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My story starts about 2 months ago. Me and my wife have been married for 11 years and have been together for about 18 years. My wife has always had issues with depression, anxiety, and OCD. She has been taking some form of med for these now since I can remember. We have a 10 year old daughter and a 7 year old son. We both make decent money, have new vehicles, recently built our dream house and live close to work and in a great neighborhood. I would have to believe we have a pretty good life that not everyone gets to experience. Back to my story, she had a work trip to Georgia about a month and a half ago. i had been feeling like our relationship was certainly not bad but we really lacked closeness like we have had for many years. I attributed it to having 2 kids, all kinds of activities, and professional careers. She didn't seem to enjoy sex all the time and she would sometimes make me feel like it was a chore. She had been sleeping on the couch almost every night. I had questioned her about this for about 2 years and she always had some type of excuse. It was too hot in our room, she couldn't sleep, etc. I just blew it off as I didn't know what else I could do. I did try really hard to get her to stay in our room and she would on occasion. She really seemed withdrawn for a long time now. She would sit on the couch and not do much of anything but sit on her phone and text people and surf social media. That would drive me crazy because she really wouldn't do things with the kids or even carry on a conversation with me. I did all the shopping and took care of everything for the family at that point. It was like she was in her own little world that didn't involve the rest of her family. She would be gone for a week at a conference. However, the conference is more like a big party. Every night all the vendors provide free apps and all the alcohol you could want. I certainly didn't feel thrilled that my wife was going to this conference where it becomes what I believe is a big drunk fest. My uneasiness stemmed from the fact that she really liked to party it up and we didn't seem all that close like I would have liked. I still felt like we had a great life together though. She works in a predominately male oriented career so there are thousands of guys at the conference and much fewer women. We had recently gone on a vacation with our kids and even had some great sex. I should also mention that my wife loves attention. She had been starting to fix her hair everyday, and put on makeup. She also lost about 30 pounds. I know that she was getting a lot of attention from guys at work and she just eats that up. When I would give her attention she would blow it off. The days before her leaving on her trip, we had nice close family time. Spent extra time with the kids and me. Seemed very happy and helped clean up the house and prepare to leave and not make it so difficult for me when she is gone. While she was gone, I had decided that I really didn't want to continue to have a relationship like this with the lack of closeness. I decided I wanted to try to fix it and felt even if me pushing to fix it would split us up, it was still the right thing to do because I didn't want to grow old living like this anymore. Also to my dismay, I see her posting on social media pics of herself in a brand new dress that I had never seen looking as seductive as possible and she was going out like this to the drunkfest activities. Her friends joke saying it looks like the cover for a tinder profile. I was not pleased at all but didn't let her know. She never dressed up for me anytime recently.

So she returned in a week and I didn't get much of a warm greeting at all. I felt like I was being avoided. I had planned to sit her down and talk with her how I felt. Her response really shocked me. She said she wants me to give her my understanding as a friend while she tries to work out things in her head. She seemed to indicate she was having some sort of midlife crisis. I had fully wanted to start working on getting our relationship to a better place. I was a little shocked because we had a great family vacation just a short time before this. She even initiated sex and we had a great time. So I suggest counseling and she seems to agree. I want to re-kindle our relationship. So after the fall out of that and me reeling through my mind what just happened I felt lost. I wanted to have a date night where we go to the place we used to hang back when we were dating. She dressed up like she did when she was on her trip. We went out to a few places and had drinks. She would leave the table briefly every now and then and she would check her phone and send people messages. We went to another place and had some drinks. I left to go to the bathroom and when I came back she was texting some guys name that I knew I didn't know. I know most all of her friends as we work in the same line of business. I find out this is someone she met on her trip. Now she is texting him while out with me trying to re-kindle our relationship. What a train wreck that night was. On our way home she indicated that she wasn't attracted to me and she believed that if we had an open marriage it would fix our problems. I completely disagree as I can't see how 2 people that are not being close will become closer by opening up their marriage. I felt like my marriage was completely over at this point. We talked the next day and I asked her about this guy she is texting. She said it was just a friend. Obviously that is not the case. I asked if he is just a friend if she would feel embarrassed if I would see what she is sending him. Her response was so what if we send flirty texts back and forth. This is all not OK with me at all. We agree to sign up for some counseling. She said she never had sex with this guy but I have no way to know either way. I know she met him at a place where she had a fancy hotel thousands of miles away. This person told her that he was having the same marriage problems she had and that he fixed them by having an open marriage. I don't know if that is just a pickup line but it would certainly seem to me like a pretty slick way to pick up vulnerable women. So now here we sit in this state of uncertainty. I started to look at phone records and it appears that she would text him thousands of times in a short number of days while she was at this conference and after. She later admitted to hanging out with him at least 3 nights. I didn't mention I knew about the texts. She then told me that when she left for this conference she was so deeply depressed that she felt like killing herself and she poured her heart out to this random guy. She obviously has some attraction for this person but I still don't know how they met. This guy is married and lives far away. However I have seen that she does text him and I believe she sends him messenger messages during the day. I don't know if this guys wife has any idea of all of this activity and I don't believe I will ever know if they slept together. I do know that looking at her text records, she would text him into the wee hours of the morning and start again right way very early sending thousands of texts. I remained silent about all of this. She seemed to be dealing with a midlife crisis of sorts and now this guy she is attracted to is now complicating things more for us and our family. I quietly watch and my wife would go home from work "sick" and sit and text this guy. I would come home and she would be as nice as can be to me. I didn't let her know that I know. We went on a family vacation for a couple days. I would say at this point the relationship seems more like we are just being nice to each other then like anything that felt more normal like it did before our trip. Then as a little more time passed and we were doing what I would say is trying to work on our relationship, she comes home and wants me to watch the kids while she lays down because she has a headache. All this time I am now depressed and experiencing anxiety with all these things going on. I couldn't sleep and I decided to check her text records and I see she would sneak away while we were on our trip and send this guy messages when she was in the bathroom and a couple other times. I also saw that when she needed to lay down, she texted him from the other room for an hour. I had always known that they were messaging each other and I also know logically me wanting her to stop doesn't mean she will want to stop. But now I was mad. I called her out on it. She denied it and said I was crazy. I told her I can show her. She insisted she was messaging a girl friend. Shortly after that she admitted to it and said she wouldn't lie about it anymore. THis is a very sore spot for me. I don't know a tactful way to make whatever texting relationship she has go away. All of these things have happened in the last couple weeks.

