[Norba_racer]

Hello all,

This is my first post and have been going through this hell for about two months, but it has gotten real bad the last month. We have been married for 11 years and together for 19 with two girls 8 and 6. She turns 40 this month and has blamed me for all her misery. She has started avoiding our kids too. She said it is just a phase with the kids, but not sure about us (lmbnilwm). She has stayed out all night several times in the last two weeks and I have found 550 text between her and our 24 yr old tennis instructor. Some of the text have been at 1, 2, and 3 am. She says he is only a friend and nothing has ever happened other than mild flirting. I don't have proof, but she has shown all the signs of cheating (lost wt, new undies, new younger clothes, shaved). She is a very attactive woman so I can see the tennis guy being attracted to her even though she is 16 years older. He has also been texting her tennis girlfriends too (all in their 40s), but I don't know if it is the same volume of text. Very weird to me.
I confronted him at the courts and he denied that they fooled around or anything. After that he has not contacted her except breifly about tennis (according to her). He even cancelled their last lesson.
More background: she starting being distant just before Xmas last year 2012. Staying out shopping late, any chance to leave she would. Jan 8th she said she needed space and started going out with her friends more drinking and smoking pot. She never smoked pot the last 10 years. She bought a new Audi that I didn't want her to get. Says she never wanted kids and that I am drowning her.
She has threatened to leave, but never does. I don't say ILU or cry and beg. I did take off for a couple days and she was nice when I was gone, but was a real ***** before I confronted the tennis boy. I drew up divorce papers to give her the out and predated the separation for 1 year to make it a quick break. She was a little shocked when I showed her the papers. She has also given the option of working it out for 8 more weeks and then reevaluate a divorce. Live in the same house or for her to move into a small apartment to find herself. I have started playing hardball more and not sure what I should do next. Although she is not willing to give me access to her cell phone so I build some trust in what she says. Says I am tring to control her and I shouldn't care so much.

Would it better for her to leave during the 8 weeks or to stay in the house? Valentines day is coming up as well as her birthday. What do I do for her if anything? I wanted to give her surprise party, but not sure about it now. I want her to stay with me and kids in hopes that she will snap out of her fog after her BDay. Any ideas on my next steps?

Oh I have been making changes too. Lost 20 pounds, been working out, trying to look nice, blah blah blah

Sorry about making this a long post, but I wanted to give some details.

 

[Jasel]

Keep playing hardball, file for divorce, don't do anything for her B-day or valentines, and kick her out if possible. Follow this formula until she offers to do the heavy lifting required to work on your marriage. Don't bring up reconciliation or "working on the marriage" to her. That kind of talk will just drive her away even further. You need to show her that you can live/move on without her. And if she isn't interested, you've already started the process of moving on anyway. You can't "nice" your wife out of that type of behavior nor should you try.

But that's just my opinion.

 

[Shadow_Nirvana]

First of all, sorry you are here.

Your approach with the tennis instructor is not what I would have done, but it is something that can work in some instances. But refrain from doing it again because if he had talked to your wife about what you had done, it would have made you seem as pathetic and would lower your class.

I would refrain from getting her a present on Valentine's Day. She told you she's not in love with you, therefore she isn't your valentine and you aren't her valentine either.

She's acting like she wants out of the marriage. So, screw the birthday too.

Do not take crap her. You didn't rape her and held her hostage when she gave birth to your children. Meaning she is just trying to get rid of her anxiety and pain by blameshifting.(She may not have gotten what she wanted in marriage but it's ALL YOUR FAULT.-,n her mind, of course.-)

It's great that you are working on yourself. It will also be better if you were to get complimented from the opposite sex, better yet in front of your wife.

Read Married Man Sex Life Primer. Although you seem to have a hang of it already, it can give a polish to your Married Game.

I don't have that much experience in MLC(I think it's a bit bullcrap) but it is said that it generally lasts for 2 years so prepare for a bumpy road. I will certainly be keeping an eye on your thread.

 

[Norba_racer]

Thanks Jasel. Filing for divorce is a big step. I can get the ball rolling on it, but can't help to be a little nervous about it.

 

[Norba_racer]

Thanks for comment shadow. 2 years is a long time to put up with this crap. Although, she hasn't gone out this week and says she is done going out for awhile. Thanks for the reading tip. I find reading about this helps. She seems to go through bipolar spells or depression, but says she feels upbeat. BS in my mind.

 

[alte Dame]

She has all the signs of a wife who is cheating or wants to cheat. I think you should kick her out and make motions toward a divorce. She's not being a decent wife to you & it sounds like she is failing in her role as mother. There are lots of threads here about wives who suddenly start partying with gfs and accuse their husbands of stifling them. Pretty much always, there is a particular man that they have in sight that they are or will be cheating with.

 

[EleGirl]

Read the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harely.

She most likely has cheated on you. Maybe the boy toy dumped her and that's why she's not going out for a while. Or maybe the divorce papers scared her.

