite annoying. "When you came back you made a face at our boss - what did that mean???" etc...I always make faces with my boss. He is British and we are always joking with each other often without words. But this time there was some hidden meaning. I said it was nothing unusual but she didn't accept that...:(

With women it was much worse but has gotten a bit better since she started with counselling.

I want to be and deserve to be trusted...
How do you handle constant unreasonable suspicion?
If I just ignore her I put distance between us and I don't want that...
 

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Give the counselling time... she has taken many years to get to the stage she is at now...change is never rapid and if it is it's often fleeting change.

Will you be able see a counselor at any stage?
He/she may be able to give you strategies/tools to cope. Phrases to use. Physical actions you can take to be reassuring.

Be 100% honest and transparent and don't distance your self... this would spin her out. Hold her often and tell her you love her everyday.. just the normal stuff really :)

And yes be patient but take time out for yourself too. This must be really difficult to live with on a daily basis.

Have to ask..have you ever done anything to break her trust? Or has someone else close to her betrayed her in some big way??
 

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Give the counselling time... she has taken many years to get to the stage she is at now...change is never rapid and if it is it's often fleeting change.

Will you be able see a counselor at any stage?
He/she may be able to give you strategies/tools to cope. Phrases to use. Physical actions you can take to be reassuring.

Be 100% honest and transparent and don't distance your self... this would spin her out. Hold her often and tell her you love her everyday.. just the normal stuff really :)

And yes be patient but take time out for yourself too. This must be really difficult to live with on a daily basis.

Have to ask..have you ever done anything to break her trust? Or has someone else close to her betrayed her in some big way??

Thank you.
We visit the same councillor. Both joint and individually. She (doc) has been of help to me, but mostly asks me to be patient.

My wife was with lots of "player" types in her younger years so she is used to men like that - 180 opposite of me. She also dated married men (something I have expressed strong disapproval about). As a teenager, her close friend slept with her first serious boyfriend - double betrayal.

Only thing I ever to come between us is before my wife joined our company a girl and I in the office became close and used to have lunch, etc. She however had a boyfriend (now her husband) so we did nothing even though we both knew there was a connection. We eventually severed and then came back as close friends with no attachments. She still works here., but we don't socialize.

Early in our dating my wife asked if I had dated anyone in the company and I said no, but I did have lunch with this girl and kind of had a crush on her. I wanted to be honest. Well...later a woman who has since been fired told my then girlfriend/soon to be wife that I was soooo in love with this other girl that she was surprised the two of us were dating. My wife thought I had lied to her. Turns out this other woman was jealous as she had liked me and didn't like that my wife got me "so easy" and wanted to sow discord. She did.

That's it. Anything that ever happened was before I met my wife - and nothing happened anyway since I divorced by ex.
 

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It does makes the situation a little easier to understand though.. I am suspicious of my H too. He lied to me about issues that were important to me/us/our marriage and now I don't trust him the way I should..as his wife. It's really sad because he's a wonderful man in many ways.

Your wife has a history of her trust being broken.. it takes a long time to build trust, moments to shatter it and a lifetime to rebuild it, I believe.

I would strongly recommend getting AND reading a book called
His Needs Her Needs (2nd time today I've recommended it). You will see it mentioned often on the boards.

It will explain so much but there is a chapter about a womans need for honesty and openness. it explains how lies/secrets destroy a womans sense of security. After reading it you will be able to understand where she is coming from and maybe this will help you both. I hope it does :)
 

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Discussion Starter #5
It does makes the situation a little easier to understand though.. I am suspicious of my H too. He lied to me about issues that were important to me/us/our marriage and now I don't trust him the way I should..as his wife. It's really sad because he's a wonderful man in many ways.

Your wife has a history of her trust being broken.. it takes a long time to build trust, moments to shatter it and a lifetime to rebuild it, I believe.

I would strongly recommend getting AND reading a book called
His Needs Her Needs (2nd time today I've recommended it). You will see it mentioned often on the boards.

It will explain so much but there is a chapter about a womans need for honesty and openness. it explains how lies/secrets destroy a womans sense of security. After reading it you will be able to understand where she is coming from and maybe this will help you both. I hope it does :)

Thanks, I will check out the book.
 

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It does makes the situation a little easier to understand though.. I am suspicious of my H too. He lied to me about issues that were important to me/us/our marriage and now I don't trust him the way I should..as his wife. It's really sad because he's a wonderful man in many ways.

Your wife has a history of her trust being broken.. it takes a long time to build trust, moments to shatter it and a lifetime to rebuild it, I believe.

I would strongly recommend getting AND reading a book called
His Needs Her Needs (2nd time today I've recommended it). You will see it mentioned often on the boards.