So we went to counseling and I brought up how she has been isolated and not participating at all with the family and how she said she was so depressed and met some guy and has been carrying on an emotional affair at best. My wife goes to counseling to separately. She is putting forth a lot of effort not to not sit on her phone all day and night and will carry on a conversation with me. SHe helps with house things again and started to buy groceries. She added another anti-depressant to her med regimen. We seems to be connecting to some degree. We have had sex on occasion. I am still hurt by her saying she isn't attracted to me anymore. We had a date night and talked about our relationship and it sounds like after much deliberation she wants to stay in the marriage with me. I am still at a loss how we ever got to this point because I have always treated her well and feel like this person she met has more then contributed to our problems. So I have been tollerant of her still texting this person. After I called her out, she no longer sends texts from her phone to him but I believe she uses a messenger program. When I asked her if she still sends them she says yes but not everyday. I feel like whatever this relationship is that she has with this random guy, so needs to go away for us to work on our marriage. I don't know any tactful way to make this happen. I am looking for advice. I can't express how deeply this hurts to think your spouse has some brand new super close relationship with some random guys she seems to be attracted to. This is a problem that bothers me all the time. I also know for certain she is on social media all day at work and can easily message this guy all the time. I also notice her checking her facebook messenger often and I can only believe it is to message this person.

Fast forward to the present. She had informed me she was going to have a girls trip this weekend. Her and her girlfriend would go to a big city from Thursday through Monday. I don't feel like I have any say in anything at all at this point because anytime I say anything I get blasted so I just didn't say much at all. It is very difficult to trust my wife now because she is prone to lie or exaggerate all the time. She had recently denied and lied about keeping in touch with this guy. I don't know if she is meeting him there now or what. I do know that she has 2 phones with her. Seeing her without a phone in her hand and texting is something you almost never see. It appears to me that she is leaving her normal phone in her purse because she appears to be off social media for many hours at a time and i can only believe she is binging on sending this person texts from her work phone while she is out of town like she did last time. I am completely helpless right now and it deeply bothers me that this relationship she has continues. I know that this person is into atheism and tattoos and one of the first thing my wife did is get a tattoo when she returned from her trip. I do computer forensics and I was able to get info on this person as to where he works, lives, his wifes name, and I even found several ways to contact this guys wife. I see him and his wife post in an anteism forum. I can't recall her ever really mentioning wanting a tattoo before. It seems like she has aligned herself with this person. This new trip also brings back very recent memories of the last trip she went on. I had no idea in the world that she was so deeply depressed. I don't really know where to go from here. I think she genuinely wants to work on our marriage. I don't know if it's more because she knows she has some very good things or she just really doesn't want to go through a divorce financially and deal with child custody. I am willing to do whatever it would take to work on our marriage because I think the effort is well spent compared to going through a divorce. It would kill me not to be able to spend everyday with my kids and put them to bed each night. They are the most important thing to me in the whole world. in the past I thought we had a happy marriage and I don't see why we can't have that again. So now I feel hurt that my wife is continuing this relationship but I don't want to try to force her to stop. I don't know if she cares how much it bothers me and I feel that it has to go away eventually to get to a point where we feel like things can be closer to normal. Sorry to rant but I have been going through hell for the past 3 months. Any advice is much appreciated, especially to get rid of this emotional affair she is having. I am trying to get my life back to normal but I have become depressed over all of this and feel like I need to be on guard for whatever antics my wife tries next.
 

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Forgive me but I bet dollar to donuts she is not depressed when she is with his guy....she is cheating...and your chasing a ref herring while she is chasing tail....I am honestly shocked that first you let her go, second that you believe eve what she says. You want her head in the game, collect every once of data you can, then contact the OM wife and pull the D. Card on her. You are seriously being played.
 

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Sorry, but I think you should assume the worst. Yes, she's had sex with him, multiple times. Yes, she's probably going to meet him on the "girls' weekend".

Right now, you're desperate to keep her. She can see that, and she knows she can take advantage of you as long as she wants. She hasn't yet felt the sting of possibly losing you and losing half her time with the kids.

If I were you, I'd go "scorched earth" on her. It's time to be MAD instead of passive. Inform the other guy's wife (his story about an "open marriage" might be BS). Inform her parents and siblings that you believe she's in a full-blown physical affair. Let her see you collecting DNA samples from your kids to be submitted to a company that performs paternity testing. Let her know that you're getting a full-panel STD test for yourself, and that you expect her to do the same.

