Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 100 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hi, this is my first post! I think like most people I came here only after something went south in their relationship and are looking for advice or at least a place to vent.

Here's some back story (kinda long, sorry):

Though not legally married, I call my SO my wife. We've been together for 8 years. When we first met we both were friends with our ex's (1 for me, 2 ex's and a friend with benefits for her.) Over the course of the next ~1.5 years things got out of hand from her side. I'll also say that all 3 of her's lived out of state, so anything that happened with them was over social media.

I'll spare details of which ex said what, but there were repeated situations of them talking sexually, running off together and getting married, still being infactuated with her, etc... All this time she reciprocated some things and most of the time didn't respond to it. I took it as them being disrespectfull of her, me, and our relationship and we had many many arguments about it and came close to breaking up on several occasions. I was also offended that she never told them to stop or that it was innapropriate.

Then, she got pregnant. This stuff was still going on and under impending parenthood I made the decision to step in because I didn't want the stress of this along with being a new parent. They weren't going to stop and she wasn't going to stop them. So, seeing as they all are out of state I use social media to send them a message saying to f*** off. And they all do. Ex #3 is surprisingly understanding about it. She agree's with it that it's the best course of action too.

Fast forward 6 years and we now have a home, 3 children, and all that good stuff. Things are great with us. A few months ago Ex#3 requests her on facebook (i found this out after the fact) and she declines. Then about a month ago she starts messaging him and they are friends again. I find this out on social media (the bane of my existance!!). She refers to him as an "old flame" and good it is to have him back in her life. She almost immediately gives him her phone number and they have an hour long phone call and are texting semi regularly.

I'm angry about it and confront her the next day. She says that she thought we were in such a good place with our relationship that I wouldn't mind. SHe's always regarded him as a good friend (before they dated), and she's always regretted not being able to talk to him. Also, after the years of parenthood she feels she's lost some of her identity and feels like she doesn't have friends that she can talk to on a deeper level. In an attempt to recover that, she says on of the things she wanted to be friends with him again. I tell her that my feelings havent changed and I don't agree with it at all.

But she won't end it and out of respect (and a request) for her, I haven't told him(again) to get lost. I feel angry, depressed, betrayed, lied to. It has caused significant strife between us for the last month and it just sucks. It feels emasculating that she chooses a relationship with her ex over the happiness of our relationship. Given that, I'm ashamed to talk to anyone about it.

She tells me that it's completly platonic. That she's grown to be able to handle herself if he were to become innapropriate, and she insists the same about him....that there's nothing there on both ends. I mostly belive that she won't get innapropriate. I don't trust him. In the past He wanted to fly her out and get married. He said that "they" didn't end in their hometown. I've got burned pretty bad in the past with these guys so I'm untrusting. If he were to become innapropriate, I don't know that I'd trust her to give him the boot since she values him so much as a friend.

I guess I'm sort of going along with it and I ask lots of questions ( what they text about, if there are phone calls, etc) I also am very open about my feelings about it and I don't feel like she really cares. This thing is tearing me up and she doesn't stop. It's like every days it goes on, she's spitting in my face.

So we're just at a standstill, neither of us wanting to compromise. It makes for crappy days. I go from angry to depressed to remorsful to ok almost constantly. This has affected how I treat her at times, my stress has gone through the roof (i was already stressed from work and school), and it's afffected work performance and how I act at home too.

So what do you guys think? I'll fill in any blanks that might help with advice. Sorry this was so long, but like I said, I have no one to vent to so this is the first time it's getting out. THanks everyone!
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,130 Posts
Let me tell you what happened when I was in your situation. Long Story Short: My wife’s sister made friends on Facebook with an ex-boyfriend of my wife’s from HS days. He asked my SIL to give him my wife’s e-mail address so they can catch-up and my (stupid) SIL connected them. Well, I discovered the e-mails between my wife and her ex and I thought my head was going to explode. While the e-mails were fairly benign, it was clear to me that this guy was fishing. And to top it off this guy lived fairly close to us and suggested that they get together one day to talk about “old times”. Well the first thing I did was I copied the e-mails for myself and then I deleted them from her e-mail box. Then I deleted his email address from her address book and I put a block on his mail address so no e-mails could get in from him or out to him. I sent him an e-mail from my mail account and said that if he tried to contact my wife again, I would be having a conversation with his wife. I blocked Facebook at the router (no access to Facebook for anyone in the house) and then I waited for my wife to say something. When she did, I told her I found the e-mails, which as I said were benign, and I said that I didn't like her being in contact with an ex-boyfriend without my knowing about it. After a very heated discussion I told her if she wants to have a relationship of any kind, no matter how innocent, with her old HS boyfriend, she has to leave the marriage; I had no plans to make it easy for another guy to hit on her. I also told her that when the kids ask me why they can't access Facebook, I will tell them it's because their mother is talking to other men on line. After a week, she agreed not to contact him again.