It will explain so much but there is a chapter about a womans need for honesty and openness. it explains how lies/secrets destroy a womans sense of security. After reading it you will be able to understand where she is coming from and maybe this will help you both. I hope it does :)
That's the most painful part; the trusting. Or not trusting! This situation somewhat mirrors my own, Corum. I hope you and your wife can find peace.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
That's the most painful part; the trusting. Or not trusting! This situation somewhat mirrors my own, Corum. I hope you and your wife can find peace.
Thank you.
I suppose I might have an unreasonable expectation of trustworthiness...but for me, my word and my honour are my most valuable things.
 

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Corum, my husband is a good man on many levels. He tells me time and time again that he CAN be the man I want him to be. He speaks of his word and his honour as well. I'd love nothing more to believe him. But sadly, when he forces us to revisit the same old tired issues over and over again, his word and honour don't mean much. He's made promise after promise to change, to get help, yet he never does. For awhile, things will be good...I get lulled into a false sense of security by closing my eyes, and then I get made a fool of again.

Right now, there is nothing my husband could possibly say that I would believe. Other than "Maybe we should look into a separation." I might consider that.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I understand your sentiment CandieGirl, and if I had done wrong I would be deeply in regret. However it was not me and yet I am paying the price. This is where the frustration comes in...
 

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Had a nice blow-out last night.
Was skyping my mom and told her my wife went to a Ferragamo wife tasting event and met and got photos with Salvatore himself. My wife was very happy about this and wanted to share. My mom is not too familiar with the brand - she is not rich - and said yes Ferragamo is very nice if you like $3000 scarfs. I told her it wasn't that expensive and we talked about something else.

After I got off the skype call my wife said, "what did your mother say about me???" I initially didn't know what she was talking about. She then raised her voice and started ranting about she can buy what she likes and my mother has no right to criticize her fashion choices or ferragamo, etc. I told her that never happened, she was just commenting on how expensive the brand is, augmented by her lack of experience. She never commented about my wife.

Of course my wife did not believe this and escalated. I told her repeatedly this was not the case and to stop as I wasn't going to have such an argument. She escalated further saying how my mom says bad things about her (never happened) and then I told her she needs to stop this fighting against attacks that never happened.

She has a pattern of imagining attacks or offences, then striking back with an offensive defence...all this while the attack never happened.

It's making me crazy and has been happening for years now.
I told her I wanted a divorce and to get the papers the following day. She said she would, absolutely. [In Japan all you need is a piece of paper for mutual consent divorce, no lawyers or fees].

Today she doesn't want to get the paper. She is too busy, or her shoes are not suitable for walking a few minutes to the town hall for the form.

Seriously, I am going nuts here...
 

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Yes they are but if you give love then you deserve love. In case you cheated then you don't need to deserve love.
 

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Hi corum. Your in a difficult position but I have to hand it to you that Id certinly like to shake your hand.
I have similar issues to those of your wife may be not quite as deep. (There I admit it) Your W is suffering Paranoia fueled I guess by anxiety which in turn was fired up sometime in her past. You mentioned her dating married men in the past. Therefore she has seen how the games are played. Frequenlty people that have either been very badly hurt by a cheat or have been a cheat themselves have these issues.

Keep being patient - its really hard, indeed its probabley the hardest thing youll ever do. The reaction to the Skype call I suspect was played over in your W's head from a simple OH thats expensive comment through to the point where your mother was heavily critisising her for going to the party (although in reality this actually didnt happen). Its something that anxiety sufferers do, they take a normal situation play it through in their heads, then they will put a twist in there so that its a negitive comment, a case of what if this happened or wss said what will I do, then they run that through their heads a few times and add in the fact that this type of crisisism is probably being said regulally etc. You can see then that your W is over thinking the a issue. She then is fired up and ready to take on the flight or fight scenario. The case of the scarf has the fight scenario and your W caming at you fighting. Sadly your W's defense mechanism kicks in at a lot lower stage than yours or indeed most other peoples. I say this from experience of the effect. Its good that your W's theropist has spoken to you and that you can see all be it a slight improvement in your W's reaction to other females it is still a very possitive improvement and shows that your W is working hard to remove this obsticle. All I will say is stay positive, keep pouring out your feelings here if needed as many here can see what your experiencing, those like me who suffer the anxiety issues can empthise and hopefully support you. Its a tough one and something that I wish to god someone would come up with a magic pill to stop.

Good old supporting comments to your wife is certinly needed. Its goes to enforce the clear love you have for her and it will over time be something your wife will see.
Good luck fella.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Hi corum. Your in a difficult position but I have to hand it to you that Id certinly like to shake your hand.
I have similar issues to those of your wife may be not quite as deep. (There I admit it) Your W is suffering Paranoia fueled I guess by anxiety which in turn was fired up sometime in her past. You mentioned her dating married men in the past. Therefore she has seen how the games are played. Frequenlty people that have either been very badly hurt by a cheat or have been a cheat themselves have these issues.