Talk to an attorney to know your rights, file for divorce, and have her served at work. Note that there is nothing final about filing. Once you file, you can stop the process at any time. But she has a lot of work to do. Do not back off until she really seems contrite. Do not fall for manipulation or attempts at seduction.
 

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My story starts about 2 months ago. Me and my wife have been married for 11 years and have been together for about 18 years. My wife has always had issues with depression, anxiety, and OCD. She has been taking some form of med for these now since I can remember. We have a 10 year old daughter and a 7 year old son. We both make decent money, have new vehicles, recently built our dream house and live close to work and in a great neighborhood. I would have to believe we have a pretty good life that not everyone gets to experience. Back to my story, she had a work trip to Georgia about a month and a half ago. i had been feeling like our relationship was certainly not bad but we really lacked closeness like we have had for many years. I attributed it to having 2 kids, all kinds of activities, and professional careers. She didn't seem to enjoy sex all the time and she would sometimes make me feel like it was a chore. She had been sleeping on the couch almost every night. I had questioned her about this for about 2 years and she always had some type of excuse. It was too hot in our room, she couldn't sleep, etc. I just blew it off as I didn't know what else I could do. I did try really hard to get her to stay in our room and she would on occasion. She really seemed withdrawn for a long time now. She would sit on the couch and not do much of anything but sit on her phone and text people and surf social media. That would drive me crazy because she really wouldn't do things with the kids or even carry on a conversation with me. I did all the shopping and took care of everything for the family at that point. It was like she was in her own little world that didn't involve the rest of her family. She would be gone for a week at a conference. However, the conference is more like a big party. Every night all the vendors provide free apps and all the alcohol you could want. I certainly didn't feel thrilled that my wife was going to this conference where it becomes what I believe is a big drunk fest. My uneasiness stemmed from the fact that she really liked to party it up and we didn't seem all that close like I would have liked. I still felt like we had a great life together though. She works in a predominately male oriented career so there are thousands of guys at the conference and much fewer women. We had recently gone on a vacation with our kids and even had some great sex. I should also mention that my wife loves attention. She had been starting to fix her hair everyday, and put on makeup. She also lost about 30 pounds. I know that she was getting a lot of attention from guys at work and she just eats that up. When I would give her attention she would blow it off. The days before her leaving on her trip, we had nice close family time. Spent extra time with the kids and me. Seemed very happy and helped clean up the house and prepare to leave and not make it so difficult for me when she is gone. While she was gone, I had decided that I really didn't want to continue to have a relationship like this with the lack of closeness. I decided I wanted to try to fix it and felt even if me pushing to fix it would split us up, it was still the right thing to do because I didn't want to grow old living like this anymore. Also to my dismay, I see her posting on social media pics of herself in a brand new dress that I had never seen looking as seductive as possible and she was going out like this to the drunkfest activities. Her friends joke saying it looks like the cover for a tinder profile. I was not pleased at all but didn't let her know. She never dressed up for me anytime recently.

So she returned in a week and I didn't get much of a warm greeting at all. I felt like I was being avoided. I had planned to sit her down and talk with her how I felt. Her response really shocked me. She said she wants me to give her my understanding as a friend while she tries to work out things in her head. She seemed to indicate she was having some sort of midlife crisis. I had fully wanted to start working on getting our relationship to a better place. I was a little shocked because we had a great family vacation just a short time before this. She even initiated sex and we had a great time. So I suggest counseling and she seems to agree. I want to re-kindle our relationship. So after the fall out of that and me reeling through my mind what just happened I felt lost. I wanted to have a date night where we go to the place we used to hang back when we were dating. She dressed up like she did when she was on her trip. We went out to a few places and had drinks. She would leave the table briefly every now and then and she would check her phone and send people messages. We went to another place and had some drinks. I left to go to the bathroom and when I came back she was texting some guys name that I knew I didn't know. I know most all of her friends as we work in the same line of business. I find out this is someone she met on her trip. Now she is texting him while out with me trying to re-kindle our relationship. What a train wreck that night was. On our way home she indicated that she wasn't attracted to me and she believed that if we had an open marriage it would fix our problems. I completely disagree as I can't see how 2 people that are not being close will become closer by opening up their marriage. I felt like my marriage was completely over at this point. We talked the next day and I asked her about this guy she is texting. She said it was just a friend. Obviously that is not the case. I asked if he is just a friend if she would feel embarrassed if I would see what she is sending him. Her response was so what if we send flirty texts back and forth. This is all not OK with me at all. We agree to sign up for some counseling. She said she never had sex with this guy but I have no way to know either way. I know she met him at a place where she had a fancy hotel thousands of miles away. This person told her that he was having the same marriage problems she had and that he fixed them by having an open marriage. I don't know if that is just a pickup line but it would certainly seem to me like a pretty slick way to pick up vulnerable women. So now here we sit in this state of uncertainty. I started to look at phone records and it appears that she would text him thousands of times in a short number of days while she was at this conference and after. She later admitted to hanging out with him at least 3 nights. I didn't mention I knew about the texts. She then told me that when she left for this conference she was so deeply depressed that she felt like killing herself and she poured her heart out to this random guy. She obviously has some attraction for this person but I still don't know how they met. This guy is married and lives far away. However I have seen that she does text him and I believe she sends him messenger messages during the day. I don't know if this guys wife has any idea of all of this activity and I don't believe I will ever know if they slept together. I do know that looking at her text records, she would text him into the wee hours of the morning and start again right way very early sending thousands of texts. I remained silent about all of this. She seemed to be dealing with a midlife crisis of sorts and now this guy she is attracted to is now complicating things more for us and our family. I quietly watch and my wife would go home from work "sick" and sit and text this guy. I would come home and she would be as nice as can be to me. I didn't let her know that I know. We went on a family vacation for a couple days. I would say at this point the relationship seems more like we are just being nice to each other then like anything that felt more normal like it did before our trip. Then as a little more time passed and we were doing what I would say is trying to work on our relationship, she comes home and wants me to watch the kids while she lays down because she has a headache. All this time I am now depressed and experiencing anxiety with all these things going on. I couldn't sleep and I decided to check her text records and I see she would sneak away while we were on our trip and send this guy messages when she was in the bathroom and a couple other times. I also saw that when she needed to lay down, she texted him from the other room for an hour. I had always known that they were messaging each other and I also know logically me wanting her to stop doesn't mean she will want to stop. But now I was mad. I called her out on it. She denied it and said I was crazy. I told her I can show her. She insisted she was messaging a girl friend. Shortly after that she admitted to it and said she wouldn't lie about it anymore. THis is a very sore spot for me. I don't know a tactful way to make whatever texting relationship she has go away. All of these things have happened in the last couple weeks.

