[rustybrain]

Hi, I am posting here just to see if I am over reacting to my wife's suggestions that we engage in an open relationship. Btw a few years ago I found her having a facebook affair and planning to meet a guy for sex. We worked through that and all appeared to be fine. So 4 years on, when everything is calm and fine she blurts out that she isn't opposed to an open relationship. I was surprised. Now for me this is a big deal. I fought once for my marriage, left my pride aside and put the kids first. But now this? She says after seeing my reaction that while isn't opposed to an open relationship she would never act on this or hurt me. I am against this 100% and this is deal breaker for me. After fighting for my marriage, I now find myself contemplating divorce. I simple don't want the drama of a open relationship and have no fight left. She said she was just being honest and I have nothing to worry about. But I feel like she is planning something or has designs on someone else. She also got drunk recently and said that having sex behind someone's back is not cheating if it is meaningless. I put this down to drink talk and she said she talks crap when drunk afterwards. She doesn't get drunk often. Once at year at most. So am I over reacting? I don't want to be married to someone who wants an open relationship. I fought already for my marriage and played my part in keeping the family together. We are just back from a holiday of a lifetime. It was great and she said it was her best holiday ever. So what is going on?? Am I paranoid because of her past??? Or am I correct??

 

[Marc878]

You are correct. Big red flags on this. Check your phone bill online.

First and easy check. Look for a lot of calls/texts to a specific number. In and done in 30 minutes tops.

Hope it's nothing but......

 

[EllisRedding]

How is everything else in your marriage?

Assuming she hasn't cheated on you yet (at a minimum she had plans on based on the fact you caught her with the FB drama), the fact that she would even hint at an open marriage is not only inconsiderate, but seems like she is trying to set the table for something else...

I think my big problem, I could not be with someone who did not share the same values as me, especially on some big topics such as sex and marriage. Her ideas of open marriages and cheating seems to go against what you believe in, and that could be dangerous.

 

[eric1]

You are right to consider this a red flag.

This is totally spitballing but 95% of proposed open relationships occur after period of monogamy because that partner already has someone, or has designs on someone in particular. Since this wouldn't be her first affair I would consider that this is a red flag that you need to act on rather decisively.

"I am not for an open relationship, I never will be and any sort of infidelity - emotional or physical - are unconditionally deal-breakers for me. Given that I've still not fully regained my trust from your last affair I'm just letting you know that I would be more comfortable if I could take a look at your phone to see for myself."

You will not even have to look at her phone, her face will tell you everything that you need to know.

 

[Kivlor]

Hi, I am posting here just to see if I am over reacting to my wife's suggestions that we engage in an open relationship. Btw a few years ago I found her having a facebook affair and planning to meet a guy for sex. We worked through that and all appeared to be fine. So 4 years on, when everything is calm and fine she blurts out that she isn't opposed to an open relationship. I was surprised. Now for me this is a big deal. I fought once for my marriage, left my pride aside and put the kids first. But now this? She says after seeing my reaction that while isn't opposed to an open relationship she would never act on this or hurt me. I am against this 100% and this is deal breaker for me. After fighting for my marriage, I now find myself contemplating divorce. I simple don't want the drama of a open relationship and have no fight left. She said she was just being honest and I have nothing to worry about. But I feel like she is planning something or has designs on someone else. She also got drunk recently and said that having sex behind someone's back is not cheating if it is meaningless. I put this down to drink talk and she said she talks crap when drunk afterwards. She doesn't get drunk often. Once at year at most. So am I over reacting? I don't want to be married to someone who wants an open relationship. I fought already for my marriage and played my part in keeping the family together. We are just back from a holiday of a lifetime. It was great and she said it was her best holiday ever. So what is going on?? Am I paranoid because of her past??? Or am I correct??

What did you say when she told you she's interested in an open marriage?

What did you say when she said that sleeping with other people isn't cheating, even if your spouse doesn't know you're doing it?

 

[rustybrain]

Hmmm. I am against divorce, but there is only so much I can put up with. She is very smart and has learned from the past that Internet activity can get you caught. So I checked her cell phone and found nothing suspicious. Of course she just has to delete recent activity and incoming or out going call history. She definitely would have the know how to do these basic things. Red flags maybe, but why would she bother tell she isn't opposed to an open relationship? She says she is anti divorce and loves me. That she would only ever engage in an open relationship with my consent and was been honest. But your right, it is suspicious.

 

[rustybrain]

I told her I was against open relationships

 

[eric1]

Hmmm. I am against divorce, but there is only so much I can put up with. She is very smart and has learned from the past that Internet activity can get you caught. So I checked her cell phone and found nothing suspicious. Of course she just has to delete recent activity and incoming or out going call history. She definitely would have the know how to do these basic things. Red flags maybe, but why would she bother tell she isn't opposed to an open relationship? She says she is anti divorce and loves me. That she would only ever engage in an open relationship with my consent and was been honest. But your right, it is suspicious.

