Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 8 of 8 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
123 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Here's the deal (help if you can, please):

I'm 39 & wife is 40. We've been married 8 years & have 2 young daughters. We are Christians & that's the most important part of our lives. My wife has always had body image issues, and had struggled with eating disorders since she was 15 until becoming pregnant with our first child almost 7 years ago. She stopped the binging/purging stuff when she became pregnant & hasn't turned back. She did begin running, and even completed a few 1/2 marathons & 2 full ones! For a 40-year-old mother of 2, she truly looks fantastic! And, yes, I do tell her so. Of course, she's not perfect, but who is? Not me! Even when in the height of marathon training, she finds ways to be critical of herself (loose skin around her tummy, small boobs, "saggy butt.") Honestly, I don't even notice such things. She's H-O-T to me, even when not in training. I lust for her still.

We did some marital counseling all last year, after she admitted to me that she's never enjoyed sex, never had an orgasm & would be happy in a sexless marriage. In her 20's she was quite promiscuous, and even put herself into a gang rape situation. This was covered in our marriage counseling & she did some pretty in-depth individual counseling too. I was hopeful.

During our counseling I admitted that during our "dry spells" I'd have impure thoughts about other women. She now brings that up, & will add that I said I wanted to cheat on her with younger women who have better bodies. Honestly, I never said anything like that - only "impure thoughts," & that was related to not ever having intimacy with HER & had nothing to do with appearances.

So, while our sex life has recently increased to about once per week, it remains pretty basic, she prefers the lights out, & often gets silly/giggly, constantly indicates how "fat" she is becoming, & I just don't feel very passionately engaged. Sometimes I think she wants to turn me off in hopes of slowing my libido towards her(?).

She does have orgasms now, which is an improvement, but she is still not very motivated.

I am in good shape as well, & she's even commented that it's unfair that I still look good & she does not. That's pretty ridiculous too, because she gets complimented all the time on her appearance, & not just by me!

I feel like she doesn't believe me when I tell her she's beautiful, & what's more is that she dismisses God's view of her as beautiful.

I'm not sure if she needs more counseling or what to do...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
28 Posts
listen bro, women are all the same. my wife is 23 yr old and a size uk 6. that is tiny. but still she feels she is fat. i am a personal trainer and tell her that she needs to cut out the sugar snacks. but she is perfect. we train together reguarly and i try my hardest to boost her confidences. it is a hard thing to do. just try to keep her ensured that she is beautiful and if there is anything she needs to work on then just be honest bro. get her doing the squats with 100m sprints. lol. works wonders
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
I have been dealing with this since before the beginning of my marriage. My wife was bulemic since the age of 15. Her father was always telling her she was fat. Him and her mother were divorced when she was a baby. Her mom, a divorced, always working woman couldn't give her the attention she needed. She kind of fell into it by design. I met her, she was 5'4 and 95 lbs. She thought I wanted her to stay like that.

I didn't know the first thing about bulemia and found out when she finally told me. I've done everything possible over the last 12+ years to convince her that she's beautiful. Through 4 pregnancies, poor diet and exercise. Mostly just plain encouragement and accountability.

He poor self image is not something that will ever go away. It's been ingrained in her. People can tell you that "Oh, she'll be fine, she'll get over it" but no, she will relapse and have bad days and that's when you need to be there for her.

Just keep on encouraging her. Tell her how beautiful she is. Tell her how she is more beautiful than when you met. Most of all, more than anything. Ask her how she feel's about herself and listen to her answer. Ask her how she's doing and what she's having a hard time in dealing with. Keep her accountable for keeping with her therapist appointments and keeping away from her self-destructive behaviors.

As far as what you've said in the past. That's in the past. How you felt then is not how you feel now. We're not to keep a record of wrongs, right?

I have to disagree with Tony. Each woman, just like each man cannot be lumped into a category. Some people have issues with different things. I don't have an issue with losing my hair. I don't have an issue with genetalia size or my weight. Some men do. I do have an issue with the fact that people generally guess my age is 20 years older than I am. I was walking through work with my 19 month old son and a co-worker asked if he was my grandson.

My wife doesn't have a shopping compulsion or something else that if not kept under control will drive her to destruction except her perception of herself.

Believe me, I am not dismissing what you've said and I'm not trying to troll on you. I do think that telling a woman with a poor self image that she needs to do squats is a recipe for disaster.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
123 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
I agree. I don't give exercise suggestions to my W. It wouldn't come across well. I'll only talk with her about that kind of stuff if she asks. It's kind of a bummer sometimes because I enjoy health, fitness, watching what I eat, etc. it's just not a part of life we can share - she gets too self-conscious. :(
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,104 Posts
During our counseling I admitted that during our "dry spells" I'd have impure thoughts about other women.
Never ever say anything like this to an insecure woman. Think it all you want just don't say it out loud.

Body image is a such a tough thing for women. I'm a size 4 and I still think I'm fat some days. I have to fight against those thoughts. In our society if you aren't a size 0 and have the body of an athlete it doesn't count. Every time we open a magazine or turn on tv there are beautiful women everywhere. It's hard to overcome.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
123 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
Never ever say anything like this to an insecure woman. Think it all you want just don't say it out loud.

Body image is a such a tough thing for women. I'm a size 4 and I still think I'm fat some days. I have to fight against those thoughts. In our society if you aren't a size 0 and have the body of an athlete it doesn't count. Every time we open a magazine or turn on tv there are beautiful women everywhere. It's hard to overcome.
I think I was trying to get across my feelings of loneliness as they related to the lack of intimacy in our relationship. But I hear ya. She definitely misinterpreted it into me saying I wanted someone younger & with a better body. :confused:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
450 Posts
I do think that telling a woman with a poor self image that she needs to do squats is a recipe for disaster.

Coming from a woman with a 'low body image', this statement would absolutely crush me and any thoughts that I might be even close to being enough to keep my H interested. DO NOT say anything like this to her. It will devastate her.

Keep telling her how sexy she is, how much you love and adore her 'just the way she is. One thing that my H says to me that makes me feel really good: Wow do you ever look HOT in that!!! But you have to say it in your tone, facial expression, and body language too. This tells her you're not just saying it because you're her H; you really mean it.
 
1 - 8 of 8 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top