So we went to counseling and I brought up how she has been isolated and not participating at all with the family and how she said she was so depressed and met some guy and has been carrying on an emotional affair at best. My wife goes to counseling to separately. She is putting forth a lot of effort not to not sit on her phone all day and night and will carry on a conversation with me. SHe helps with house things again and started to buy groceries. She added another anti-depressant to her med regimen. We seems to be connecting to some degree. We have had sex on occasion. I am still hurt by her saying she isn't attracted to me anymore. We had a date night and talked about our relationship and it sounds like after much deliberation she wants to stay in the marriage with me. I am still at a loss how we ever got to this point because I have always treated her well and feel like this person she met has more then contributed to our problems. So I have been tollerant of her still texting this person. After I called her out, she no longer sends texts from her phone to him but I believe she uses a messenger program. When I asked her if she still sends them she says yes but not everyday. I feel like whatever this relationship is that she has with this random guy, so needs to go away for us to work on our marriage. I don't know any tactful way to make this happen. I am looking for advice. I can't express how deeply this hurts to think your spouse has some brand new super close relationship with some random guys she seems to be attracted to. This is a problem that bothers me all the time. I also know for certain she is on social media all day at work and can easily message this guy all the time. I also notice her checking her facebook messenger often and I can only believe it is to message this person.

Fast forward to the present. She had informed me she was going to have a girls trip this weekend. Her and her girlfriend would go to a big city from Thursday through Monday. I don't feel like I have any say in anything at all at this point because anytime I say anything I get blasted so I just didn't say much at all. It is very difficult to trust my wife now because she is prone to lie or exaggerate all the time. She had recently denied and lied about keeping in touch with this guy. I don't know if she is meeting him there now or what. I do know that she has 2 phones with her. Seeing her without a phone in her hand and texting is something you almost never see. It appears to me that she is leaving her normal phone in her purse because she appears to be off social media for many hours at a time and i can only believe she is binging on sending this person texts from her work phone while she is out of town like she did last time. I am completely helpless right now and it deeply bothers me that this relationship she has continues. I know that this person is into atheism and tattoos and one of the first thing my wife did is get a tattoo when she returned from her trip. I do computer forensics and I was able to get info on this person as to where he works, lives, his wifes name, and I even found several ways to contact this guys wife. I see him and his wife post in an anteism forum. I can't recall her ever really mentioning wanting a tattoo before. It seems like she has aligned herself with this person. This new trip also brings back very recent memories of the last trip she went on. I had no idea in the world that she was so deeply depressed. I don't really know where to go from here. I think she genuinely wants to work on our marriage. I don't know if it's more because she knows she has some very good things or she just really doesn't want to go through a divorce financially and deal with child custody. I am willing to do whatever it would take to work on our marriage because I think the effort is well spent compared to going through a divorce. It would kill me not to be able to spend everyday with my kids and put them to bed each night. They are the most important thing to me in the whole world. in the past I thought we had a happy marriage and I don't see why we can't have that again. So now I feel hurt that my wife is continuing this relationship but I don't want to try to force her to stop. I don't know if she cares how much it bothers me and I feel that it has to go away eventually to get to a point where we feel like things can be closer to normal. Sorry to rant but I have been going through hell for the past 3 months. Any advice is much appreciated, especially to get rid of this emotional affair she is having. I am trying to get my life back to normal but I have become depressed over all of this and feel like I need to be on guard for whatever antics my wife tries next.

You have a tough decision because you have to take on your wife's mental health and how plausible it would likely be to get better. How will her issues affect your own mental health down the line. If her depression is not manageable, then she is likely to cheat or do something else risky to get that stimulus to treat her depression.

Unless you both open the marriage while the kids are still young so you both get something from someone else as your wife is incapable of meeting any of your relationship needs, then if there is nothing she can do about her depression other than just manage, for your own sake, it is better to move on as you will burn out somewhere down the line and it will be harder for you to move on as the baggage over the years accumulate.
 

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When I called her out on texting this guy I was livid. I told her I was going to contact the OM wife. She said it wasn't him doing this to me it was her and I should leave him and his family out of it. I have read that if you contact the other spouse things can go really bad. I don't know what the outcome would be. My wife said if I do that our marriage is over. This was only about 2.5 weeks ago that happened. Since then, she seems to have reconciled to wanting to stay. I just don't know what her end game is. I truly wish I could get into her facebook account and see what these messages are to this guy to see how serious our problem is. I know this guy lives thousands of miles away. The distance is the only good thing I have going for me. I truly wish I could contact this person's wife and have her not tell him and communicate with me. I would love to hear if she really has an open marriage. I know from the marriage records I see for this guy, he has only been married for 4 years. I find it hard to believe he is having attraction problems and needed to fix them with an open marriage in such a new relationship.
 