Keep being patient - its really hard, indeed its probabley the hardest thing youll ever do. The reaction to the Skype call I suspect was played over in your W's head from a simple OH thats expensive comment through to the point where your mother was heavily critisising her for going to the party (although in reality this actually didnt happen). Its something that anxiety sufferers do, they take a normal situation play it through in their heads, then they will put a twist in there so that its a negitive comment, a case of what if this happened or wss said what will I do, then they run that through their heads a few times and add in the fact that this type of crisisism is probably being said regulally etc. You can see then that your W is over thinking the a issue. She then is fired up and ready to take on the flight or fight scenario. The case of the scarf has the fight scenario and your W caming at you fighting. Sadly your W's defense mechanism kicks in at a lot lower stage than yours or indeed most other peoples. I say this from experience of the effect. Its good that your W's theropist has spoken to you and that you can see all be it a slight improvement in your W's reaction to other females it is still a very possitive improvement and shows that your W is working hard to remove this obsticle. All I will say is stay positive, keep pouring out your feelings here if needed as many here can see what your experiencing, those like me who suffer the anxiety issues can empthise and hopefully support you. Its a tough one and something that I wish to god someone would come up with a magic pill to stop.

Good old supporting comments to your wife is certinly needed. Its goes to enforce the clear love you have for her and it will over time be something your wife will see.
Good luck fella.
Thanks a lot. You sound like you know exactly what I am facing.
 

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I hate to be the the turd in the punch bowl, but have you considered the possibility that her suspicions come from her behavior and not your own?

I didn't find out my wife was cheating until she had already left. But one of the things I remember clearly is that after she had cheated on me, she became extremely suspicious of me. She accused me of having an affair with my best friend's wife. She accused me of having sex with one of my classmates, several of my clients, and she was constantly trying to snoop on my computer. I gave her full access to my professional life and my electronic one but she was inconsolable. She became extremely paranoid and was constantly, viciously asking "what were they saying about me?" and the like.

This is not an isolated case, either. When someone cheats, they immediately begin to wonder about things like karma and irony, and they then suspect that the person they've cheated on is as sinister as they themselves are.

I'm not saying this is the case in your scenario. But it is something you should be aware of because it does happen. I've also noticed in your posts that your wife has a history of dating married men, which to me seems should trouble you more than any of her problems in trusting you.
 
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I hate to be the the turd in the punch bowl, but have you considered the possibility that her suspicions come from her behavior and not your own?

I didn't find out my wife was cheating until she had already left. But one of the things I remember clearly is that after she had cheated on me, she became extremely suspicious of me. She accused me of having an affair with my best friend's wife. She accused me of having sex with one of my classmates, several of my clients, and she was constantly trying to snoop on my computer. I gave her full access to my professional life and my electronic one but she was inconsolable. She became extremely paranoid and was constantly, viciously asking "what were they saying about me?" and the like.

This is not an isolated case, either. When someone cheats, they immediately begin to wonder about things like karma and irony, and they then suspect that the person they've cheated on is as sinister as they themselves are.

I'm not saying this is the case in your scenario. But it is something you should be aware of because it does happen. I've also noticed in your posts that your wife has a history of dating married men, which to me seems should trouble you more than any of her problems in trusting you.
:iagree:My ex as well!
 

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I feel your pain. Its exhausting. The constant reassurance, the constant talking about issues. When did life get so complicated? How long does it go on for? I am sure your like me , you just want peace in your life.
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I understand your sentiment CandieGirl, and if I had done wrong I would be deeply in regret. However it was not me and yet I am paying the price. This is where the frustration comes in...
What she is probably holding onto (not that it makes it OK) is that you weren't up front with her about that woman at work that you had a crush on. That someone else felt the need to tell her about it probably fueled it into a brushfire.

That is almost identical to what happened with my husband while we were dating...unfortunately, it set the stage for further issues, and no matter what happens, I'm always brought back to that # 1 lie. 2 years later, I'm seriously considering ending things because of it.

You can't go back and fix that now; all I can say is be 100% honest with your wife and hope that she eventually comes around.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
What she is probably holding onto (not that it makes it OK) is that you weren't up front with her about that woman at work that you had a crush on. That someone else felt the need to tell her about it probably fueled it into a brushfire.

That is almost identical to what happened with my husband while we were dating...unfortunately, it set the stage for further issues, and no matter what happens, I'm always brought back to that # 1 lie. 2 years later, I'm seriously considering ending things because of it.

You can't go back and fix that now; all I can say is be 100% honest with your wife and hope that she eventually comes around.
Well I was honest about the crush...told her on the first date.
Additionally that was over months before I ever met her. I say over though I never touched the girl even :confused:
 

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Discussion Starter #20
An to all - I am SURE my wife is not cheating. My first wife cheated on me... :(

We work in the same company and are together most of the day/ night.
I am at the gym for an hour 3x a week and I am home by 7PM. She is often cooking for me at this time.

She is an honest woman. She was a "bad girl" in her past - in Japanese terms at least, but not now. And she regrets some of her past. That's 10-20 years ago now.
It's just I have all the baggage dumped on me and set afire very other day.
And my my fire extinguishers are running on empty..
 
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