Needless to say this changed our relationship a bit. This is a woman that I love with all my heart; the only woman for me since I was 21. I was really having second thoughts on how I handled the situation (and I did make mistakes, the story is much longer than above) so I sought advice from TAM. After getting 20 pages of responses and reading the boards for a month, there was no doubt in my mind that I did the right thing, mistakes and all. Yes, the relationship took some damage because I was a bull in a china shop, but it was worth it, given that I may have prevented myself from being played for a fool. The main thing I learned from TAM was there is no room for EX's in a marriage. A marriage is between two people, not three and I'm willing to bet that if I didn’t react, my wife could have been, at the very least in an emotional affair, if not banging this guy at some point.

You can take away what you want from my experience, but I think that you are putting your relationship at great risk if you allow this to continue one more day. You just have to say, him or me; choose. If she chooses him, then tell her to get the f*ck out.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,492 Posts
If you don't shut this down, it is going to get much, much worse.
You have to let her know that this is unacceptable. Opposite sex "friends" are dangerous enough, but exes of any kind are absolute poison. If they have had sex in the past, it takes very little to start up again.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,266 Posts
htmintruder,

You and your wife both need to read a book by the late Dr. Shirley Glass called "Not Just Friends."

You can get it off of Amazon if it's not at your public library (there's a Kindle version, too).

Your wife is basically one step away from an affair. You'll have to nuke it at the source to shake up her world. Middleman's post was an excellent illustration of how to do it right the first time.

Your wife may throw a tantrum, but she can always divorce if she wants to live like a single woman again.

ETA: You don't have to be a giant d1ckead with your wife, but you must be firm and absolute in your resolve. Do not yell at her or incite arguments. Just be calm, blunt, and like a rock. If she doesn't respect your boundaries, you'll at least know where you stand.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
885 Posts
Facebook is usually referred to as Fvckbook. It should stop yesterday or there's a huge chance she'll be sucked into the spinning vortex.

Shut it down!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,574 Posts
Additional info to start please.

Why you have nevered married?
You and her's rough ages.
How long old is your youngest?
Do you both work?
Living in fear and uncertainty is not living. That said is this really about her or your need to control?
How revealing is your choice of user name, intimidator?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,563 Posts
Right now, the texts/conversations/e-mails may very well be totally innocent, but they may soon morph into:

Their lives since they parted
Their relationships since they parted
Their families
Their spouses
You
How you're a great husband
How you're an excellent father
How you're a wonderful guy
Your job
How your job keeps you busy
How your job keeps you away
How she sometimes feels lonely when you're away
How she sometimes feels a little overburdened at home
How she sometimes feels a little taken for granted
How she feels you don't ALWAYS listen to her
How she feels you don't ALWAYS understand her
How sometimes she feels like you're "not there" for her
How... okay, you're not ALWAYS such a wonderful guy
How she loved hearing from him
How she loves talking to him again
How she looks forward to his texts/calls/e-mails now
How she feels young again
How she feels attractive again
How she feels appreciated again
How it's been so, so long since you made her feel that way
How her eyes have now been opened
How she now realizes what she truly wants and needs
How she now realizes that you can't give her that
How she now realizes that she "settled" for you
How insensitive you can be sometimes
How you can be a real jerk sometimes
How she wonders if they would have stayed together
How she now realizes that she never really loved you
How she now realizes that she really loved him all along
How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you
How you're the biggest a**hole she's ever known
How you're standing in the way of her true happiness
How you ruined her life
How she made a big mistake moving in with you
How she made an even bigger mistake letting him go
How they were really meant to be together
How she desperately has to get away from you
How she's definitely going to leave you
How she's already talking to lawyers
How they're going to live happily ever after...

...get the picture?

It doesn't always end this way, but sure as hell always STARTS this way!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,891 Posts
how about inviting her on her and let her say her side of the issue, we will be glad to keep an open mind about it?
also if she plans on continuing this, then she must agree to complete transparency...this mean
1. access to all emails between them - password and all
2. access to messages and absolutely NO deleting them
3. Access to phone calls if need be

after all if there is nothing to hide then every thing is up to listening or reading...the moment she goes into secret mode is the moment that everything is shut down.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
8,279 Posts
Additional info to start please.