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I only believe an open marriage would come from a solid marriage where both feel confident and want to experience other people. Otherwise I don't feel that in anyway would work. Either way that will never work for me. That is not what I want and I could not do that. It would destroy me mentally to think some other guys are having sex with my wife. Just could never have an open marriage.
 

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When I called her out on texting this guy I was livid. I told her I was going to contact the OM wife. She said it wasn't him doing this to me it was her and I should leave him and his family out of it. I have read that if you contact the other spouse things can go really bad. I don't know what the outcome would be. My wife said if I do that our marriage is over. This was only about 2.5 weeks ago that happened. Since then, she seems to have reconciled to wanting to stay. I just don't know what her end game is. I truly wish I could get into her facebook account and see what these messages are to this guy to see how serious our problem is. I know this guy lives thousands of miles away. The distance is the only good thing I have going for me. I truly wish I could contact this person's wife and have her not tell him and communicate with me. I would love to hear if she really has an open marriage. I know from the marriage records I see for this guy, he has only been married for 4 years. I find it hard to believe he is having attraction problems and needed to fix them with an open marriage in such a new relationship.

If she wants the marriage, she needs to be transparent. Plus, her protecting him is because she is in love with him and could only see him in a positive light as he stimulates that excitement and new desire that comes from novelty into her. She is protecting that source. Exposing it may mean the end of it and she may have went underground to keep her new addiction.

If you want to save the marriage, exposing to the other spouse will put pressure on both fronts but still, to my prior post, could you stay in a marriage where she just manages her depression.
 

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When I called her out on texting this guy I was livid. I told her I was going to contact the OM wife. She said it wasn't him doing this to me it was her and I should leave him and his family out of it. I have read that if you contact the other spouse things can go really bad. I don't know what the outcome would be. My wife said if I do that our marriage is over. This was only about 2.5 weeks ago that happened. Since then, she seems to have reconciled to wanting to stay. I just don't know what her end game is. I truly wish I could get into her facebook account and see what these messages are to this guy to see how serious our problem is. I know this guy lives thousands of miles away. The distance is the only good thing I have going for me. I truly wish I could contact this person's wife and have her not tell him and communicate with me. I would love to hear if she really has an open marriage. I know from the marriage records I see for this guy, he has only been married for 4 years. I find it hard to believe he is having attraction problems and needed to fix them with an open marriage in such a new relationship.
That was her displaying loyalty to him over you, which essentially means that you have your answer w/ respect to where her heart truly lies.

It's time for you to call your WW's bluff -- take whatever evidence you have and reach out to OMW today. Expose everything to her.
 

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She said it wasn't him doing this to me it was her and I should leave him and his family out of it.
No, he brought his family into it when he decided to have sex with another man's wife. His wife deserves to know the truth about her spouse, just as you do. The fact that she's protecting him suggests that his wife has no idea she's in an "open marriage".

My wife said if I do that our marriage is over.
No, tell her the marriage was actually over already when she decided to break her marriage vows and sleep with another man. You've only been staying around to see if she was ever worthy of re-marrying. So far, she's shown that she's not.

Since then, she seems to have reconciled to wanting to stay.
No, since then she's decided to keep her comfy family life and continue to text and have sex with the other man. She's just learned that she needs to be more discreet about it.

Part of the problem is that she has no respect for you anymore, because you've let yourself be walked over. That lack of respect has translated into a lack of attraction to you.
 

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When I called her out on texting this guy I was livid. I told her I was going to contact the OM wife. She said it wasn't him doing this to me it was her and I should leave him and his family out of it. I have read that if you contact the other spouse things can go really bad. I don't know what the outcome would be. My wife said if I do that our marriage is over. This was only about 2.5 weeks ago that happened. Since then, she seems to have reconciled to wanting to stay. I just don't know what her end game is. I truly wish I could get into her facebook account and see what these messages are to this guy to see how serious our problem is. I know this guy lives thousands of miles away. The distance is the only good thing I have going for me. I truly wish I could contact this person's wife and have her not tell him and communicate with me. I would love to hear if she really has an open marriage. I know from the marriage records I see for this guy, he has only been married for 4 years. I find it hard to believe he is having attraction problems and needed to fix them with an open marriage in such a new relationship.

Fear and anxiety are your enemy. Go see your doctor IMMEDIATELY and get on an anti-anxiety such as zoloft. Anxiety will cause you to make fatal mistakes. Do this right now. Tell you doctor the reason why you are anxious. Your wife is cheating.
 

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That was her displaying loyalty to him over you, which essentially means that you have your answer w/ respect to where her heart truly lies.

It's time for you to call your WW's bluff -- take whatever evidence you have and reach out to OMW today. Expose everything to her.
This is one of those "you have to be able to let it go to save it" moments.

It's a hard road that needs to be done...
 

