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OK,
So I got married a year ago to a pretty decent woman. She had 3 kids. I have 2. I am very good to her kids. I do everything for them like they were my own. Her kids are aged between 5-9 mine are 6-9 years old.
We dated for a year before getting married. SHe was always pretty nice to my 2 sons while we were dating. SLowly she started to dislike my older son more and more. HE has ADHD and can be pretty "Bad" sometimes. HE doesn't listen to her and rolls his eyes when she scolds him. He also can start trouble with her kids sometimes which she hates. My older son likes to be in charge of playing. He will play fight with his step siblings. Which I stop when I see them do it. He tries to tell the other kids what to do and will say things like- Everybody get "XXX" refering to one of the step kids. I always talk to him and tell him that he is not the boss and needs to stop it. SO she slowly starts hating my kid more and more. I try my best to control him but he can be rude and disrespectful especially to his step-mom. HE is punished a lot by me-"time outs", video games taken, etc. when he is here.
Now here's the BIG problem. A month ago we went and got a pet hamster for all the kids to enjoy. We put it in the playroom which is where my sons have to sleep when they stay with me every other weekend. SO we tell everyone not to touch the cage or bother the hamster. We go to bed. When I wake up I find my younger (6 year old)son is in my bedroom saying that older son (9 year old)is hitting him and is threatening to hit the other kids. I go in to find out whats going on and he says he just wants the other kids to stay out of playroom and leave him alone. I soon find out why. My wife comes over and says older son told her the hamster was draggin his back legs and is paralyzed. SO I ask older son if he touched the hamster and he lies and says no. I get him to admit to opening the cage and touching the pet after a few threats of losing games for a month. He says he didn't hurt him. SO I grill him and to make a long story shorter find out that older son did indeed hurt the hamster. He said he poked hamster a few times with a tinker toy stick but says not hard. He says he dropped hamster a few times also once into a lego bin but only because hamster bit him. HE claims he wasn't trying to purposely hurt hamster but did admit to teasing him. Now wife freaks out and starts telling me my older son is a sick psycho and is going to be a serial killer or sociopath when he grows up. She said my older son needs inpatient psychiatric care. She also said he is no longer welcome in our house because she is afraid he will hurt one of her kids or our new 2 month old baby. She is serious. I try talking to her about it but she gets insanely mad and calls my older son evil. It's been a month now and if I want to see my kids I have to go to my mothers house and sleep over there and have the visits there. I ask how long this is for and she gets enraged and says forever because there is no treatment for what he has. Older son is very upset and swears he didn't mean to hurt the animal like that. I have never seen him hurt another animal purposely in my life. I believe him. WIfe won't budge. Claims he is a threat to all children and animals on the planet. Hamster had to be put to sleep which caused her daughter to cry for days too. YEs it was a horrible thing but how can she ban my son from our house like this. HE is only 9 and is not that bad. I put up with her kids throwing fits and fighting and saying mean thing all the time. They talk back to me and don't listen often. Wifes older son is no better then mine but he gets to stay. Wifes older son has put nails in his little brothers bed once when he was mad hoping his little brother would get poked by them. Wifes older son told his little brother to stick a fork in an electrical outlet once. HE claims he was kiddding around but younger brother is only 5. I just happened to hear him tell him and came in and told him to never listen to his brother and never stick anything in outlet. But Wife just overlooks her sons "sick" behavior. Anyway. What do I do?? We have argued horrible over this many times. SHe has said she is just trying to protect her kids but I bring up her kids bad behavior and she blows it off. She says if I bring this up again she will divorce me because her kids safety is more important than our marriage. I have a kid with this woman and I fear she will make life suck hard if we divorce. WHat can I do?? I would like to stay married if at all possible. SHe has refused to go to counseling. Says she doesn't have a problem, period.
HElP!
 

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Explain to her that you have never seen that kind of behaivor in our child and that it was bad just like her kids, that both need to set rules for both kids because if they dont respect mom or dad they will be punished, you need to let both sides of kids see that mom and dad are one.
 

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You need a professional FAMILY counselor. If she refuses to go, fine. But ALL the kids need to go with you.

And your oldest son needs to be in therapy of his own to learn how to deal with his condition constructively. Before it develops into worse issues.

Personally, no offense, but I too would be terrified if my husband's son, who has a history of bullying and being 'in charge,' hurt our pet, accidentally or otherwise.

Your family is a ticking time bomb. Do something. Get professional help.
 

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Sounds like you already acknowledged your son has issuers. You admitted that he lied and had a control problem. Daring children to put forks in outlets or nails in a bed really isn’t any worse than putting a tack in a teacher’s chair, unless it was a constant problem. Did this child inflict harm to his younger brother? Which child attacked his brother physically only because he was angry that he got caught? Which child hurt a small defenseless hamster by admittedly poking it and dropping when he was told not to touch it in the first place? This isn’t teasing and haven’t you ever told him that you can’t tease animals? I have a feeling that this is a candy coated version of the real problem with your oldest son. This isn’t a marriage problem here. However, is will lead to it if you don’t get your son the counseling. I wouldn’t want him around my family either. Children that harm animals may end up with the “Jeffrey Dahmer Syndrone”
 

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Your son is a sick psycho like your wife says, and so is his father. How you can actually believe a word your son says is beyond understanding. There is something wrong with a man who daily lives and even writes about these things his son does but refuses to admit the boy has a problem and even believes the boy "accidentally" harmed the hamster. How do you drop ANYTHING a few times???? How do you poke something by accident? And says he is not that bad??? He lied to begin with until you probed and got PART of the truth out of him. Then you turn around and believe the obvious lies he is telling.

At least there is some sanity in that household. If your wife EVER lets the boy back in her home, then she will have finally lost her mind too. She will never look at it this way but truly she needs to get away from you. You are as much a danger as your son simply because you refuse to see your son how he truly is. You refuse to admit he needs help. Because of your denial, you will endanger the other children. You keep on trying to endanger them and your wife to keep wanting him back in the family home. You are not accepting your older son has an awful problem or the extent of his problem.

To make matters MUCH, MUCH worse, you wrote this thread telling all about the appalling things your son keeps doing, and yet your major effort and entire point and purpose in all of this is to blame and vilify your wife. You even have the nerve to compare his behavior to the NORMAL antics and behaviors of her children. Something is wrong with you mister.

And she is right again. She doesn't have a problem, so why would she want to go counseling? Good for her for threatening to divorce you. I would not constantly want you in my face asking me to let your son back in my house. You are the one who needs counseling. Your son, however, does not need counseling. He needs to be in a facility like your wife said, where he can get medication. They will monitor him for a few weeks in order to tweak his dosage.

For the sake of the kid you have together, I hope she does not divorce you. She will be ordered by the court to allow you visitation but that will again put this youngest child in danger because you will have that child around your oldest boy when they are visiting you.
 
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