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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Backstory: we have been married for a year and a half and were dating for two years before that. We were 29 when we started dating. After getting engaged we started having sex less and less and she started gaining more weight. It has gotten to the point where we have been intimate one in the past 6 months. She blames her weight gain and says she hates the way she looks and doesn't want to have sex because of it. I confronted her yesterday (after first going to see a divorce lawyer) and said this has to change and now she is telling me that for the 6 years between ages 23-28 she was bulimic and vomited 2-3 times a day(that is about 2000 days). So now, on top of everything I realize the reason behind her stomach issues that she has had for the past year or so(I am now convinced that she had them before we started living together too, but hid them from me). I am sure that she could not support a child and I know I want one. Am I wrong in thinking that she should have disclosed this to me befoer getting married? I wanted to get a divorce anyway but was willing to see if she would change and get thin and feel better and want to have sex and children. now I have no hope of that. I do not feel affection from her(she hardly wants to kiss me). But am I being a guy now who is leaving his wife because she can;t ahve children(even though their are otehr causes of unhappiness too). Thank you to all who weigh in on this.
 

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IF your wife has mental problems that she does not address and fix that prevent her from acting as a wife to you, then you are right to leave her. My opinion.
 

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Disagree with Hicks.

You have been married a year and a half - what is your relationship worth to you?

You can try and fix it together, or... well... not. You will need to choose. Assigning blame here seems particularly pointless, doesnt it? She is sick - and the nature of THAT particular beast is not like disclosing a gambling problem or MS or something - it is a secretive disaster wrapped up in shame and self loathing and who knows what else. I think you are mistaken to think that she 'could' have disclosed it.

So, ball is in your court. What are you going to do? If nothing else - she needs to get professional help. You should get that process going no matter how you feel about your marriage. Its the right thing to do...get moving.
 

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You wrote you were waiting for her to change and get thin. I understand your in a sexless marriage and that sucks but the poor girl is hurting very deeply also. Hopefully your very careful in the way you talk to her about this subject. Even if you are in a bad place in your marriage you still at one time loved her enough to marry her. So try and understand this isn't about you. This is something that started before you. She needs to be in IC.
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Disagree with Hicks.

You have been married a year and a half - what is your relationship worth to you?
I agree.

You can try and fix it together, or... well... not. You will need to choose. Assigning blame here seems particularly pointless, doesnt it? She is sick - and the nature of THAT particular beast is not like disclosing a gambling problem or MS or something - it is a secretive disaster wrapped up in shame and self loathing and who knows what else. I think you are mistaken to think that she 'could' have disclosed it.
That is a lot of self loathing in other secrative behaviors. as a spouse, he had a right to know. Just because it is understandable why she did not disclose it does not make it excusable.

So, ball is in your court. What are you going to do? If nothing else - she needs to get professional help. You should get that process going no matter how you feel about your marriage. Its the right thing to do...get moving.
I agree, to an extent. Just remember that you can't make her go. She needs to go for herself. You also can't be held hostage by her behavior. If she conditions addressing this on you staying, that is a red flag for you.
 

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Of course he has a right to know. Now he knows.

Im baffled by the hair splitting on whether or not he has the right to divorce her or if it would be excusable. Of course he does, and yes I guess it is. Does it matter? Yeah yeah yeah you cant make her go - again thats pretty obvious isnt it?

Question is, again.. what is he going to do?

My advice stands. Get her some help if you can - while you think about what you want to do.
 

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I have had to deal with a similar situation in my relationship. However our stories are very different. The bottom line in all of this is this. You cannot feel bad for what you want, your feelings, are yours and yours alone, and while we often try to change people ourselves and fix their issues, we cannot, they have to.

As long as you have communicated your frustrations to your wife and she knows what she needs to do to fix herself, it then comes back to you to decide if you can or cannot deal with her in this state.

My wife cannot have children as far as we know. We have had unprotected sex since we have been together and she did get pregnent once but miscarried a few days into it. Since then, nothing. She is 12 years my senior she is 42 and I am 30. In my life I want kids, but I am willing to sacrifice that desire to be with my wife.

However, I, like you have other issues with my wife that she is choosing not to address, I have set my boundaries so that I am not going to sacrifice another thing in my life for her unless she shows me some comprimise and is willing to help herself.

You just have to determine if this is what you want, if it's not make sure to communicate it to her and see if she is willing to change, if not then you need to make a decision on if you want to deal with this going forward.
 