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My story starts about 2 months ago. Me and my wife have been married for 11 years and have been together for about 18 years. My wife has always had issues with depression, anxiety, and OCD. She has been taking some form of med for these now since I can remember. We have a 10 year old daughter and a 7 year old son. We both make decent money, have new vehicles, recently built our dream house and live close to work and in a great neighborhood. I would have to believe we have a pretty good life that not everyone gets to experience. Back to my story, she had a work trip to Georgia about a month and a half ago. i had been feeling like our relationship was certainly not bad but we really lacked closeness like we have had for many years. I attributed it to having 2 kids, all kinds of activities, and professional careers. She didn't seem to enjoy sex all the time and she would sometimes make me feel like it was a chore. She had been sleeping on the couch almost every night. I had questioned her about this for about 2 years and she always had some type of excuse. It was too hot in our room, she couldn't sleep, etc. I just blew it off as I didn't know what else I could do. I did try really hard to get her to stay in our room and she would on occasion. She really seemed withdrawn for a long time now. She would sit on the couch and not do much of anything but sit on her phone and text people and surf social media. That would drive me crazy because she really wouldn't do things with the kids or even carry on a conversation with me. I did all the shopping and took care of everything for the family at that point. It was like she was in her own little world that didn't involve the rest of her family. She would be gone for a week at a conference. However, the conference is more like a big party. Every night all the vendors provide free apps and all the alcohol you could want. I certainly didn't feel thrilled that my wife was going to this conference where it becomes what I believe is a big drunk fest. My uneasiness stemmed from the fact that she really liked to party it up and we didn't seem all that close like I would have liked. I still felt like we had a great life together though. She works in a predominately male oriented career so there are thousands of guys at the conference and much fewer women. We had recently gone on a vacation with our kids and even had some great sex. I should also mention that my wife loves attention. She had been starting to fix her hair everyday, and put on makeup. She also lost about 30 pounds. I know that she was getting a lot of attention from guys at work and she just eats that up. When I would give her attention she would blow it off. The days before her leaving on her trip, we had nice close family time. Spent extra time with the kids and me. Seemed very happy and helped clean up the house and prepare to leave and not make it so difficult for me when she is gone. While she was gone, I had decided that I really didn't want to continue to have a relationship like this with the lack of closeness. I decided I wanted to try to fix it and felt even if me pushing to fix it would split us up, it was still the right thing to do because I didn't want to grow old living like this anymore. Also to my dismay, I see her posting on social media pics of herself in a brand new dress that I had never seen looking as seductive as possible and she was going out like this to the drunkfest activities. Her friends joke saying it looks like the cover for a tinder profile. I was not pleased at all but didn't let her know. She never dressed up for me anytime recently.

So she returned in a week and I didn't get much of a warm greeting at all. I felt like I was being avoided. I had planned to sit her down and talk with her how I felt. Her response really shocked me. She said she wants me to give her my understanding as a friend while she tries to work out things in her head. She seemed to indicate she was having some sort of midlife crisis. I had fully wanted to start working on getting our relationship to a better place. I was a little shocked because we had a great family vacation just a short time before this. She even initiated sex and we had a great time. So I suggest counseling and she seems to agree. I want to re-kindle our relationship. So after the fall out of that and me reeling through my mind what just happened I felt lost. I wanted to have a date night where we go to the place we used to hang back when we were dating. She dressed up like she did when she was on her trip. We went out to a few places and had drinks. She would leave the table briefly every now and then and she would check her phone and send people messages. We went to another place and had some drinks. I left to go to the bathroom and when I came back she was texting some guys name that I knew I didn't know. I know most all of her friends as we work in the same line of business. I find out this is someone she met on her trip. Now she is texting him while out with me trying to re-kindle our relationship. What a train wreck that night was. On our way home she indicated that she wasn't attracted to me and she believed that if we had an open marriage it would fix our problems. I completely disagree as I can't see how 2 people that are not being close will become closer by opening up their marriage. I felt like my marriage was completely over at this point. We talked the next day and I asked her about this guy she is texting. She said it was just a friend. Obviously that is not the case. I asked if he is just a friend if she would feel embarrassed if I would see what she is sending him. Her response was so what if we send flirty texts back and forth. This is all not OK with me at all. We agree to sign up for some counseling. She said she never had sex with this guy but I have no way to know either way. I know she met him at a place where she had a fancy hotel thousands of miles away. This person told her that he was having the same marriage problems she had and that he fixed them by having an open marriage. I don't know if that is just a pickup line but it would certainly seem to me like a pretty slick way to pick up vulnerable women. So now here we sit in this state of uncertainty. I started to look at phone records and it appears that she would text him thousands of times in a short number of days while she was at this conference and after. She later admitted to hanging out with him at least 3 nights. I didn't mention I knew about the texts. She then told me that when she left for this conference she was so deeply depressed that she felt like killing herself and she poured her heart out to this random guy. She obviously has some attraction for this person but I still don't know how they met. This guy is married and lives far away. However I have seen that she does text him and I believe she sends him messenger messages during the day. I don't know if this guys wife has any idea of all of this activity and I don't believe I will ever know if they slept together. I do know that looking at her text records, she would text him into the wee hours of the morning and start again right way very early sending thousands of texts. I remained silent about all of this. She seemed to be dealing with a midlife crisis of sorts and now this guy she is attracted to is now complicating things more for us and our family. I quietly watch and my wife would go home from work "sick" and sit and text this guy. I would come home and she would be as nice as can be to me. I didn't let her know that I know. We went on a family vacation for a couple days. I would say at this point the relationship seems more like we are just being nice to each other then like anything that felt more normal like it did before our trip. Then as a little more time passed and we were doing what I would say is trying to work on our relationship, she comes home and wants me to watch the kids while she lays down because she has a headache. All this time I am now depressed and experiencing anxiety with all these things going on. I couldn't sleep and I decided to check her text records and I see she would sneak away while we were on our trip and send this guy messages when she was in the bathroom and a couple other times. I also saw that when she needed to lay down, she texted him from the other room for an hour. I had always known that they were messaging each other and I also know logically me wanting her to stop doesn't mean she will want to stop. But now I was mad. I called her out on it. She denied it and said I was crazy. I told her I can show her. She insisted she was messaging a girl friend. Shortly after that she admitted to it and said she wouldn't lie about it anymore. THis is a very sore spot for me. I don't know a tactful way to make whatever texting relationship she has go away. All of these things have happened in the last couple weeks.

