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Hi there this is my first post so if its a little long I apologize I just want to try to get everything out so you all get where im coming from in regards for my thoughts of divorce.

I grew up in a small town where people were generally nice and smiled when they passed each other on the street even if they were strangers. People were generally very nice to one another. We had very little money and after my stepfather divorced my mom I changed rental homes every year for 4 years until moving to my present city. I remember vividly going to bed hungry and finding it hard to sleep because my stomach hurt from hunger. I learned to be thankful for what I had and never take things for granted be it friends or food .

I read a lot in those days because we had no tv and being the late 80's early 90's there was no real internet or anything. Which is cool because I love to read and I think its broadened my mind a bit. I also had no close friends because we moved so much. I had two little sisters that my stepfather had partial custody of . He didn't want anything to do with me because I wasn't his son so when he took the girls it was just me , my mom and my dog. One of my most memorable and hardest times as a child was watching my littlest sister cry her eyes out because it was christmas and we had no power and no presents. Basically because of my upbringing im self sufficient,thankful for the many wonderful things in my life and am satisfied with who I am as a Man and as a father.

Now onto my wife. She was raised in one of the wealthiest areas of the nation, she never wanted for anything. Her parents both made 100k or more per year and she had many , many things as a child I couldn't begin to imagine. They went to disney world every summer and to the Caribbean. She had closets full of clothing and toys. She took riding lessons and had her own pony at a local stable. Having 7 aunts and Uncles she also had plenty of cousins and christmas and birthdays were always huge events.

I realise i sound a bit bitter here but honestly im not. I accepted a long time ago that some people just had different lifestyles and it didnt make them good or bad folk just gave them different perspectives on certain subjects. Its up to the parents to instill the proper outlook, rules and stuff in thier kids.

When we started dating she had been living at home her whole life without ever living on her own. Her mother cooked, cleaned, did her laundry and paid all the bills. I picked up on subtle things that bothered me but chalked them up to me being too judgmental and blew it off. She smoked pot every day ,she would leave her tv, lights and dvd player on all the time and her mothers electric bills were atrocious but since she made so much money she just shrugged and paid them. She paid cash for her car . Basically she never needed to save money for anything. If something broke she just paid to have it fixed or asked mom for money.
She would blow up at me from time to time for silly things like other women smiling at me ( i workout alot but am no schwartznegger) but I never gave the women the look , just smiled and nodded at them the way i was taught too in my hometown. Im such a laid back happy person I just laughed the accusations of being a flirt off and waited till she got over it . Im a pretty straightforeward person and have never cheated im my life. Being a bit of a nerd I have certain stadards I have for myself ( thank you star trek lol) and dont cheat on me mates.
Those things aside she was a great person! Funny , loving, we had tons of stuff in common from musical tastes to movies to books . We were inseparable. I looked at her and genuinely thought i had found my soul mate.
We dated for 3 years before getting married. Our son was born a year later. Things changed when we moved in and had our son. He is one awesome little dude! Like me he laughs alot, wears his heart on his sleeve, always has a smile or a giggle to brighten your day and is easy going.

My wife on the other had has become bitter, angry , selfish and emotionally erratic. after we had our son I let her sleep and got up every night with the lil guy and still do if he wakes up. I take care of him all day until I go to work. When he's up at 7am im the one that gets up and dresses him and feeds him. If he has a nightmare and comes into our bed my wife will grumble and say things like "dammit to hell" or " shut the hell up" which I find horrible to say to a 3yr old. The last time she said something to that effect I told her never say anything like that again to our kid or she would sleep on the couch. He's still just a little kid after all you dont talk to them like that.
They dont understand what "grumpy' means. He would just cry and ask why mommy was mad at him. It broke my heart the first time he said that. Im basically playing the role of both parents. She still smokes pot daily and when the effect wears off she gets mean and grumpy . She snaps at me constantly telling me I need to do the dishes ( even tho I do them everyday both at home and at my job) she is an artist who does sculpture and will disappear for hours into her studio and get mad if im not home and she has to take care of our son. Its like He and I are in the way all the time. Like she cant stand that we wont leave her alone so she can smoke weed and listen to music and sculpt. If I ever fight back she puts her hands up and tells me to leave her alone and dosent talk to me all day even if I apologize.

I dont smoke pot (just an occasional cigar once and awhile) and dont go out to the bars. All my friends have moved out of state so I dont really go hangout anywhere after work at all.