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Im baffled by the hair splitting on whether or not he has the right to divorce her or if it would be excusable. Of course he does, and yes I guess it is. Does it matter? Yeah yeah yeah you cant make her go - again thats pretty obvious isnt it?
Well, your post could easily be read as excusing her for not telling and, by implication, that he should stick it out. I don't think that it what you intended, but it certainly deserved to be pointed out and clarified.

As far as it being obvious that he can't make her go, you would think that, but that is not always the case. Far too many people get stuck on trying to change people without recognizing that they can't make another person do anything.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Wow. That is definitely a lot of food for thought. When I initially brought up the idea of her speaking to someone about it, (technically this was before the bulimia revelation, this was just based on the fact that she doesn't like her figure yet continues to drink 3 beers a night and go through a couple of boxes of cookies a week). SHe said she doesn't want to see someone but has to figure this out on her own. Somone mentioned that I once loed her enough to get married. The crazy thing is, i still do love her. I left out that we have known each other for 20 years now. We wer very close friends for most of that time(technically I lost contact with a lot of my friends for part of that time including her). I still love her now. When we do go out, I enjoy her company. I am going to miss a lot about our life. It is not all about the sex, but I'm 33 and in a sexless marriage and the thought is driving me crazy. Yes, she needs help, but the advice I am getting from the few people that I talk about this too is that people don't change. I am afraid that waiting for me to force her to change for me is crazy. Considering the change I am talking about is intimacy. She should want intimacy and she shouldnt be forcing ehrself to change fo me. This goes beyond the bulima thing, but I feel that now that revelation changes things and puts me in a situation where it's harder to cut this off, becuase there is a deeper psychological issue that I did not realize was there. bulimia as a teenager is one thing..they don't know any better. A woman in her 20's(who only stopped after being caught by her sister) is a whole deeper issue, that I feel I had a right at least to know about before getting married. Thank you all for all this great advice. I am glad I found this site.
 

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Yes, she needs help, but the advice I am getting from the few people that I talk about this too is that people don't change.
I would not say that. I would say it is harder as you get older and the person has to want to change for themself, not for anyone else.

Considering the change I am talking about is intimacy. She should want intimacy and she shouldnt be forcing ehrself to change fo me. This goes beyond the bulima thing, but I feel that now that revelation changes things and puts me in a situation where it's harder to cut this off, becuase there is a deeper psychological issue that I did not realize was there. bulimia as a teenager is one thing..they don't know any better. A woman in her 20's(who only stopped after being caught by her sister) is a whole deeper issue, that I feel I had a right at least to know about before getting married. Thank you all for all this great advice. I am glad I found this site.
I am no expert, but I don't think this is accurate. Just because she has gotten older does not mean the underlying issues have been sorted out, or that she automatically knows how to deal with things. I also strongly suspect that the bulima and initmacy are linked. You may need to talk to a counselor yourself to get additional information so that you can make an informed choice.

I can't tell you what to do, but if you stick it out, you do need to make sure that she is taking steps to work on the issues as a whole.
 

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Ok, bulimia doesn't usually just happen in isolation, and it's not something you outgrow or snap out of. Eating disorders on the whole are generally the result of the sufferer feeling powerless and using control of food to substitute for whatever else in their life they don't have control over. It's a way of self-medicating, just like drug use or alcoholism often are. The underlying problem was there before the eating disorder, and is still there even if the disordered food behaviors have stopped. If that were not true, she would not be drinking to excess and binging on food while at the same time blocking intimacy (both sexual and not).

She needs specialized treatment for her eating disorder. Part of that treatment will address the underlying issues that cause her to have a disordered relationship with food and with herself and you.

You don't have to stick around while she sorts herself out. But you should really strongly encourage her to get help.

By the way, why do you assume she cannot carry a child? Many people who have been treated for eating disorders can and do have healthy children.
 
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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
By the way, why do you assume she cannot carry a child? Many people who have been treated for eating disorders can and do have healthy children.
Based on a lot of pregnancy and bulimia googling really. She still vomits a lot, but that is now involuntary. She just gets nausous a lot. I am afraid that 6 years to the extent she did while it may not stop her preganancy, it may hurt her ability to nourish the child. I full ybelieve her stomach and esophagus is tore up. She told me she lost weight with Taebo..I feel horrible about this and bad for her as well. I have trouble being dishonest here but I am going to be as helpful as I can but i cannot just stick around if I feel me and her are a lost cause.
 