So we went to counseling and I brought up how she has been isolated and not participating at all with the family and how she said she was so depressed and met some guy and has been carrying on an emotional affair at best. My wife goes to counseling to separately. She is putting forth a lot of effort not to not sit on her phone all day and night and will carry on a conversation with me. SHe helps with house things again and started to buy groceries. She added another anti-depressant to her med regimen. We seems to be connecting to some degree. We have had sex on occasion. I am still hurt by her saying she isn't attracted to me anymore. We had a date night and talked about our relationship and it sounds like after much deliberation she wants to stay in the marriage with me. I am still at a loss how we ever got to this point because I have always treated her well and feel like this person she met has more then contributed to our problems. So I have been tollerant of her still texting this person. After I called her out, she no longer sends texts from her phone to him but I believe she uses a messenger program. When I asked her if she still sends them she says yes but not everyday. I feel like whatever this relationship is that she has with this random guy, so needs to go away for us to work on our marriage. I don't know any tactful way to make this happen. I am looking for advice. I can't express how deeply this hurts to think your spouse has some brand new super close relationship with some random guys she seems to be attracted to. This is a problem that bothers me all the time. I also know for certain she is on social media all day at work and can easily message this guy all the time. I also notice her checking her facebook messenger often and I can only believe it is to message this person.

Fast forward to the present. She had informed me she was going to have a girls trip this weekend. Her and her girlfriend would go to a big city from Thursday through Monday. I don't feel like I have any say in anything at all at this point because anytime I say anything I get blasted so I just didn't say much at all. It is very difficult to trust my wife now because she is prone to lie or exaggerate all the time. She had recently denied and lied about keeping in touch with this guy. I don't know if she is meeting him there now or what. I do know that she has 2 phones with her. Seeing her without a phone in her hand and texting is something you almost never see. It appears to me that she is leaving her normal phone in her purse because she appears to be off social media for many hours at a time and i can only believe she is binging on sending this person texts from her work phone while she is out of town like she did last time. I am completely helpless right now and it deeply bothers me that this relationship she has continues. I know that this person is into atheism and tattoos and one of the first thing my wife did is get a tattoo when she returned from her trip. I do computer forensics and I was able to get info on this person as to where he works, lives, his wifes name, and I even found several ways to contact this guys wife. I see him and his wife post in an anteism forum. I can't recall her ever really mentioning wanting a tattoo before. It seems like she has aligned herself with this person. This new trip also brings back very recent memories of the last trip she went on. I had no idea in the world that she was so deeply depressed. I don't really know where to go from here. I think she genuinely wants to work on our marriage. I don't know if it's more because she knows she has some very good things or she just really doesn't want to go through a divorce financially and deal with child custody. I am willing to do whatever it would take to work on our marriage because I think the effort is well spent compared to going through a divorce. It would kill me not to be able to spend everyday with my kids and put them to bed each night. They are the most important thing to me in the whole world. in the past I thought we had a happy marriage and I don't see why we can't have that again. So now I feel hurt that my wife is continuing this relationship but I don't want to try to force her to stop. I don't know if she cares how much it bothers me and I feel that it has to go away eventually to get to a point where we feel like things can be closer to normal. Sorry to rant but I have been going through hell for the past 3 months. Any advice is much appreciated, especially to get rid of this emotional affair she is having. I am trying to get my life back to normal but I have become depressed over all of this and feel like I need to be on guard for whatever antics my wife tries next.
When I called her out on texting this guy I was livid. I told her I was going to contact the OM wife. She said it wasn't him doing this to me it was her and I should leave him and his family out of it. I have read that if you contact the other spouse things can go really bad. I don't know what the outcome would be. My wife said if I do that our marriage is over. This was only about 2.5 weeks ago that happened. Since then, she seems to have reconciled to wanting to stay. I just don't know what her end game is. I truly wish I could get into her facebook account and see what these messages are to this guy to see how serious our problem is. I know this guy lives thousands of miles away. The distance is the only good thing I have going for me. I truly wish I could contact this person's wife and have her not tell him and communicate with me. I would love to hear if she really has an open marriage. I know from the marriage records I see for this guy, he has only been married for 4 years. I find it hard to believe he is having attraction problems and needed to fix them with an open marriage in such a new relationship.