She works days I work nights and we have a steady babysitter so the only time my wife has to take care of him alone is for 2 or 3 hours before he goes to bed max but she acts like its so hard. If he takes a nap during the day she gets mad because he will be up till 9 instead of 8. She cooks alot and buys the groceries and pays half the mortgage but thats it. No more contributions to the bills or anything. She smokes heavily and with a pack a day habit its expensive. She makes 20k a year and I only make 18k yet im paying health insurance,electric, gas, water,car insurance and car payments. All the bills are in my name except the mortage which is joint. She has a seperate bank account and wont tell me whats in it or let me access it.


When I was sick with food poisoning last year and we had tickets to a concert that day she was furious with me. I was grey and throwing up , kneeling on the bathroom floor and she just went into her studio , turned the music up and left me with the little guy for 3 hours then stormed downstairs roughly dressed him and left for her mothers not telling me when they would be home. I asked her not to go and she said "whatever I guess im the ******* because yer sick right?" and left me standing in the street. That was when I realised that this wasnt going to work. That kind of uncaring selfish behavior is completely beyond my understanding. I dont know what happened to her! I think she must just be so spoiled that she never matured to the point where she could be a parent and the responsibility is just too much. I've been so anxious and walking on eggshells that its started affecting my job. I went to see a psychatrist and he diagnosed me with GAD and put me on lamitrogine. It's helped a little but now im so passive that she treats me like dirt and knows I wont fight back because im worried about her taking my son and leaving and how she would treat him without me.


If it wasnt for my kid I would have told her to stay at her mothers and filed the next day after the concert incident but I hate to think of what will happen if I do! Her family has so much money, I cant possibly fight them in court for custody of my son. She makes more money and I cant afford to make house payments and the obligatory child support payments. Plus i dont want to put my son thru that. She smokes pot I know but now that im diagnosed with GAD I worry the judge would instantly declare me unfit and give her sole custody. Because nothing is ever her fault and she wont admit that the constant pot use has made her emotionally unbalanced I dont think counseling will help. She will just tell the person what she thinks they want to hear and then go back to the usual crap when we leave. I dont know what to do....


Whew im glad I got all that out, sorry its so long.
Its difficult for me to say coming from a broken home but I think its time for me to face facts and move on but how do I do that to my kid?
 

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document her drug use and how she dosn't spend time with her child and file for divorce with full coustody.and palimony!
 
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Your wife sounds like a selfish selfish person. Longterm use of pot can most definitely cause imbalance.. But then again, so can having a child. You need to sit her down and have a real talk with her. It's just awful that she actually built up resentment against you for getting sick over a concert.

You do need to start keeping documents about this stuff though. Really.. Courts are generally biased in favor of the women though.

Also recommend maybe taking steps to make sure she isn't cheating on you. Separate bank account.. Weird. It's as if she's saving up to leave you. I'm projecting though because when my Aunt had a secret bank account and left my Uncle with all their bills, she had actually met somebody on facebook and was having an affair with him.

My uncle is such a nice guy! Very smiley as well.

Privacy okay in marriages.. Not secrecy.
 

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Saxton,
I'm sorry to hear about the troubles you are having. You sound like you might be a really nice guy and I commend you for getting through your childhood and family issues without becoming bitter, blaming the world and thinking that everybody owes you something.
Based on what you have written, it does indeed sound as if your wife is a spoiled brat that has never grown up. She was never given any responsibility as a younger person and she was never taught how to be loving and kind to others. She only will show affection when it suits her and when she does not have anything better to do. It sounds like you have her pegged pretty well.
While it is true that courts do tend to favor women, I believe that you can bide your time, get your situation in order and document all of her behavior. While I normally do not condone secrecy in a marriage, you might want to consider seeing an attorney without her knowing so that you can get some advice on how to best extricate yourself from this marriage without the likelihood of losing your son. I really do wish you the best with this.
 

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You seem very open-minded to not judge her based on her history or to have a pity party about your life.

Sounds like she is spoiled and you are cramping her style. I don't see this getting better, honestly. (Sorry).

Keep a journal, write down everything you can remember and if you don't remember the date, write the month and year. This proved invaluable to me. Keep it on a USB drive on your keychain or somewhere private she'll never think to look. Email yourself a copy of it using a free email service like gmail.

Document her pot smoking. If you can actually get a photo of her doing it, especially with the son around/in the picture, even the background, that would be perfect.

I'm guessing whether or not she is socking money away or having an affair it really doesn't matter - secrets aren't OK. Hidden accounts aren't OK. Having one of her own is fine, but not hiding it.

