Talk About Marriage banner
221 - 240 of 300 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
131 Posts
Everything was deleted already. She deleted them daily. Would you say that if she did pass a polygraph and I confirm she is now telling the truth about physical activity it is a step in the right direction?
No, because I can beat a polygraph and all I need is a thumb tack in my shoe under my big too, every time I get asked a question, I press down on the tack when I answer. It will appear I am telling the truth.

Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,833 Posts
Also learned this guy was a predator. His wife said he has cheated on her numerous times. He definitely knew how to manipulate. My wife is shy , weak, quiet. Something came around that complimented her etc.. this is not her which is why it was such a shock to me and what I feel is worth working on.
Well I held off posting in this thread because frankly I get tired of these kinds of stories. But this quote I just couldn't let go.

Your poor wife, she had a faithful husband who worked long hours to provide for her and her 3 children. Only she was shy, and along came this big bad wolf who tricked her into sexting with him. I mean how could she possibly control herself, If only she had known better. (that is sarcasm for effect if you didn't figure it out.) Besides it was someone else who sent those sexy pictures and she was just powerless when he told her how hot she was.

Dude it's one thing to take her back but if you have to gaslight yourself to stay married you are in for a very hard time. Better to start from a foundation of truth, because the truth isn't so ridiculous that you have to tie yourself in knots to believe it. Here is the truth she knew exactly what she was doing and she did it because she wanted to and liked it. She wasn't tricked, she didn't have an out of body experience. She purposely lied for months and hid a sexual relationship because it was fun and she enjoyed it, and felt entitled to it.

You can be pissed at me for writing it, but that is much more truthful then what you wrote. Your story will keep you suffering forever because it makes no sense. So you will have the internal doubt of your rational mind warning you that it's BS which will prolong your doubt. The true story will be painful but at least you start with a foundation to heal from.

Read these boards, guys who angelize or infantilize their wives get cheated on all the time. You read it over and over. That is because the wife's pick those guys because they know their husbands are good marks. The wives know their husbands willfully refuse to see them for who they really are, their affair partners know them better.

In this case your wife is exactly the same as this guy and actively participated in everything. She had a husband and kids in the next room. Which means she is just as much a predator, it's just her family is the victim.

One day you are going to get this, hopefully it won't be 10 years from now when you are still suffering.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
68 Posts
No, because I can beat a polygraph and all I need is a thumb tack in my shoe under my big too, every time I get asked a question, I press down on the tack when I answer. It will appear I am telling the truth.

Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk
Absolute BS. You have obviously never been hooked up to a polygraph. Any examiner would shut down any type of knuckleheaded nonsense like this. I have taken two polygraph exams in my life (both work related) so I do have some experience here. It takes several seconds after a question is asked before the galvanic skin responses kick in. Since the questions are yes/no questions the expectation is you immediately answer the question as the examiner monitors your reaction. Any delays or graph readings that are really out of line with the readings in the baseline established at the beginning of the exam will be construed as you trying to game the exam. The polygraph examiner will stop the exam and explain that you are trying to beat the exam. At that point, you might as well confess because everyone knows you are a liar. The thumbtack thing is one of the oldest and most ridiculous old wive’s tales out there. If polygraphs were junk science they would not be still be in use by intelligence agencies around the world.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,645 Posts
Here is the truth she knew exactly what she was doing and she did it because she wanted to and liked it.
It never fails to amaze me when someone will claim they are shy, introverted, low self-esteem or body issues have ZERO problem snapping pics of their privates and sending them via the internet to people they hardly know. Who do they think they are kidding? It absolutely defies logic.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,908 Posts
OP wants to believe that his wife was manipulated but we repeatedly see on these boards that the shy wife with body image issues is somehow able to video herself masturbating for her OM, sneaking off from husband or even kids to snap a quick vag or boob pic because her OM asked for them.

There’s usually also a vindictive streak in such cases. Obeying their OM to the point of completely disrespecting their whole family. It all adds to the excitement and we see that they will mourn the loss of OM for many months, sometimes even years.

So if somehow the poli results are true that they didn’t actually have sex, her heart may still be with the OM. There are 2 threads on SI of WWs in long marriages with kids that supposedly had EA that included virtual sex that the wife’s heart and mind are still with the OM. So please do not let your guard down because the poli says she was truthful about the sex question.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,833 Posts
It never fails to amaze me when someone will claim they are shy, introverted, low self-esteem or body issues have ZERO problem snapping pics of their privates and sending them via the internet to people they hardly know. Who do they think they are kidding? It absolutely defies logic.
I think it's more like she hides her true nature from her husband because it is conflicted. Sometimes it's what's called the Madonna ***** complex. It's not that they are shy, it's that they are shy with their husband.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
778 Posts
Well I held off posting in this thread because frankly I get tired of these kinds of stories. But this quote I just couldn't let go.