Why you have nevered married?
You and her's rough ages.
How long old is your youngest?
Do you both work?
Living in fear and uncertainty is not living. That said is this really about her or your need to control?
How revealing is your choice of user name, intimidator?
I too would like to know why you're not married. Please don't say it's not important because you call her your wife so clearly it is. Unless this is an explicit agreement you've made many women will start to get resentful about this.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
11,880 Posts
Right now, the texts/conversations/e-mails may very well be totally innocent, but they may soon morph into:

Their lives since they parted
Their relationships since they parted
Their families
Their spouses
You
How you're a great husband
How you're an excellent father
How you're a wonderful guy
Your job
How your job keeps you busy
How your job keeps you away
How she sometimes feels lonely when you're away
How she sometimes feels a little overburdened at home
How she sometimes feels a little taken for granted
How she feels you don't ALWAYS listen to her
How she feels you don't ALWAYS understand her
How sometimes she feels like you're "not there" for her
How... okay, you're not ALWAYS such a wonderful guy
How she loved hearing from him
How she loves talking to him again
How she looks forward to his texts/calls/e-mails now
How she feels young again
How she feels attractive again
How she feels appreciated again
How it's been so, so long since you made her feel that way
How her eyes have now been opened
How she now realizes what she truly wants and needs
How she now realizes that you can't give her that
How she now realizes that she "settled" for you
How insensitive you can be sometimes
How you can be a real jerk sometimes
How she wonders if they would have stayed together
How she now realizes that she never really loved you
How she now realizes that she really loved him all along
How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you
How you're the biggest a**hole she's ever known
How you're standing in the way of her true happiness
How you ruined her life
How she made a big mistake moving in with you
How she made an even bigger mistake letting him go
How they were really meant to be together
How she desperately has to get away from you
How she's definitely going to leave you
How she's already talking to lawyers
How they're going to live happily ever after...

...get the picture?

It doesn't always end this way, but sure as hell always STARTS this way!
Love this post.
 
  • Like
Reactions: VeryHurt and JohnA

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,130 Posts
how about inviting her on her and let her say her side of the issue, we will be glad to keep an open mind about it?


I wouldn't recommend this. TAM needs to be his place.



also if she plans on continuing this, then she must agree to complete transparency...this mean

1. access to all emails between them - password and all

2. access to messages and absolutely NO deleting them

3. Access to phone calls if need be



after all if there is nothing to hide then every thing is up to listening or reading...the moment she goes into secret mode is the moment that everything is shut down.


This at a minimum, but it really needs to be shut down now. There is no place in their relationship for this EX.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
188 Posts
Absolutely shut this down now. This will end bad if it is not completely stopped. Make sure she understands that from your standpoint it's non-negotiable. You are the man and you have to protect your family. After what I have been through I wouldn't hesitate to start divorcing a woman for this kind of reckless behavior.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
Additional info to start please.

Why you have nevered married?
You and her's rough ages.
How long old is your youngest?
Do you both work?
Living in fear and uncertainty is not living. That said is this really about her or your need to control?
How revealing is your choice of user name, intimidator?

Never married initially because of my trust issues with her. When I was over it, I gave her a ring as a promise that one day we would. The reason for the delay now is purely financial (can't afford to add her to all my benefits, lame I know.)

She's 28, I'm 31. OUr youngest is 2. I'm currently the only one working while she's home with the kids. SHe also goes to school.

I'll admit that a part of this is about me feeling like I lost the control I took when I told the ex's to scram. It's also about her in the sense that I absolutely love her and this is hurting us.

My name is not "intimidator" but hmtintruder. It's a silly name from a song which I've abbreviated in places.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
Right now, the texts/conversations/e-mails may very well be totally innocent, but they may soon morph into:

Their lives since they parted
Their relationships since they parted
Their families
Their spouses
You
How you're a great husband
How you're an excellent father
How you're a wonderful guy
Your job
How your job keeps you busy
How your job keeps you away
How she sometimes feels lonely when you're away
How she sometimes feels a little overburdened at home
How she sometimes feels a little taken for granted
How she feels you don't ALWAYS listen to her
How she feels you don't ALWAYS understand her
How sometimes she feels like you're "not there" for her
How... okay, you're not ALWAYS such a wonderful guy
How she loved hearing from him
How she loves talking to him again
How she looks forward to his texts/calls/e-mails now
How she feels young again
How she feels attractive again
How she feels appreciated again
How it's been so, so long since you made her feel that way
How her eyes have now been opened
How she now realizes what she truly wants and needs
How she now realizes that you can't give her that
How she now realizes that she "settled" for you
How insensitive you can be sometimes
How you can be a real jerk sometimes
How she wonders if they would have stayed together
How she now realizes that she never really loved you
How she now realizes that she really loved him all along
How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you
How you're the biggest a**hole she's ever known
How you're standing in the way of her true happiness
How you ruined her life
How she made a big mistake moving in with you
How she made an even bigger mistake letting him go
How they were really meant to be together
How she desperately has to get away from you
How she's definitely going to leave you
How she's already talking to lawyers
How they're going to live happily ever after...

...get the picture?

