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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm not happy in my marriage at all but still love my wife dearly.
She's a good mother and sometimes a good wife. I can't begin to discuss our problems but all of it seems to stem for her constant distrust of my motives and my own symptoms of ADD/OCD. She seems to think that some things that are left behind or around the house in pursuit of the "next activity" stem from me "not respecting her" and leaving her work instead of the truth. I take Adderall and Prozac, but can't take Adderall at night when I'm home most of the time. More than anything though, I have trouble expressing my feelings without either being called a liar, having my motives called into question,
getting the cold shoulder and eventually being called names.

I am always feeling the need to "resolve" things to the point where I don't always give her space, but this is getting better. And to tell you the truth, sometimes she revives the subject too after saying she doesn't want to discuss it and then gets mad at me for "going on and on."


Three weeks ago, we had a huge fight and she said she was divorcing me and going to sleep on the couch. She tried to take the blanket off me and I told her that if she was going to divorce me and sleep on the couch, then she should get her own damn blanket -- not leave me cold! I grabbed the other end, a brief tug ensued and then she jumped on top of me and punched me in the face. This is not the first time she's
hit me, although it's the first time with a closed fist. Sometimes
she says she feels "trapped," but I was not preventing her from
leaving the room -- I just wasn't going to let her leave me cold. It WAS immature, but it was a pride thing, I guess. To me, it was an extremely cowardly thing to do -- she knew I wouldn't hit her back. I almost called the cops, but men are seldom believed in these situations. Besides, she claimed I grabbed her wrist (which I don't remember doing), so who knows what the cops would have done. She apologized, but it was always, "I'm sorry..." and then a long discussion of my shortcomings with hers brought up in the context of "Yeah but..." To me, that's not enough. She might as well have cheated on me!

For the next two weeks, I questioned my love for her and for the first time no longer felt "lucky" to have her, even though she is very beautiful and generally a great girl -- just not always to me. When we finally made it to a marriage counselor, I just unloaded the feelings at once, but added that I since decided I do love her and do want to make things work. Now she says she's "numb" and doesn't know whether we can continue. We're both going to start individual therapy.

She claims I hurt her with some things I said during her pregnancy a couple years ago. I know I said some insensitive things, but honestly, I was not aware of the full extent of her condition and she didn't really communicate it clearly. I was going through a tough time finding employment and we were all on edge. We wound up having no sexual contact beyond a rare tongue-kiss for eight months as a result of pregnancy complications and C-section aftermath. The thing is: she didn't just say "we can't have sex anymore." She kept saying, "Not now" and getting my hopes up by saying she "thought" about doing me a hand favor during the day but didn't. It was one long string- along. I didn't take well to it, couldn't understand her moods and as a result, said some nasty things -- accusing her of "freeloading" after the house became a wreck when she quit her job and saying, "I bought you a Lexus, the least you can do for me is give me..." Well, you get the idea. At one point, she screamed horrible things to me about my childhood and that she was divorcing me and I screamed horrible things back, saying I was going to call an ex-girlfriend and
get laid. It was just a mess and of course, I was made to feel more guilty about what I did and hers was reduced to "I know I did this... but..." I know I wasn't that great to her at times, even though I tried to be generous with a lot (shopping for her, taking as many shifts with the baby as possible, spoiling her, etc.) I don't like to say I'm perfect or even easy, but I DO think I'm a better man than she gives me credit for.

I just feel incredibly used. She has gotten to stay home for
two years and although I have all the respect for stay-at-home moms, I feel that all my trying to make life easier for her and our son has been completely reduced to nothing. Now she goes on the computer all the time and ignores me. I think we've had two dates since the baby was born a year-and-a-half ago and most of our sexual encounters are "quickies."

I hope counseling helps and I know I'm not perfect, but I'm not a cheater (I don't even flirt), I don't hit her, I never drink, I'm a
Christian, I'm not a nasty person unless heavily provoked, I'm a good father, very affectionate and generous and I'm just feeling lonely and empty right now. I feel like my son will inevitably resent me or feel abandoned if we divorce and I just want to be the guy who turns my wife "on" again. She, however, just claims I'm "overbearing" and she doesn't know if she can take it anymore. I'm a Christian and although even Christians has provisions for divorce -- and abuse is one of them -- I have decided I want to try to make it work. How can I get her to be just as enthusiastic about it?
 

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How can I get her to be just as enthusiastic about it?
You cannot. You can only change you, not her. She has to want to change herself. As my heart goes out to both of you I can see that neither one of you is free and clear from causing this relationship to be toxic. I am glad you are going to counceling and I think individual counceling is very important for both of you. I can tell you that both of you need to stop bringing up past problems into a new disagreement. You need to discuss only the problem at hand. If it gets to heated you both need to stop and have a time out. You have to agree on these things. You also have to state that she can never hit you again. Abuse either way is not right and if she does it again, she needs to leave. There have been times that I have wanted to hit and never acted upon it. If she cannot control these actions she needs help. Maybe she has a hormonal imbalance after having your child that needs to be addressed. Just a thought.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks HM. I have told her that she will never hit me again and she's told me it won't happen again. I worry about her losing her temper on our son as he grows up.

I am ready to not bring up the past, but I'm not sure if I am ready to view her the same way since she punched me. I will get there though.

As for hormones... I don't know. I do know that she's lost 85 pounds over the past nine months and as a result, has new confidence -- and yes, I'm very proud of her. But her rationalizing and minimizing of things have never been worse. She's looks great on the outside, but inside is a different story.

As for me, I just want her to know that I DO care and that I DO respect her and to just give me the benefit of the doubt more often and have enough respect for my opinions and feelings.
 

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My suggestion is if she ever becomes violent again get out of there and file a police report. It is sad that police often do not believe a women can physical abuse a man, but it happpens all the time. You need to protect yourself and more so your son.

draconis
 

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I think you both need some serious counseling, not a pastor, some one with a degree and a professional. I think your wife may had ADD as well, or some sort of depression.

Good luck
 
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