Your poor wife, she had a faithful husband who worked long hours to provide for her and her 3 children. Only she was shy, and along came this big bad wolf who tricked her into sexting with him. I mean how could she possibly control herself, If only she had known better. (that is sarcasm for effect if you didn't figure it out.) Besides it was someone else who sent those sexy pictures and she was just powerless when he told her how hot she was.

Dude it's one thing to take her back but if you have to gaslight yourself to stay married you are in for a very hard time. Better to start from a foundation of truth, because the truth isn't so ridiculous that you have to tie yourself in knots to believe it. Here is the truth she knew exactly what she was doing and she did it because she wanted to and liked it. She wasn't tricked, she didn't have an out of body experience. She purposely lied for months and hid a sexual relationship because it was fun and she enjoyed it, and felt entitled to it.

You can be pissed at me for writing it, but that is much more truthful then what you wrote. Your story will keep you suffering forever because it makes no sense. So you will have the internal doubt of your rational mind warning you that it's BS which will prolong your doubt. The true story will be painful but at least you start with a foundation to heal from.

Read these boards, guys who angelize or infantilize their wives get cheated on all the time. You read it over and over. That is because the wife's pick those guys because they know their husbands are good marks. The wives know their husbands willfully refuse to see them for who they really are, their affair partners know them better.

In this case your wife is exactly the same as this guy and actively participated in everything. She had a husband and kids in the next room. Which means she is just as much a predator, it's just her family is the victim.

One day you are going to get this, hopefully it won't be 10 years from now when you are still suffering.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
367 Posts
So Killed Me nailed it and I too have refrained from posting something similar. The problem with the "he was a predator" narrative is it unintentionally flips the script with the co-conspirator (WS) going from villain to victim. She wasn't a victim. She minimally co-conspired and could possibly even initiated or led the assault on your soul.

This narrative greatly distorts the path and actions your wife must take in order remedy her wrongs. One could simply say, don't talk to men because one might be a predator. Well, what does a predator look like? John Doe with glasses who works alongside your wife in accounting? The problem isn't the predator or even non-predators. It's the WS's inability to completely remove ANY POSSIBILITY of emotional connectivity with any John Doe of the world because that's who the so-called predators are. Regular Jim's and Joe's of the worldl. .

I was cheated on twice. To this day I don't know who the men were. Who, why, where, when etc. was of no consequence to me because they were "NOTHING" to me before the affair and I decided they would remain NOTHING to me afterwards. The ONLY reason their existence had any relativity in my world is because my fiancés granted them entry into it. They did not break in. She OPENED THE DOOR AND ALLOWED THEM IN. Huge difference.

As a man, I concede some and perhaps many of us are opportunist. Some may be real predators as the OP conveniently calls them. I believe many, if not most are scavengers which as we all know don't kill, but eat what's already killed. I believe many women are scavenged by vultures, which means they are consumed by the opportunists.

AP's are vultures and just through regular flight, will find a carcass to consume (wayward wife) and take what's there to be had. If the vulture doesn't eat it, some other animal will. Herein lies the key. If it wasn't this man, it would have been some other man. The ONLY constant in this infidelity formula is the ability or inability of the spouse's committed nature to the marriage and vows. NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.

Yes, AP's have an ethical obligation to honor his family and your family as well, but lust and sex has compromised ethics and morals from day one and will continue to the end of time. Plus, who are we to assume the John Doe's of the world have ANY morals to begin with.

To deny this one must live in an alternative world, of which this one is most certainly not. This world is a real one that we all live in and it inhabits people who will take what's given to them and often steal if possible. The only factor to ensure vows remain unbreakable are our spouses. Predators and vultures are going to do what they're going to do. The vows and committed nature of two people are the only line of defense to protect those that believe and live by principles and vows.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
30 Posts
Discussion Starter · #230 ·
So Killed Me nailed it and I too have refrained from posting something similar. The problem with the "he was a predator" narrative is it unintentionally flips the script with the co-conspirator (WS) going from villain to victim. She wasn't a victim. She minimally co-conspired and could possibly even initiated or led the assault on your soul.

This narrative greatly distorts the path and actions your wife must take in order remedy her wrongs. One could simply say, don't talk to men because one might be a predator. Well, what does a predator look like? John Doe with glasses who works alongside your wife in accounting? The problem isn't the predator or even non-predators. It's the WS's inability to completely remove ANY POSSIBILITY of emotional connectivity with any John Doe of the world because that's who the so-called predators are. Regular Jim's and Joe's of the worldl. .