You do computer forensics and are stumped by getting into her FB account?:scratchhead::scratchhead:
 

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I did go see my doctor and I now have antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds. This whole thing feels like it is truly ruining my life. I can't focus at work. I can't enjoy the time I spend with my kids. I have become paranoid that every intention she has is to deceptively do something against me. In the past, she would go out of town and I didn't mind at all. I would not check her text records or anything. Now I am keyed up to be wary of everything. I know her friend she is out with this weekend and I could try asking her if she met up with this guy. I don't know if she would tell me the truth though. She is a much closer friend to my wife then to me. I have known her for a long time though. It feels so wrong to believe you have to question everything and even if you do, you may not get the truth. I was very reluctant to try the meds but after some trial and error they do help a lot. I just feel lost as to what to do. She has started to spend time with me and sleep in the same bed and show affection like she hasn't done much in years. Obviously if I had proof that she is meeting up, I would feel no regret in having her stuff waiting for her outside when she returns along with divorce papers. I have contacted a lawyer and got the rundown on the divorce process and proceedings. My wife and I never fought about possessions or money ever so I don't think it would go so terrible. I know though she can become a monster when she is angry. I am also seeing a counselor to help me navigate all this. I am trying to logically work through this and not burn all my bridges at the same time. I also see the truth in the comments that she hasn't respected me in some time. For the last 8 months I have been trying to get a cap on all things going on in my life and I don't take any disrespect. It is a slow process but I work on it everyday with work, kids, spouse, etc. I don't do all the housework now, she helps at least 50% or more. I don't really buy the depressed story myself. I am not a doctor but i thought we had a fairly normal happy life in the past years. We have an appointment with a marriage counselor again on Tuesday and I want to get this affair addressed. If it's only texting, not like I am OK with that, but it would seem more hopeful to patch things up.

I also have been reluctant to reach out to her parents. I think they would chastise her for what she has done and insist that what she is doing is stupid and demand her to stop.
 

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She has several devices and a work computer that she uses for facebook. I don't know her company work computer password. She changed the password on both of her phones so I don't have an easy way to break into it. She works in computers as well and is privy to what she can do to keep me out. The only thing I could think of is if I had some hidden camera that could record her messages. She sits on a love seat in the corner of the room facing a wall so she has free rein of privacy for the most part.
 

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When I called her out on texting this guy I was livid. I told her I was going to contact the OM wife. She said it wasn't him doing this to me it was her and I should leave him and his family out of it. I have read that if you contact the other spouse things can go really bad. I don't know what the outcome would be. My wife said if I do that our marriage is over. This was only about 2.5 weeks ago that happened. Since then, she seems to have reconciled to wanting to stay. I just don't know what her end game is. I truly wish I could get into her facebook account and see what these messages are to this guy to see how serious our problem is. I know this guy lives thousands of miles away. The distance is the only good thing I have going for me. I truly wish I could contact this person's wife and have her not tell him and communicate with me. I would love to hear if she really has an open marriage. I know from the marriage records I see for this guy, he has only been married for 4 years. I find it hard to believe he is having attraction problems and needed to fix them with an open marriage in such a new relationship.
Making threats will get you nowhere. Your attempting to manipulate her just causes you to lose status and appear weak and easily played. She is protecting him and their relationship. Your talk but lack of action has enabled her.

You should have informed his wife immediately without warning and let them deal with the fall out.

You in essence are helping hide their affair and enabling them to continue. Probably don't want to make her mad at you which says she is worth more than you. She isn't.

You can't control her but you better fix and control your life or you'll be in for a long painfull ride.

Better read up
http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrB..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=eRBiX96X.4nD86OB3SCAFN3OhXQ-
 

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I absolutely felt the same way about exposing this to the other spouse. I felt like I am dealing with so much bad stuff from my end and this guy has a free rein to do all he wants and feel like there is nothing I can do back. I wanted to put the pain back in his court and see how things play out. I have read that many times the two end up getting together if you ruin things on their side. I have asked my counselor for advice and really only got some open ended non answers about what am I really trying to do. I also have the hard realization that what I do to try to get what I want has no bearing on what the people will end up doing. Me wanting this to stop or even trying to force it to stop is really out of my hands. They will just find another way. I have to say i feel like crawling out of my skin today knowing she hasn't looked her her phone since last night. She always seems to be on her phone 24\7.
 

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I am so very sorry you are here.
I'm also sorry to tell you my fellow TAM'ers above are dead on.

You only know the tip of the iceberg.

As far as the OM wife....as much as you want the truth about what is going on in your life, so does she.
Give her that information that she deserves, that only you can provide.

As far as the threat that if you "tattle" to OMW she will divorce you, this should really make you feel even more sure that his importance to her is so much higher that yours, her husband, the father of her children's is!!!!!

She needs to be shocked out of this if there is any chance of survival of this marriage. Follow the steps above, in rapid succession. Then you will see if your marriage can sink or swim.

We are here to support you either way.
Warm hug...
 

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She has several devices and a work computer that she uses for facebook. I don't know her company work computer password. She changed the password on both of her phones so I don't have an easy way to break into it. She works in computers as well and is privy to what she can do to keep me out. The only thing I could think of is if I had some hidden camera that could record her messages. She sits on a love seat in the corner of the room facing a wall so she has free rein of privacy for the most part.

She has a burner phone so you can't see the bill. You are allowing her behavior because you are affraid to lose her but in realty she's already gone. Exposure is your only weapon. You like most in the beginning are to affraid to use it. You are allowing her privacy to cheat.

Get yourself out of the infidelity or learn to live as plan B. Which is what you're currently doing.

She wants an open marrige to screw him openly instead of her secret meet ups.
 

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Thegman, you really don't need to get into F/B, phones, or anything else. She's already told you what's going on and where you stand. You ain't gonna get nowhere by sitting around with your figure in your azz hoping she'll come around. Call the other man's wife and show your old lady you ain't going to tolerate such carp even if it does mean, "we're through". She did say one thing that alone is correct and tells you exactly what's going on when she told you, "it wasn't him doing this to me it was her ". If you want to keep a woman that's been fvcked, screwed and tatooed by another guy its your call but you better do something damn quick if that's the case.
 
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