Get the account # and bank of that secret account. You may need to subpoena the balance. You can actually call the bank - as her spouse, it's half yours. Write down or email yourself all account #s in the event you have to subpoena records.

Legal advice is important and if you are in the US, there are often resources for free or reduced/sliding scale legal fees. Council for Children's Rights is good (custody advocates & Guardian ad Litems) or a Family Law Center. You can contact your local United Way chapter to get a referral to a lot of resources.

I know her family's money isn't her own but Mom may be giving her an allowance and she may be putting it in that account. You *may* be able to show that she should pay legal fees for both of you if that account shows a steady income from that source.

She may be relieved and give you custody. Sounds like she doesn't really want to be a mother. But if she grew up in an affluent household she may worry about what others would think about her settling for visitation vs. custody.

Good luck.
 

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My wife ...has become bitter, angry , selfish and emotionally erratic.... she never matured ...nothing is ever her fault.
Saxton, the behaviors you describe -- the temper tantrums, emotional instability, always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control (e.g., daily pot smoking), pent-up anger that is easily triggered, selfishness, and lack of empathy -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). This does not mean, however, she "has BPD." Such strong traits can arise from drug abuse, not from BPD itself. An important issue, then, is whether her BPD traits are caused by pot smoking or, instead, the smoking is caused by BPD. (Another possibility is PPD but that seems very unlikely 3 years after the birth.) Significantly, only a professional can determine whether your W has full-blown BPD.
I've been so anxious and walking on eggshells.
Stop Walking on Eggshells is the name of the best-selling BPD book that is targeted to the abused spouses.
I went to see a psychatrist and he diagnosed me with GAD.
If you've been living with a BPDer for three years, consider yourself LUCKY that you only suffer from anxiety. It is common for the spouses of partners to get so overwhelmed and confused that they start to fear they are losing their minds. Indeed, of the several dozen disorders listed in the diagnostic manual, BPD is the one that is most notorious for making the partners and spouses feel like they are going crazy.
I dont know what to do....
If you were childless, I would urge you to walk away, focus only on healing yourself, and not look back. Yet, because you have a 3 year old that your W will be raising for 15 more years, and because BPD is believed to be created in early childhood, I urge you to find out what you and your son will be dealing with.

I therefore suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion based on your description of her behavior over the past six years. Because the skill sets vary greatly among psychologists and psychiatrists -- as is true in any profession -- it is prudent to do some research (or obtain a recommendation from a trusted doctor) before picking one.

While you are waiting for an appointment, I suggest you read my brief description of BPD traits to see if most of them sound very familiar. Of course, you will NOT be able to diagnose your W's issues. Spotting the red flags, however, is not difficult when you've been living with a person for three years. There is nothing subtle about red flags such as strong verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and lack of impulse control.

My post is in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources (e.g., there is an online forum called "Raising a Child when One Parent Has BPD"). Take care, Saxton.
 

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Omg. What an irresponsible, selfish woman/wife/mother!

That's why I always thought two people with different lifestyles never make it work.
 

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I doubt the pot caused her problems, if nothing else they may ease them.

You need to video her smoking and having an outburst.. get all the ammo you can against her. Hidden camera, the works... she may not want anything to do with your son but its better to be safe than sorry.

Keep your head up man, do the right thing. You dont want your son to grow up to have zero self esteem because of his hateful mother.
 

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You made a poor choice in marrying her (probably being deceived by a great person she can be when she wants it). Don't make another and allow your kid to grow up in all that. Start preparing and get a lawyer.
 

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I'm sorry you are going through this. My ex was the same way only he wasn't raised in a rich family. He became callous and mean and resentful after our daughter was born.
Does she smoke pot in front of your son?
Ske sounds like she is deep into pot addiction. They get to a point where anything or anyone who interferes with their high is the enemy. They are miserable sober. My ex would say rude things and complain when he had to spend half an hour alone with our daughter. I think it was because he couldn't smoke. He expected his life to stay the same and I was supposed to do all the work.
You might qualify for legal aid, I would look into it if I were you.
In most places a controlled mental illness isn't a factor in child custody. Drug abuse is, but you have been condoning it. I was going to try to use that against my ex but found out it would have made me look bad too because I was complicit.
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You made a poor choice in marrying her (probably being deceived by a great person she can be when she wants it). Don't make another and allow your kid to grow up in all that. Start preparing and get a lawyer.
:iagree:
Get a lawyer without her knowing and follow the lawyers instructions.

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