I was cheated on twice. To this day I don't know who the men were. Who, why, where, when etc. was of no consequence to me because they were "NOTHING" to me before the affair and I decided they would remain NOTHING to me afterwards. The ONLY reason their existence had any relativity in my world is because my fiancés granted them entry into it. They did not break in. She OPENED THE DOOR AND ALLOWED THEM IN. Huge difference.

As a man, I concede some and perhaps many of us are opportunist. Some may be real predators as the OP conveniently calls them. I believe many, if not most are scavengers which as we all know don't kill, but eat what's already killed. I believe many women are scavenged by vultures, which means they are consumed by the opportunists.

AP's are vultures and just through regular flight, will find a carcass to consume (wayward wife) and take what's there to be had. If the vulture doesn't eat it, some other animal will. Herein lies the key. If it wasn't this man, it would have been some other man. The ONLY constant in this infidelity formula is the ability or inability of the spouse's committed nature to the marriage and vows. NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.

Yes, AP's have an ethical obligation to honor his family and your family as well, but lust and sex has compromised ethics and morals from day one and will continue to the end of time. Plus, who are we to assume the John Doe's of the world have ANY morals to begin with.

To deny this one must live in an alternative world, of which this one is most certainly not. This world is a real one that we all live in and it inhabits people who will take what's given to them and often steal if possible. The only factor to ensure vows remain unbreakable are our spouses. Predators and vultures are going to do what they're going to do. The vows and committed nature of two people are the only line of defense to protect those that believe and live by principles and vows.
When I say other guy was a predator I say it not as an excuse for the Indidelity but it was a compensating factor. Yes if it was not him it may have been another man that came along.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
367 Posts
When I say other guy was a predator I say it not as an excuse for the Indidelity but it was a compensating factor. Yes if it was not him it may have been another man that came along.
Not to thread jack mtg but your thread and sokillme's post just torched what was already smoldering. You may or may not fit into this category. If you do, acknowledge and take heed. If you don't, so be it.

Thoughts to consider. Notwithstanding kidnapping or some bizarre crime, if it's not rape, it's consensual. If it's consensual it's consensual. Perhaps I should have started a post on this but I just want to shed some light on the "predator" narrative which is often misused by betrayed spouses and goes lightly challenged to often not challenged at all.

No blame or finger pointing should take place accept for the WS whose finger should be pointed 100% directly at themselves. Not 75% them and 25% other man. The other man has nothing nothing to do with your wife or any other wife granting entry into their mind and body. ZERO. Anger, grudge, thoughts, etc., much less blame going to the other man is misdirected.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,833 Posts
When I say other guy was a predator I say it not as an excuse for the Indidelity but it was a compensating factor. Yes if it was not him it may have been another man that came along.
I think for many BS it's easier to see it like something their WS mistakenly did or didn't truly choose to do but was coerced or tricked into. Like if not for the AP it wouldn't have happened, because it's much easier for both the BS and WS to handle emotionally, then to see it as something their WS wanted to do, and even actively sought out.

Here is the thing with that, even if it is true the very first time, which is laughable on it's face (like she didn't know right from wrong) but just for argument's sake I will concede that. She still continually went back to him, even knowing what it would do to you and the marriage. This was a series of choices she made over and over, for a long period of time. You can't say that she didn't know what this would do to your marriage or to you unless your wife is so stupid she shouldn't be married. Of course she knew.

You ARE right it could have been any guy so the guy being a predator is immaterial. This is actually something that lots of BS get wrong when they focus so strongly on the AP. In this new post you seem to be hedging here so maybe my post opened your eyes a little bit. Still that is not enough though, because that still makes the focus of what happened about a guy or the circumstance, and not what it really needs to be. The affair is a problem in your wife's nature. This circumstance focus is a pull for both of you because then neither one of you will have to deal with the very painful issue of who she is internally, and where your true challenge lies. DO NOT let any counselor make the focus be the external situation which some of them are want to do. It's easier and much less painful, it's a good way to put a quick bow on this and have a happy customer, but it won't fix it in the long run. It will also leave you with nagging doubts because you will know even subconsciously that it's bull*. I will also continue to leave you vulnerable to her cheating. There are no perfect storms that lead to cheating, just internal ones inside the cheaters themselves.

So in this way it also can't be problems in your marriage, even if there were problems in your marriage. Infidelity is not a problem of circumstance, or marriage but a very dysfunctional way for a WS to solve a problem. Usually the problem is internal, but even if it is external the issue is THE WAY they chose to solve the problem as much as it is that problem. This is one of the reasons it's such a bed idea to go into marriage counseling right away.