 

[KeepLoveGrowing]

What do YOU want? Do you want this marriage to work? If so, then I would say fight for it, but only as hard as she is willing to. Your giving it 8 weeks.. but how are you judging these 8 weeks? Are you trying new things? Take her out on a few spontaneous dates. Sounds like she is bored and trying to rediscover some of the fun things about being young. Instead of standing on the side lines and getting left behind, try doing it with her. Take her out for silly dates, etc. Pretend you're just dating again. If she wants to make it work then she will likely meet you half way.

If you're not sure you do want it to work out.. Well then send her packing and file for divorce - no sense in waiting 8 weeks if the decision is already made for both of you.

 

[dgtal]

Dont let her move to an apartment. What she will find there you wont like it instead she will find herself in different sex positions with the OM or maybe OM's. Regarding the POS tennis instructor tell him you will shove his raquet in his axx if he doesnt back off
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[dgtal]

in regards to her MLC, you have to accept it (less the OM). 2 years? no way, it will take longer, maybe will never get out of MLC. In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with looking young and beautiful. The destructive part of MLC is that impulsive surge to get attention from other(s) men.

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[Jasel]

What do YOU want? Do you want this marriage to work? If so, then I would say fight for it, but only as hard as she is willing to. Your giving it 8 weeks.. but how are you judging these 8 weeks? Are you trying new things? Take her out on a few spontaneous dates. Sounds like she is bored and trying to rediscover some of the fun things about being young. Instead of standing on the side lines and getting left behind, try doing it with her. Take her out for silly dates, etc. Pretend you're just dating again. If she wants to make it work then she will likely meet you half way.

If you're not sure you do want it to work out.. Well then send her packing and file for divorce - no sense in waiting 8 weeks if the decision is already made for both of you.

No offense but that is bad advice. If she's having an affair or cheating on him the last thing he needs to do is reward her bad behavior and bring on the romance. This pretty much never works and more often than not drives cheating women off even further.

Your advice is perfect for if she decides to work on the marriage, reconcile, shows remorse, and through her actions that she's willing to do the heavy lifting to help repair the marriage and the damage she's caused.

But while she's in the fog of her current mentality and running around like an immature teenager? She needs to realize there are consequences for her current behavior and she can't expect her husband to passively sit by and be her safety net in case she changes her mind.

Which is why I'm for filing for divorce ASAP or at least kicking them out. The longer you let this type of behavior go on without dealing with it directly, the harder it is to get your spouse to snap out of it. If you even can.

 

[Norba_racer]

What do YOU want? Do you want this marriage to work? If so, then I would say fight for it, but only as hard as she is willing to. Your giving it 8 weeks.. but how are you judging these 8 weeks? Are you trying new things? Take her out on a few spontaneous dates. Sounds like she is bored and trying to rediscover some of the fun things about being young. Instead of standing on the side lines and getting left behind, try doing it with her. Take her out for silly dates, etc. Pretend you're just dating again. If she wants to make it work then she will likely meet you half way.

If you're not sure you do want it to work out.. Well then send her packing and file for divorce - no sense in waiting 8 weeks if the decision is already made for both of you.

I do want it to work, but not sure how to get her to go somewhere with me. She has a cold at the moment too so that might be partly why she is staying in. We have talked alot the last couple of days. She said she doesn't know about us and would like to get an apt on her own for awhile so she can learn to be independant and clear her head. I hope letting her go and be on her own for awhile might help?

Her whole personality changed almost overnight. Not the same person she was 3 months ago. Almost like a mental illness. WE live in a really nice house and both have great high paying jobs. We have just started going to a MC and her solo visit is Monday. Then we come back together the following week.

Norba

 

[jfv]

In a situation like this you cannot let her be on her own for a while without filing for divorce.

She needs to see very clearly that there are consequences for single behavior while she is married to you. If she gets her own place while you wait for her you will lose her.

Even worse, she might come back to you but only after she's been ridden by every 20 something male with a cougar fetish. Sorry for that visual, but this is how you need to think about what is happenning because this is the reality.

Did your vows make an allowance for her to have other men inside of her until she got bored and came back to you. Why would you be okay with sharing your wife for even a second.? And why would you want her back after you have shared her? Unwillingly of course.

She has unilaterally changed the rules for this marriage. Void it... or at least threaten to.

 

[Anon Pink]

Something doesn't add up here.

So for the past 9years she's been a SAHM with two kids? Or am I just assuming due to the Tennis Instructor? Why does a SAHM with two kids all of a sudden not want to be around them? There is something more here that you're either not aware of, or left out.

Tell me more about her wanting to distance herself from her kids. What kind of mother has she been prior to this?

 

[Shaggy]

She's cheating, that much is plainly obvious.

You need to put a couple of voice activated recorders around where she likely to be with this guy.

I'm betting they are already having sex, hence the shaving and undies. They clearly aren't for you.