Take a recent cell phone bill and reconcile it with what is on her phone. If anything doesn't match up then that means she is deleting things, which at that point you would Dr Fone recover deleted texts.

Also on her phone there are also ways to carry on an affair without it showing up on a phone bill. It's not just communcations apps like WhatsApp, Kik, Instagran, Twitter DMs, Facebook, Snapchat, etc but apps that have the ability to chat but that's not theit core feature. Stuff like Trivia Crack, Clash of Clans, etc. Hell I even know of a cheater wife whose affair partner setup a private Minecraft server so that they could communicate. Her husband never even had a red flag even kind of raised, he just saw his wife playing stupid Minecraft.

 

[Marduk]

She's been cheating on you for some time, probably with a bunch of different guys.

That would be my assumption from that point forward. Shut your mouth, open your eyes, dig in deep into email, Facebook, phone, anything you can get your hands on.

Next time she's on a Girls Night Out, swing by where she says she is without having her realize that you've done that.

 

[jorgegene]

Hi, I am posting here just to see if I am over reacting to my wife's suggestions that we engage in an open relationship. Btw a few years ago I found her having a facebook affair and planning to meet a guy for sex. We worked through that and all appeared to be fine. So 4 years on, when everything is calm and fine she blurts out that she isn't opposed to an open relationship. I was surprised. Now for me this is a big deal. I fought once for my marriage, left my pride aside and put the kids first. But now this? She says after seeing my reaction that while isn't opposed to an open relationship she would never act on this or hurt me. I am against this 100% and this is deal breaker for me. After fighting for my marriage, I now find myself contemplating divorce. I simple don't want the drama of a open relationship and have no fight left. She said she was just being honest and I have nothing to worry about. But I feel like she is planning something or has designs on someone else. She also got drunk recently and said that having sex behind someone's back is not cheating if it is meaningless. I put this down to drink talk and she said she talks crap when drunk afterwards. She doesn't get drunk often. Once at year at most. So am I over reacting? I don't want to be married to someone who wants an open relationship. I fought already for my marriage and played my part in keeping the family together. We are just back from a holiday of a lifetime. It was great and she said it was her best holiday ever. So what is going on?? Am I paranoid because of her past??? Or am I correct??

that's a new one on me. so if i steal something, don't get caught and consider it meaningless, then it's not stealing. right?

btw i realize she was drunk and we all say stupid stuff when we're drunk; but the stupid stuff we say is usually what we actually think without any inhibitions or filters.

 

[SunCMars]

The itch returns. Time for a new bottle of Calamine lotion. Apply it to her scent gland.

This is your wife, listen to her words.

The second salvo hint has been fired over your bow....brow!

 

[Dycedarg]

You don't need to go hunting for evidence. She's cheated on you.

Even if she hasn't, you have lost her. She wants to do her thing, and since she is incapable of understanding how destructive such behavior is, and the price one pays for it, she is becoming less and less inhibited.

It's basically just a matter of time before she leaves you.

I'm sorry. Yours is an awful situation.

 

[rustybrain]

Oh, here we go again. So I should really start considering divorce or some spy technology??

 

[convert]

sometimes maybe even usually when one spouse suggests an open marriage there is designs on another person already.
keep your eyes open

 

[Lostinthought61]

In vino veritas

 

[ABHale]

She would have never brought it up if was not already cheating or getting ready to..... Would be a deal breaker for me to.... Sorry man...

 

[convert]

Oh, here we go again. So I should really start considering divorce or some spy technology??

just be vigilant.
you said yourself in your original post that you know when people talk about open marriage that they have someone in mind already, which usually means an EA is already in progress.
just watch out.

 

[eric1]

Oh, here we go again. So I should really start considering divorce or some spy technology??

Keep divorce or reconciliation out of your mind now. You need to:

1. Work with her to understand how the hell she could even recommend this given her past infidelity

2. Go into "trust but verify" mode. Yes, you can call this spying. But it's what you unfortunately need to do.

 

[Marduk]

Oh, here we go again. So I should really start considering divorce or some spy technology??

Let me ask you a few questions.

If she was cheating, would you want to know?

If she is, would you want to leave her or reconcile?

If she told you that she wanted to have sex with other men, could you hear the truth?
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[Marduk]

Keep divorce or reconciliation out of your mind now. You need to:

1. Work with her to understand how the hell she could even recommend this given her past infidelity

2. Go into "trust but verify" mode. Yes, you can call this spying. But it's what you unfortunately need to do.

I missed that she's cheated before.

Divorce.
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