It doesn't always end this way, but sure as hell always STARTS this way!
Right now it's in the first 5 lines. She gets angry with me when I give her all these hypotheticals (further down your list) because she knows it's not going to go there, at least on her part. I've told her though that with time they might get more confortable with each other, or there will be a time when one or the other will be facing problems in their respective relationships and possibly turn to each other. SHe insists that she'll never allow it to get to that point and she'll shut it down and end the friendship if he tries. I don't know how much I believe that since she regards him as "such a good friend.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
how about inviting her on her and let her say her side of the issue, we will be glad to keep an open mind about it?
also if she plans on continuing this, then she must agree to complete transparency...this mean
1. access to all emails between them - password and all
2. access to messages and absolutely NO deleting them
3. Access to phone calls if need be

after all if there is nothing to hide then every thing is up to listening or reading...the moment she goes into secret mode is the moment that everything is shut down.
As of now they are only texting. I asked about the initial phone call and she gave me a basic overview of it (catching up, families, current relationships - he's in one I might add, don't know how she feels about it) I ask about the txts and she pretty much reads them verbaitim to me and so far it's innocent as they mostly talk about music.

SHe hasn't told him anything about how this has caused us so much trouble this past month. She gives the reason that she doesn't want to talk about our relationship with him and she never will. I kind of feel that I should since he's the source of it....with the hope that he'd remove himself.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
Absolutely shut this down now. This will end bad if it is not completely stopped. Make sure she understands that from your standpoint it's non-negotiable. You are the man and you have to protect your family. After what I have been through I wouldn't hesitate to start divorcing a woman for this kind of reckless behavior.
When I initally confronted her about this I was exploding with anger and I told her on 2 seperate occasions that she was basically choosing his friendship over our relationship and that she should just leave. I was pretty much blind with rage so she didn't take it to heart. She's very confident that it's not going to get out of control which is why we're at a standstill. I was pretty insistant on speaking with him but she has asked me not to because it's between us and she doesn't want to talk relationships with him. I think she knows that he'll just remove himself. ANyway, I've respected that request so far, but it does eat me up everyday.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
If you don't shut this down, it is going to get much, much worse.
You have to let her know that this is unacceptable. Opposite sex "friends" are dangerous enough, but exes of any kind are absolute poison. If they have had sex in the past, it takes very little to start up again.
I've told her that realistically she could cheat on me (physically or emotionally) with anyone in the world. BUT, with an ex there is already an established past and it would be just that much easier to rekindle ( even if they did end badly)

I've told her that I could easily become friends with my ex, but I don't out of respect for us. SHe says that that's just my situation and that she would be OK if I ever did. I want to out of spite, but that's not me.

I do think we should follow the naked rule though....if you've been naked together in the past you've no business in her life now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
177 Posts
So, not only is she forcing a standstill on this issue, she is also controlling your response to it.

End this now or start looking for a divorce lawyer.

There is quite literally no third option.

EDIT:
On a few occasions, very few in fact, people catch wind of a red flag before it fully develops.

What tends to happen is a modicum of rationalization in which the two partners pretend as though the red flag can be managed.

It never can be.

If your wife is not willing to abandon a relationship which makes you this uncomfortable she is literally telling you, to your face, that her re-kindled relationship with this man is more important than her current relationship with you.

I guess these things are easier to see from the outside than from within, but this is pretty straight forward.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
Discussion Starter #19 (Edited)
So, not only is she forcing a standstill on this issue, she is also controlling your response to it.

*she isn't controlling it per se, I'm trying to be respecful of her wish. In one of our discussions I told her if it continued I'd need transparency. Thus, she informs me texts or if a phone call is made. She'd never meet up with him (2 states away where her family lives) unless I was there. I told her that I still opposed it though and I would still be angry about it. She's said that she wants all of us to be this cohesive unit, where we could all be on some sort of friendly terms. I told her f*** that. I can always contact him whenever I wish and actually already have something written up.

End this now or start looking for a divorce lawyer.

There is quite literally no third option.

EDIT:
On a few occasions, very few in fact, people catch wind of a red flag before it fully develops.

What tends to happen is a modicum of rationalization in which the two partners pretend as though the red flag can be managed.

It never can be.

If your wife is not willing to abandon a relationship which makes you this uncomfortable she is literally telling you, to your face, that her re-kindled relationship with this man is more important than her current relationship with you.

*I've told her this. That it feels like everyday it continues is another day she basically spits in my face.

I guess these things are easier to see from the outside than from within, but this is pretty straight forward.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,214 Posts
I am not quite sure that anything else needs to be said. You have the option of ultimatum and that is the only thing that will work or you can go on for the rest of your relationship being PO'd until they decide they were really meant for one another. Good job then you can be PO'd and feel stupid for not following through.

All they do is talk about music.......................riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
 
1 - 20 of 100 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top