Most of the time, the problems in the marriage are as much a part of the dysfunctional thinking of someone whose MO it was to cheat to fix their unhappiness. These people are just not reliable narrators of their life, the cheating shows as much, it shows their poor decision making. Their reactionary decision making about perceptions that are often skewed is a problem way before they cheat. So that needs to be fixed first. Even still you can't build a broken marriage without good faith. That takes time and consistent effort by the WS first. Part of that effort is for the WS to figure out why they did what they they did, and why they feel the way they do. Only then do you have a solid foundation. But this is the foundation for you to choose if you want to R. At least a that point you have an idea of what you are choosing. It's just way too soon to decide in the beginning and you are still in a state of trauma anyway. R is a gift that should be earned and not given lightly, for your own protection if nothing else.

Your wife's remorse and contrition should really only be a requirement for you to decided to R, but not a reason to. If you don't have that, then you shouldn't even consider it, but just because you do doesn't mean you should either. And it is way too soon to know, again your wife isn't an honest narrator of even her own story right now. You must make your decision on what the quality of life you will have moving forward. I have been reading these stories for a long time, trying to help people. It is clear to me that even the best R stories seem to be marriages that are very hard. The ones where they seem very happy that they overcame and stayed together are still hyper focused on the infidelity years later because the problems that come from that persist. So many BS think they are working to get back to where they were before they discovered the affair, and so many of them end up disappointed because they eventually find out that the marriage they had before is dead, it's a new marriage now, with someone who cheated on them.

Both my posts are somber and I am sorry for that, but there is no way you are going to truly recover if you make excuses for her that just are not true. And someone needs to honestly tell you what you are signing up for even if you don't believe it yet.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
42 Posts
sokillme is so right -- it's not the AP, it's the choices made by the WS.


ETA -- there are a few cases where there is a significant power imbalance, such as teacher and student, boss and subordinate, or doctor and patient, where blame could be potentially be assigned (at least in part) to the more powerful AP. But mostly it's the WS sliding down a slippery slope through a series of incremental choices of their own volition.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
131 Posts
Absolute BS. You have obviously never been hooked up to a polygraph. Any examiner would shut down any type of knuckleheaded nonsense like this. I have taken two polygraph exams in my life (both work related) so I do have some experience here. It takes several seconds after a question is asked before the galvanic skin responses kick in. Since the questions are yes/no questions the expectation is you immediately answer the question as the examiner monitors your reaction. Any delays or graph readings that are really out of line with the readings in the baseline established at the beginning of the exam will be construed as you trying to game the exam. The polygraph examiner will stop the exam and explain that you are trying to beat the exam. At that point, you might as well confess because everyone knows you are a liar. The thumbtack thing is one of the oldest and most ridiculous old wive’s tales out there. If polygraphs were junk science they would not be still be in use by intelligence agencies around the world.
Think what you want Charlie Brown, I could care less

Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
581 Posts
When I say other guy was a predator I say it not as an excuse for the Indidelity but it was a compensating factor. Yes if it was not him it may have been another man that came along.
I'm a little reluctant to suggest this because it somewhat blames human nature/hormones even though we have freewill and to ability to make choices. That said, I suggest you read The Married Man Sex Life Primer. It has some interesting insight about the biology of sex, and cheating. Plus it may teach you some things about how to keep your spouse sexually satisfied so they won't have any desire to cheat.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
143 Posts
My ****ty ex wife told me she didn’t wAnt to sext me instead of the loser married guys she was having fun with—- because she thought I’d think badly of her. Lol.
yeah. I think badly of her now.

I will never be with another woman that likes sexting.
The problem, at least in my thought, not (most of) sexual practices in themselves but with whom.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
131 Posts
I am just surprised at how OP has down played it all to help him cope with his wife's infidelity.

But I also remember them days of lying to myself about my ex wife so I am not judging. Only thought is I down played it as well because I was not the good guy either. I had more than my fair share of cheating on her but later in the marriage, I gave that part of me up and started playing by the rules. In a way I felt I deserved it for the countless times I had sex with a lot of other women and tried to make things work.

So I must ask if the OP has any guilt he is dealing with on his end is why he is down playing it.

Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
30 Posts
Discussion Starter · #240 ·
I am just surprised at how OP has down played it all to help him cope with his wife's infidelity.

But I also remember them days of lying to myself about my ex wife so I am not judging. Only thought is I down played it as well because I was not the good guy either. I had more than my fair share of cheating on her but later in the marriage, I gave that part of me up and started playing by the rules. In a way I felt I deserved it for the countless times I had sex with a lot of other women and tried to make things work.

So I must ask if the OP has any guilt he is dealing with on his end is why he is down playing it.

Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk
Not down playing it. I am overly angry, upset, embarrassed, concerned, etc. I am however trying to make it work. My guilt is only for being an absent husband which still is not an excuse for her behavior. I have never cheated. I am searching every resource possible to learn to cope and maybe one day forgive. If in time this still doesn't sit well with me I know what my options are.
 
221 - 240 of 300 Posts
Top