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She needs to see a doctor for a full check up to make sure any medical issues she has as a result of the bulimia are treated.

She needs to see a nutritionist to understand how to better feed her body. Beer and cookies are not going to help her in any capacity. Eating healthy foods will reduce physical cravings for junk food.

She needs to see a therapist who specializes in bulimia. She has emotional issues which led her to binging and purging in the first place, and those need to be worked through. And she has emotional and psychological issues as a result of the bulimia and the shame, hiding, etc. she's been living with for years. And she needs help with accepting her body so she doesn't hate herself and is able to be intimate.

No, you aren't required to stay with her if you don't want to. No one is required to stay with a partner. But do urge her to seek this help for her body and mind, whether you stay with her or not.
 

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Your wife should see a psychiatrist and have her issues treated. I used to binge eat, but since being medicated on my bipolar medicines I don't overeat any more. Some of the medications increase appetite and cause weight gain so she would want to be careful to avoid those, but some can actually decrease appetite and cause weight loss. Wellbutrin is an antidepressant that decreased my appetite. Eating sugar releases seratonin. Low levels of seratonin cause depression. She may be self medicating depression with food.
 

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IF your wife has mental problems that she does not address and fix that prevent her from acting as a wife to you, then you are right to leave her. My opinion.
In this case I agree with this. Your marriage at only 1.5 years already has some serious serious issues. Lack of sex, bulimia, no intimacy, likely not well enough to have children, etc.

Add to that her unwillingness to seek help and your age. I say these are some serious deal breakers especially wanting kids. Even if she's able to get pregnant without intense therapy she will struggle with body changes.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Ok. After a tough mental day at work, it is time to face music at home. This was her off day and have not heard from her after last night's revelation and talk. I won't check this from a home computer but I really do appreciate all the advice so far. I hope to pay it forward and with my limited knowledge contribute to other threads. I may also post further thoughts on this on the thread tomorrow sfter tonight's talk. Thanks again to all
 

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I am a recovered bulimic (for 5 years now) and have a sister who is also bulimic but has NOT recovered (she's been bulimic for 13 years). I have a good idea of what is going on with your wife.

1) You need to know this, to save you years of difficulty; Bulimics will not get better unless THEY want to get better. You can send her to the best doctors, treatment centers, plead, or be the most supportive person in the world, and it won't make one stitch of difference if she still has not decided to make the change. It's a lot like a major drug addiction. Often this requires hitting rock bottom for her. For me, I didn't hit rock bottom to get better, I just decided to get better for my son. So you really REALLY need to have a heart to heart with her and gauge how MUCH she wants to get better. How dedicated is she?

Once she makes that decision, she will need you very much. So you need to decide if you love your wife enough to help her through the long, difficult process of healing from this illness or not.

Also, you said something along the lines of that you're wanting her to be thin again. That type of thinking is TERRIBLE to a recovering bulimic. She needs a husband to love and make her feel beautiful at a bigger size. This is critical. You need to decide if you can do that (and mean it)

2) She didn't tell you because to many bulimics, we don't feel like we're hurting anyone but ourselves, so we don't bother anyone else with it. It's our own, personal, hellish torment that we wrap ourselves up in.... but at the same time we love it. We get thin, we get attention, and we control the entire situation, but it effects nobody but ourselves.

This of course is very untrue, you DO effect everyone around you and cannot see it. It's just hard to see when you're in the throes of the illness. Be happy she has now told you, and let go of the resentment before you poison your marriage with it. You are valid in feeling the way you are though (about wishing she would have told you). She probably didn't even think about bulimia effecting child bearing.

3) The lack of sex and everything else is because she doesn't like herself. Bulimia is all about self loathing. For women, you need to love how you look (and love yourself) to feel sexy and attractive and want to have sex. This is tough to overcome for the bulimic, because you can be as thin as a rail and still think you're fat and ugly and unattractive. You can help by making her feel loved and sexy at the size she is.

4) You are right to be concerned about children. My bulimic sister managed to have a child, but she also was in the hospital for a good amount of that time... she SAID it was because of liver problems, but I KNOW it was because she didn't eat enough and didn't want to gain weight. As a mother of two, I was pretty sickened by her selfish choice to put herself over her child.