Talk to his boss at the club.

 

[Norba_racer]

Anon: She has worked full time and has been a very good mother up till now. Says she took care of them for 8 years now it is my turn. She is now quick to snap at them and never did that before. I too am starting to think something is going on like perimenopause with a little midlife crisis mixed in. After reading about perimenopause it fits her 100%. She now hates for me to touch her, makes her feel uncomfortable. We have not had sex in 3 months. I have asked her to get her hormones checked but she doesn't.

Shag: I have made it uncomfortable for him so I don't think he will continue. I can only hope that I got in the middle in time. She has not admitted to anything, except being inappropriate talking to a 24 yr old. She has been a mental case the last month and very well could've slept with him. I will never know one way or the other. She has never fooled around before or even flirted with other men. Like I said earlier she a very attractive woman and am sure other men notice her, but she never has cheated before. She has been talking about implants and has a couple consulting appointments coming up. Her good friend has implants and she wants to do the same. Why? She says to feel better about her self image. Says when she looks in the mirror she sees an old woman......she looks 30.

I don't know if her willing to go to MC is all for show or she really wants to see if we can work it out. If she was having an affair why would she make the appointments for the MC? Although, she isn't ready to do heavy lifting for our relationship. Like not giving me access to her phone.

Norba

 

[Cubby]

She wants new implants? Norba racer, forget about perimenopause, midlife crisis, her self image, etc. This is all about cheating. She's experienced sex with another man (or many others?) and SHE LIKES IT. Her new exciting life trumps her old boring life with you and her children. New implants will make it even more exciting.

The separation and marriage counseling are only ways to keep you, her meal ticket, pacified. If she admitted to an ongoing affair then she fears you might do something drastic like, oh I don't know...file for divorce?

 

[Aunt Ava]

Without access to her phone and all the text messages flying between them you really don't know for certain what you are dealing with. At the very least it's an emotional affair, but it really sounds like its gone physical.

Turning 40, acting single, sexy undies, shaving when she didn't before. Staying out for several nights....married women don't have sleepovers. She's all but wearing a sign that's says I'm available.

550 text messages with the tennis boy? Single guys don't give that much attention to females unless they are getting something in return, and I don't mean warm fuzzies.

How are your children handling the new mommy? I just can't fathom her behavior towards her 6 and 8 year old daughters. By avoiding them she is really setting them up for serious emotional issues in the future. Please consider counselling for them.

It takes two to save a marriage, and she needs to be completely transparent with you. That means handing over email passwords, phone passwords etc. I doubt she's willing to give you that.

Sometimes, in order to save a marriage you have to be willing to lose it. Next time she complains you are controlling her explain the you are trying to protect the marriage. She is in complete control of her behavior, and you have the option to leave if you disagree with it. You have been strong so far.

What is she really saying when she says "you shouldn't care so much"? I mean she sounds like she spouting fog babble, but what's your take?

 

[Norba_racer]

Ava: Not sure what she means by don't care so much.

Tonight she said she wants to follow through with a quick divorce. I agreed to give her that and walked out. She followed me around the house asking if I was Ok. I said yes that I had been expecting her to say that. She left and got a hotel room around the corner. She called me again and ask me to call her if I need to talk. I didn't call her back. At this point I am checking out. Sounded like she is having 2nd thoughts, says lets sleep on it and talk again tomorrow morning. I am done talking to her. F___k it. Never thought I would be divorced at 45. Hurts like hell and I can't help to feel like a failure.

N

 

[ComicBookLady]

I am sorry you're going through this

First of all, what your wife is initiating with the instructor is WRONG of her. There is no reason in the world, nothing you could do to her, that would make that okay.

Secondly, just to maybe help clarify, if a woman starts down the path to an affair, it's often to get something from another man that her husband denies her EMOTIONALLY. Again, it's not RIGHT, but this could be why, and may help your marriage if things haven't progressed to far, and you're willing to forgive the texting.

If you want to save the marriage, sit down with her and OBJECTIVELY listen to all she has to say. (did I say "objectively" loud enough? ) Find out from her what is missing in your marriage, and work together to fix the issue (not argue with her about it; her needs matter in the marriage just as yours matter) And in these moments, all past issues and resentments need to be off the table, including the texting. This needs to be a path forward sans difficulties.

Of course her actions are not good, but if you love her, you need to help pull her through this phase she's in. Of course she needs to do work on her side as well, but you can do a lot also.

On the topic of Valentine's and B-Day, it sounds like you honestly still want to make it work, but are unsure on how to fix it all yet. She hasn't gone TOO far down the wrong path yet (though it's up to you on what's forgivable). If there's any hope at all for your mariage in your heart, I would show her you love her on both days. I feel like doing otherwise than following your heart would be pride keeping you from doing what is needed. Also, from her side, not receiving love on those days is a surefire signal for her that you DON'T want things to work.

I hope all goes well for you, and I'm very very sorry you're going through so much.