My advice is to work on healing her of bulimia before starting a family. Even if she does manage to have a baby while bulimic, she will A) be putting your children around the illness; and B) putting her health at severe risk; the children could lose their mother at a young age.

5) She may not be TOO far gone into the sickness based on the fact that you hadn't noticed yet. Most bulimics that go far into it go on intense food buying/purging binges that are hard to hide. And sometimes they can get so bad they actually leave the vomit around the house in containers (I never got that bad, but my sister did). She doesn't sound near as bad as my sister, so I think you have hope.

If she does not REALLY want to get better, then I think that is within understanding for you to leave the marriage. But you should give her some time to figure it out, with your help. See what happens. You'll know pretty quickly how dedicated she is.

In case it helps, I quit cold turkey, with my husbands support and never looked back (who, like you, didn't know ahead of time I was bulimic when we met). We've had a healthy little boy two years later. What you want is very possible, but it's a long slow road to recovery.

I really hope the best for you, and your wife. :)
 

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She said she won't have sex until she's thinner.

The OP is happy with her size now and does not want her thinner.

He does however want sex which is why he said he was waiting for her to get thinner.

Make sense?
 

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She said she won't have sex until she's thinner.

The OP is happy with her size now and does not want her thinner.

He does however want sex which is why he said he was waiting for her to get thinner.

Make sense?
Ahhh I see now! Thank you for making that clearer!

If that's the case, then you pressuring her to be thin is NOT a problem (hooray!)

And once again, I know exactly how she's feeling. Even though I've recovered, I still struggle with wanting to put off sex, trips, experiences (LIFE really) until I get to however many pounds. Bulimia whispers to you that you're not good enough for those things unless you're thin. But honestly, even if she got to that weight, the sex is still likely to be low, as she will STILL hate herself. Bulimia means you're never happy with yourself.

While most of the work will fall on HER shoulders to follow the road to healing and self acceptance, OP can help in his way by making her feel like the most wanted, sexy woman on the planet, at her larger size. Having his acceptance is very very important to her. Say she's beautiful all the time, comment many times a day on aspects that are not related to weight (eyes, lips, hair, etc). She may not SEEM receptive to it right away, but she will appreciate it.

But again, most of this is on her shoulders. There's nothing you can do for her if she's not ready to recover. And that's what I feel OP needs to gauge before he makes a life changing decisions

If it's okay that I ask, what does she say when she talks about her bulimia? Does she seem passionate about stopping? When did it start? Are there any other habits you've noticed (certain feelings that seem to trigger the behavior)?

And even though I said the best treatment in the world won't help unless she wants it, it can't hurt to give it a try.
 

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Backstory: we have been married for a year and a half and were dating for two years before that. We were 29 when we started dating. After getting engaged we started having sex less and less and she started gaining more weight. It has gotten to the point where we have been intimate one in the past 6 months. She blames her weight gain and says she hates the way she looks and doesn't want to have sex because of it. I confronted her yesterday (after first going to see a divorce lawyer) and said this has to change and now she is telling me that for the 6 years between ages 23-28 she was bulimic and vomited 2-3 times a day(that is about 2000 days). So now, on top of everything I realize the reason behind her stomach issues that she has had for the past year or so(I am now convinced that she had them before we started living together too, but hid them from me). I am sure that she could not support a child and I know I want one. Am I wrong in thinking that she should have disclosed this to me befoer getting married? I wanted to get a divorce anyway but was willing to see if she would change and get thin and feel better and want to have sex and children. now I have no hope of that. I do not feel affection from her(she hardly wants to kiss me). But am I being a guy now who is leaving his wife because she can;t ahve children(even though their are otehr causes of unhappiness too). Thank you to all who weigh in on this.
so your concerns are that she's gained weight and is giving you less sex. not one word from you in this post that says you're worried about her well-being, or how to be supportive and help her as she recovers from her eating disorder. it doesn't sound like you're concerned about her at all, only about yourself. if you are as selfish and uncaring IRL as you come across here, why on earth would she want to have sex with you?

Maybe you should leave her, so she can have a chance at a better life with someone who actually cares about her.

and you're right, she should have told you about the eating disorder before you got married, so that she could know the character of the man she was prepared to marry- whether he would be supportive and wanting to help, or just run the other way because he can't be arsed to deal with anything difficult or inconvenient.
 
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